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Trying to get over cheating wife
May 18, 2006
1:13 pm
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smarterone
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I am sorry for your problem and understand your pain. I also feel that this is between you and your wife. Your child was not abused by this and it is so important to have a mother. Im sure he has no idea why this is happening but you can be certain that eventually you will be the bad person that took his mommy away. I would find out if there is a problem that has caused her action and get help for it. What ever course you take, depriving your son is not the answer just making another problem. Good luck

May 18, 2006
2:34 pm
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reachingout
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People seem to look at things differently when it's the man with the kid I am a mother with a daughter and by no means would I let her go somewhere I wasn't sure was safe you know your wife and what kind of parent she is I think any child should always have both parents and my ex can see his daughter anytime he wants but not in bad setting and as Dr Phil says children would rather come from broken home than live in one

May 18, 2006
3:08 pm
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Matteo
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reachingout

"children would rather come from broken home than live in one" - what do yoy mean by this?

smarterone,

Do you seriously think that children don't feel what is going between the parents and that a behaviour of sex addict parent, whoever that parent is, which tremendously affects the other partner, goes unnoticed by the children and they live in an illusion of having happy home? Do you really think that children present in an abusive dituation don't know it, even if they don't see?

I absolutely disagree that children should have two-parent family, no matter what. In many cases having one happy parent is much better than having two parents. And in some cases it is better for the children if they don't see the non-custodial parent, because they continue their abuse on rgeir children, even long after they are not living with the other parent, no matter what dr. Phil has to say about it. I am not saying that the second case applies here, but certainly the first one does. Gender of the parent doesn't have anything to do with it.

May 18, 2006
3:19 pm
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gingerleigh
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Matteo, I think you might be interpreting the quote incorrectly. I believe the quote means that children would rather come from a split household, where mom and dad got divorced, than to come from a home where mom and dad were together but completely dysfunctional.

May 18, 2006
3:26 pm
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Matteo
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Thank you, gingerleigh.

My brain froze, which always does when I hear someone saying that abuse in order to affect children has to be directed at them, and the most important thing in the world is having two parents, no matter what they do to their spouses.

May 18, 2006
3:32 pm
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taj64
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Dr. Phill did say that but I took it to mean that the present time children should live out of a broken home than to live in one. I personally agree with everything you said. Children definately know when the parents or one parent is unhappy. Im a single parent myself and my kids know perfectly well of this. They sense when I am happy or unhappy and any parent thinks that the kids are not affected by it are in denial. Of course you don't want your kids to feel your unhappiness but to shut them out is not right either. But at the same time, this child is very young, only three years old and I have heard that when children are very young that both parents should stay together at long as they can tolerate each other and be civil but underneath I feel this is wrong too. Especially when it is blatent infidelity going on. What does it teach your children, they are intelligent creatures and they often can figure it out even if parent tries to hide it. Think of all the homes out there where there is a cheating parent and the children grow up and cheat themselves. I know, i was the other woman and my kids know about my affair. I talk to them now but at the time it was wrong of me, and I tried to hide it but they knew I was unhappy. Now I tell them and openly tell them this is wrong, and not to do this. My kids are older though. I don't think you can call it bad parenting to get yourself out of an abusive relationship and putting up with infidelity continuosly is abusive. My ex boyfriend claims that his marriage is very volatile. He had quite a few affairs before me and she also had one as well. And I know his kids were exposed to this and they are young. Im doing my best to learn what I can from this experience and teach my children not to accept this type of behavior. And I let them know I was wrong to be in it. And how it affects everyone involved. My children are understanding and grateful that I am open with them.

May 21, 2006
6:29 pm
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SingleBeachDad
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Monday I was going to try to cut her off, I became so depressed, It was the worst day I’ve had since we separated. I was an emotional wreck just thinking about her out of my life. I couldn’t do it and we talked things out. Well, both my wife and I had separate counseling on Thursday, then marriage counseling that evening. She is saying she wants to work things out. I want to believe her, but have doubts in my mind. Is she just doing this because she is financially in trouble, is she trying to get her daughter back? Etc. She has already played me once is she doing it again? I told her that she can't have her daughter when she is at "her" place because of her male roommate and she said she understood and that since we were getting along, she didn't want to "rock the boat". The therapist agreed with me that she can't be going out to the bars and that "we" need to go out. So Saturday, her the kids and I went to the beach then back to the house for dinner and a movie. The kids and I had a very enjoyable time, we kept the contestation lite. She ended up spending the night. Now today my emotions are on roller coaster again. Trying to focus on myself and the kids help. Sometimes I think this marriage is what I want, but then I think about all the wrong she has done and that I need to find someone better who deserves my Love. Although I don't feel strong enough to. What a struggle!!

May 21, 2006
6:59 pm
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bonni
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SingleBeachDad,
YOU deserve your love and your daughter deserves your love. I even think your wife deserves your love, but the love I'm talking about is not romantic love. I hate to talk about my faith openly as i feel its very private, but I think of it as letting God's love work through us when we love others, especially those others who aren't loving us back. (my daughter right now for example)

Its very important to your daughter that her parents can get along well enough to raise her. I hope that you will try to focus on the basic friendship and solid communication skills and not allow the desire for romance and sex distract you from the core. I don't know the extent of the sexual abuse, but I thought that victims of sexual abuse often used sex to get what they want, rather than other methods (because this is all they learned as a child?). Its possible that this will work out and your marriage can be repaired, but it might not. I have certainly used sex with dh to avoid talking about the real issues. (Though I did finally talk, when I was ready).

I know this is hard, but right now, you are the only stable one in your daughter's life. You are also vulnerable to what your wife is going through. I hope you will protect your heart as you protect your daughter. I do not believe your wife is healthy enough emotionally to be able to be in a mature adult relationship yet. You are in a better position to judge that.

bonni

May 21, 2006
8:48 pm
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SingleBeachDad
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Bonnie, I couldn't agree more. I struggle with the issue of God's Love and forgiveness in all of this also. Sometimes I feel that I should just move on and that there is a bigger plan in all of this. And then I wonder if I should be learning to forgive and have the faith of a mustard seed. Some would say I'm being naive. I will never loose sight of my daughters well being, If I was going to be resentful I would have taken my daughter away completely. We both need to work on our communication skills, If we had that, I don't beleive we would be in this mess to start with.

May 22, 2006
5:47 pm
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nappy
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I come to realize people that we all have choices in life. Either we going to live with the pain, or we are going to help ourselves.
Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, If this is what I want, then so be it. If not then it is time for me to move on.
There is so much control in this world that people don't even understand that word. we can not control how and what the other person is doing. We can only hope and pray that everything is alright. But if they are not and you are not happy, then there is a problem. If your wife cheated on you, then that is what she wanted to do. You are trying to hold on to something that has hurted you very much. Can you truly tell me that if everything was alright now with your wife that, that little piece in the back on your mind will never come back up again. (her cheating) It will especially if you didn't know why she cheated in the first place. People knows what they are doing when they cheat. They just hope that they don't get caught. And when they do, they are not the one that is hurting, it is the other person. Cheating break the bond of trust.

May 23, 2006
7:10 am
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bonni
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Nappy,
I think cheating hurts everyone. There are no winners. I almost cheated on my dh, and actually dh appears to have been least affected. The man I was with was miserable, I was miserable and dh just smiled and held me when I told him what happened.

The way my life is, isn't what I want. But I figure I will make the best of it for the next 12 years because that's whats best for my children.

Bonni

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