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Tues Night Crew
November 1, 2005
11:41 pm
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Neshema
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I saw him today...I went with my two friends to the meeting. They said on either side of me and then we bolted. They actually were very supportive and seemed to think he really must be very emotional about me, because he tells them nothing. He hides me and our work from everyone, including people who are supposed to be involved (including them, I found out). So, I have them to sit with from now on at meetings.

He send me an email after, asking if I was there (he saw me sitting in the front), because he had to stand up and say something. He looked at me. Then he asked why I didn't stay and talk to him, and he put a smiley faces. I didn't respond, but it did, disturbingly, make me have hope, which I know is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

My dad sent me an email, when I asked how my mother was doing, and he blamed me for making her worse (she is worse, because she doesn't tell the doctor how bad she is...I have the same dr who is very aggressive). He asked me what the hell was I doing upsetting her. It is so lame. They denied everything when I was a kid and they were perfectly heatlhy. I am starting to realize I won't be getting what i need from them EVER. They will never take responsibility for what happened. So, now what? You know the inner child concept? In psych, there is a similar concept called "reparenting." I think that is what I need help with from a therapist. At least now I know. I am heart-broken.

November 2, 2005
12:27 am
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mamacinnamon
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Hey Neshie...

My oh my they just don't ever learn do they. Still tryin to bait you thinkin you will fall for him again. Sure is full of himself isn't he. You did good. Pat pat on the back. You remain strong.

Gosh, as of the matters of your parents. I guess the only thing you can do now is understand they are probably not acknowledge this ever. Maybe coz they feel so guilty? Maybe coz they just don't know how to handle it.

I'm sorry. Forgive them Neshie. They don't know what they are doing. I truly do not think they would be so cruel.

Rise above Neshie. Find peace. Have a good happy life.

Gonna step out for a few, but will return.

November 2, 2005
1:26 am
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Neshema
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Mamac-

I am getting a book on sibling abuse. I read about it online. It is for adult survivors and also talks about parents' responses, such as denial, blaming the victim, etc. THis is what i need to read.

Got the boundaries book, I think the one you suggested.

Reading about verbal abuse. This all is helping. Well, it is very painful, but it is all a bit overwhelming.

As for my parents, I am not ready. I spent years in my room hiding. If they cannot acknowledge that, I am still finally admitting this is why there are no photos of me as a child...not because I was sick. I know I will feel better when I forgive, but I have to face the truth now. The forgiveness won't be genuine. I still love them, and I emailed them and told them. I told them yesterday. They continue to blame and hurt me for even asking them to admit the truth, which they did. So, I tell them everyday that I love them. But, I don't understand how they can say they love(d) me, respected and protected me...their only child who never asked them for anything...the one they were most proud of, the one they gave nothing to. They unconditionally accepted and enabled my two brothers and still do, while their chronically ill daughter made something of herself without asking for any financial help ever. They know I would do anything for them, yet they were noticeably absent during my stalker. I forgave them for that, because I thought my mom might already have been sick, but didn't know. But, you know what. She wasn't sick 30 yrs ago when my brother was hurting me. She was teaching yoga and aerobics. I even basically forgave my brother who did this to me. He is on meds now. Mamac, I have limits. I cannot keep accepting blame when I am innocent. I love them, but I don't accept this part.

November 2, 2005
2:29 am
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Lass
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Neshie honey,

Sometimes we have to give to ourselves what others cannot. If they could have, they would have. That has likely not changed any. Quit barking up that tree. Make it up to yourself by how loving you are to you. Appreciate you.

My mom did eventually apologize, and it was enough. She later said all she ever really wanted was my happiness.

I am sensing that you are spilling anger over onto your parents, and that won't help. Use your mad on to forward your self work, writing, reading, coda meetings, maybe a self-defense class. Anger makes us feel safe, but it cannot and should not be a sustained state. It is bad for us over the long haul, and bad for others.

Love ya',
Lass

November 2, 2005
2:39 am
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Lass
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Neshema,

Some more thoughts on this:

John Bradhsaw's Homecoming and also his Championing the Inner Child are both great. They involve the process of reparenting, something which can be done with a therapist familiar with age regression therapy. This is not such a strange thing, after all, when we act out we are already in an age regressed state.

I sense that when you are around your parents, as most of us, you become a little girl who feels helpless to express the depth of her rage safely. I wouldn't do it there. I would do it in therapy, where you won't get blocked again, or told in so many words to go stuff it.

LL

November 2, 2005
2:51 am
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Neshema
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Thanks lass, I took a lot of self defense after my stalker. I got tired of hitting cops. I am going back to weight training...I was the state bench press champ in grad school, despite juvenile arthritis. I also am spending more time with friends and with my spiritual house of worship. Doing online coda meetings..gonna go to a therapist as soon as I sort out the primary need...within the next week. Spending limited time with guy 2. Stange thing is, I had the urge to contact my ex bf, the ACOA. I suddenly felt friendship and a different understanding. I felt like saying he didnt need to respond, although I would like to hear from him. IF he cannot, I accept it but today, after doing this reading about childhoodsm and my traumatic year, and revisiting my own, it was not as perfect as I thought. I am deeply sorry for what he experienced (severely alchoholic parents since age 5). He could never bring kids home. He hid. He instead became a super sports star and achiever and eventually a prof, yet his relationships suffered. I admire his accomplishments, regardless, and I think I have more empathy for his experience in gaining more insight into my own,. We both thougt his was awful and mine was pefect. I was just in denial, whereas he couldnt be. His was light years worse. Just wish I had him as a friend right now. How sad. i think he would be my friend if I askedm but he grew up with abandonment. I never know when he will abandon me. Plus he is Coda...so may do more harm than good. Guy 2 seems most stable, though I doubt he gets the deeper issues.I really miss the old bf, he was the closest of all. I just wish I could talk to him. We were friends for 12 ir 13 yrs and dated about 2. It was beautiful until he went off his psych drugs. that is what the current abuser is too narcissistic to get. I loved the ACOA more than anyone, yet I will never take him back as long as he refuses to help himself. I just need his friendship now. I think he will get my family issues. Do I call or email or forget it?

November 2, 2005
3:14 am
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Lass
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Neshie Darlin',

The only one who needs to "get" us is us.

Don't go backwards. Onward. Face forward.

I would focus on you for awhile. You are late-breaking news in your own life.

We all feel that deep connection with the other we had to leave behind.

Goin' to bed.
Love, Lass

November 2, 2005
3:18 am
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Neshema
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We all feel deep connection with the one(s) we had to leave behind? so that is normal? How terribly sad.

I guess you are saying I have to leave he ACOA behind then, right?

Okay, thank you.

Love, Neshie

November 2, 2005
3:45 am
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mamacinnamon
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Neshie:

I didn't say take the blame onto yourself. You cannot be blamed for what was done to you as a child.

I said that IF you cannot get them to take responsibility, and we cannot force anyone to do anything, then you may need to accept that they cannot or will not give what you need. For they know not what they do... is a part of a quote saying not that they did not see and know, but they didn't look or think about the impact short or long term.

Here's an off the wall thought.... You've heard what comes around goes around. Sometimes when a person lets the bad happen and does not stop it they eventually will get sick. Same as the victim who endures stress on a constant basis will eventually get sick. Same as dwelling on things of the past that we did not stop will make us sick. Might your mom's illness be stress enduced or related? and yours? Just an off the wall thing to think about. But let me know. I'm interested to see if there is any corralation.

November 2, 2005
3:59 am
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Regret
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Nesh,

I am sorry I did not check any of the other threads apart from One that Chicky and I have kept going and the one addressed by Sini to me.

Apart from the stress, how are you physically? I am sorry that all this is coming out at this point in your life. But, I am certain that you will get through this ok.

First, please don't be sucked back into Prof. R. Lauren's antics. I think he is good at the game he plays. He knows he cannot lose you for all the benefits that come along with you. And he is playing safe in terms of ensuring that he has you in his camp. I believe he is using the carrot and stick approach in order to keep you "on your toes". You fear him, he calms your fears and gets you to hope/trust him and then he pulls off and the cycle goes on and on. If he wants to be friends etc, then he has to be straight with you. No double dealings, no stabs in the back either subtly or strongly.

On your parents, I am sorry. You probably may not want to hear what I have to say but this is what I think. I honestly believe that some people cannot see the part in an action so long as they did not do it themselves. In the case of your parents, they might be considering that your brother was ill (psychologically- since you mentioned he is on medication) and so, he did not mean to do what he did. And, since they were not yelling at you and treating you badly, then, they did nothing wrong. It is kinda warped but Nesh, I cannot see how they will accept blame if this is the thinking. Having said that, i suspect that your parents loved you the only way they knew how. And don't forget that they grew up in a different era where the culture of parenting was quite different. I grew up with people in whose families the girls had to do all the chores whilst the boys were treated like princes. I know someone who had to endure rape from her own brother but whose parents refused to admit it till now. What I am saying is that some parents have an image of their families and either consciously or unconciously, they refuse to accept otherwise.

I have a brother who gave us much trouble. My parents refused to admit he had a problem and in a way, enabled him till it blew up in our faces. My mom's excuse was always not to wash our dirty linen in public. It seemed to me that even discussing it in the family was exposing it to the public. When it blew up in our faces, I guess we no longer had to hide it.

I have read your posts and i think that getting help for yourself in this regard might be the best. I don't want to dampen your spirit but I have a feeling that getting your parents to accept their part of the responsibility might be an uphill task which will sap too much of your energy.

All the best to you and hope to read from you soon.

November 2, 2005
4:05 am
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Neshema
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Mamac-

I think she would have gotten it anyway...runs in the family. I think the holocaust victims didn't bring on or deserve their fate. I think it just happens, and we as mere mortals don't understand..aren't capable and must ask God for strength. I truly feel sorry for her.

I do think she is incapable of taking responsibility. SHe did not, because denial was her defense mechanism, think about the short or long term impact. Now, she cannot cope with the guilt.

So, I will have to hug myself. Be what I wish she could have been and could be. Talk to myself now. Cry to myself is if I am the mommy to myself. It makes me cry to even think of it. I used to sit on her lap with my arthritis. I just wanted her to protect me from my brother. Instead, I hid for years and years and years. I was so increadibly isolated. I was so isolated again with the stalker. The greatest thing is to go to work and feel like I am doing something valuable.i was a gifted child severely lonely...a pretty, talented, nice, gifted, LONELY child...from as long as I can remeber until college. It is okay, I made something really special of myself. But the recent events have brought out the truth. It is very hard to admit. That stalker took just about everything. I feel like a wounded bird. I used to be strong and funny. Oh, well...

How are you?

November 2, 2005
4:10 am
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Neshema
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mamac-

Need to get some zzzzz. May get up in a bit and come back. IF you write I will check...

Thanks for the support. Update me on you and jigs.

Nesh

November 2, 2005
4:28 am
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mamacinnamon
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Neshie...

I'm gonna drag tomorrow too. Sleep well.

Hey, You don't have to stay that wounded bird. You can heal just as a wounded bird would w/ the proper love and care. Then it eventually flies; just as you will when the time is right.

🙂

November 2, 2005
5:06 am
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Anonymous
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Nesh, I haven't soken about your issues because I'm dealing with almost the same problems. I grew up hiding behind books. In my teenage years I got my true identity from G-- in church. It felt so good. My greatgrandmother had started going to this church and I used to go with my mom and grandparents. Their reason was grandpa's cancer. But my family knew we had issues. They just thought that 'bathing' in shopping sprees would do it. Now my sieblings and I are adults and seem tired of so much 'warm towels/panaceas. Mom is gone but grandma is still alive as well as 5 other sieblings of her. Ive got 4. Each of them followed their own path. Each thinks diferently. There are battles going on in which I wish I didn't have to fight, wish that I could hide, but I need to face for the pain to go away and to stand up for myself. Im still struggling with me vs. others. I hope to find a happy medium.

You seem to have been digging real hard for your answers, too. But your parents and your sieblings are unlikely to change. I like what Lass said about taking care of yourself. Its great that you have colleagues who can be mentors. Since we can't change others, we must focus on us; while understanding us we begin to understand others, be less hurt and more assertive. I haven't been desensitized (sp?) to what happened to me. The not now's, obey your older sieblings, give in to the younger ones are still there. So is the harping that I must find my group and turn my lemons into lemonade right now. If you don't have any health condition, I'd say follow a therapy in psychology. Psych's will put you into medication no matter what. Try seeing how you do without it. Hope this helped. Hugs,

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