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twinsforlife
November 1, 2006
7:46 pm
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ggfred4
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I don't know how you can ever think you have hurt me...You have loved me so much, more than any friend or sister in this real stinking world..You have gotten me to say hug and love and feel comfortable with the mushy stuff...I wasn't like that b4 we all came together...You have stayed with me during that dark night...How many times have you said you loved me? Mich, how could you think you hurt me? I don't understand..You have just helped me in more ways than anyone has ever helped me...

help me here, someone, shaking too

November 1, 2006
7:47 pm
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ggfred4
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sisters, please, help!

November 1, 2006
7:47 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am NOT going to kill myself GG, I promise you that. I am just losing my f*cking mind that is all. I made myself vulnerable today in a number of ways and I am sorry that I did, and I wish it didn't hurt as bad as it does.

November 1, 2006
7:51 pm
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ggfred4
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mich, please, talk to me,,,do you want a break...calm down and come back later...I can't leave you like this...please answer, please I need you too

November 1, 2006
7:52 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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What is the deal? Eeryone begged me stay and now everyone is gone...GG, I will be back in one hour to talk to you about this. I can get my kids in bed, get myself some dinner, and take my xanax. Probably two at this point.

November 1, 2006
7:54 pm
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cyndra820
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Mich,
Making yourself vulnerable when you are codep is very difficult. You are feeling naked in a frigid wind. Trust us. Trust yourself. All very scary thoughts, I know, but try.

We love you. You haven't hurt anyone. I couldn't read everything you posted because of where I'm at emotionally, but I will read it. I won't love you any less, I know I'll love you more. I couldn't love you less.

You will not lose any of us as your sisters. We are cyber sisters and we will carry this love and affection with us long after we leave here. No matter what happens in life the bond we have here will always be with us.

Mich, I didn't mean to imply I was trying to tell you how to feel. I just don't want you to be hard on yourself. Don't think because you told me not to tell you how to feel I'm going to stop loving you. I love you very much. I am not going to stop loving me because you yelled at me. Got that? I don't scare easy!!!

I love you, Mandy. Do you understand me? Don't make me break out the Barry Manilow CD!! I have it you know!!

Loving all of you,
Cyn

November 1, 2006
7:54 pm
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ggfred4
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MICH, I WILL BE BACK AT 8:00 BE HERE!!!

November 1, 2006
7:56 pm
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lovinglife
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I'm typing!! Haven't you girls gotten to know that yet about me : )

and I would never just leave and not say goodbye.

November 1, 2006
7:57 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I will hang on for a few minutes LL..

November 1, 2006
8:04 pm
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lovinglife
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I can only speak for myself...Mandy you have not hurt me whatsoever and am very thankful that whatever prompted you to be concerned for me- that you brought it up. I have never had anyone to that before to me- just now thinking about it- it's really blowing me away.

One of the things about having gone through hell and back in our personal lives is that we pick up on others hurts/pains. Is it a gift? Or is it a curse? I don't know- have believed both ways myself. Mandy I have felt/sensed others pain -someone once told me that it's only because of my codependency that I do this. Whatever it is-it’s real. I have so much to say on this...I start typing then wipe it out...

I don't want to leave you hanging here...have many thoughts going through my mind...

November 1, 2006
8:07 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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LL,

I know that you need to get ready for work or sleep for a while first or whatever. I am sorry that I have kept you around. I will talk to you later, go do what you have to do. I expect to see GG back here in an hour. I will talk then, in the meantime, I need a drink, some xanax, my kids in bed, some foor, and mostly I NEED A CIGARETTE

I love you. There is a LOT I want to say to you and the others but I need a break. I owe Cyn an apology, and I need to make sure that GG is clear that suicide isn't going to happen tonight.

LOVE YOU ALL

November 1, 2006
8:09 pm
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lovinglife
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just know- Mandy you have this gift of whatever - don't know if you realized it before GG...but its there and part of that is the crazies that go along with it...

Perhaps your shaking you head wondering what the heck is LL talking about?!

November 1, 2006
8:16 pm
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cyndra820
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LL,
I know what you're talking about. I think codep people have an infinite capacity for empathy. I think that's why you and Mandy can pick up on the emotions of other people even here in cyberspace. Get ready for work. Love you.

Mich,
Honey, you don't owe me an apology!! I wasn't offended or hurt. I was concerned that I had offended you. When you really offend or hurt me I promise to let you know as only middle children can do!!! I love you!!!

GG,
You and your twin are so freaking adorable!! I love you too.

Don't worry, it will all work itself out.

November 1, 2006
8:20 pm
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lovinglife
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ok...I will check in later...

Have to share this... just found out that my oldest son is seriously thinking about buying another investment property on my block for the middle son and his someday wife...(co-sign the loan)...if that happens I will have two of my adult sons with their wives living within...right now one just hopping over the fence and the other possibly someday walking across the street- is this nuts or what??

Now what I am thinking is that my house can go to the youngest and I'm out of dodge!! Want to live in a small studio apartment... all by myself...oh to dream.

November 1, 2006
9:02 pm
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ggfred4
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mich, I am here

November 1, 2006
9:09 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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GG, I just need about 10 minutes to feed my baby and I will be right back...PROMISE....Love you

November 1, 2006
9:10 pm
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ggfred4
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okay

November 1, 2006
9:23 pm
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ggfred4
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mich, gonna type while waiting,,,what did you think of the thread title??? You know I am old enough to be your mother probably...yet, we think so much alike that it is scary...

I needed that hour break, took a warm bath, and laid on the couch and slept for 15 minutes, then phone rang and it was 8:oo, and was so glad it did...

you know we have both done this before, panic, questioning, etc..., let's figure this out okay??? I am here for you mich...

November 1, 2006
9:32 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Gg,

I am back. I am so sorry to ALL of you tonight. I didn't handle that well at all. I am not trying to be a pain in the ass for anyone. I am just worried about all of my sisters.

November 1, 2006
9:33 pm
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ggfred4
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don't apologize, please...we all need to be able to feel our feelings on this site...we can't in our real lives right??? Now talk to me sweetie

November 1, 2006
9:39 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I just know when something isn't right. LL calls it a gift, I call it something else. It makes me sad. I have grown to care about all of you and love you all so much that it genuinely hurts me when you hurt. I can't help that. And I am horribly sorry for the way I treated Cyn. I hope she can forgive me. She said not to apologize, but that sent me into a frickin tyrade. Totally uncalled for. I didn't want that. I couldn't calm down though at all. I just feel horrible.

November 1, 2006
9:45 pm
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ggfred4
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let's think about this mich...make sure now we are talking about the same thing...remember when you were worried about the issue with LL...I wasn't sure which worry and was digging too deep (tend to do that) but when you brought up the sexual thing, yes, I had the same worry, but I was too scared to ask her...I was so glad that you did it, you were the brave twin...I am learning a lot in the last month about codependency since I finally admitted it about 2-3 weeks ago...I wouldn't ask her, because I can't stand if anyone gets mad at me...You and I are like that mich, we are a lot a like...

We both hurt so much for others and I too, don't think of it as a gift...People at work think I am so caring...I just know that I carry the pain of others...Remember the Amish girls...I carried that pain deeply for about a week...Every little girl that gets adbucted, r****d, etc. (can't say the word yet), I feel their pain deeply for a long time...I think you are like this too...I just don't know why...

Then when we reach out, we worry about the response, question our intentions, etc.

sending this, but still typing

November 1, 2006
9:49 pm
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ggfred4
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Now this is about me and you can tell me if this is about you too, I am not sure...I need so much reassurance from others, but just a few people, don't like a lot of attention, more the small group type...I am really finding out since I have been on this site that I fear abandonment...I can't handle it sometime if no one is on, especially the weekends...

Anyway, what do you think triggered tonight? Trying to help here...

November 1, 2006
9:51 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I do question every thing i say. I say it all with the best of intentions. I believe in the power of getting it out...I really do. But after I pushed you, or whatevr you all want to call it, I felt bad. But my intentions were right and i know they were. I am still confused as to whether the sexual thing is an issue or not. It was NEVER directly answered. I just want to be helpful, and I think I am hurting people in the process.

November 1, 2006
9:53 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Honestly, I wasn't horrible until I felt like I was told how I could and couldn't feel. That makes sense to me, because at 30 years old I have never been allowed to feel how I do. Everyone is always telling me how to feel, what to feel, and when to feel it, and I can't take it.

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