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TURMOIL
March 25, 2000
4:13 am
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LPC
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September 29, 2010
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March 25, 2000
4:33 am
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LPC
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MY LIFE IS IN TOTAL TURMOIL; MY HEAD JUST KEEPS GOING ON AND ON UNTIL I WANT TO PULL IT OFF. I AM 48 GOING THRU MENOPAUSE AND PROBLEMS WITH MY RELATIONSHIP. I DO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY AND AT THE SAME TIME A I FEEL LIKE "POOR ME" I HAVE BEEN LIVING AND WORKING WITH THIS MAN FOR 2 1/2 YEARS. WHEN WE STARTED LIVING TOGETHER HE WAS SEPARATED FROM HIS WIFE. WE LIVE IN ANOTHER CITY. IN THESE LAST YEARS HE HAS MADE NO ATTEMPT TO GET A DIVORCE EVENTHOUGH HE PROMISED TO DO IT WITHIN ONE YEAR.HE STARTS SOME NEGOTATIONS THAT NEVER GET TO FRUICTION. SHE HAS LUPUS AND HASN'T WORK FOR THE LAST 25 YEARS THEREFORE,SHE IS TOTALLY DEPENDENT ON HIM. THEY ALSO HAVE A DAUGHTER THAT CAME TO LIVE WITH US LAST WINTER BECAUSE SHE WAS HAVING TERRIBLE TIMES WITH HER MOM. AFTER 3 MONTHS SHE DID GO BACK AND BOTH OF THEM HAVE A TOTAL SET OF RULES WHEN IT COMES TO ME. NO,SHE WILL NOT GO OUT WITH ME, NO,SHE WON;T COME TO FAMILY SITUATIONS IF I AM THERE, NO, HE CANNOT MENTIONED ME OR MY NAME OR WHAT WE ARE DOING WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER FOR EX IF SHE CALLS AND WE ARE OUT TO DINER THIS WOULD BE THE CONVERSATION : HI SWEETIE,OH YEAH I AM EATING DINNER BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.SHE WILL NOT COME TO VISIT HER DAD. EVERY OTHER WEEKEND WE'LL GO DOWN BECAUSE MY SON IS IN THE UNIVERSITY IN THE SAME CITY THEY LIVE (I USED TO LIVE THERE)AND HE'LL SPEND ALL DAY AND HALF THE NIGHT WITH HIS DAUGHTER SOMETIMES UNTIL 3 IN THE MORNING AND I WOULD ASSUME PART OF IT HE SPENTS A THE HOUSE, IN THE MEANTIME HE TOTALLY SUPPORTS THEM WITH THE OUTMOST LUXURY WHILE WE LIVE IN A VERY SMALL APT. AND I TOTALLY SUPPORT MYSELF AND MY 21 YEAR OLD SON. BECAUSE OF HIS LACK OF SETTING SOME BOUNDARIES OR MAYBE AFFORDING ME SOME RESPECT MY FEELINGS FOR HIM ARE HANGING ON A THREAD HOWEVER I DON'T FEEL STRONG ENOUGH TO LIVE

March 25, 2000
9:46 am
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janes
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September 24, 2010
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You don't feel strong enough to live without him?...is that what you were going to say. (I hope)

Unless you are ready to go through starting an apt. of your own so you cansupport yourself in the utmost luxury...and your son (who is hopefully helping with his own support with a part time job at least) You may have to just put up with the relationship issues unless you want to change....yourself and then hopefully your "friend" would change too. (But he probly won't want to change because you have made it to comfortable for him...which in and of itself is really only a problem for you.)

Chooose one thing and deal with it. Menopause can be a real issue for women our age. Few, if any, doctors really know anything about it and the multitude of ways it affects each and every individual woman. Study it!!! Find your way through the maze of menopause. Taking charge in only one area of your life can help in others.

Some excellent resources to check out are: Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom by Dr. Christiane Northrup...she shares wonderful factual information for your "self" as well as your physical health.
Find a book by a Dr. John Lee...he speaks to the issue of Progesterone loss in women..and feels it a myth that we are all estrogen deficient. Also Gail Sheehy..who wrote my mother my self and Passages...has done a good book on menopause.

Important: cut back on caffeine and red meat immediately. Eat more soy products as they have tons of phytoestrogens. There are some herbal compounds which supposedly have helped many women get through the "change"...like black cohash, st Johns wort, etc.

Asian women DO NOT exibit the symptoms of menopause the Europeans and American women do....why...theory is that they eat much less meat, (esp red), more "oriental" vegies, and the MIND SET regarding this aspect of women's lives is not the same.

As to your relationship...I feel that he will not change. It is POSSIBLE but if it has taken this long you and your son may be better off without him. I can appreciate the fact that he is supportive of his "ex family" but he obviously is not INTO making a new one.
At least not the way you want him too.
Be strong in your self.

March 25, 2000
11:50 am
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LPC
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Thanks Janes: you are right. I don't feel strong enough for both reasons. The idea of being without him and the fact that I would have to look for another job. I didn't say it before that I do own a small condo in the other city where my son lives while he finishes school, which will be this May 12. After that, he is moving to Cal where we already rented an apt. and the first month or so I was going to help him. How do I help him if I don't have a job? because in essence If I leave I definately loose my job. I have no savings. I feel desolate and without being able to ask for help to anyone. My son's father is an absolute zero. He has a good business, drives a $100,000 mercedes, has a big house and in the last 3 years has not help out at all. I know that I sound like "poor me" however, I don't know where to turn. Sometimes I get so tired that I would like to go to sleep for a long time and wake up when I am going to be someone'sprecious things when I wasabout 14 or so I came from far away to this country and starting at that moment I had to do everything for my parents, like translating,paying the bills,taking care of my three siblings,etc. and the only thing I wanted to do was get away. I was raised in a Catholic school and had the strictest of father. He never allowed me what I wanted only what I needed to do for them. I consider my teenage years miserable ( that's why I have try so hard with my son) I wanted to go away to college, well it never happened because I was a chicken to stand up to my father. In the meantime my siblings little by little they all went away to live their lives while I stayed to still handle everything for them> I got married just to escape such a stifling situation to a man that already had a 6 year old. HELLO; more responsibility. I worked in very good jobs and he also took control of my finances> What's wrong with me? I know, part of me has very low self esteem I have gone to therapy, I have read all the self help books. People consider me very attractive,however,I always find something to dislike myself. I have battled with beginning of bulimia and anorexia. I have anxiety and panic attacks that have subsided in the last years. My doctor says I get those because of my mitralvalve is prolapsed. I am taking hormones that I just started about 2 months ago after I had a very intense physical. They didn't seem to help very much. I just know that I feel so lost. I have approached all of these issues with my companion this week (I guess in a very angry resentfull mood so he gets very defensive and angry too so we get nowhere but just more distant. When I started with him he used to be a lot more sensitive and spiritual; now he just doesn't see what I want because he says that he is with me and that should be enough.Pleas talk to me again

March 25, 2000
1:36 pm
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janes
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You did a very good job detaioling all the things that are wrong. NOW what is right? You are physically attractive. That always helps. Is this job the only one you have ever had in your life? Were you looking for a job when you found this one? I bet you were.

Your son's father and your companion ...neither are doing anything for you...so do womething for yourself. Launch your self as you watched your siblings being launched. You obviously are very capable of taking care of others...now it is your turn. And if you do it right...you can "help" your son as well. It is up to you.

If the "men" (term used loosely) in your life are no help to you...dump them. You have taken unoough care of them!!!!!! If your son is living in your condo...get the want ads....get a job there and move. There will ALWAYS be positions available in a university town. Maybe menial..maybe not. This could be the beginning of your life if you let it be.

Reread all those self help books, pack your things and get on with it.
Plus. in a university town there will be counselors galore...and a chance to take those classes you were never allowed to before. Yes, you want to help your son...but to much help will cripple him. And if can't see what YOU need for YOU...you are allowing him to become the other two men in your life and he will treat his future wife the same...

YOU HAVE OPTIONS. How lucky you are that you have that condo...a place of your own. Maybe you have no money..but look what money has done for the men in your life...made them uncaring.. unfeeling people...except for themselves. It's okay to feel "poor me" for a minute. then it is time to be grown up and go on. Don't let them fool you into repeating your childhood yet again.
You do need to see someone to talk of the issues in your past. But congratulate your self for being "good" maybe to good. But you did the "right" thing for your parents, your sibs, your son,. Now it is time to do right for YOU. You deserve it you earned it. Don't let any one tell you differently.
You yourself said ...I have had good paying jobs. So...there are more out there. Go and get one and start treating yourself like the good no great person you are. NOW is the time.

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

If you make excuses for them they will allow you to stay trapped just where you are. C'mon.

Some will say stay where you are and make it work... why? what has he done for you so far? Allowed you to do his laundry? GO. Reach for the stars!!!! Reach for your dreams!!!!!!

March 26, 2000
12:36 am
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lost soul
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janes, thanks!

although these words are not meant for me, but there are very useful for me.

LPC - Be strong, and hope that everything will turn out fine for you.

Regards!

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