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tryingtoheal-doubting my capability to do this
July 5, 2009
11:33 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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hey everyone,

three days (weds. the 8th) until the next time i see my therapist... i'm really doubting that i am going to be able to tell her that i was sexually abused...

My anxiety is so high that my pulse is twice as fast as it normally is and its normally faster than it should be.

ughh i dont know what to do.. i can't seem to find anything that will lower my anxiety. Everything that normally helps isn't doing any at all.

i have no idea why im being so doubtful. but i really don't know if i am going to be able to bring myself to tell her.

i need guidence,advice, reassurance.. anything that will help..thanks,

T2H =(

July 6, 2009
12:57 am
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fantas
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((((T2H)))),
Perhaps you need to give yourself permission not to tell her anything this Wednesday and actually talk about what you are going through now. The fear of sharing your story with someone else. There is no law that says you must tell her everything on Wednesday, is there? You can only tell this story when you are ready, which you are obviously not and nothing is wrong with that. What you are committed to is getting there some day. Right now, you must address this issue of FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real. This is what your psyche wants to address at this moment.

Once you do this, you will realize whether you are ready. If you aren`t, your inner child will show you what needs to be worked on, until such a time when this issue will come up naturally and organically. Right now, it feels forced and you are resisting it with every fiber of your being. Honor that and thank yourself for knowing what needs to be worked on ๐Ÿ™‚

Hang in there!!!

July 6, 2009
4:43 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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im starting to wondering if i truly will ever be ready to talk.... i will always be in fear.

is there really any way that will get rid of being in fear?

July 6, 2009
7:29 pm
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innerturmoil
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((trying2heal))
I know you CAN tell her ,, and you are ready,,,,
you are a strong young woman,,
you do not have to tell everything at once,,, just take it slowly and do it as you are ready,,
are you going to ask the therapist if she would have to tell your parents??

have you decide whether to tell your mom.....?

I wish i could say more to help you...just know your therapist IS a professional.. and probably hears about abuse more than we would like to think,,,

I just wish you soo much luck and I am thinking about you and your struggle often..
i really wish i could say more to help you..

(((hugs))))

July 6, 2009
9:01 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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I am going to ask her if she has to tell my mom.
and eventually i do want to tell my mom but i want to do it after a while of my therapist helping me.

your advice does help me alot and Thank you Inner for supporting me.

T2H

July 8, 2009
9:22 pm
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innerturmoil
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hi,
tryingtoheal,,
did you see your therapist today?
How did it Go????

i hope you decided to tell her..

---inner--

July 9, 2009
6:46 am
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If you feel in any way uncomfortable with telling your therapist ANYTHING, you need a new therapist! This is a very important thing for you to discuss and work through, it will never help you to hide it from yourself, which is what you will end up doing if you don't tell someone soon. There are lots of good counselers that will be gentle, kind, and helpful when you are ready to talk about it. If you need to find someone else, do it. For you. You deserve to be supported, helped, and understood!

July 9, 2009
2:37 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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i planned on asking her yesterday her obligations and then tell her from there if i was ready. but then a twist got thrown at me and i guess my mom planned to come in for most of the time so i didnt get a chance.

i love my therapist im just afraid in general to tell.

im tired of being on a rollercoaster,
T2H

July 10, 2009
5:24 pm
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innerturmoil
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hey,
T2H...
urgggh! sorry about ur mom comin in,,,has she done that before??

i guess you dont talk about alot when she is in there
i know i wouldnt ๐Ÿ™‚

if she HAS been in ther with u before,, no wonder u think that ur therapist would tell her...

idk if that is kosher.... i guess it is since u are only 15 ,, but,, you seem very mature for ur age..
idk what your mom hopes to accomplish by accompanying you...

hope u are ok!

July 11, 2009
3:06 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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My has come in once or twice before but only to talk about if they thought my meds are working. and this time she came in becuase she says im 'short tempered' and thought that i might be bipolar and not depressed.

yeah i do not saying anything when she is there.

and im doing pretty good ive been hanging with friends alot. so ive been distracted

July 11, 2009
3:09 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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My has come in once or twice before but only to talk about if they thought my meds are working. and this time she came in becuase she says im 'short tempered' and thought that i might be bipolar and not depressed.

yeah i do not saying anything when she is there.

and im doing pretty good ive been hanging with friends alot. so ive been distracted

July 15, 2009
6:35 pm
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innerturmoil
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hi
T2H..!
havnt heard from you.....

how are things,,, have you told your therapist, (or anyone else) yet?

i worry about you,, you are still so young,, to have sooo much to deal with..

hope you are ok..
-((hugs))-

July 16, 2009
10:06 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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Hey ((Inner))

sorry for not updating in a while.
No i haven't told anyone yet. I can't seem to find the strength to. and even when i do and i want to tell someone i can't... it is like my mouth is super glued shut and my hands are broking so there is no way to tell.

I'm to weak to do this.. to weak to even handle this. and i know if i don't handle it, it will get worse. but i know if i push my self to hard to do this it will take a huge toll on me and a bigger toll then holding it in for longer. I know that there is a point (that isn't to far) that if i get pushed beyond it will knock me down, break me down and kill me.

Inside i'm really not okay and i just want to roll up into a ball.. break down and cry.
but over the years i've become really good at putting a mask on and faking being happy and bubbly. i guess i've just accepted being like this... to the point where its normal to be like this.

T2H

July 17, 2009
9:59 am
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Hey Trying,

Just writing it out on this post takes courage. You've taken a huge step. Just telling it here lets your mask fall off just a little. You'll tell the therapist when you're ready.

I disagree. You're not weak, you're a survivor. I hear all of your pain but the good news is that you're still here.

July 17, 2009
2:07 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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Hey Lanigirl,

but telling it on here is different. there is no way anyone on here can force me to do something i don't want to do. If i tell someone else like my therapist she can force me to do things i don't want to.

I'm strong enough to stay alive but to weak to move from where i am in life.

July 21, 2009
9:09 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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So lately i have been feeling terrible. i feel as if my feet are cemented to a cinder block and there is an anchor attached to me. and i was just thrown overboard into the middle of the sea. it seems like there is no reason to try to get free because no matter what i won't be able to and i'm going to end up drowning anyways.

i have no faith in anything anymore,

~Trying To Heal~

July 22, 2009
9:02 am
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innerturmoil
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hi T2H,,,
im sorry you are feeling that way......

i wish that u could tell your therapist or someone else that would be supportive and not force u to do something you are not ready to do...

do not think that way...
what are you doing now,, i know it is summer and u are not in school.. are there any activities u are involved in....
maybe working somewhere? or volunteer ur time somewher,,
you should try to volunteer somewhere where there are kids,,, like a daycare,, i used to work in one and when ever i was down,, the little kids always were soo sweet to me and made me feel alot better ๐Ÿ™‚

hope you are doing ok today..
(( hugs))

July 22, 2009
10:30 am
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tryingtoheal..
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Me too but i haven't found anyone yet.
but i kind of feel like me going to therapy is a waste because she really can't do much to help me if she doesn't know.. and i'm not ready to let her know..

I babysit usually once a week. and in August i start my volunteer work for the red cross being a swim aid at the swimming lessons and help with the little kids.

Mostly i read. I love to read especially books by Ellen Hopkins.

And i won a free trial at this karate place that i went to when i was little and i use to love to do it but had to quit because it was so expensive. but i just started doing karate again.

July 22, 2009
11:00 am
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atalose
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When we have deep and painful secrets that we keep closed up inside of us we stop growing and continue to live with an out of date self image. We remain tied to our painful past and hurtful experiences and they continue to eat away at us.

When we feel shame, embarrassment or guilt we begin to resolve to live with all of that rather then release our secrets.

When we learn that the only way to take all that power away from our secrets is to divulge the secret to someone we trust and will be understanding the secret no longer has the power to control our lives. We are no longer locked to our past and are able to bring our self image up to date.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 22, 2009
5:44 pm
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innerturmoil
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thats good!

how old are the kid(s) you babysit?

i bet they are sweet..

im glad you are keeping busy,,
I went to a therapist monday for the first time in awhile.. she is really nice and i think i might be able to stay with her-- (well see)....

she looks like she is about your age tho ๐Ÿ™‚

so ,, have u decided NOT to tell ur therapist?
just wondering

((hugs))

July 22, 2009
10:06 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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five year old twin boys and a seven year old boy. i love them but the older one has Asburgers and is hard to handle sometimes.

That's awesome =).... it's so hard to find a therapist who you like and are comfortable with. i hope she works out. =)

i Just came from therapy.

At this point and time i'm not going to tell her.

i feel like i can always change my mind and tell her.. but if i tell her i can't change my mind back to having her not know.

all i know is that i'm not ready to let her know or anyone who will try to make choices for me..... i don't know if i will ever be ready to tell though. but when i turn 18 i get to make the calls right?

i hope you have a good night.

((huggss))

July 22, 2009
10:13 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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atalose,

I fear to much to tell anyone. and i refuse to let someone else take control of the situation. my past already has control and now i want control but i'm not going to get control by handing the power to someone else. then i will be running back into what i just ran from.

July 22, 2009
10:25 pm
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atalose
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Trying,

Thatโ€™s ok, itโ€™s ok you are not ready. Iโ€™m just glad you are here and I hope you keep posting.

Yes when you are 18 you get to make all the calls and all the decisions for this and any other aspect of your life.

((tryingtoheal))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 22, 2009
11:52 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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i will keep posting... this is the only place i really get support... and i need it.

Then i guess i'll have to wait 2 1/2 years. I've been dealing with this for seven years and kept it a total secret for four years. if ive done that and been through that much i should be able to wait a few more years... right??

i hope you have a good night

((atalose))

July 23, 2009
7:05 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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Do you guys think i can keep it to myself for a few more years or do you think that would just send me into a worse suicidal state than i'm already in?

...the worse result that could happen is that it kills me..right? but isn't that my fate in the end anyways... i don't understand why it matters sooooo mcuh when in life we die.

everyone always answers that with 'because life is precious and something to enjoy'

but that answer doesn't mean anything to me... how could it though when i'm scarred so bad and in to much pain to enjoy life.

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