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trying to surrender
October 17, 2005
10:14 am
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Anonymous
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this weekend's coda meeting was about step 3 - turning our will over to our higher power.

I'm struggling without struggling if that makes any sense.

I see disaster coming, but it's a vague "concern" instead of an overriding obsession.

we went to therapy together last week, only to find that this therapist does not accept insurance - and her costs are more than we can afford - but her thought was for us to separate - which is what we had in mind - but the plan isn't in place - not sure what the hold up is - mostly on his part.

he is wallowing in despair because he can't get his financial act together. I wonder what the hell is so hard about getting another job. But since I am not paying the consequences, and he is, it's not my problem. Although I did tell him that if I get evicted cuz he didn't pay his half of the rent, there WILL be hell to pay, that I didn't have enough to cover his half and since we were both on the lease, I would be the other responsible party. His response was grief for letting my daughter and I down, yet again. I didn't play into the pity party. I stayed quiet. I had nothing to say. Wasn't my job to beat him up more about it - wasn't my job to make the pain better either. It is what it is.

He keeps saying the plan starts november first, I wonder why it can't be in place sooner. Seems like all my "issues" or the family issues, or the home responsibilities keep him from pursuing his other plan - I pointed it out - told him that he is too distracted. We don't know the answer.

He is helpful, loyal, commited. He is there when I need him. Things are calm and peaceful.

But there are underlying issues - and I keep thinking that while we are in the "calm" stage, we forget what the issues are and why we are in therapy.

I don't know if he is changing, and that's why things are better - or if I am just not reacting to things I would have in the past - and yeah, there are things I can react to if I wanted to. So I know I am changing. But does that mean that he doesn't have to change his behaviours that used to bother me because I "accept" them more now? It's hard to say. I can't tell if things are truly changing or if he is just on his best behaviour for now...until I catch him in something...hard to explain.

I know that his "my business is my business" is a problem for me - but it's so hard these days to even discuss that in therapy - he isn't online much and I don't know what he does on his phone. He is home most of the time for now. I know that stuff in his financial life is a total mess and I probably don't know the half of it. I know that stuff goes on in his family and with his ex wife that I don't know about. Strangely it irks me, but doesn't obsessively bother me.

This "lull" scares the crap out of me.

When we went to therapy, I worried "what will we talk about" since things are quiet now. We had things to talk about - but in the end, the therapist figures we got together too prematurely and he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet, independent of me, and then for us to work back together again if we so choose. He hates that idea, but essentially, it's the plan we decided on alread - in that he will be staying with family in effort to get ahead financially and stay on the lease, paying rent where I am at, and we see eachother a couple of nights a week, not more than that.

I don't know...I feel "groggy", jumpy...feeling like I should be worried, but don't know what to worry about?

anyway, just had to ramble, check in with you guys...will try to catch up and post more if time permits.

October 17, 2005
10:30 am
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mamabear
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Know that we are here for you and we care. Mamabear

October 17, 2005
10:46 am
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exoticflower
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Alicat, there is a Van Morrison song that is caled "When Will I Learn To Live In God" that I just love...it's about how he's having trouble just letting go, thinking he has to go 'to' or give himself up to this thing that is all encompassing and is there either way. The phrase "Live IN god" is one I like a lot. I'm not a christian, but have a close relationship with my higher power, and often have to remind myself that wether I accept it or not, my hp is going to take care of everything. When I am in a more stubborn, controlling, 'my will' sort of place, I have to remind myself a lot harder, and look at how exausted I am after contorting and controling outcomes, how drained I am and how with the unatural fashion it came about, it's not going to stay that way for long without me exausting myself fighting it all over again.

It hink the most helpful thing in something like this for me would be using the serenity prayer, like really using the hell out of it, breaking it down literally--making a list of the things you can change, and cannot, then re-looking at that and seeing how many of the things you 'can change' in this situation are by enforcing your will, becasue you aren't really 'canging' those things, you are controling them (and in the end that always comes back and bites me in the ass). Just for me, this would help a lot, so I thought I would pass on my system if you can get anything from it. It does sound frustrating, definatly, I think that you just have to keep the focus on YOU.

October 17, 2005
11:51 am
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thanks guys.

I am keeping the focus on me.

problem is, I see disaster waiting to happen.

in that, I know that his financial issues could very well destroy us, our relationship. I know I cannot afford to stand by while he sinks deeper and deeper into debt. I can't be with someone long term that won't give up control of his finances to someone that can do it better OR find a way to do better himself.

there are so many loose ends, that the finances will surely destroy.

I am not obsessing. I know it's best that both of us see this clearly, and without emotion. And lately, oh boy do we see it. And he can't blame me on anything anymore, so it's all on his shoulders. Nor am I enabling him, so it's all crashing in on him.

I am not really trying actively to control anything...I am doing a pretty good job of surrendering to my higher power on many issues, tho I have many more to work on. I have stopped actively trying to control them, so I know I have taken the first step.

I just get scared cuz things are too "calm"...the lull is un-nerving. I know the problems with him aren't fixed - yet I am in some kind of quiet acceptance. Which is so unusual for me. I want them to be fixed - at least the old part of me does...I just am afraid of being lulled into false sense of security.

I know that in reality, I have to TRUST that sense I have and not be scared of it, that the right things will happen in their own time - according to HIS will and plan and not mine.

October 17, 2005
11:54 am
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exoticflower
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Ali, I think you are feeling stronger and giving more over to hp than you realize, I thought that post smacked of acceptance and patience.

October 17, 2005
12:21 pm
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yeah, that's what I was thinking.

came back to post that maybe this is how it's supposed to be and is normal.

I certainly feel like a totally different person in that I don't fuss or obsess over stuff like I used to.

but then, do I have anything to fuss over? I suppose I could if I looked - maybe that's what the difference is - I am not looking for the trouble...so I am not finding it.

as I said, it feels like a calm before the storm...I see stuff "brewing", and know it could mean trouble - but not paying it much mind.

It's weird to think that stuff he is doing is still enough to sink this relationship, but it's not affecting me. That worries me more...afraid that something is gonna happen, and things are gonna blow.

I am not conciously turning things over to my higher power - but I have found some unconcious way of doing it I guess. I know that it's a relief to not have to worry so much about things.

I know that I am grateful for what I have these days and verbally say I am thankful frequently.

I know that my higher power has shown his face in many of my recent dilmnas.

I have to laugh - I did NOT want to go to my coda meeting this weekend. I was one week out of the accident and I was HURTING pretty badly. It was also raining miserably, I had not slept and I wanted a day in bed.

so I told my BF, IF it stops raining, I will go to my meeting. IF I wake up in time, I will go to my meeting. IF I feel okay, I will go to my meeting.

and damn it, don't you know, I woke up in time, no alarm clock needed, I slept well and felt okay and it wasn't raining until I got to my meeting. I STILL wasn't gonna go, but figured someone was trying to kick my butt into going.

so I went. It was an uneventful meeting, but it was still good to go.

and the week before that, my higher power took care of the bankruptcy and car issue - tho I am not so thrilled how it happened, but it happened...not thrilled that I got a crappy dodge neon to drive, oh how I miss my hyundai elantra...but it leads me to wonder if my higher power had tried "talking" to me before this and I just wasn't listening, so he had to speak louder.

Anyway, I know that things are happening for the good.

it's just an unnerving experience when you are used to constant chaos and upheaval at every turn.

October 17, 2005
12:22 pm
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lita
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alicat, i just wanted to let you know if you need to talk. iam always here to listen you know that.

October 17, 2005
12:31 pm
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gosh I feel so loved here - I know my higher power led me to this site when I was so down and needed this so much - you all make me feel so blessed...I know I wouldn't have made it this far without this site.

from the frank, bluntness when I was in denial and talking about nothing but him and his excuses, to the gentle shoulder to cry on, to the support, to the cheering squad when I did something right, so the information to help me empower myself.

this site is truly a blessing!

October 17, 2005
12:36 pm
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lollipop3
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HI Ali,

I just read your post, but I have to go back to work so I will respond later.

I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I am here.

Until later....

Love,
Lolli

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