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Two loves one big problem
May 12, 2006
1:17 pm
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pugs01
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Well Here it goes, any feedback, opinions, comments, greatly appreciated. I am currently in a relationship with my current girlfriend of 3 months, Our relationship has grown more and more every day and and the love that is between us is unimaginable. My (soon to be ex wife of 15 years) and I have been seperated since october of last year and we decided in february to go on with our lives and see other people as a divorce was pretty much set in stone.(although neither has filed divorce papers.) In fact, when I went to file divorce papers (about 4 weeks ago) my S/O called me, wanted to talk and said she was not ready to sign papers yet and that she was confused. a week later we got into an argument and of course was told once again to file papers (although she has made no attempt to procede with anything).
We both have someone in our lives now and although I dont know if the ex is in a "relationship" she has slept with someone else (like a one nighter) and claims it was just a "thing". She is head strong and would make a descision (right or wrong) and will stick with (sometimes) no matter what. She is the type that would cut off her nose to spite her face. She has sent me texts telling me when she misses me and of course When I have had a few too many I usually do the same thing. she has stated that marriage counselling is out. But at times says she is not sure. I didn't think it was possible to be in love with two people at the same time and I thought that I was really over my Wife and now I dont really know. Here's the question I have for you all, Do I put forth any effort in trying to save the marriage (getting my wife to commit to a descision, Trying again, etc or forget about her completely and move on with the current relaionship and 2. should I express the feelings I have been having with my current girlfriend or just continue on my life with her.
I know this sounds terrible but I really dont want anyone to get hurt. My current girlfriend is wonderful, but the memories of the good times of our marriage keep lingering in my mind and I would hate to live a life of "what If" We do have a thirteen y/o son involved also who seems indifferent about the situation. I was diagnosed with depression about 7 months ago and have been treated successfully for that and am currently doing well. (this went on undiagnosed for years) and was the root of our marriage problems which my wife will deny had anything to do with the breakup. She wont even read any liturature I had sent to her. Oh well, feel free to ask any questions I am really lost.

May 12, 2006
4:42 pm
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smarterone
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It looks to me that someone is going to get hurt. You are going to have to face that you obviously have feelings for your wife. Its always wise to save the marriage if it is worth it and if there are chldren. The girlfriend will be hurt if you dont let her know now what your motive is. I only hope that you dont break up with her, go back with ex only to find out, its not working with ex. But on that same note it is not fair tohang on to g/f because you dont want to be stuck in the end. You need to make a decision now. Good luck i know it wont be easy.

May 12, 2006
7:10 pm
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Matteo
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The way I see it, the way I understand love - you don't love anybody, because you are not emotionally well enough to love yourself. 15 years of marriage, probably many of them unhappy, and long depression don't fit into the picture of mentally well-balanced person who is in agreement with himself. Take time off your relationships and start working on your issues, try to figure out what you really want and need with no one in the picture. When you will be happy with yourself, then you can figure out about your relationship and with whom. Otherwise - somebody will get hurt, possibly everyone in this situation, especially in the long run. Good luck.

May 12, 2006
7:55 pm
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bonni
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Pugs,
Exception, you don't get to take time off from a relationship with your son (not that i think you would, just being clear about what's most important). having your father leave you when you are entering adolescence is emotionally devastating. You can absolutely love more than one person at a time, first yourself, then your children, then the mother of your children, then your significant other. The love for the mother of your children may evolve into a friendship or more, you don't know. In five years, your son will be an adult. the most important thing you have to do is work out an arrangement that you can live with that most supports your son. I'm not suggesting you move back in, but rather, would it even be possible to work on the friendship with both women and getting your son through the rest of his childhood? At a minimum, I think your relationship with the mother of your child is worth salvaging, maybe not as lovers or partners, but as friends. She probably isn't ready for you to move on. If you allow your current relationship to get serious, this may be hurtful to your ex, at least take it slow and be open with both of them about your conflicting feelings. If your soon-to-be ex can't handle it, at least try to work out an amicable arrangement out of respect for the person you created together. If the gf can't handle it, I'd cut her loose. Any person who would want me to put them above my child or stop having a relationship with his or her other parent can't be part of my life.

this is a tough spot and I know part of you just wants to move on, but your actions affect your child, no matter how well he hides it. he'll know if you're miserable and he'll resent the hell out of you if you carelessly make his mom miserable. he's the one holding her hand. that's your job, you have to support her as a friend and her co-parent.

my thoughts, take what resonates in your heart,
bonni

May 17, 2006
1:46 pm
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pugs01
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Thanks Bonnie, but even though the "resonation" would be to be with my wife, probably only because of past memories, the more I analyze this the more I think I'm living on the good memories where the soon to be ex is living on the bad., thanks.

Matteo, I know what I want out of myself and of life, I thik what I am currently doing is confusing the past good times with the ex and the current good times with my current s/o. we are like soul mates. Thanks for the input.

smarterone, thank you, I will let her know whats going on in my head and my heart, if its real between us then it will work out, My son has adapted well to the situation and me and the ex get along as far as he goes and we keep it as civil as possible around him, he is the first priority. thanks again.

May 17, 2006
2:12 pm
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gingerleigh
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I think that the "healthiest" thing to do is to let go of the new girlfriend until your divorce is final. What you're going through is hard. You don't just get over 15 years with someone in 8 months. The new relationship is *of course* going to feel good. It's a balm that soothes the wounds from 15 years of hurt. But if you don't let the wound breathe on its own, it's going to stay infected and won't heal completely.

It's also not fair to her. She's not getting a complete partner in you, because your heart is still wrapped up in a painful separation. Remember, there is no rush, right? If the relationship with the new lady is meant to be, it will happen in its own time.

May 17, 2006
3:02 pm
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taj64
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Hi. Welcome. I was in a relationship similar to where my ex BF claimed he was in love with both of us, his wife and me. He constantly compared the differences. His wife knew of me and of course I knew of her. My counselor told me that he would be better off by himself to figure out who he really wanted to be with. He stayed with her the whole time and the more time that went on, 3 years of this, the more unhealthy I became because I was not getting what I wanted and was on the sideline. I became highly codependent. In the end, he is with her and doing better, and I am miserable, alone and my self esteem went way down. Im still trying to pick up the pieces even after a long time. I think you are reliving some fantasy of the good part of the marriage but are quickly forgetting why it failed and why you are now struggling with two relationships at the same time. One of these women IS going to get hurt. And you are also hurting yourself. One had to end and one has to stay or both need to be let go. There is no good that will come from stringing everyone along. It takes long time to get over a marriage and maybe you have not allowed yourself to completely recover from it. My answer is to take time away from both, a few weeks or months and work on yourself and then see where you stand then. I just know for me it is very painful to have been involved with someone who claimed to love both of us. The right thing happened I believe, but I still hurt like crazy over it.

May 17, 2006
5:33 pm
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BelieveLove
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Pugs01

Please, be careful with the feelings of your girlfriend. She is going suffer a lot, if this situation goes on.

The only thing positive of my story with my ex was in the end when he told me the truth.

Here is an advice given by a psychologist Barbara de Angelis to a guy ...

You can find this on this site

http://www.barbaradeangelis.co....._BU_SO.asp

"3. HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?"

"I've known for a while that I need to break up with my girlfriend, but I keep putting it off for one reason--I feel so guilty about hurting her. She wants to stay in the relationship, and will be devastated when I leave. How can I break up with her so that I don't cause her emotional pain?"

YOU CAN’T. It’s that simple. That’s like asking “how can I go swimming without getting wet?’, or “how can I chop this onion without breaking the skin?” You can’t. And if you’re planning to wait until you feel you aren’t going to hurt your girlfriend, you might as well marry her now, because that day will never come. When you tell her you are leaving, it will hurt her. When you walk out the door, it will hurt her. But remember this: it will hurt her much more if you lead her on for another month, another year, or commit to her out of guilt, only to finally confess at some point, that “I always knew I should have broken up with you.” It will hurt her much more to stay in a relationship with a man who isn’t fully emotionally present, a man who can’t give her the complete commitment she deserves.

Let me say something that may shock you--you’re not staying to avoid hurting her. You’re staying to avoid feeling bad about yourself. You can’t stand the idea of being the “bad guy”, the “heart-breaker”; you can’t tolerate the thought of living with guilt. And so even though it appears that you are protecting her from pain, you are really protecting yourself.

Whenever I hear this kind of story, I know I am speaking to a bona fide rescuer, whose identity and self-esteem are tied in with making sure you are never the cause of pain to someone you love. You see, it is your girlfriend’s pain that both attracted you, and now, is trapping you. In the beginning, you were captivated by it, hoping that you would be able to heal her hurt and “save” her, thus proving to yourself that you are good enough. Now that you realize you cannot love her as she should be loved, it is again her pain that is torturing you by triggering your own pain (which has always been the real issue), for you cannot leave without feeling you are a failure.

Release your girlfriend now. Release her so she can find a man who will truly love and accept her as she is. Don’t wait another day. And then turn towards yourself, and search deep in your own heart for that wounded little boy that couldn’t make Mommy happy, or couldn’t save Daddy from despair, and do what you’ve been needing to do all along--rescue him..

May 17, 2006
6:05 pm
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loverbee
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You know, I believe that those memories you have are because you still do love your wife. But just because you love her, doesn't mean it can work between you two. You will probably always hold a special place for her in your heart but you are separated for a reason and those reasons haven't gone away. If even marriage counseling is out then you two need to move on. Ever heard the saying beer goggles? well, if the only time you can't remember why you left eachother was when you are drinking, my guess is that it is because drinking makes things seem rosier. So be careful about that. You really love you current gf though it seems so, just remember that.

May 19, 2006
1:16 pm
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pugs01
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Thanks loverbee, I think you hit the nail on the head.Marriage counseling is out. I do love my current gf very much and I think that Your right every time I call or text the ex its when drinking is involved and its very easy for the "good" memories to come rushing in then the cell phone gets picked up. its soo not fair to my current gf. I guess I know that it would never work between my ex and I. Just that after 15 years its a difficult memory to purge.

May 19, 2006
1:52 pm
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loverbee
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Of course it is difficult, you loved your ex very much and it is difficult to let that go. But that doesn't mean it can't happen, it just means that maybe you need to begin the grieving process for your lost relationship. I mean if you haven't grieved, you can't fully give your heart to your current gf and now that you realize what is really going on, you can begin that process.

May 20, 2006
7:39 am
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Tish
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The two loves I have to contend with are my boyfriends two sons.
He has chosen them over me. The 20 yr old was in jail for (4) months for gang involvement. The younger son who is 13 stoled my debit card and withdrew over $1200 to pay for his drug habit. His father reimbursed me for it but that was it. This kid never got punished for it. Instead his Grandmother buys him a dirt bike.This family is extremely dysfunctional. Then last Sunday evening my boyfriend was supposed to have come visit with his 20 yr old son and instead they spend 2 hrs trying to convince the 13 yr old to come along. I mean who is the parent here? When I told him that my daughter who was visiting at the time from Michigan was going to stay at a motel if he brought the 13 yr old he gets really upset at me and tells me he isn't coming over at all and he thinks it's best we break up.
We have been in this relationship for 3 yrs now. But I will be damned if I will contact him. I feel he owes me an apology. Every time he is upset with his kids he takes it out on me. Well, not anymore.
So you may feel you have to compete with the ex-wife. I feel I have to compete with my boyfriends sons.

May 21, 2006
12:46 pm
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pugs01
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I just dont know how much emotional involvement to put into either relationship. My ex is dating, and appears to have moved on (a little) but after knowing her for 17 years, she gets upset when she hears about my dating but and get mad when I talk about her dating, we had loved each other very much in the past, I just dont know if I should persure her at all. Are there any signs that would lead me in this direction???????

May 21, 2006
3:55 pm
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loverbee
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You shouldn't in my opinion. Of course she is pissed when she hears you are dating, that means you aren't hers anymore and it is strange to be dealing with that. But does that mean that you should get back together? I mean think about this, just cause she doesn't want anyone else to have you doesn't mean she wants you. Secretly, I think a lot of women are obsessed with the thought that they may be the only one who could ever make their men happy. Even after they break up with them, they don't want the man back, they just don't want the man to be able to live without her. Thats just what happens sometimes.

May 21, 2006
4:13 pm
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bonni
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i would never ever consider putting anyone ahead of my kids. i hope my kids aren't as difficult as Tish's boyfriend's. If I disciplined them for rudeness, it wouldn't be in public for some other adult to watch, even if it was an adult I was intimate with. I decide how my children will be raised, and I would never allow someone other than their father to have a vote. I don't leave them alone with other adults, with very few exceptions.

May 23, 2006
3:37 pm
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pugs01
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Ok, here is the latest addition, my ex(soon to be, i thought), Was in a car accident this sunday and totaled her car, was sent to the hospital, and called me to come see her, at that time she expressed that she has been doing alot of thinking and even though she couldnt promise anything she promised to try and wanted to see if we could work things out, do I trust her, give it a shot, forget her altogether. Here is the other twist, When I called my current gf just to tell her I wasnet comming out that night, instantly thought that we were getting back together without talking to me or anything, got an email from her and she hasn't spoke to me since. gues she mad the descision for me huh?

May 23, 2006
3:45 pm
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gingerleigh
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Pugs, your girlfriend isn't stupid, and she probably senses that you are holding back. If you haven't fully checked out of your marriage, then go explore that, and let your girlfriend go. If that relationship is meant to be, it will happen, once your divorce is final. Until you get to that point, you're really just stringing everyone along, including yourself.

May 23, 2006
3:49 pm
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BelieveLove
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Your ex is insecure with the situation and i´m sure she is feeling quite hurt (she is only human).

YOU should made the decision and not leting anyone doing this for you.

I hope your ex is better and i truly hope you made the best decision for everyone.

Lots of peace and ligth to your mind

May 23, 2006
4:33 pm
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taj64
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it looks to me like she is pushing away at this time and she probably senses your indecisiveness. It is not easy for her and she needs understanding. You cannot guess what she is feeling unless you know for certain. I know some women like to feel secure in a relationship, I do, and when I feel insecure I tend to withdraw from it. I would give her the space unless you are totally sure you are not making yourself so available to the ex wife. She is grown woman who can handle her battles, even car accidents unless she is too dependent on you. Either case, you got two women who need someone who can devote oneness.

May 23, 2006
5:28 pm
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nappy
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1 + 1 + 1 = 3 not one (1).
There are three people that are involve in this relationship. Not (1) but (3) will get hurt in this relationship.
It is funny that when people are in a relationship and don't want it anymore, they ask god to let them out of it but as soon as he gives them what they want, they turn around and want it back. It is also funny that we all have 100% of ourselves to try and give to someone that we want to give it to. But that other person is getting 80% but is still complaining about the 20% that they are not getting.
(EX-WIFE) She is your ex for a reason. You will always have love for her but not the in love that you once had for her. She knows that. She also knows that the in-love is what she will miss because you will give that to someone else. You probably can still be her friend but if you can't then you will have to let go. She going to be hurt.
(CURRENT GIRLFRIEND) she shouldn't be put in the middle like that. You shouldn't have gotten in volve with her because she was and still is looking for that in-love that she is searching for. You will hurt her and she shouldn't be hurt like that. She going to be hurt.
(PUGS01)- You have choices now and they sometimes are hard choices that we don't want to make but when it comes to other, we have to. We don't want to hurt them but we can't lead them on either. Just because your ex has someone else in her life, she is hurting also. Being in relationship with someone that we have shared our lives with is not that simple to just let go and not feel the pain. Those who say they can is telling you a LIE.
You might just have to let both go in order to get your life in order. You are going to hurt too.

(3- 2= 1) Take care of yourself first.
Have a bless day!

May 23, 2006
7:52 pm
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bonni
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Nappy,
I like your math, but you left one out,

(1+1+1)+1=4

there is a child in early adolescence who will also get hurt. Our actions impact our children.
bonni

Pugs,
I hope your ex is feeling better.
bonni

May 24, 2006
1:17 pm
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pugs01
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I have made my final descision right or wrong, I am going to tell current g f that I am going to put my whole heart and head into trying to put the marriage back together. Your right, no one needs to be hurt constantly, I am doing this wright or wrong. Its not fair to current gf. My son needs some stability and I have that to think of also. If things dont work out with ex than so be it, it was never meant to be. And at least I can give both of them piece of mind without the ping ponging that has been going on. If I am truly to be alone than so be that also. I would rather be hurt myself than to drag two people down with me through my own self gratificaion/selfishness.Maby in the end at least they will have peace.

May 24, 2006
1:42 pm
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taj64
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well you dont deserve to hurt either. It is not fair to anyone if you are doing just to please somebody. You son has stability whether it be with just you or together. But I bet anything he would want you to do what is right for you. Good luck and i hope it works out the second time around. I almost went down that avenue myself a few weeks ago. My ex wanted to get back together but Im not over the ex BF and I did think about the overall picture but as it got closer and more time I spent,I just didn't feel right with him anymore. I was doing it for wrong reason, for everyone. Now that a few weeks have gone by, I am more comfortable with the decision to go about it alone and not step into something that may or may not work. I just did not feel as strongly as he did. But as I say, every relationship is different and you ahve to go with what your mind and also heart says. The two go together. Im peaceful about my decision, and my kids know this and they are understanding of it. I give them a lot credit. We're a good team. I hope your ex girlfriend will heal too. It will all work out in the long run. take care TAJ

May 24, 2006
4:54 pm
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BelieveLove
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My prayers are with you ...

Your decision touchs my heart very much because i lived a similar situation (i was in the place of your girlfriend and i was SO deeply hurt with all the story you cant imagine). My ex was making this ping pong game; and in the end who got hurt was me (i found out all the story in the end and this really hurts).

From that day, i pray a lot for him to be happy with his woman.

I hope someday, i find peace to my heart too.

Everyone deserves to be happy - you, your exwife, your girlfriend and your son.

I truly hope you begin a new story with your ex wife.

God bless you all

May 24, 2006
4:57 pm
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gingerleigh
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Pugs, this is a huge thing that you should be proud of yourself for. Making a decision can be one of the hardest challenges we face. I wish you the best as you work on your newly selected path.

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