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Two little questions
June 19, 2006
6:36 am
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alycia
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Hello everyone,

My first is.... Do you think no contact is harder than contact.... My ex is leaving myself and my baby alone for a long time cause i am no better and he misses us too.... This hurts more than when we were in touch, it seems to hurt more and its only been a week......

Also what happened to the no contact thread, i need it to keep me going i think.

I can do no contact easily but it would be nice to see others going thru it too, not nice to see it but be there for each other if that makes sense............til tommorow

June 19, 2006
6:46 am
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sleepless in uk
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Hi Alycia...I dont know if no contact is easier or even possible if you have a child together. I guess it depends on the reasons for the split

the no contact thread is still around...i posted a week or so ago. I will find it and bump it up for you

June 19, 2006
12:13 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Alycia,

You can always start a new "no contact" thread any time you want.

I'm certain there are others here that would join in if they saw it.

Good luck,
Lolli

June 19, 2006
12:43 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I agree w/ Lolli about starting a new thread. Once a thread is so long alot won't take the time.

But, if you want to see the old thread then put the name of it in search or click on 1 month in the options at the top of the threads. I'm sure I saw it w/n the last month

June 19, 2006
8:28 pm
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4me
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No contact is definitely harder than contact...at least early on. Eventually, though, I think it gets better...I HOPE!!!

June 19, 2006
8:39 pm
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Jenni
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NC is harder at first, then it becomes easier, easier than CONTACT!

The reason, as I see it, is that contact seems easier right now, because it is like the drug to the addiction. When there is a "fix", (contact), we feel better, but only temporarily. Then that nagging feeling of restlessness and anxiety comes back, until there is another "fix". And it goes on and on.

With no contact, it hurts in the beginning, but it eventually makes its way out of our system, to where we feel ok, whether we have the "fix" or not. It's actually "pain with a purpose", and it has a destiny, and an ending.

I'd choose NC, because it's a pain that won't last forever, as to contact with the eternal need for another "fix".

Eventually, you might reach the point when you can have contact, again, and it won't have the same effect that it use to have. You'll be ok, with or without it.

Anyway, that's just my take. Everyone is differnt in how they look at it.

Take care,

Jen

June 19, 2006
8:45 pm
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I did no contact for a while and I felt much better. However I made contact too soon and now I am paying for. I found out information that got me very down and I feel like I am starting all over again. For me NC is hard to maintain and can be painful but it doesn't compare to the pain related with contact.

June 19, 2006
8:48 pm
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Jenni
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Exactly, Hopefull32. It's best if we include along with the NC, of "No information", as well. The less we know, the better.

June 19, 2006
9:16 pm
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Jenni you are right. I have told people around me not to tell me any news about her. But when I spoke to her directly all bets were off.

June 19, 2006
9:24 pm
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Jenni
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Yeah, I know how that is. Especially once we've gotten so far with our NC, to suddenly have it all pulled out from underneath us, to have to start over, again. That really bites!

I would say to try to avoid that direct contact, until you are in a stronger place. And sometimes, we feel like we are in that place, only to be put to the test, and find out that we really are not, just yet.

This phase really does suck, but with lots of practice, it gets better! 😉

Jen

June 19, 2006
9:59 pm
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You are this phase SUCKS AND BITES. The thought of my ex with her new man drives me insane. But I have no choice but to get over it. I would have to be a complete idiot to talk to her again.

June 19, 2006
10:13 pm
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Jenni
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hopefull32, You're not an idiot, just human. NC takes time and practice, along with patience. Don't beat yourself up with this. Just start over, and learn from this little slip. Next time you feel the need to speak with her, just remind yourself of the possible outcome, and how you're feeling right now.

We live and learn, and without the mistakes or slips, how could we get the true, full effect of our lesson? So in a sense, we sort of NEED our mistakes to learn! Try to look at it like that. It then gives us a goal for improvement, in our new mission!

June 20, 2006
6:26 am
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alycia
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Thanks everyone, i found the thread and hope i can stay strong with it to help me out....

Thanks for answering my questions, i do agree that no contact is harder but that is the one that eventually heals us and does so quicker .....

June 20, 2006
7:22 am
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matthew65
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I don't know if this lil story of mine goes along with this thread or not, but I was in a NC period for 10 years with a guy who totally left my me when I was pregnant with our daughter. We were not married at the time and found out after I became pregnant with his baby that he didn't love me and had another girl friend. He tried everything under the sun to persuade me to have an abortion and then to give the baby up for adoption. I stuck to my guns and had her on my own. The amount of emotional abuse he put on me was incredible and I kept letting him to do this to me because I was down and vulernable. However, I must have had some strength in me because I didn't go through with his wishes. Anyway, after I had my beautiful daughter, he just disappeared! Never heard from him again. The NC period at first was very difficult because I felt alone. Throughout the years, I became stronger and did very well in raising her. She grew up to be a wonderful, loving and intelligent girl. 10 years later, he called me out of the blue. I just got married 6 months before he called me. Ironic? He wanted to be a part of my daughter's life. All of the mean words and actual abandonment of my daughter and myself made me hurt all over again. It has been two years now since that phone call and I am, along with my daughter, in counseling. He is trying to control our lives. She doesn't want anything to do with him. He keeps calling, writing letters, etc. Everyday, I am reminded of the past when I see the hurt and pain my daughter is going through. Any explanation to why a NC period of 10 years can still not help? I thought I dealt with my past emotionally, but must have repressed somethings to be strong for my daughters and myself. Thank you for letting me tell my story. ~Wen

June 20, 2006
7:41 am
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matthew65
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Wanted to add this too! After he came back into my life and for the first time into my daughter's, I found out he was married to that other girl he was seeing at the time he got me pregnant and they had a 4 year-old daughter!

June 20, 2006
8:05 am
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revelation
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Alycia, hello my dear. NO CONTACT WORKS. Its REALLY hard at the start, but I swear it gets easier, and soon it gets to a point where you don't even think about it, you just DON'T contact, because you don't need to and you don't want to.

I will say though, that no contact only works if you have other stuff to fill your time. Do ANYTHING rather than contact, and soon you find that life is full again, joy comes back into your life and your self-esteem goes up and up. I got involved in voluntary organisations (This has changed my life). Now I'm about to go back to college to study psychotherapy, all as a result of my voluntary work. I concentrated on eating healthy and keeping fit, I re-joined my old soccer club, I got to know acquaintances and they have now become friends...life CAN be better, if you believe that in your heart (And if you don't keep repeating it to yourself until you DO believe it). Also, read, read, read, I read "The Rules" I read books on self-esteem, I read lots and lots. It broadened my horizons and led me to a whole new way of thinking about myself. Alycia, you can do this!!! Most of all though, the BIGGEST help that I had, was this board...it all starts here!

June 20, 2006
8:58 am
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startingover
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Hi Alycia

No contact is really hard, it's heartbreaking, really when all you can do is think about him, wonder what he's doing, and so on. I think it's a necessity, though, in order to move on. Some of these manipulative types we (at least I) have managed to be deceived by can sense our weaknesses and prey on them. Give them an inch, they take a mile.

I desperately wanted to remain friends with my ex, in fact I often said during our nearly three year relationship that I would always like to wish him well, and be a part of his life in some way, bcause he meant a lot to me, and we had gone through a tragedy together (the death of his son).

After he lied, deceived, and cheated, (oh, and used crack and heroin), he then dumped me in a very immature phone call way, but kept calling me, every day. He would talk such sweet talk, he "thought about me every day" and claimed he "had told her that I would always come first". Oh, yeah, I believe that. What's the point? Either he can't make up his mind, or he's playing a sick game, but I was losing my mind and my health, so I put an end to it. No, not him, the contact (sick humor of my own, sorry). I changed my phone number, diconnected his phone (on my bill, of course), wrote him an e-mail saying very briefly the things I wanted returned, signed it "Bye", and meant it.

Now, if I drive by his house, I see his 18 year-old GF's car in the drive all weekend long. Or I can sign on to his Myspace (yes, you read right- don't all 44 year-old men have a Myspace?!), and see pix of his teenaged GF in lingerie, or a gypsy costume. Or look at his correspondence with younger girls who write on Little Kitty backgrounds. Oh, he's a prize. Wasn't always this sick, when his son died, he got really bad, and I wore myself out and lost a lot of myself and some things, too, but I tried everything. It didn't mean a thing to him, so why do all this craziness with contact? Why not just say "I'm happy for you", and exchange Christmas cards once a year?

I had to stop. Not all are as mean or manipulative, or crazy as mine, but I think I was dying inside every time the phone rang. I think his sick humor liked to hear me cry and beg to remain "friends". Once I initiated NC, my life started getting better. I feel better, still sad a lot, but I'm going to be allright.

How do you do NC when you have such a young child together? well, that's going to be tough, I guess the key is to be sure you are always treated with the respect that you deserve as the mother of this child. Keep your communication to a minimum, and child-focused. Maybe you can have a civil, mature relationship one day. It's hard for most, but you're destined to have moments together in the future - forever - so you can't exactly do it my way. I would just encourage you to keep posting here, you are not alone. I remember how heartbroken you were, do you feel better? Concentrate on taking care of you and your beautiful daughter.

Wishing you well.

SO

June 21, 2006
11:25 am
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Best I can
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The MYSPACE thing.... ugh.... a good torture device. Doesn't everyone find out who's cheating on MYSPACE?
I can't even hear the name of it without getting very sick inside. Or crying or something... Like being kidney punched...
m.

June 21, 2006
11:53 am
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Best I Can, Im sorry for your pain, it is awful and I can feel it with the short amount of words you wrote.

Alycia, I am familiar with your story. Since you do have a child together, the no contact isn't going to work. For you it is beneficial to try to heal from the horrible feelings you have for the ex and try to forgive and move on from the feelings, rather than the actual physical aspect of no contact. Since he is the father there are going to be times, when you will have interact even if it is very hard. No you don't have to fake being happy around him but for the sake of your child, it would be good just to be polite and now allow negative energy around your daughter. In time, you will heal from his cheating ways. Have you tried to get out there and date yet?It might be too soon but even having friends will distract you from ahving to think about his cheating. Personally I feel if you can overcome your feelings of hurt first and keep that a priority, you will start to go into a different direction in your life. It is hard process I understand and time is your best friend right now. Think about the positive side to this. You are allowing yourself to open up another door, one away from a bad boyfriend.

June 21, 2006
12:23 pm
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atalose
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Jenni's words are so profound, thank you. the "fix" is so true with addicts. And we become there fix. The "pain with a purpose" is a great way to view self hurt. I had always heard the expression "You can't morn the death if you are still dancing with the corps". We want to bury the bad parts of the relationships not continue them. Getting a fresh start takes letting go of the past. I have not had any contact with my ex-fiance since April when after 9 years, went on a drug binge. I had been with him for 6 years. Because he was so out of it on drugs, he was not getting his way of having me come back to him, he began leaving me threatening messages. I know it was the drugs but couldn't and wouldn't take that chance and got a restraining order. He can't contact me now and that's what he most wants to do. He went into an impatient 28 day program, is working with a counselor and a 12 step program and desperatly wants to talk to me and work things out. I need for him to be clean for a long period of time, it's only been maybe 7 weeks. Have any of you gone back after a NC and if so, in what time frame? was it months? weeks? I am working with a therapist and with that help I think I will know if and when I am ready. It was so hard not feeling sadness for him and wanting to support his recovery. But that is up to him and so is his future.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 21, 2006
10:09 pm
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Jenni
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atalose, I went thru a similar situation with my XH. He was a drinker and a user, which most of us know, that cheating is usually a part of that scene.

I never got a restraining order, although, I probably could have pretty easily, with the way he was behaving. And everytime he got help, I DID involve myself with his recovery. Only to be let down, yet again.

The only way he finally became clean, was when he hit his lowest point in life. He got busted for manufacturing meth, and went to prison for five years. He's been out for almost 2 years, and has been clean for over 6.

But I truly believe that he HAD to go thru that, in order to recover, and become a productive citizen of society.

As far as how long to wait, before reconciling, I don't have the answer to that, beings that after so much time had gone by, I no longer wanted him back. We are friends, now. And he has many regrets for the past. But I only wish for friendship. Mostly for the sake of our kids, who just recently has reached adulthood.

Anyway, I wish you well, and I suggest Al-Anon to you, because WE need a recovery plan or a 12 step, as much as the addict does. This will help with your walk, which ever turn it takes. (((HUGS)))

Take Care...

Jen

June 21, 2006
10:30 pm
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stillhope
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to hopeful32: how is NC could be better than a contact? Of course it depends what kind and with whom.
However if I know myself, and if I know I only can change myself and nobody else, then I can have a contact with anyone at any time, and still be myself and it will not hurt...
Because I remember: I am in charge of me, and nobody else...

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