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Trying to heal -- new member
July 5, 2009
9:03 pm
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Gators
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I am new here and looking for support/advice.

After 15 years of marriage and three children I realize that I am codependent on my spouse. I have been codependent all my life. I have finally seen (she has shown me) that I have been emotionally abusive and controlling. She has her own baggage that she has dealt and deals with still but, and actually enabled my codependency on her to a degree. When she finally realized this, she tried to tell me and I finally came around. Yesterday I gave my life back to God and realized I do not NEED her to hide behind or live through.

She took a week vacation yesterday to get away from me and process all that we have been through. I have been enlightened to discover my problems and also am hurting that I hurt her. I now realize that I was living though her and hid behind her because of shame. I was always angry with her because I felt shamed by her (although she never did anything shaming to me).

We want to make this work, but, I am afraid to fall back into the same patterns. Any suggestions on how to stop "asking why" and "not feeling" hurt/disappointed whenever she needs or wants something not involving me? I was very controlling and limited her outside activities through passive aggressiveness. I am so sorry and really want to fix my problem. Any suggestions? Thank you.

July 5, 2009
10:25 pm
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layo
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well i have to say that people find each other for reasons that are not transparent in the beginning. the need to control and to emotionally bully a person comes directly from that person's own insecurities and or fears. you may be totally unaware of the source of your insecurity or fear of loss but it is important to deal with the roots of said problem before you can realistically address the current issue and begin to make changes in your relationship. the hurt and bitterness that may already have evolved can take time to work through and turn around. one thing that is crucial is that once you have identified your own motivations, you are able to focus, really focus, on what she feels and where she sees the new relationship going. she will have issues of her own and trusting you will be one of them. Yes God wants the best for you, but he leaves a lot of the work to us. i guess he figures that with all that he's given us so far, it's the least we can do in appreciation to give it our best shot. i'm sure he gets disgusted when we make victims of ourselves out of apathy or laziness. i know from whence i speak unfortunately, whoops that sounded like a victim!

July 6, 2009
8:19 am
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Gators
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Thanks Layo. I have been doing a lot of work on myself in terms of finding the source. I believe I have identified the sources. I am going to a therapist tomorrow to start the process of cementing my understanding of the source. I realize this will be a process. Thank you for your response.

July 6, 2009
8:43 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Just a word of caution guys, we aren't allowed to talk about religion on this side. That is for the Liberation Brew side only. I know, I know, I know...but some used religion to be abusive to people really reaching out for help. I am a Christian so it irritates me as well but play by the rules.

Gators, I applaud you for realizing this about yourself. Sounds as though your wife has been establishing her own boundaries and that is good. I personally have learned through a failed marriage and an abusive relationship, that no one will EVER dominate my life again. I will do what I want, when I want, and how I want. Accept me as I am. I cannot tell you what doors have opened to me since I started focusing on myself and my daughter. I always tell people that "love thy neighbor as thyself" begins with loving yourself first. Good luck to you.

Bitsy

July 13, 2009
9:55 pm
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Gators
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Bitsy,
Sorry I didn't catch the religion ban. Will remember to do so in the future. Update: My wife asked for a divorce, when she got back. I was devasted, she was devasted. After a day of reflection she reconsidered for one week. ::sigh:: It now appears her issues are much bigger than we thought and my issues have only made her issues worse. She doesn't see hope, but is willing to take one more look.

I welcome anyone's positive thoughts and wishes, as we continue on.

July 13, 2009
10:07 pm
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CAMER
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i guess all you can do is work on yourselfs individually and then as a couple, if you both choose to work on the marriage.

Why do you think you may fall back into the same pattern?? and what pattern is that??

July 14, 2009
7:43 am
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{{{{{hugs}}}}}

Bitsy

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