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August 18, 2000
2:52 pm
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how can i be intimiate with someone? i dont like to talk. what will we do? just sit there in silence? thats what happens with me when i'm with any of my friend. i dont talk much, i zip my mouth, dont want to talk. he/she does all the talking until he becoems bored obviously then finds something else to do. i'm not too good company! what will she do when she'll be with me? what will i talk about? everyday life? i dont have the habit, i know someone when he's around he keeps talking and talking about everyday things, this and that, just goes on. but with me, its 10 seconds and after that i'll either be silent and complaining that life is hard, it sucks, studies suck, so many tensions and etc. who wants to hear me complaining? thats all i can think of in conversation. wither its complainits or nothing else. i seem to think maybe complaining and talking about my problems might solve the problem somehow. well atleast i'm being honest, not a superman, pretending not to have problems. well but who will want to be around me when all i'm doing is complaining most of the time? if i'm feeling relaxed i just dont like to talk, i like being happy in the silence. but are me and she gonna be like that together? i bet she'll get bored. so how do i get intimate with someone when i'm so boring a company ? what do i do ?

August 18, 2000
3:59 pm
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a few days ago someone asked me out for dinner. i think i got afraid later, then i tried to make myself relaxed but it didnt work. she didnt respond. i think i got afraid she's gonna expect some things from me which i cant give consistently. like how will she like me if i'm depressed, stuck up, insecure etc ??
i do feel good but it can go and come in 5 minutes, so its not consistent.
how do i get intimate in this situation ?? 5 minutes ago, i got some energy to do something, because i tried to think other things will work out, but now i'm depressed and sick again. i feel everything is just going to fail. i'm hungry but i'm sick of eating, i dont even feel like getting up and eating, or getting something from the market. so i lie down on the bed, close my eyes and start to relax. but when i'm relaxing, i start thinking of the things i have to do so i must get up. then i get depressed but i'm still in bed. and so on ... shit...

August 18, 2000
5:55 pm
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ok this is what happens when i'm in public. i'm sitting down, waiting for an appointment. i'm very concious of myself, i want to apear cool and relaxed and not flustered and confused or insecure. i look down on someone's shoes when i become concious of what i'm doing. i think it shows low self-esteem if you look down or at someone's shoes or on the floor. so i look up again, trying to look more confident. i sense i'm becoming tense again, i should do what appears natural. so i look down again, or around myself. i think i should'nt look around, i should just concentrate on myself. so i look straight and my eyes go down automatically.

when i'm doing these type of thigns in public, and thinking like i think, being so consious of myself, i dont know where the hell am i going. what do i do stop this? how i get genuinly comfortable in puclic and feel no anxiety or consiosness? what should i do ? anyone?? 🙁 what can i do ?

August 19, 2000
10:37 pm
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am i talking too stupid or too dumb? or over whelming? obsessed? about what? faking it? or over-doing things? maybe its not that serious and i'm making it a mountain out of a molehill? well everything was eral at tat time, but right now it doesnt seem that important now. still it will come back. i dont know what to do. this after noon i thought of the saying happiness is a journey, not a destination. i know that i imagine myself happy after some years maybe, like when i'm 30 or 35 something like that. so that means i am seeing happiness as a destination which isnt correct. but what should i do to make it a journey. sooner or later i run out of fuel, that makes me run after my happiness and i;m left at the same grouchy place i tried to escape a while ago.

brenda what do u mean by getting vulnerable, i still want to know what you meant by that. i know there comes a time when i mistrust everyone in a relationhips whether a he or she. that doubt is what doesnt let me get close to people, cause i dont let them. well what should i do. man am i good at complaining, can anyone beat me at this? couldnt think of anything else to say. either no one wants to listen or u're tired of me, and that i know. who wants to listen to complaiers.

August 21, 2000
7:35 am
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Guest,
Have youread up about social phobia? read some books and websites on that. maybe you could email a support group or organisation and ask them tosend you details of what they do?
I did that with my agoraphobia - read up all I could and made it my mission to learn as much as I could . It really helped.
Peace
Hazza

August 21, 2000
1:36 pm
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Guest,

I’m listening, I just don’t think I have an answer that you might want to hear.

And this is because I think I don’t understand you correctly. (Or: I don’t want to believe what I think I’m hearing.)

What I understand, when I try to listen to you is: go away you all, leave me. Don’t take away my misery it’s the one thing I have for sure and I won’t give it away. I have it, I’m used to it, it’s an essential part of me and don’t you come criticising me for it – anybody who will take away my misery is attacking my very self.

That is ok. And I really mean it, even if it may sound as if I’m being sarcastic. Nobody but you yourself can and will decide about any changes you will go through. Nobody but yourself can and will decide about what changes you want to go through.

And of course you are right: nobody is really happy to listen to somebody who is complaining round and round in circles. 🙂 Make any sense? Eve

August 21, 2000
1:59 pm
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ya i think many times i'm just sitting in misery, not doing anything about it. i dont know why i do that.

August 21, 2000
2:05 pm
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no, guest. you are not just sitting in misery. You seem to be actively fighting to stay there. I think you have a good reason for that. Only you yourself can find it. (NO: negative reasons are not GOOD reasons) Take your time, and don't take offence 🙂

August 21, 2000
3:22 pm
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hmm. i dont know, lets see.

August 24, 2000
5:22 pm
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ok why does this happen to me? :

when i'm around losers i perform better. when i'm around winners (secure confident, mentally healthy people) I freak out, get confused and collapse. this happens with me when i'm in public and at work. sometimes i'm able to keep a level head when around mentally healthy but that happens so rare.

why dies this happen with me? why do i change with respect to what type of people are around me? how can i be free and just act consistent no matter who is around me? (i know this is hard ..and no fast solution to it) ..

August 25, 2000
9:53 am
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It has to do with low self-esteem, which leads to depression adn self-loathing, which brings us to the place that you are at today.

No one else can help you, guest. Only you can do it. you have to do the work, you have to take the action, you have to make decisions, you have to choose your attitude.

A lot of times people who are severely depressed seek a fantasy life in which they don't have control and they don't make decisions. They feel helpless and incompetent, as if they can't even deal with the overwhelming burden that is living.

It sucks. It hurts. It's the worst feeling. So do something about it. I see you posting here: you feel worthless, angry at yourself, but you seek the maintain this kind of existence (I call it existence because when you sketch your boundaries so close to yourself you stop living and just exist, like a rock or a plant). Why?

You can go to your docotor, or seek out counceling, or go to free group therapy, or even pay for internet counceling where you chat with the therapist. The resources are there, no one will spoonfeed it to you or give you a magic pill that will make you confident, happy, charismatic and at peace. Hell, if that pill exists, I want it, even if it's illegal.

I don't say this to be derrogatory. But just do something for God's sake, please, anything, talk to anyone, DO SOMETHING. TODAY. PLEASE.

August 26, 2000
4:44 am
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i hate my mother, i hate her so much.. ahh... damn...
i hate her.

August 26, 2000
11:15 am
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hey there guest!
so we is all getting a bit angry on you eh? I think you like that more!
but seriously no-one is disrespecting you here, we just eman to say that "hey guy - go for happiness you may just like it"

So you hate your mother then? that is agood place to start - why do you hate her?
hating her for creating you is not the response we want here - something juicier than that please!

but you know, it isn't down to you mother anymore, what ever happened, it is up to you now. YOu are free to make those choices that Eve and Cici were talking of.

but the reason we stay stuckiscos it feels safe - but like Cici says - that just becomes existing and we need more than that t be really happy.

There is help ut there, but you need to decide that you want to get better.

hanging out with losers is sure a good way to make you feel better about yourself.

hell, If I hung out with dyslexics I would feel like a much better speller than if If I hung out with the worlds scrabble champion.

the point is you need to hang out with YOU and like it - that way who ever youa re around, you will be getting your feelings of worth from YOU not measuring youself against who you hang with.

YO are choosing losers because it is easy to feel good in their company.

you find it hard work to feel good around people you dont think are losers and so you take the easy option. Ignore the achievers and hang with the underachievers, I bet most of us have been guilty of that one, specially in relationships!

build on what youa re good at and what you CAN do -dont focus on all the fairy tale stuff of I wish... or focus on what you cant do.
That is just a way you use to keep you fromtrying out steps to get better.
I know myself - I did it for years with my anxiety problems, but it aint the answer.

Hazza

August 28, 2000
3:11 pm
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no no, you guys didnt make me angry or soemthing. you are all nice people. hell, i write all this sh-t and you respond to me. i should be very thankful for that.. thanks very much.

well i was hating my mother for whatever she has made me into, i have tones of personality problems all cause of her. i wanna go and kill her right now.. sigh ..
how pathetic can a person get? like my mother ..
it just looks impossible for me to feel good.

i wanna go into cousneling but cant afford it right now.. however i might try some group counseling. lets see.

August 28, 2000
7:39 pm
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How do I join in here?

August 29, 2000
1:32 am
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just start typing! :)..
well, whats on your mind? hows life?
i'm so sick of life myself at times (as u can see)

August 29, 2000
10:33 am
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I used to hate my mother, guest, with a bitterness that forced a silence between us for almost a year. When I was little she would have fits, along the lines of "Mommy Dearest". No more wire hangers! Well, I would say "No more broomsticks!", those were her weapon of choice.

I know a lot of my problems, inability to deal with reality and escapist persuits like drugs, stemmed from her abuse and abuse from others.

I decided a long time ago not to let her or anyone else win. You let them win by letting your emotional reaction to past traumas control your life. Of course I slip up. Every day I make a mistake, but you have to learn to forgive yourself for those mistakes.

I love my Mom. I guess it was most painful to realize that your parents, who seemed so big to you when you were small, are just like you now. Fallible human beings who make mistakes and are filled with regret, people who are just trying to keep going and live their lives.

I get angry just like my Mom used to, sometimes. I get murderous rages and feel like I want to hit something. I have hit and shoved and screamed at and belittled my poor fiance. I fear for any children I may have. I think this is what made me forgive her. I saw that she had this creature in her head, just like I do, and it makes me crazy sometimes.

I don't know. It's so disappointing. I keep looking for someone else to give me answers, hell, I would love to find some guranteed guru to tell m how to live my life and be successful. Instead I have to bumble along with a blindfold on my face, just like everyone else.

It's funny to me that some people, like my older sister, think that their parents are "out to get" them. She thinks my mother purposely made her life as a child terrible and now she refuses to talk to her or be near her at all. It's a sad sight ot see, someone so filled with their own fears and anger that they can't see reality. They won't face reality. They refuse to, and when you present them witha picture of how things realy are they respond with hostility and avoidance.

Life is strange. Absurd. Kafka and Sartre and deBeauvoir and all those other existentialists knew it. Deep down, you do to. It's just a mtter of learninghow to laugh at yourself. Loosening up.

August 30, 2000
9:53 pm
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often, my first impressions are so good. infact i see girls meeting me for the first time, being really friendly with me .. happens often. but they dont know the turmoil in my head and the fake cover i have. i appear to be very cool, solid, confident, sometimes a killer confidence is seen in me. a drive to do anything no matter what will happen.
but whats inside is a mountain of anxiety, too much conciousness. i'm so concious in public, i'll be knowing what i'm looking like and what i should look like. i know i should look very confident and cool and indifferent. maybe happy too.

i'm so fake! i recently turned off two more girls in real life! one of them asked me out to dinner and the whole thing flopped down like nothing. everything went flat. i saw her the other day, she was trying to ignore me.. hmm..

then another girl, she liked me too, when she met me. i could see it. i liked her too, and still do BUT low self-esteem and ker-plunk... its all gone.
i'm loosing hair because of all these tensions! i mean i have trouble studying, i have no friends, boys or girls. girls is what i wanted.. and all i can do is look back and see what things were like for a few seconds. then i force myself not to let me down, and so i think 'so what, what can i do'.
but i dont care about my hair..
i've read and i know women would prefer bald men who're confident about themselves rather than men who arent bald but arent confident. well i dont have hair and also no confidence. sigh.. !

August 31, 2000
10:45 am
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My fiance used to have really low self-esteem, before I met him. He finally got fed up with his lack of love connections and spent six months in his basement, lifting weights. Weird, huh? He said it made him feel more confident than he ever felt before. I suppose it was almost like meditating.

It's funny because I have a guy friend who is a striaght-up alcoholic. Drinks himself into a stupor every night. I asked him why. He sai he's waiting for the right girl to come along adn straighten him up. I said, look at yourself. What girl is going to want to have to clean up this mess?

Self-esteem is a funny thing. Some days you feel on top of the world. Other days you feel like the sludge stuck to your shoe. The strange thing is that there is a harmony to the flux of things. Knowing yourself is the key to feeling good about yourself. Keep writing.

September 5, 2000
2:37 pm
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cici, he had low self-esteem, then what was it that got u attracted to him? people who dont like themselves have a hard time making other people like them, right? what was it in him that u liked?

September 6, 2000
4:48 pm
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cici.

September 7, 2000
10:55 am
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guest...

His vulnerability. Because he felt badly, he understood himself more than most people. He is easy to talk to and sensitive and passionate and needy.

I don't know. I'm a differnt kind of person. I always liked wounded animals and I choose counseling as my profession because I feel for those people who need, you know?

I sometimes think about why I love him. He's insecure and unsure of himself, but he's more confident every day. He says he doesn't understand why I love him. I guess that's why I do love him. He's not afraid to show me how he feels or what he needs, and he's completely unselfish and very loving.

Psychologically speaking, the depressed individual actualy has a more accurate self-image than a person who is more optimistic, isn't that strange? I appreciate his honesty.

September 10, 2000
9:01 pm
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hmm ok.

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