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Ultimate Boundary Question
May 15, 2006
12:08 am
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nopityparty
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I know privacy can be an issue. So how private is masturbation for a male? Is it a no-girls-allowed event most of the time?

May 15, 2006
12:15 am
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Matteo
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What makes you think they would want to watch?

May 15, 2006
8:12 am
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snowlover
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Im with matteo on this one. Little confused here. Are you wanting women in general to watch this, or one woman in particular?

Seems like an odd question, or maybe I dont understand why its being asked?

Snow

May 15, 2006
12:20 pm
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gayle
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I am a woman and when I was in college I was kinda dating a guy that liked to be watched

May 15, 2006
12:48 pm
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taj64
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I agree with Snow, this is odd question to ask and I find it offensive.

May 15, 2006
1:19 pm
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Matteo
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It is OK to do whatever pleases if consenting (not coerced) adults are involved. Otherwise, no I don’t think so.

Maybe you should ask how private sex should be. In my opinion - very. Same with masturbation.

May 15, 2006
1:37 pm
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lightchaser
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If thats what he likes and he is in a close enough relationship where he feels he can ask, that's fine. And as long as he can accept a woman's answer, fine.
No one can be the final determiner of what is "normal".

May 15, 2006
1:54 pm
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caraway
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no pity,

Are you asking if it is ok to be able to do masterbate in private or do you want an audience?

#1 It is a private pleasure and it is no one's business but your own.

#2 Are we talking about being an exibtitionist here and doing this in public? (WRONG) Are you simply saying that you want to include this in your sexual relationship with your partner? (COULD BE FUN)

Details please

Cary

May 15, 2006
6:02 pm
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nopityparty
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yeah what I meant was, should me the girlfriend feel like I should be included. Or, do men expect and have a right to a private sex life with themselves and their porn. Sorry if I was confusing. I think many women feel like they are not enough when they know their male partner masturbates. But then again, good luck finding a man that doesn't right? So I'm just wondering if I should be respectful of him and his dvds or if I can be in on this.

May 15, 2006
6:12 pm
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bonni
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nopityparty,
i think you should ask him. if you want to watch, its his comfort level that's important. doesn't bother my dh for me to watch. he'd prefer that I participate. of course, then he wants the full 9 yards; but he ALWAYS wants the full 9 yards. If you are comfortable with it and he is too, I say go for it.

in public would be way weird, well depends on what you mean by that. i wouldn't want to be caught. but my dh and i are pretty adventurous.

bonni

May 15, 2006
6:15 pm
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sewunique
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I am not sure I understand the WHY of the question. Are you asking becasue you are questioning what and why guys do this? It happens to both genders, some women do and some don't. Actually, I thought it was a private matter and never thought to question this as you have. What sparked the question from you?

May 15, 2006
6:23 pm
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nopityparty
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the question comes from a fear of the possibility. The possibility for sexual arousal and followthrough without me. I know that's the wrong direction to take my thoughts. I should be more creative. ALso there have been some humiliating erectiel disfunction occurrences. So I have tried embracing porn, we have had many discussions about sex, and he gave it up for a while to see if the problem would get solved. So I guess I'm insecure and shouldn't be since I am to be honest young and attractive and all that, I have a hard time saying it because its a taboo thing to do.

May 15, 2006
7:08 pm
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Nopityparty,

You are right about the taboo. It took me a long time to clue in that my exbf's porn-and-masturbation habit had a lot to do with his occasional impotence, his growing obsession with having a particular kind of sex, and eventual lack of interest in sex for long periods.

After we finally broke up I asked a question on another internet forum I belong to, about people's experiences with the effects of porn use on relationships. There was a wide spectrum of responses and I got a better picture of how taboo it is to talk about this stuff, and how isolated most of us are with this aspect of our lives.

It's good that you know you are attractive and "not to blame" if your bf prefers porn to you sometimes. As I said on another thread recently, I ended up learning more than I ever wanted to know about porn and sex addiction. I believe they are very detrimental to intimacy and for a person like me who doesn't have a lot of experience with true intimacy, very confusing.

I think as codeps sometimes we bend ourselves into pretzels trying to go along with something that is inherently hurtful to us because it's hard to believe someone could be so self-absorbed as to not want to share with us (i.e., we assume that the thing is good or neutral, and worth sharing). Maybe I'm projecting my situation onto yours and it isn't like that with your bf. But if my experience can serve as a warning or a wakeup for you, please use it. All the best, kroika

May 15, 2006
7:11 pm
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bonni
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its only taboo if that's the way you think of it. i think that anything that enhances the experience for both of you is great. i used to think there was a "right" way to have sex. now, i realize that its about making each other happy, not what anyone else thinks.

May 15, 2006
7:53 pm
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Hi again...

Just to clarify, what I meant by taboo is that people are very uncomfortable about it, in general, in our society. It's not a common topic of conversation for most people to talk about these aspects of their relationships, with their friends and confidant(e)s.

As to "right" and "wrong" ways to have sex, one principle I found helpful was learning that if there is a basic power imbalance in the relationship, some kinds of sex that the more powerful partner wants can be harmful to the less powerful partner, and to the relationship itself. The less powerful partner may go along and get hurt in the process.

Bonni, I think you are recommending mutuality in caring about making each other happy, and I'm all for that! In my case, my exbf's use of porn and masturbating was part of a larger pattern of self-absorption and unwillingness to do anything except on his terms.

Because the topics are so taboo to talk about, it's hard to get a reality-check from friends or whoever the people are in one's life that one turns to for information about relationships.

Good luck, npp. I've gotten a lot out of Patrick Carnes' books, and you might too. kroika

May 15, 2006
8:17 pm
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sewunique
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In asking my question to you, it was because it seemed there was "more to it" than your original question. It seems there was. I have always thought masturbation of males was the "norm" for them growing up. Reason they do not stop; guess it feels good, and frankly, they never grow up (for the most part;)

I was raised, as many here I suspect, that for the female gender, it was wrong and dirty. Many females will never get over that theory, until well into adulthood, some never.

That's about all I can offer on the topic. But is does seem as though this has turned into a meaningful, deeper and richer thread.

Reading on here....

My best to you,

Sew

May 15, 2006
9:34 pm
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I have heard it said that when we pleasure ourselves in front of a lover we show them some of the things that give us pleasure.

If sex is a healthy appetite expressing itself whatever goes I suppose.

Yet nothing exploitive, always between two equals always.

Then it can be really a lot of fun, a way of playing that is magic.

And I am still learning how to masturbate. An ongoing thing!

May 16, 2006
12:12 pm
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nopityparty
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Its been very helpful getting this out, confusing you all with my confusion, so that we could all come out of it with more clarity. It helps me not be passive aggressive and irritable when around my boyfriend and thinking about it. I don't want to have another sex conversation, especially since in the past they were blow ups. But I don't want to be a "mine field" in the bedroom because of this. So, I think I will ask again (if I can watch him watch porn and do his thing) even though he told me no when I asked before (maybe a year ago).

I hope he is willing to include me. Then maybe I can stop worrying. And then when it's just us I won't feel like the only one into it (which makes me not into it at all). Thanks for the support

May 16, 2006
12:36 pm
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Soulsister
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This makes me think of the movie "Something About Mary" when they have the hilarious conversation about not having a loaded gun. When Mary..uses "it" for hair gel. Sorry, not trying to make light of a serious subject... I just wanted to add something funny to the thread.

That move was SOOO funny!!

I think it's healthy and normal for men and woman..whatever is comfortable for the individual. If it spices things up a bit...go for it..as long as it's what you feel comfortable with. Whatever makes things fun and feels good..go for it!!!

Soulsister

May 16, 2006
2:30 pm
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StronginHim77
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Alot has certainly been written by psychiatrists and psycholgists on the subject of the porn/masturbation issue. Interesting point I will bring forward from my independent reading on the subject (from MORE than one source): individuals who are in a committed relationship (such as marriage), yet continue to watch porn and masturbate, frequently have intimacy issues. "Porn" is a fantasy world where no communication, consideration or exchange of intimate feelings is required. It is a sort of "escape" from reality, via lust and sexual pleasure. This would equate to a depressed person eating an entire pan of chocolate brownies, to satisfy an inner,emotional void.

Am I making sense?

Keeping "judgment" out of it, I will share from a personal perspective that I was DEEPLY wounded when I discovered that my late husband was sitting up late at night, viewing online porn. This undermined our marrage grievously and I felt very betrayed. Perhaps this is too "moral" or too high a bar of performance/expectation, but I believe that if you are committed to another human being via marital vows, lusting after the naked bodies of other people betrays those vows. We are, after all, supposed to "forsake all others." To me, that includes the naked bodies of any woman, other than myself.

May 16, 2006
2:39 pm
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Soulsister
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Strong..

Yes, you are making sense. I could see where this could make someone feel "Deeply wounded."

It isn't something I've ever dealt with but I could see how difficult it would be. (((hugs))) to you all.

Soul

May 17, 2006
3:26 pm
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nopityparty
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yes it hurts. i just came home to him all sweaty and the dvd out. why can't he wait for me. i pleasured him last night and not in a way i like, i had to be as non-person as possible. Can I fix this.

May 17, 2006
3:34 pm
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nopityparty
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ok so i ask him about it and he just says its morning wood and everybody takes care of it somehow and tells me i'm being fucking lame. How can I get him to listen to me. Am I crazy for taking this seriously to the "dealbreaker" status.

May 17, 2006
3:36 pm
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Soulsister
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(((nopityparty)))

I'm sorry..honey.. 🙁

THere are sooo many addictions out there. Yet, somehow..they all fall into the same patterns.. whether it's drugs, like my guy, or gambling, alcohol, or sex/porn. They are so different..yet so similar. They choose the addictions over us, and we feel as if we have failed..or are being rejected. It isn't us..it's not our fault..it's their addiction..not ours. We can't fix it..only they can. I understand how hard it is... you feel as if you have to accept it or not be with them. I wish I had better advice..I am not one to give good advice..I am waiting for a drug addict..who will be in jail for a long, long time. I do understand how you feel....

Love to you ...Soulsister

May 17, 2006
3:55 pm
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pinkcloud
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sex can be a spiritual experience that touch you so deep in your heart as i was blessed to experience a few times in my life( once was actually without reall sex but compleatly nude and vulnerable i felt seen and appriciated and so whole S I never felt before) i als experienced a lot of sexual abuse. whenever I think more about pleasing him(my natural state)insted of giving myself the pleasure to be pleased I know i'm in truble. Big truble... I worry about you going against you values and doing things you don't like for the sake of your conection, try not too, the price is so high. I am all pro mutual pleasing exploring and playing as equql partners, treat your spirit and body with gentelness. love your curiosity, that is so refreshing.

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