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((Tumbleweed)) Our Thread...Depression
September 11, 2006
2:27 pm
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mumubaby89
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=(
you are what you are and nobody can change it but yourself.

People dress different, talk different .... so what!!! everyody can do what they please... i have got to the point whee i am going to be honest and i dont care what people think of me or about me.
I am who i am and welll that is moi.

Also everybody always fusses about boyfriends or crushes... i am in love but its compex. I hate them but i love them deep down and nobody can take that or the mememories we once had together...and have. I love him and he knows who he is =D

I feel depressed when it comes to being seriuos... i keep thinking of what i am going to say to the counceller after the 6weeks hols...im really nervous...and i know i have to open up or things will be on my mind all the time...and no1 can help if they dont know what is ahppening.I feel i dunno some sort of guilt for going and telling her stuff about things in my life... i dunno if i cna go next week even tho i must...to get help adivce and my life in gear. This year has been the hardest if not like hell. I dunno i feel wierd going to the counceller...is this strange??

First day back at college ...and yeah it was Ok...bit wierd but i did like meeting new people and stuff. I only had one class...i suppose i nejoy going back as i have time away from fmaily etc etc.

Just wanted to write this and get it out of my system.

mumubaby89

September 11, 2006
2:53 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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Hi MumuB, Glad you posted. Better to get it all out than holding things in. It takes years sometimes to learn to let go of things and people. I know it has taken me a long time, but it gets easier for me all the time now. But, I've had many experiences behind me and saw how dwelling on things I couldn't have messed me up, zapped my energy so I couldn't get things done etc. Now, I just keep myself busy and am determined not to go backward anymore. That would hurt too much so I still just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. But I know that is easier said than done sometimes. You are right we are who we are and if others can't accept that, then all one can do is move on. I'm glad your first day back went okay though, meeting new people and all. I hope you can set up your counseling appt. soon. Hugs.

September 11, 2006
2:59 pm
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mj
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I just read Mumubabys other thread where she is crying out for help. I hear you and want you to know that you can get through this. TW is a very Special Lady. I have read your posts and felt like you were very lucky to have her in your Corner for support. She genuinely cares as I do.
Some days are harder than others MB. Today you just need to take it minute to minute and not focus on everything at once. Try to look for whats right in your world. Sometimes when I am feeling overwhelmed I start a gratitude list of the Alphabet. If I write down A= Attitude B= Behavior C=Compassion D= Diligence.... or A is for my ability to to share love...
Whatever works for you to find hope is whats important.

September 12, 2006
4:01 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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Ty again, Mj. MumuB, Just checking in to see how today went for you, okay. I know you may not be on the computer at this time, but thought I'd check. Hugs.

September 12, 2006
10:05 pm
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I also want you to know that we are here for you! Hope today was better for you. Keep hanging in there and let us know how we can be helpful.

September 13, 2006
11:23 am
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Tumbleweed8
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MumuB, Hope you have time to check in with us and I hope you were able to get the new job which sounded better for you. Love and Hugs.

September 14, 2006
11:50 am
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Feeling...like this:

Lectiured to by my family
Over-controlled
Over-ruled
Powerless
Pressured
Restricted
Trapped-parents
Bossed around
Controlled
Imprisoned - by my parents
Alone, Ignored, Insignificant
Invisible Lonely
Misunderstood
Unheard
Unimportant
Unwanted
I find myself getting upset and irritated too often, especially to a point when it begins to interfere with my enjoyment of life, it might be helpful to talk things over with a mental health professional...but i am not sure if i want to go to one *shrugs*..its all abit wary fro me.

i am in a state where i am withdrawn and sad. For instance, I tend to get more upset, be more sensitive to other people's remarks and be bothered by things that may not bother others.
WHATS HAPPENING....????

does anybody have email?? as i access that more often..just woundering as it would be life easier with contacting daily etc...as i cnt access this from college only from grandads

mumubaby x

September 14, 2006
12:09 pm
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mumubaby89
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and also i didnt go to the interview...as someone stole my bad in town ...that contained all my interview gear etc etc So i cud not go to the interview in my college gear. =(
The weather is not helping..its been horrible and thundering and lightning badly for where i am from.

mumubaby89

September 14, 2006
12:23 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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MumuB, I'm sorry things are not going well for you. I really hoped you could get the other job which would have made things easier on you, I think the way it sounded. Is there no way you can try again? I know you probably need counseling, much more than I can offer you on here. We are not allowed to give out any of our personal info on here. I wish always that you can see that other's people's stuff is just that, their issues or whatever. People act out of their own stress when they don't know what to do or what to say. Everyone gets frustrated at times, but it is helpful when we can learn to let their issues be theirs and not take them on ourselves. I know that feeling depressed really takes a toll on a person and makes it so hard to pull oneself up again. But since you are still very young and have so much ahead of you, I really feel it is important for you to get the help you need so that you can keep moving forward. You are worth it, you are deserving. You must believe in yourself especially when it seems that no one else is there. I'm sure they probably just don't know what to say or do. I really want to see you make it. I have a grandson who does not seem to be making it very well and of course me being his granny would never be able to help him as he wouldn't want to hear anything from me. It is sad for me and all I can do is wish him the best in life, a life which has already been severely hurt. It hurts to see all this knowing there is nothing you can do but hope for the best. Take care, okay. Love and Hugs.

September 14, 2006
1:50 pm
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mumubaby89
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hI
I am online and u?
I know..i am going to arrange another interview...so fingers crossed.
I know what you are saying..and this week at college i took up another subject...English Lit -poems etc. I really enjoy it..but i know my mam and that would kill me as i already have enough work on my plate from the subjects im doing...but its something i want to try.

Councelling..it should be erm ok. I get upset in my lessons espically ICT when i am on my own..strngage i know but i feel the need to expalin to my ICT how i am feeling. strange i know..but she knows im having problems as shes the one afew months ago who took me to my tutor...so she kinda knows.

I hope i do ok this year..im doing re-sits hopefully. Guess who is paying...moi i know its bad but i think i can afford them all not sure though. I am on my own anyway for everything.

Mumubaby89

September 14, 2006
3:23 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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Hi MumuB, I think it might be good that you're taking a course you will really enjoy along with the others. When we enjoy something it usually doesn't even seem like work or at least not that difficult. I wish you the best with it. And with all your courses. And certainly with the job interview, too. I think you are doing really well. I know you have bad days, but overall, you are still able to make your own decisions and pretty much take care of yourself, like you said. I really hope you are giving yourself credit for doing that because you are moving forward when you do that. And right now it is about you and your future as you know. And you know we on here are in your corner. Take care, okay. Hugs.

September 16, 2006
11:49 am
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Hi
I have had a bad day at work...that was expected really. =( went out last night to the movies and it was kinda fun...its nice to get out once in a while
I spoke to my tutor about my future...and i kinda have it worked out for me. I know i can get loans and well yeah i have to pay them back when i am older...but it should be worth it ..as i want to move away and try something knew...and go to a university hopefully..if i get in anywhere.

mumubaby89
xxxxx
sorry for nt writing back...been out,to work and computer internet been down..ill always stay in contact no matter what
How r u??

September 16, 2006
1:23 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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Hi MumuB, I'm sorry you had a bad day at work, but I'm glad the tutor has helped you plan things ahead. I'm also glad you see that you don't always have to be stuck in the same situation or same place, same job or whatever. We do always have choices and I'm happy you're able to make yours and plan a good future ahead for yourself. As always, I wish you the best. I thought maybe you were not able to get on the computer. Good to hear from you again. Love and Hugs.

September 18, 2006
12:58 pm
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Hi i am ok...suppose
Just trying to hide how i am feeling and well its easy to try n forget about them...as ive done that but they dnt go away and if i dnt deal with them...they will only get worse.

I wouldnt say im suicdal...yeah i think about it alot...but i would be too scared to do it and i knw i would. Also it could go worong...or other things could happen...and i dnt want to take that risk..

I hopefully am seeing my counceller tomorrow...as i am back at college now...and its been 7/8 weeks since i last spoke to her...and alot has happened..emotionally and physically...

Many people i talk to and my friends dont reliase what ive been through. I have had alot on my mind...other than that...like unviersity. My University deadlines are quite soon...and i dont know what to do...or where i want to go..i pretend to peopl i know ...wen reli i dont. I dont have family or anyone here for me..my parents just think i am going to stay at my nans and go to the local university...but thats not what i want. I am going to move...maybe it will help me...have some peace and be more indepented...
and get away from here.

Also i think i am still in love with my ex...and its killing me... aS if already i didnt have enough on my plate

Sorry i have took ages to reply i have been busy...ill keep checking though.

September 18, 2006
12:58 pm
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Hi i am ok...suppose
Just trying to hide how i am feeling and well its easy to try n forget about them...as ive done that but they dnt go away and if i dnt deal with them...they will only get worse.

I wouldnt say im suicdal...yeah i think about it alot...but i would be too scared to do it and i knw i would. Also it could go worong...or other things could happen...and i dnt want to take that risk..

I hopefully am seeing my counceller tomorrow...as i am back at college now...and its been 7/8 weeks since i last spoke to her...and alot has happened..emotionally and physically...

Many people i talk to and my friends dont reliase what ive been through. I have had alot on my mind...other than that...like unviersity. My University deadlines are quite soon...and i dont know what to do...or where i want to go..i pretend to peopl i know ...wen reli i dont. I dont have family or anyone here for me..my parents just think i am going to stay at my nans and go to the local university...but thats not what i want. I am going to move...maybe it will help me...have some peace and be more indepented...
and get away from here.

Also i think i am still in love with my ex...and its killing me... aS if already i didnt have enough on my plate

Sorry i have took ages to reply i have been busy...ill keep checking though.

September 18, 2006
4:05 pm
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Hi MumuB, I hope the counselor can be of some help tomorrow. Have you thought about writing down some of the things for her? It might help since you haven't seen her in a few weeks. So, are you thinking about changing university this year and moving to another one? Guess it would work out if you could being that you're at the beginning of the school year. I don't know how that works there as far as applying at another place and waiting to get approved etc. Let us know how it goes tomorrow if you can get on the computer, okay. Love and Hugs.

September 19, 2006
2:51 pm
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Hi
No i am at college...and then you move to university...i am only 17

=(.....all ive done today is cry or get upset at the slightest things....You see i found out my mam might be having twins...and i was already really upset about just the one- which id due at about now =(.. i dnt knw why i feel like this.

i chickend out of counclling...and i dnt know why. I was thinking last night about it and well i kept sayin to myself what i was going to say to her. Today when i went to college and had a free lesson;which is where i normally see her...i didnt go instead i sat doing nothing...thinking should i go or not. I dunno i feel wierd going and i dunno why...I seen her later on she didnt see me but still... i just get the feeling she dusnt understand or anything. =S wierd i know.

I emailed her..and said : ' Can i come next week or make an appointment' ...she read the email. As on our system it tells u when they read it anf if they have. Well i got no reply =(...so i dunno

Whta do i do... university is getting to me..i keep sayin to myself im sorting and well im not..i dnt have neough money at all to spend on food etc etc...i dunno wat to do..i have no fmaily to help esp parent..they more concerned in themselves and the baby and my other brothers and sister to worry about me. For example my room is now my brothers and i share with my sister... =O all too much.
Re-sits and exams getting to me and i dropped a subject which i took up last week as it was too much and well i dnt really need it.

mumubaby89
x

September 19, 2006
3:52 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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MumuB, I'm sorry you missed the counseling appt. It seems like with a lot of us just when we need to go to counseling or meetings the most, we don't go. The good thing is though you can make sure to get in touch with her to go next week. I really think it would help you to write things down for her because not having been there in a while, I know you can feel anxious about talking with her. I know if I was going, I would definitely write things down I wanted to discuss. Otherwise I know I'd forget things or get on one subject and then not be able to discuss other important things. The thing is whether or not you think she understands will not matter as much as going because if she is the only one available to you at this time, then at least it is a start. It may not be perfect and later on you may find someone else you can talk with easier. I'm sorry about the situation with your mother and I hope for her sake it is not twins. You are an intelligent person who sees the danger in her situation as do I, but there is nothing you can do to change it because she has made her life for better or worse. We both know that the more children she has the harder it will be for her to make any changes in her life and that is sad. And it is definitely one way some of these controlling men keep their wives. And sadly so many times those very wives will take their side against anyone trying to help them. And for all their loyalty, they end up being abused some more. I can understand all that upsetting you because it even makes me feel bad for her and for all the children. I'm just hoping that being that you are an intelligent person, you can make a good life for yourself no matter how difficult it may seem now. I hope you can see that this is only a temporary time in your life and that it will not always be this way because you have the strength to keep striving for something much better. I hope you can see all you have come through already and this will be an encouragement to you to know that you will make it and make it very well one day. I believe in you, MumuB, and in your ability. Love and Hugs.

September 19, 2006
4:02 pm
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MumuB, I just read your other thread. You know you always have choices and why hurt yourself? Others have hurt you enough already so I hope you will not do this to yourself. Why let them win? If they can't be there for you or understand, then it should be all the more reason to be determined you will take care of yourself. You can come out of all this so superior to any of those who have hurt you that they will have to look up to you. When people let go of us, it is a freedom for us, really because then we can just be ourselves and do what we want with our lives. They are not there to interfere with us then. Why not do some writing instead, what do you think? Hugs.

September 20, 2006
4:12 am
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Hi

I know what u mean...and nest week i think i am going to attend the session and write things down. That way if i dont feel ready to say them i can show her.I just feel awkrad about going to her...i feel pople know or will see me going their.

My mam yeah i understand..and i really feel upset about it all..i duno what to say to be honest.

I am detremined to have a good life..on day! =( just its not now. I am going to go to uni...hopefully and i this will help me.

I know i just feel self-harming is my only choice...and well =( im not doing it and i knw i shouldnt..but i dunno.

I kept sayin i dunno to the counceller alot and she was like yeah u do say what u feel..and im bk to the dunnos again. i tend to say it when things r diffiuclt..so ppl dnt know
i am off to college so ill write to you later mumubaby xx

September 20, 2006
9:19 am
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MumuB, I think if you keep looking forward to your goals, it will really be helpful in so many ways. It will help you to focus so you can get good grades to be able to go on for further education and take the courses which really interest you. I'm glad you are writing things down again. That is also helpful when you feel no one is around to talk with because you always know you have pen and paper and can write about anything. And you can do that anytime which makes it nice. I used to keep a little pad and small pen with me so I would always have something to write on or sketch if I wanted to. It was very helpful, even when I had to wait somewhere, gave me something to do. Make notes of things I wanted to do or whatever came to mind. Hope this helps. And of course, just posting on here when you can which I know is not always possible, but it is a place to come to when you can for support. And there are many caring people here. Hugs.

September 21, 2006
11:57 am
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I said i wont make it that far.
And ever since i said it, its been hard.but nevemind,the nights i've had to cry. No1 has ever let me grow inside....I work really hard and i think i know exctally what i want and need. I just need to believe....i can reach my goals...i just need to talk to people and say : I believe i can, i believe i will....!
I keep creating pictures in my mind and hopefully they will come true in time.
I got to leave me past,my stress, my tears behind...and move on and let it go.Im still holding on and its really difficult for me to forget and move on.
My hopes and dreams i will believe even though it seems its not for me.i wnt give up.

The councelling i am finding really diffucult to go..and its maybe due to the fact i am not used to talking nevermind opening up. I just feel really awkard talking to her. She emailed me back and she sed they is a drop in session next week and i can come if i want. Also she said i hope all is well...well i wish it were.
I hate when people that are meant to be close..arent. My friend..my best mate made me travel to town and cancell a night out to see her. I went along as i havent seen her for about a week and well she didnt show up. She said she was sorry and had to go staright home form college..i just feel narked off with everyone. Like i mean why are people so me me me and stuck up these days and judge you not for what you are but for what they think you are...It really is doign my head in.

mumubaby89

September 21, 2006
12:28 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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MumuB, I'm sorry you're still struggling so. I do understand what you're saying though. My childhood was one where I really couldn't be a child, make noise or have fun unless I ran to the woods or the orchard where I could just be a child, be alone with my thoughts. Sing as loudly as I wanted to or whatever. My upbringing was very strict and I had to start working at age 17 in the big city after having hardly ever been off of the farm except to go to school and church mostly. I took a bus to school and back and I got rides to church and back. The only really disobedient thing I did was one day got off of the bus closer to home and took a ride home on a school mate's motor scooter. And it felt so free, but of course my mother was in the window and saw how I got home that day so that was the end of that. So, I do know how it feels to be so alone because I only had one or two friends at school and one I'm still friends with. Thankfully, I was blessed with the farm animals and other animals for friends and they are who I talked to. I was not allowed to have friends over very often or go to anyone else's place very often. So, growing up was hard for me. I was painfully shy, very difficult to speak in front of the class etc. They didn't offer counseling in my school so mostly instead of getting understanding you just got ridiculed and laughed at. I'm happy for you that you can go to counseling and I hope you will go to that open session. Even if you don't get out of it as much as you would like to, it is something which is available to you so I hope you take advantage of whatever help it may be to you. We will never change anyone else or how they act toward us because they are who they are, but we can certainly make life better for ourselves and they can not take that away from us. We don't have to allow them to as we can rise above all that and put our efforts into ourselves. I think if you need to cry, that is probably healing, too, as it is a way of releasing built up stress. I still have a day now and then when I cry over the loss of relationships with my family. There is no doubt about it family is a tough one to get over. And it is not easy to walk away from them even when it is in your best interest at the time. Even when you know you must focus on yourself in order to survive and make it somehow. I once again wish you the very best, MumuB. Love and Hugs.

September 21, 2006
3:11 pm
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Crap

I hate it when people judge you for what u look like rather than for what you actually are.
I hate it when people lie about everything and end up hurting not just themsevles but everybody around them
I hate it when you have like 5 weeks or so to choose a university and you dont bloody have a clue where you want to go...

I hate it when your so 'called' mates..dont meet you where they are meant to and you end up waiting like such a fool that you are.

I hate it when people have to discrimate other people in order to make themselves look good when really they are twats

I hate it when you try and go out of your way to prove something to someone and they chuck it back in your face.

I hate it when your mates make lies about lads..in order to make you jelous...well sorry it doesnt really work. And i esp hate it when they make out they really care for them or they care for him/her...when realy they dont or you would be with them right now...

I hate alot of things at the minute but the things that nark me off the most if when the people you really care about are not always their or they runaway when times get tough.But i do have loads kool mates..all wierd in their own ways which i love =D

As you can guess i am in a hufy...well i would not call it that..more like pissed off with the world and peoples actions.

I think alot of people are fake and well need to get a grip of their lives really. When u call someone do u do it for your own satifaction or others?? your soo hardd NOT. ive got to the point where ill say what i feel and that has ended me a frienship with someone who was always stiring crap..or slaging each member of our lil crew off...and well i feel good. If got out to say id really warn your to keep mouth shut if cnt say anything nice...or deal with whatever is said back.I dont care if i have any mates because i dont need them..all they do is cause me pain or anger =(

I love someone...which is utterly a waste of space.
I understand what u mean about ur up bringing..mine was smiliar..i wasnt allowed anywhere..and well to wards the end she stopped caring as much. Today i went to see my mother due to the reason i had to get my post and stuff. I played with my brother and it was weird as i havnt seen them in ages. My mam was like some back whenever u want and stuff like that..im confused she wanted me gone before.

September 21, 2006
3:31 pm
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MumuB, I'm sorry things are in such a confusion for you at this time. Maybe your mother would like to have more people around her now that she is due to have the baby or babies. I don't know, but when you know something didn't work out before, it is not likely it would work again and I hope you will not tie up your future because you still need to take care of yourself. I found out with my family. I gave up going to my meetings and all I did was work and clean up after them. Well, guess what, now they hardly get in touch with me, some I see once a year if that. So, this is why I've had to learn to really be for myself because no one else will be if I'm not. I've had to learn to just let other people be who they are and ignore their remarks etc. and just have nothing to do with them if they can't have a decent conversation. I was not as well dressed when I went to school as most of the others. My mother who adopted me made my clothes and I had to wear oxford shoes because of my problems with my feet and very narrow feet to top it all. Could hardly find shoes to fit me so I had to do with what I had. Now, like this Friday when I'll see some of my class mates for lunch, I'll have to wear my oxfords, too, but I no longer care. I have colored my hair to look nicer and I'll be dressed nicely, but if one can do nothing about some things the only thing left to do is accept them as they are. And now I actually look better than a lot of my class mates do, not that I'm trying to, but I have more confidence now than I did then. A lot of this just comes with experience, with getting so fed up with the way others do that you learn to do for yourself and let them go. And its a good feeling when you know you're standing on your own even if you have less than someone else. I hope this helps you, MumuB. 🙂

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