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Trying to stop being used
May 11, 2004
3:00 pm
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curly
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Thanks acj.
I am relishing my small but absolutely amazing victories. What really woke me up to the whole thing - the big picture - was thinking about how I acted and felt in a really emotionally abusive relationship I was in from 1985 to 1987 - only two years but man, was it long. I saw myself doing the same stuff and feeling like I did then. I also realized that NOW I am not as compulsive and crazy or as miserable as I was then - I had matured a little and knew more about myself. Reading all those self-help books did rub off, in spite of myself. I realized that if I approached my current main-squeeze (addictive relationship) from a place of love (faith in and connection with my Higher Power let's me do this), I would let go of my fears and my need to control outcomes. It frees me to be me. Thanks for all your support and encouragement! Hope everyone has a great two-four.

May 11, 2004
3:40 pm
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Trish04
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Curly....you are on the right track. I know that I don't know you, but just from reading your lastest happening, I know that you deserve so much better than you are getting. There are some men that will take and take all they can without giving anything at all. Just keep telling yourself that he is using you and you deserve to have someone who really cares about you. I know this is hard especially if he is the only one in the picture right now. I'm right there with you. Trying to get our of a relationship that is draining me. Zapping every bit of self esteem I had. But I keep telling myself that if this man can't deliever the whole package to me that I want then we are not a match. You do need to start doing things that are fun to you. Go out with girlfriends and laugh. My girlfriends have been godsends to me. I try to keep busy doing fun things so I won't know that I am missing him so much. You will miss him....but you will never find Mr. Right if you are always with Mr. Wrong.

May 11, 2004
3:58 pm
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wings
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I can relate to all of these stories. Why do I stay in my relationship when I am just being used. I get nothing out of it. My boyfriend justs wants to get messed up all the time and he has dragged me down with him. Half the time, I use with him just to numb the pain. I feel like such a weakling for not leaving and it's a vicious cycle...He treats me like crap, gets messed up, I start crying and worrying, he comes home after not knowing where he's been for hours, yells some more and then feels bad the next and says he needs to change. And I know he never will. Even though I live with him, each day I am trying to let a little piece of him go, so that in due time, I will be ready to leave and realize that I do deserve better.

May 11, 2004
4:24 pm
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acj
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Personally, doing it like that is like pulling a hair out of your body.....VERY slowly! I think doing it fast is easier and less painful in the long run.

acj

May 11, 2004
5:22 pm
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curly
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Yes and No, acj. Like wings said, she's trying to let a little piece of him go each day. I have been grieving my loss of my addiction-guy since before Christmas. I'm still involved with him. It hurts like hell to know that it is just not going to work. To know this in your heart but still hang on to glimmers of hope, a few kind words, and apologies...the "only if's". It's the way I have been doing it. We all have our own pace and tolerance level. I started asking myself "Have I hurt myself enough?" Today, after a bunch of little steps - getting him out of my apartment...I see that when I change and stand up for myself, he doesn't have power over me. I gave this power away and I can take it back, a little at a time. It's scary, painful, but after so many months, of banging my head against a wall, something seems to be clicking and I am letting go. How I behave and what I think determines how I feel, not him. I never got this before and I don't think I've really got it now but by George, I have it a little and Hooray for me. On the otherhand, a friend of mine said I have been telling the same story since last year about my guy and how he treated me badly and how sad I felt... My friend said, "If you just break it off totally you will go through one big pain and get it over with or you can go through a lot of little pains and drag it on and on. He is who he is and he isn't going to change unless he wants to and he may never want to." In the meantime, life is passing by fast - jump on wings and fly! When you are ready and have had enough. I can relate!!! Talk tomorrow. I'll pray for us all tonight.

May 11, 2004
5:54 pm
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CAMER
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thats what my shrink said in the past" when you are ready you will break up".But it always seemed like I was never ready, I guess I was afraid of all our dreams being demolished and all our plans.

May 11, 2004
6:23 pm
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Anonymous
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My psychologist tells me that when your glass is full you will leave, but until then you won't

May 11, 2004
11:47 pm
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Zinnie
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I'm a firm believer in the thought process of "this is not working for me" and getting the hell out of dodge.

I had one really bad, abusive relationship. I have to say if it were not for my friends Mom, I would have taken him back in a heartbeat. Do you know what that would have gotten me? He has a drinking/drug problem, cannot hold a job. He has been married seven or eight times, and has put most of his wives in the hospital. He has served time in jail for spouse and child abuse. He is now 41 years old, and has now moved back in with his Mom.

But, at the time I was SO in love. Can you imagine if I had stayed? I would be either black and blue, or dead. Yet, like I said, before talking with Mrs. S., I would have taken him back and done anything he wanted me to do. What she taught me was self respect, and how to love me, and not to settle for anyone that would not treat me the way I treat others.

I came up with my "no buts" list then, and my whole dating life changed. I went out with some guys only once, some a few times. Some lasted a few weeks or months, and I had a good time. I met some really great people, and I met some that I will remember as "the screwiest dates ever" - but all in all, I did what was right for ME.

I have been married twice, very happily so. Tomorrow is my 14 year anniversary... and I have to say, when it's right, it is really good.

All of you deserve that, we all do.

Love to all,

Zin

May 12, 2004
10:47 am
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curly
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Hey Folks-
I did it again - I said NO. And it's only 10:45 a.m. here. My beau asked me come over to see him at lunch- I said I can not I have too much work to do and tonight I made arrangements...His tone changed so I said "What's the matter?" "Bummed out," he replied. I asked why - I really did think something may have happened at work for him...He said, "I hoped I'd see you today." The BAIT I normally swallow hook, line, and sinker. I just repeated "NO" and he said he would call later. AMAZING. I feel so different than I did a week ago. I am not going to wait for the other shoe to drop - I'll deal with that when it happens. In the meantime, love and peace to all!

May 18, 2004
2:54 pm
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curly
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Talk about being an adrenalin junkie - drunks, cops, eviction notices...and just when I thought I was making some headway. I guess I am. I plan on doing the physical removal thing for awhile. Although I still talk to my boyfriend too often. I am not running over there to fix anything. Also I am thinking seriously about being the dumper instead of the dumpee. Or in other words, if we are going to play cat and mouse, I'm going to be the cat. This is NOT healthy thinking but it is where I am right now. Just confronted, firmly and calmly, my roommate who has been nothing but a pain in the ass since she moved in and has been to detox four days and drunk a few - all in 2 weeks. I said "no" to her and I need to learn to look after myself. It's men that I am a sucker for. This is a big issue for me. Anybody out there?

May 18, 2004
4:02 pm
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CAMER
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I used to go to counseling, coda meetings and the word NO came so easy to my then alcoholic boyfriend..sometimes I think these men think that they can control you, but once you stick up for yourself by saying that one word NO, all the men
are just left with themselves...its also a good way to say NO when you want to detach from any problems boyfriends go thru, that way they have to do for themselves.....I love the word no, it does boost my self esteem and know that I do have choices

May 18, 2004
6:34 pm
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Wanttobewell
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When I started saying no to these men, I could see them taken aback. I could also see their sick little wheels turning wondering how they could get me to do what they wanted. The "feel sorry for me" bit is the one they used until they saw it was not going to work. Then they would pretend nothing had happened and try the old way again, just operating the way they used to, askign me to come get them, that type of thing. Once they saw that it would not work, they would finally leave me alone. No is a very good word indeed.

May 25, 2004
2:26 pm
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curly
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I am slowly un-attaching from J. I give up. I hurt myself enough with all the codependent b.s. I've put myself through. Realizing and accepting that I have no control over anything and not taking things personally has been a real eye-opener. I have the power. I need me. I need to love myself. I don't have to change, I just have to love me the way I am and get real. What is real? Generally, what I believe is real to me. What's real to anyone else is impossible for me to know and in all reality, makes no difference to me anyway. All I need is to love me and all of creation and have no expectations and no obligations. No games. I did this yesterday pretty well and didn't need J. at all. I wanted this and that from him but it didn't really matter. It was just a hope - wishful thinking. He wanted to have a few beers...go ahead, no skin off my nose. His whole focus is either getting the next beer or making some money or a deal so he can get more beer. I feel strangely uninvolved with others and involved with my self. I had a little regression there - the "if he loved me he would treat me like I want to be treated and how I BELIEVE I should be treated. If I can change my belief to I am the only one who can know how I want to be treated so that's how I have to treat myself. Sure I can ask for what I want directly but that doesn't mean I am going to get it - that must be what they call letting go of the outcomes. Boy what a relief. No fireworks and swooning but hey - it's reality and besides, if I am truly full of self-love and the big LOVE for all creation then everything can be a blast. I AM ME!
I read the "Mastery of Love - A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship" one of the Toltec Wisdom Book series by Don Miguel Ruiz and it says many of the things that I have been reading for the last 18 years about relationships but the lights went on for me. No I am not going to change - I am going to be me and become more powerfully me day by day. Tha't who I have been needing and missing - ME!

May 25, 2004
6:55 pm
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fairy99
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Your right about loving yourself. We as humans are our own worst enemy and it is so much easier to take the blame than to fix the problem to begin with. Being you will make you more powerful. All to often we don't understand why we can help others but not fix whats wrong with ourselves. Loving one self is a hrd thing to do, but once you see that in order to love another you must love yourself first, things seem to fall into place and the world doesn't seem so dark. I believe in me and I still believe in love, the kind that makes your heart pound and I know that it will find me when it's time. I'm so happy you are feeling better with things, because we all deserve to have it, we just got'a find it. Hugs to you sweetie. Keep thinking those good thoughts and smell those roses.

May 26, 2004
9:42 am
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curly
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Had a scary dream about BF and this woman who I believe is better for him than me, and better than me, and whom BF said when he met her he thought she was the "prettiest little thing I ever saw..." That was almost 20 years ago. Anyway, here I am thinking I am getting the hang of self-love and I have this dream where the two of them get together and they realize they are mutually attracted to each other are drawn to an embrace and find happiness in each other...in the dream I find out inadvertantly and then I awoke with a start and in a lot of pain - had a little cry -dreams can do that to you. I stoppped myself, wrote the whole thing down and tried to get back on the slef-love track but I am very tired and feel weak and vulnerable right now. I have had this fear of them getting together since BF and I started being together almost 2 years ago which is when he told me about how he felt about her when he met her. I have known this woman as a good acquaintance for more years that I have known BF. She is a beautiful person, very unique, an artist...BF is an artist...HELP! I'm losing it.

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