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tryingtoheal-doubting my capability to do this
July 23, 2009
7:32 pm
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innerturmoil
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hi
T2H...

Idk ,,, only you know if you can keep it in for that long...
It sounds to me like you might be worse for wear if you DO keep it in that long..
At least ask your therapist if she has to tell your parents/ or authorities...

in anycase ,, im thinking about you,, i wish you were near me so i could come talk to u in person..

at least u found this site...

if you are in that much pain,, id suggest trying to tell..
---but only when YOU are ready...

I Hope You ARE gonna be ok...
Do not do anything drastic...
I wish i could give you my phone number or something,,, i know that is not allowed.. :{
im sorry u are feeling this way....
you have soooo much to give this world.. remember that..

((((tryingtoheal))))

July 23, 2009
8:01 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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She does have to tell them. i looked at the laws for my state.

I don't know if i will be worse because its either i hold it in or i get put through hell. i know there is No way that i would be able to sit in a court room and tell in details every single event that happened. and my family would be there and i could not handle that at all.

i won't do anything drastic... i've promised a few of my close friends i wouldn't...no matter how much i want to.

i know, the rules are strict on here.
and im soo thankful i found this site and that i'm talking to you. thank you for all the advice and support.. it means so much.=)

((((inner))))

July 23, 2009
10:23 pm
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atalose
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My best guess would be that, you are going to a counselor for help and if telling the authorities or your parents would be counter productive at this point which it is, the counselor will not disclose what you tell them.

Part of the process is getting the secret out and counselors know that, they also know and understand the deep fears associated with these things especially the fear of disclosing who it was. Which by the way you donโ€™t have to do, at this point. Just disclosing you were sexual abused is the important part.

((((trying))))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 23, 2009
10:36 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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but the law is that if the client is being abused or has ever been abused the therapist by law has to imediately inform the patients guardian(s)

but maybe she wouldn't but i don't feel safe chancing it. and theres no way i can really ask her what she would do if i told her i was sexually abused. with out her knowing that i was. if that makes sense

i turn 16 in 6 months. so i will be able to drive.. and a town over their is a walk in place for every kind of abuse survivor and its free and confdential. so i plan on going there.

i don't even know how i would tell anyone face to face.. i never have
ive talked to two of my good friends in person but that was after knowing the for three or four years. everytime i even consider telling my therapist when im with her or heading to therapy i start to feel sick and shake and my pulse races.
so i dont know how to get past that and how i would even tell someone or what i would say

July 23, 2009
11:26 pm
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atalose
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I think checking out that other place for survivors sounds like a good idea. How about a site like this one but one for survivors of sexual abuse, have you looked into that?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 24, 2009
10:53 am
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tryingtoheal..
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ive been on a few but none yet that i felt comfortable on. any suggestions on what to type in if i google it?

July 24, 2009
11:08 am
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atalose
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A good friend of mine suggested this web site:

http://www.dmoz.org/Society/Su.....Survivors/

as a starting place. She is now dealing with the same issue at the age of 45.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 24, 2009
1:26 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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thank you. i'm going to check it out now.
and i'm sorry to hear that. =(

July 24, 2009
8:58 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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i checked out that site ans there was alot of helpful links and i havent went on every one yet. thank you

(((((((atalose)))))))

July 24, 2009
9:21 pm
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innerturmoil
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hi
T2H,,,
glad u are finding good sites..
idk much about that soo,, im glad u found something helpful....

i hope you are doing ok today...
what time zone r you in?
(i think we can tell that much)
I am on the East coast...

((hugs))

July 24, 2009
9:28 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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yeah theres alot of helpful websites. i like reading the poetry by other survivors

im doing pretty alright today. how are your doing?

9:22pm so east coast it doest say anything against saying what time it is.

July 25, 2009
12:37 am
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red blonde
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(((T2H)))

It is hard to tell people, counselor or not, at any age.

July 25, 2009
12:51 pm
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innerturmoil
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Hi,
T2H
It would be Hard to tell anybody at any age, ,, im sure.....

anyway,
i am in NC...
ive said the state before, i think that is ok..
it doesnt really say anything...
what state r you in T2H?

I just think it is cool 2 know approximately where people are in this world! ๐Ÿ™‚

anyway,,
hope u are good today?
what are u doing today? babysitting?
going swimming? (It is hot enough to swim here at 8am!)

((hugs))

July 25, 2009
1:51 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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yeah it will always be a struggle to tell.

NH its humid but this morning it was high 60's

=/ I really can't go swimming unless i have shorts on or something.... my upper legs are scarred from cutting and no one in my family knows that i cut.

today has been a family day. we moved to the otherside of town in june and are still organizing the house. but tonight we are going out for dinner. so it should be nice.

i'm alright just overwhelmded with everything.

what are you upto today?

(((((hugggggss))))))

July 25, 2009
3:35 pm
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innerturmoil
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Hi
T2H,,,

omg,, another friend of mine on here lives in NH... I WISH the high was in the 60's!

it is 93 F here!... uggg..
just trying to stay cool mostly...

that sounds like fun,, i hope it will be ...where yall goin' to eat?
I like outback ,, and anything really,, i like seafood alot too..
have fun!

i guess i better go watch my son so my h can get 2 work... ๐Ÿ™‚

take care
((hugs))

July 25, 2009
7:30 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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lol i hate when its that hott.

i like out back too.. thats one of the places i suggested. We went to the Texas Road House. It was pretty good.

Have fun watching your son! and have a good night =)

((((hugggs)))

July 27, 2009
12:41 pm
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innerturmoil
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Hi
T2H!
How r You today?
im pretty good...

Texas RH is pretty good 2.. at least u didnt go to 'waffle house' LOL..

anyway,,
gotta go check some email..
hope u are feelin ok!

July 27, 2009
1:08 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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i'm okay today my anxiety has just been on the high side lately.

lol ive never been there before.

now i get to go mow the lawn. its actually mid 80 today and Humid! lol

i hope you have a great day!

July 27, 2009
4:32 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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so i found this poem and i think its pretty amazing so i thought i'd share with everyone.

Living Hell

Our minds choose to let go of hidden memories,
at times least expected.
10 years lost - lost in the confinement of walls -
built up so as to never see or never feel the reality
of the pain once inflicted.
Maybe at this point of change within my life,
i needed to face this personal nightmare,
without the path of self destruction -
which continualy blocks my vision toward true happiness.
My mind now gives me back these years,
this time not to view from a spectators safe distance,
but to now feel the emotions that complete this memory.

Abused - scared - my own self not yet discovered,
was stolen from deep inside.
My heart crushed,
my mind tormented,
my body battered from head to toe.
Beaten - abused - as though a possesion,
owned by my abuser.
Never enough strength to leave,
scared to death of the outcome of escape.
Left behind only an empty shell.
Only to step from one hell into another.

My heart foolishly trusting again,
now hating the image that was my own reflection.
Once again i allowed myself to become a victim.
Feelings of disgust - of hurt - and sadness,
a deep acheing pain consuming my entire being.
Years of this cycle - anger - hatred - betrayel - pain.
Until drugs came into my existence,
and miraculously took away all the bad feelings.

As the needle entered my veins,
years of misery was flooded and overcome -
by the warm rush of a chemical substance -
that ran through my blood.
This began the years of self destruction.
This abuse i chose for myself -
for once i was in control,
or so i thought.
Faster than a rollercoaster ride
speeding down the big dipper
addiction gained the power and strength
over my weakened mind and soul.
This ride picked me up and took me
to the darkest, coldest, sad, suicidal hell ever imagined.
When the ride stops -
and there is nowhere else to go but up,
death seems the easier option.
Up is a very long way
when there is no light to lead the way.
If i looked around this space
I could see pitch blackness,
the only thing visible was myself.

I turned my focus within and discovered-
my soul.
It was here finally i saw the beginning of a journey.
One which allows me to collect the shattered pieces
of myself -
and place them back together to form a ladder -
of strength and confidence to rise above the hell hole,
to finaly gain the knowledge to become complete.
Every step up a struggle-
each one allowing me to take from the negative experience
a positive outcome -these became the building blocks
i used to build the wall around each and every
bad emotion i had suffered.
This wall became my tower of strength
and the structure i used to climb to the top-
of this my personal struggle.
Now for the first time in my life-
i could see me.
In the now bright warm light all around me-
i could see direction.
A new existence - with no boundaries.
A life that is my own.

September 2003

CHARMAINE SIMPSON

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