Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
unable to let go
June 14, 2007
11:12 pm
Avatar
stabbedheart
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I really need help! I've in the weirdest relationship for 3 years. He is arabic(i will mention him as 45) and i'm mexican, we started seeing each other and i had a boyfriend that i had been with for 3 years. 45 and i never had a formal relationship it was more like buddy call well at least for the first 6 months, after those six months no sexual intercourse was involved. We did sexual things but not sex for the the rest of the 2 1/2 years. HE choose not to do it anymore, the first year i would try but he rejected me. We would meet always out in the street somewhere he would get what he wanted and would leave me with out sayin anything. I would and still try to talk to him and he won't ever respond to me or tell me what he feels. I fell in love, I broke up with my boyfriend because he found out all about it. He forgave me and we continued our relationship, i had promised him that i would stop seeing 45 but i never did. My actions, attitude, and feelings were different and he felt it. He promised to trust me and to leave everything in the past but he was never able to so we broke up. I'm still in love with 45, n still rejected by him. I have tried everything to get over him but i can't let go. I want but i don't know how. I can't resist myself from texting him or callin him. 98% of the time he doesn't respond. When he does it's to meet up and i always say yes. I know he's with other girls he does drugs, his a thug, coldhearted. I am an elementary teacher our lives are so different, i know all this and still cant let go. When we're together i forget about all the bad times i've had with him, i only want to enjoy the moment i don't want to make him mad cuz i know he'll leave. I always thought i was a strong person but he makes me feel so weak. He acts like he doesn't care about anything, never expresses what he feels, he says he feels no emotions. I tell him how much he hurts me but he doesn't realize how much, he says he's not doing anything to me. I don't know what to do, very few people know about him and i. Noone knows how our relationship is only my younger sister who is too young to understand. I get so depressed all the time, i spend hours thinkin about him and this situation but i never see any difference. I am in desperate neeed of help. Someone tell me what do i need to do. SOMEONE TELL ME PLEASE!!!!!

June 14, 2007
11:52 pm
Avatar
fantas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Stabbedheart))), I am convinced that in your gut, you know what you need to do. The question is why wont you do it? Why are you willing to settle for so little and most importantly, Why don't you believe him when he tells you that he has no feelings and he isn't doing anything to you. It's clear that he is not willing to empathize with you but he is willing to use you. Why are you letting him. I understand the obssession with a person to a point of addiction which is where I think you are. You are addicted to this man just like he is to the drugs. Perhaps you can consider attending codepency anonymous meetings in your area. Also you can read the book, Codependent no More, I believe you will see yourself in there. Right now, I think you should start a no contact with him. You can stop obsessing but you do not have to talk to him. Do you see a therapist? Keep posting and reading the threads here. Many of us have been where you are so we understand you...If you do the work, it does get better.

June 15, 2007
1:51 am
Avatar
Desert Moon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Stabbed,

The first thing you need to do is take care of YOU. As fantas said, you seemed to be obssessed or addicted to this person who uses you.
You are obviously an intelligent, educated woman (I am assuming this is a heterosexual relationship) who knows this needs to change or you would not be coming here for help. I think you do know what to do, but just need a push to get you started. You definitely need to stop seeing this person NOW, as he is taking everything he can from you emotionally. This means you need to stop calling and meeting him. I think the reason you are afraid to stop is because the feelings are so strong and that you are helpless to stop. When he agrees to see you, that is a release for you until the next time. It makes you feel better for a while, because you've gotten your 'fix' from him. Is that an accurate assessment?

I know this is hard, I too am codependent, although my situation is a little different, but, oh, I can relate to the confusion and struggle you are going through. Listen, to get away from this guy you are going to have to go through the pain of withdrawl. If you can, get some therapy, You will get lots of advice from this site, and you may find it will help you, but therapy is probably best for you. At least you are taking the first step, so keep posting.

A lot of people here initiate a no contact policy when they leave an abusive relationship, and write about their struggles to help them through those difficult first days and weeks. Some find it takes a long time to let go, others get through it faster, but all say that it definitely gets better over time, but it is very important not to talk to this guy, nor let him seek you out. it may be necessary to change your phone number and block his email, because if he ends up contacting you it may be difficult to turn him down, and you may be irrisitably drawn into the same mess all over again.

Good luck, please keep posting, there are a lot of folks here willing to support you!
((stabbedheart))
DM

June 17, 2007
10:53 pm
Avatar
stabbedheart
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you for the advice. That's exactly what i feel, addicted. I feel that i have to at least have a bit of him, i'll settle for anything he is willin to give me. I hate it, I know what i have to do but i'm unable to do it. I try not to call or text him but after three days i'm dying to call him or text. Mostly text, i can talk to him about how i feel but i'm unable to express myself because i get no feedback from him or he doesn't show any interest. so i find it easier to text him everything that i'm feeling, he never response. I'm to the point where i believe that i need help because i want this to stop. But i since no one knows about my relationship with this guy i'm afraid my parents will find out and ask me what's going on. It's great that i found this website, hope it helps me i will also read the book i was suggested. About writing down what i'm feelin as i'm going through the painful withdrawl, i have try it but i make the mistake of writtin to him. When i'm depressed i'll write everything i'm feeling but get now answer and that makes it worst for me. I feel that i'm so addicted that i have hope that one day everything will change. It dumb to think that, i know, I have so many mixed feelings it just hurts so much to accept that i mean absolutely nothing to him when he is like everything to me. I wanna feel happy but i know i'm not ever goin to be untill his out of my life.

June 18, 2007
5:01 pm
Avatar
lettingo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

stabbedheart,
I'm sorry but I am going to be straight with you and say, I do not believe this is love but plain old addiction. Many of us have been there so you are not alone. This man basically treats you with such disrepect and you allow. Which is why he continues to do it. I believe you are dealing with old abondonent issues, rejection, etc. You have said NOTHING nice about this man. PLEASE, get help. Get into therapy and/or a 12 step program like Alanon or CoDA. Read everything you can regarding obsessive or addictive love. There is so much material out thereo n this. YOU HAVE TO stop all contact with him so you can get your balance back. I understand too well these addictive relationship. The more they pulled away the harder I dug in. Please get help before you get hurt even more.

June 18, 2007
11:32 pm
Avatar
stabbedheart
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i'm going to stop all contact with him today i didn't text or called. It feels good i try not to think about him, i keep myself busy. I know it's going to take more than that, but i really want it so i'm going to do it. Knowing that someone knows what i'm going through and is able to help me with advice has really made me feel good. I'm going to continue writing when this is over i will let you guys know, you guys are helping me through this by giving me your advice and letting me know that i'm not alone on this.

June 19, 2007
10:15 am
Avatar
lettingo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

stabbedheart,
You can do this but remember it is an addiction and you will most likely experience withdrawal like symptoms. While you are going through this I would like to encourage you to read books on the subject. It is not all that uncommon amoung us codepedant women. Take it one day or one minute at a time. That is how it was for me when I left my exhusband. It was so very hard for a while but slowly it began to get easier and it will for you too. You DESERVE BETTER!

June 19, 2007
10:52 am
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I also think it's important to read these books...because at some point, he is going to realize he has lost his control over you and try to weasel his way back, getting what he can from you....and like an addict facing a dealer, or an alcoholic walking into a liquor store...you will have to be strong in the face of temptation.

Women who love too much and codependent no more are FANTASTIC books that explain where the roots of our codependency/addiction to love come from. And how to break free of the grip it has on us.

There are many free coda meetings, you can find them listed at http://www.coda.org. Al-anon and ACOA meetings are very similar, so if there are no coda meetings near you, these would help. I drove 90 minutes ONE way to my meetings...I knew I needed them and I knew I was worth it. And I was tired of hurting.

As everyone here said, this is much like an addiction....your moments with him give you the high, and once it's over, you crash, and go searching for your next fix. And he knows it, and he uses it for his advantage.

If you have insurance, I would recommend therapy too. By being in two relationships at once, you really show that something is "missing" inside you....a good therapist can help you work thru that.

When you start going thru withdrawl, come here, talk it out, write it out, keep a journal, talk to a friend, go for a walk...make a healthy snack...keep your mind off of him.

delete his emails, his texts....block his emails, his phone numbers, etc.

do what you can to walk away clean.

and don't worry about explaining to him...you owe him nothing...does a junkie call his dealer for a fairwell speech? usually not...they just stop going. And like any dealer, he will find someone else to use and abuse.

good luck to you....many of us here will understand...so keep posting.

June 19, 2007
11:33 pm
Avatar
stabbedheart
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I feel that i started my way out of this and there is no turning back. I love the feeling of knowing that someone is supporting me. (Risingfromtheashes) Everything you say is so true, he has a control over me and he knows it. HE uses that control all the time, he knows that if he tells me anything nice or sweet i will respond to him by giving him more of me. I know he takes it as a joke and sees me as a doll that he can pick up and throw to the floor as many times as he wants cuz i belong to him. I know one he starts to see that i'm serious about ending this he will come back i know. I'm going to look up the coda meetings and i'm deffinately going to go out and buy find me some books. Receiving all this positive and supportive feedback is really making me more motivation. Today, my i found myself thinking about him several times but i kept pushing those thoughts out of my head. When i start thinkin about him, i think of the good feelin i felt when i was with him and that feeling is what makes me miss him and want to go for him. Evrything that you guys have wrote i have thought about before but when someone else tells you, some how you i find it more helpful. Because you guys are being honest telling me what hurts to hear. The truth, sometimes we see it ourselves but we deny it because we don't want to face it.

June 20, 2007
2:00 pm
Avatar
Desert Moon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Stabbedheart

Hang in there. Have you taken steps to make sure he cannot contact you (you said he would do this for sure)? Please do this, It will make things so much easier for you, because if you know he is seeking you out, and he is able to contact you, you will probably not be able to resist as you are still very very vulnerable.

The analogy about the doll is a good one. Maybe when you find yourself longing to call or text him, or are consumed with thoughts of him, replay that image in your mind over and over. That is what he is doing to you. He will keep throwing you down until he destroys you beyond repair. Think of that over and over, and this will be a constant reminder of the cruel person he really is. You cannot love and respect yourself if you allow this person to be in your life. Remember that too.

keep reading your self-help books, adn posting. Stay strong.

DM

June 22, 2007
12:32 am
Avatar
stabbedheart
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

today i've spent my day thinking about him. Yesterday he called me, i was at work so i was unable to answer him. When i got home after work i saw his phone call. Honestly, i waited to see if he would call again. I'm not going to answer, i guess i just want to see is he is going to insist or if he is going to let it go. Sunday was the last day i talked to him, i told him that i was serious about endeing this, he probably doesn't believe because i have said it so many times.His anwswer was do it and leave it alone. Since i've been thinking about him after that call, i see how vulnerable i am. But i keep thinking about my goal which is to end this and that's helping me. I've been really busy this last 2 days so that helps. I know he doesn't love me because after almost 3 years he has never respected me and has always being so careless. But then again i wonder since it's been almost 3 years do you think there are some kind of feeling towards me or might it be that it's also an addiction for him?He never talks about his feelings, but in this 3 years he has told me like five times that he loves me. But only on over the phone never in person. I don't believe him because actions speak louder than words but it does add to my confusion. Since he's from a different country he leaves once a year and stay for about 2 months and on those two months he always calls me to see how i'm doing. The last time he was away was this january i told him that since he was going to leave i was going to try to forget about him. The fisrt two weeks he called me i acted indifferent and i guess he felt it and he began being sweeter with me that's when he would tell me that he loved me. But when he came back nothing changed he was still just seeing me like once a month sometimes twice. We have never had good communication between us because to me it seems like he hides something and wants no one to know. I didn't even know his name untill we went to a trip a year ago and i saw some of his papers in his car and found out his name. We would always meet and we never conversated until this year that changed. He conversates with me more now but alot. It's the weirdest thing ever. I don't know cuz he has so many mood swings he just acts weird all the time. Sometimes i think it's a cultural thing but i don't know cuz sometimes he can be so mean. ILast time i talked to him i was so upset and i told him everything i was feeling and he had no reaction what so ever. On the other hand, i mentioned on my first thread that i used to be in a relationship with another guy for 5 years we recently broke up like a month ago. He is the complete opposite, he is so in love with me. I loved him very much, when we started our relationship i felt that he was the one, i had never met anyone more perfect than him. He is handsome, super intelligent, loved to spend time with me, made me his top priority, he just a great guy, the greates ever, my family loves him. He was my bestfriend, we shred our future goals together i know he will be a very successful person. But as soon as i met 45 everything changed, i changed. My love shifted to the wrong person. I don't understand why, I had everything any one would want in a relationship. I try to continue my relationship with him because i didn't want to loose such a great guy. But it didn't work out. There were always doubts, resentment for what i had done. I wished i would off never hurt him, i feel that i deserve the pain i'm going through because i did it to him, he didn't derserve it. He still wants to be with me but i feel that i have caused him enough pain, i don't want to hurt him any more. I feel something very strong for him but i don't know if it's love. For now i think it's better for me to stay away from both of them.

June 22, 2007
1:29 am
Avatar
Desert Moon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi stabbed,

This guy, 45, sounds like he is hiding something, especially if he doesnt tell you his name. If he is doing anything illegal, this is another reason you should not have anything to do with him.

Whether 45 has told you he loves you or not is beside the point. I am getting the impression that you are questioning his feelings for you, as a way of trying to find a reason to stay. I can assure you that your gut feelings are correct - this man cannot possibly love you. Love does not harm or abuse. Love is respectful. This man has not demonstrated any of those qualities to you. He is poison to your soul.

It also sounds like your infatuation with 45 has caused your other relationship to break up. I can't understand why, if this person was so perfect, that you became attracted to 45 unless some underlying issues were going on. I truly think you need to eplore those feelings regarding your relationship with your exbf. If you can figure out why you were drawn to this other person and try to get past those unhealthy behaviors, then maybe you have a chance to try again. But I think you are right that it is better to stay away from both of them for now. If this person truly loves you he will give you room to work things out.

Again, I really am going to urge you to make yourself scarce to 45 by changing your phone number and any other source of contact so that he cannot get a hold of you.

You seem to be doing well so far, keep up the good work, I am just concerned that the more your resist, the more he will try to get you to respond to him. It is possible that he too has an addiction to you as well, but for him is is in the form of power and control.

Good luck, keep posting!

DM

June 22, 2007
11:05 am
Avatar
lettingo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Congrats and good for you to not call him back. You have already grown are are seeing that this man is not healthy. You line "do you think there are some kind of feeling towards me or might it be that it's also an addiction for him". What does that even matter. What his problem is. Just want to encourage you to keep the focus on yourself and your recovery from this. There are great books out there. Check out "Don't call that Man" and the Joureny from abandonement to Healing, also How to Break and Addiction to a Person. All excellent books. It helped me a lot to read these kind of books when I was leaving a relationship I KNEW was toxic get had such an incredible hold on me. He is calling because he wants that control back and will probably try harder so beware and just remember you deserve better!!!

June 23, 2007
9:39 pm
Avatar
AQueen
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You sound like this woman my old dealer used to mess with. I'm a recovering addict and I used to cop dope off these Mexican guys. I would make their phone calls and help them fill out paperwork for things like cars, phones, etc because they couldn't read or write in english. They barely spoke the language. Anyways, they were typical dope dealing thugs, cute but dangerous. Anyways, I never messed with them because they weren't my type plus I wanted to keep getting discounts on my dope for helping them with the things I mentioned above-reading and writing and whatnot not because I was having sex with them because sex gets old quickly and I wouldn've lost my discount fast! That's how men are, variety is what interests many of them. Anyways, my one dealer had this square lady sprung on him, I mean absolutely head over heels in love or lust--whatever. He never told her his real name, had sex when he felt like it, when he would go home to his home county he would call sometimes to see what she was up to which in reality was to see if he could control her from a distance, he would stay with her when his place was getting watched by the cops, and so on. He had sex with lots of girls, from girls he would meet at the clubs to strung out nasty street walking crack hoes hungry for a fix. I asked him point blank if he cared for her at all and he said he didn't wish her harm but no he didn't feel that way. I think for her she liked the danger of being with a bad boy. Maybe the unknown intrigued her, she had never experianced a guy like that before? Maybe the fact that she knew she couldn't have him was the draw because she wanted to see if she could be the one to tame him? Maybe all of the above. Please be very very very careful with this man. You could get pulled into some drama because of his illegal activities. If he's having sex with many other women I would worry about STDS. Condoms don't protect againist everything. Herpes are very easy to catch and it doesn't matter if you use a condom if the guy is broken out even a little bit in the area his pubic hair covers. I caught it when I was 19 and I SWEAR I didn't see any marks or sores on the guy at all! I only break out 1-3 times a year but it's uncomfortable. The first time you have a outbreak it's soooooo painful! Be careful. If this guy is into drugs and say he owes someone drugs or money and they follow him and he is heading to meet you, what if they open fire on him??? The what it's are endless in the dope game. This guy sounds like a thug, I used to mess with thugs when I was really young like 16-18. I was drawn to the bad boy thug image and I learned my lesson, complete waste of time!!! Not to mention being with them is not realistic, they have NO future! I learned that real quick. I mean talk about embarassing when introducing him to friends, hi this is uhhh Mac 10 and Mac 10 this is my friend Wendy! I said Mac 10 because they always have some silly like nickname that is there to make them anonymous and to seem hard. He could've fit in with the people in your world, really! No more than you would fit into his world. Not to mention he see's you as a booty call. Not only are your emotions at stake but I would really watch out if you continue to hang with him because sometimes we become guilty by association. You're a smart girl you'll figure it out. How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? Just curious. I grew up having everything I wanted except my dad's attention and love. I acted out by hanging out with bad boys and crazy girls for a short time. I out grew it pretty quickly thank god. Then I got into drugs for awhile but now I'm sober and have been for a year. I went back to school and I'm doing really well. When you live wrong you eventually realize that living right is sooooooooooo much easier! I'm just happy I never got into trouble with the law or anything so I don't have anything hanging over my head now that I'm clean and living a normal life. When I was caught up in the dope game and all that I just wanted a normal life. I didn't want to be rich or famous, no, I just wanted to be comfortable and happy. I'm living that normal comfortable happy life and I wouldn't trade it for anything! Good luck with all this. I hope I didn't make you upset.
AQueen

June 23, 2007
9:47 pm
Avatar
sadandlonely
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh how I feel your pain!!!
And I'm sad to admit it, but it makes me feel a little better that I'm not the only one. Love can be addicting, even if it isn't really really love but an idea we've created to not feel alone. At least that's what I think I've done. Be strong!!!!! We can do it together....no texting no phone calls no keeping tabs on them....we can just let it go

June 26, 2007
10:00 pm
Avatar
stabbedheart
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I really appreciate you guys being there and helping me through this. I haven't taLK TO him or texted, but i made the mistake of callin private just to hear him, he was on the phone with another girl. That made me fell like crap, but I'm glad he did that now i woun't do that again. It's been a week and even though i did that i feel like e've done well. NO TURNING BACK!!!!!!!! I'm ready to move on, and everything that you guys write is so true, it hurts and makes me cry when i read it because you know exactly what my situation is. BUt i look forward to yalls feedback always. Aqueen, my situation is just like that. He is a thug, i never had in my life anyone like that so him being a thug made him very attractive to me. Different from everyone i had met before, it was always a challenge for me.When i first met him i never thought he would like a girl like me but i guess he did like me for his game. HE would tell me that why did i want something i knew i couldn't have, but i was so obsessed with tryin to change him and be the one he would fall in love with. But of course he's never going to change, i always new he would not fit into my life. And about me introducing him to my friends i always thought it would embarrasing because he is a straight up thug, my friends are not like that at all. Our lifes are so different and i always told him that. Today i was even thinking that being with him would be like buying a tore up house. Even if i tried fixin it, it would take years alot of effort, time, and money and maybe it's unfixable. I know what the deal is it's just so hard but i will move on. It's true that love is blind, you see only what you want to see. You guys are the ones that tell me what i was to blind to see or what i didn't want to realize. Having him in my life opened my eyes to alot of different things. I always knew he didn't care about me, and when he said or did nice things i turned them into something huge, just putting my hopes up. I'm very young 23 years old, i know i have alot to live and learn. HE controlled me very well i always tried to get away but he knew what to do to keep me under control. Think we both are tired of it so it'll be easier. I keep telling myself that all the time. Thank you all, you guys don't have a clue of how much your words mean to me. When i feel really bad i come and read your responds and that keeps me going. Thank you, Aqueen i'm glad you were able to move on into better things in life. I myself have a wonderful life, i have so many great people around me that truely care and love me. I go to school and work at a schools a teacher, my life could be so perfect if i wasn't going through this. Overall, i'm proud of myself i never got involved in drugs he offered me but i never gave in. I know what i want in life and always knew i didn't want a person like him in my life but it happened all for a reason i guess. Sadnlonely, i realized that i wasn't the only one when i came into this website so yeah together we will overcome this. I was always asking myself why this had to happen to me but i know it will make me a stronger woman. Dm and lettingo thanks for your words of support you guys are always right and making me feel better.

June 27, 2007
5:28 pm
Avatar
lettingo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

stabbedheart,
You are young and I just want to say that you get help for why you were drawn to this "type" of person in the first place. It would prevent you from repeating the pattern. I went out with one available person after the next and went through exatly what you are going through right now every single time. I wish I had gotten help when I was your age. It would have saved me YEARS of heartache~!

July 3, 2007
11:40 pm
Avatar
stabbedheart
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

it's been 16 days NC contact with 45, it's been so hard. Seriously, evryday i'm wait for his call or text but nothin.It's so hard, i really wish i could fast forward my life and leave him in the past.I wish i could just run to him and hug him and tell him how much i miss him and love him, i know it's just a dream because it would be like tellin the door i would get no response. BUt i keep reminding myself of the reasons why i'm doing this, BEcause as much as i feel that i love him and miss him, i know things are never going to change. It's been a very difficult experience with him, so many things i just don't understand. Like, i don't understand how can a person be with you and kiss you with so much passion for 3 years and not feel anything for you. How can someone keep hurting you, after you tell over and over that they're hurting you because they don't love you and they keep accepting to meet up. How can someone be with someone and never have sex with them. He kissed me with passion, our bodies were been attracted by each other and it i always felt so much when we were together but the sex part was never reached. i just don't get it, why did he do that? For months it was just kissing and some touching not too sexual but he would still meet up with me. WHY? WHy was our situation like that? At some point i felt like there was something wrong with me. He made me feel like having sex with me was borin or i don't know. In 3 years we only had sex 5 times, can you believe that? TO be honest no one has ever made me feel so good like him. His kisses, the way he touches me, he knows exactly wat to do, never shy or holds back whatever he wants to do he does that drives me crazy. Well but yeah he is a thug in my opinion very hot so he has a variety to choose from. My sexual experiences are nothing compared to his. It's sad that i'm going through this. When i met him i was a little over weight. So when he stopped having sex with me i thought it was cuz of my weight, so i started working out and lost weight but nothing changed. I feel that this years all i have been doing is everything i can to please him but he doesn't even care. I feel like my self'esteem is very low, i feel so insured around people. I feel fat, ugly, too quiet, i feel like i keep evrything to myself so i'm never able to communicate good with people. Sometimes i feel invisible like noone even notices me. I just feel like crap evryday, i never feel pretty not matter wat, i don't to do anything, i just want to lay down and do nothing. At night i've been having a hard time fallin asleep, all i can do is think about him. over and over and over again. i want it to be over NOW!!!!!!!!!

July 4, 2007
11:02 am
Avatar
Desert Moon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi stabbed

Good for you that you have been able to stay away for this long. You are much stronger than you think. When we break contact, alot of feelings come out. First and foremost is - is HE going throught the same thing? We also drive ourselves crazy wondering why he wont call, because if he was rally missing us he would call, wouldn't he?? If he doesn't call he really doesn't care, and that drives us even crazier, because deep down we also want to have the no contact to make them want to call us.

I know all these thoughts are going through your head right now. It's called obsession, and its happening because that is part of the withdrawl process. It is a very powerful and scary feeling, because you are letting go of something you once depended on, and it is overwhelming you right now. I know this must be terribly hard for you to got through alone. Do you have friends/family you can hang out with? Being with other people can help. Or try to distract yourself by reading a book or watching a movie. Some people here say to put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it whenever you find yourself thinking about him. I havent done that but others say it works pretty well.

Just know these feelings, as strong as they are, will subside over time. Remind yourself of why you are doing this- because the bottom line is that HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU AND IS A CRUEL AND VICIOUS PERSON. Tape it to your wall if you have to.

Keep posting and please dont give up. I know how hard this is. My worry is that right now you are so vulnerable that if he does call you, you will not be able to resist. I hope that does not happen.

Good luck and take care

DM

July 4, 2007
5:22 pm
Avatar
stabbedheart
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi DM,

Yes, i feel exactly everything you say. I'm always thinkin about him and i wait for his call cuz that would make me believe that he does care and misses me too. It's crazy to think that way, because i know regardless he calls or not he doesn't feel anything for me. If he is to call i'll answer him but i'm not planning to go back into the same thing. I really want him to call so i can turn him down and let him know that i could care less if he's in my life. I know it's probably weird but if i was able to do that and stay away it would make me feel good. Well, honestly i know its a crazy idea because i want to push it to the point where he'll keep insisting. BUt if that was to happen it would be a 50/50 chance that i would go back. SO if he does call i will NOT answer, it's going to be HARD. I don't think he'll call though. You know this week has been the hardest, because before i have gone 2 weeks without talking to him but no longer than that. So if i survive this week it's going to be a huge accomplishment for me. About me having friends to hang out with or family members i do. I've been single for about 1 month and 1/2 and they've been really good in trying to include me when they plan to go out and hang out. BUt most of them are in relationships and some have children so its different they can't hang out all the time. I really try not to join them when they plan on going to clubs or bars. From the first year i met this guy, the situation of having an affair and having a serious relationship really overwelmed me and i started drinkin alot almost every weekend for about 1 year and 1/2. Last year in november i decided i didn't want to turn to alcohol because of my problems so i try noe hanging out that much with my friends because that's pretty much all they do. I also have my sister, i spend a lot of time with her. We go work out together,to the movies, just being with her is a big help she keeps me going and laughing i have a great time. BUt there are days that we just prefer not being around each other because we spend so much time together. Overall, i think i've been a good job at keepin myself busy, my job keeps me up all day from 8-6pm. I'm tired by the time i get home, when i go work out i'm super tired also. THe problem is that i have a hard time sleeping and that's when i think about him so much. When i'm by myself it drives me crazy cuz he is all i have in mind. I'm around children all week for too long and always doing something so on weekends i like to relax and do nothing but that's the problem. When i keep myself on the weekends i feel like i don't get to rest at all. I don't know but it's just not easy going through this but it's time so i'm willing to take the pain now and not live with the pain for who knows how many years. I keep reminding myself why i'm doing this and posting here really helps me vent what i'm feelin. Thanks for your words you always know the things to say.

Take care,
Stabbedhearted

July 4, 2007
8:05 pm
Avatar
Desert Moon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

oh, that's so good you have your sister to do things with, it sounds li with a positeke you are very close to her. you said in an earlier post she didn't know about this guy but at least you have things to do with her.

Yes, when we are busy the time passes quickly because we don't have time to think. it's a good distraction, so when things are quiet, like at night our minds go crazy with all the thoughts. Maybe you could try the rubber band on your wrist during this time. You snap it hard and that pain reminds you not to think about it, and you can replace it with a positive thought. Maybe you can make plans for the weekends as well so you have things to do.

DM

July 7, 2007
11:42 pm
Avatar
stabbedheart
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I was doing to well 19 DAYS!!!!!!!! BUT i text him, I wrote: I don't hate you for not loveing me i thank you, you did me a huge favor. He didn't answer. Sooo, I sent another text that said: THis is over i'm not starting this again. In this 3 weeks i've realized that you never lied when you said i didn't meant NOThing to you. I just hope you the best in everything you do. THen he answered: It seems longer... I responded the longer the better....HE responded: NO it's not.... I didn't reply.... TOday around 3:30pm he texted a ramdom picture of his car.... I replied: K.... and that was all. I know i shouldn't off done it but it's been so hard. I did it because i wanted to see if he replied. It's all process i had never gone that longer with any contact so that's the positive part. I still moving on no matter how long it takes but never will it be like before...

July 8, 2007
11:58 am
Avatar
Desert Moon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((Stabbed)), I know it's so hard to not contact, but you went 19 days without texting or calling. That is great! But you also know that you texted him because you wanted a response, which is game-playing. I mean, what on earth is the point in writing "This is over, I'm not starting this again," especially if he had never even called you in the first place??? What does it even matter what you write anything to him at all? You are trying to lose him, not push his buttons. Can you see my point? You simply wanted to see if or how he is going to react. This means you are losing your focus that you don't want this guy in your life anymore, and now he knows you are still interested or you wouldn't be texting. You can't play games with him or yourself like this, because when you do, you are allowing him to hold power over you.

Still, you deserve to pat yourself on the back, you are doing a wonderful job, and its normal to find yourself slipping at times. As I said I know this is extremely hard. Maybe next time you find yourself being tempted to call, stop yourself and do something nice for YOU - take yourself shopping, visit with your sister, do something, anything for yourself that takes the focus off him.

Also, you might want to check out the thread "What is the definition of codependency" that just came up. It may give you some insight into your thinking and behavior.

Keep going, I hope for you things are a little easier, even despite your setback. Hang in there and just remember you are doing this because you love yourself enough to protect yourself from all the hurt he has caused.

Take care
DM

July 8, 2007
12:10 pm
Avatar
startingover
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi and welcome stabbed heart

A man who makes you feel "fat ugly too quiet, and not able to communicate with people" is not good for you. You are none of those thins, and you communicate quite well in writing. I know it's easier in writing, and that is why you are here. Let it all out, we are a very accepting group, and a lot of us have "been there".

No contact is really important. Every time you text him, it takes away some of your strength, your power, even your self-esteem, because then you are left to wait...will he respond? Don't settle for the "let's be friends" tactic either, friends don't treat you that way.

This is a difficult time, I wish you all the luck.

SO

July 8, 2007
11:55 pm
Avatar
marypoppins
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Stabbed Heart,

Congratulations on your progress. I'm also trying to let go of someone, and it's been 1 week without contact. Every day has felt like years. It's very painful. I backtracked and sent him an email telling him I wished him the best, etc. But I wonder if I really meant that or if I was just hoping he'd tell me something nice. I'm so ashamed of how low I got with him. Just begging for crumbs.

In the back of my mind, I'm probably still hoping that he'll tell me how wrong he was, how special I am - maybe when h*ll freezes over, that will happen.

Sometimes I'm so angry with him for not appreciating me. He was always so careful not to commit to anything. I'd pour my heart out and he'd say nothing. When pressed, he'd tell me there was still some hope for us. But I think he was just avoiding a scene. He'd already started dating someone. But then, I hung in there. No one forced me.

So, each day that I don't contact him is one more day of building myself up. Because I too am not feeling very attractive right now. I gave him way too much of everything and lost my dignity in the process. I gave him so much power.

Maybe he's thinking about me, but probably, he's busy with his new girlfriend and relieved he doesn't have to deal with me anymore.

Just want you to know you're not alone. It's hard, and it hurts. Hang in there.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
27
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110914
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38536
Posts: 714200
Newest Members:
Striker1s, marcusz, Keara, Venn, Jolebio, loni89
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer