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Trying to do whats best, but I keep failing. Help
March 3, 2006
1:20 pm
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ryny143
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Hey everyone! Let me just start off by saying how thankful I am for this website. It really helps with everything! Thank you all!!!

Ok so I want to stop wasting time with the emotional rollercoaster, but first I need to make some decisions, on issues I have no experience with! For everyone who doesnt know my relationship history, here it is in a nutshell~ 4 years with my bf, with the same issues throughout the years. We have no trust in eachother, he puts me down all the time, and for the past few months I have been the needy one, and I think its because of his lack of communication and lack of respect for my feelings. Why being treated so crappy makes me MORE needy of him? I dont know.

I know it should be over already, but my feeling fluxuate according to whats going on with us, and how I am feeling that day, so I dont really know what to do. I need to decide if I should go to Relationship Counseling with him, go to counseling ALONE, start going to Co-Dep. group meetings, or something else....

I am getting no where in the process, so I need another step to be taken. I just really wish that when he treats me so badly, I could take it for what it is, break up with him, and STICK TO IT! Do I need like electric shock therapy? Narcotics? He called me in the middle of me writing this and I am SHAKING now bc I am so mad. What is wrong with me and what should I do?????????

March 3, 2006
1:45 pm
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artist 2
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It's the most difficult thing to do in the world, but once you do it... oh, the changes for the better you will experience!

Try the no-contact club. If you want to break up with him (which I congratulate you for--he does not treat you well!), tell him you don't want to see him any more. If he asks why, be prepared to number the list. You are doing him a favor too. Maybe he'll make some changes. If not, you are on your way to a better life.

After you break up with him, you control whether you respond to his calls, his emails, etc. You should only respond if he is going to be civil to you. If not, he loses out. Because you won't stand for bad treatment. You are out the door if he tries it.

Simply decide to not contact him for at least thirty days. It's difficult, but each day it gets easier and easier. Plan you month day by day so you'll have plenty of activities to fill up all that time you normally would spend with him or on the relaitonship.

Good luck! come back and tell us how it's going.

March 3, 2006
2:10 pm
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ryny143
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30 days!!! Yikes!!! I have trouble going 30 minutes after the fights we have!!! See heres the cycle- I will not talk to him, and when I do get the apology and the civil attitude, I respond. But it only lasts a few days. I also think I am just scared that he will be fine without me, and I wont. When I try to break up with him, his careless "good go be with someone else- I did NOTHING wrong" attitude, makes me so mad and hurt (bc of all I've put up with from him), I feel the need to contact him & find out WHY he doesnt care if we are together, etc etc......

March 3, 2006
2:13 pm
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artist 2
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If he's unwilling to go to a counselor with you, then why do you stick around for more of his abuse?

March 3, 2006
2:26 pm
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kathygy
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ryny,

"We have no trust in eachother, he puts me down all the time, and for the past few months I have been the needy one, and I think its because of his lack of communication and lack of respect for my feelings. Why being treated so crappy makes me MORE needy of him? I dont know. "

It sounds like your childhood wounds are driving you. How were you treated as a child?

Don't worry about his atitude if you break up. You really have no idea who he wound feel. He sounds so dysfunctional that I seriously doubt he would feel happy. he's a mess.

Rather worry about yourself and taking care of you. Going to individual therapy sounds like a very smart idea. I suspect his issues run too deep for couples counseling. You need to get yourself out of this relationship and a good therapist can help you do that.

Coda meetings can be very helpful too.

You deserve to have a stable, loving relationship. This man can not give that to you. He has demonstrated that over and over again.

March 3, 2006
2:37 pm
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ryny143
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Kathygy- You are very smart & encouraging! I have been to therapy, and have heard similar things re: childhood, but in all honesty, I cant see what could have made me feel like this. I have always lived with just my mother, who has been my best friend since I was a little kid. Now I am 23 and she still is (despite some differences here & there). My father was an alcoholic, but my mother divorced him when I was 2 or 3- I hadnt spoken to him until I was 19. The rest of my family has always been pretty great for the most part, up until lately- but in childhood- great. I dont know. But I think I will try a therapist that focuses on codependency, or maybe even the codep. meetings. I just need to let go of my mindset that everything I do has to involve changing HIM. All he does is let me down. I wish he'd go to individual therapy but he is SO against it. His older brother molested him when he was 9, so maybe some of his issues stem from that? WHo knows- but I am not a therapist, so I guess I cant help him!!! (I am going for my masters in social work though- I think all the craziness has inspired me to study psychology! At least something good came from it!!!) Thanks again!

March 3, 2006
3:44 pm
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artist 2
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Go for the Master's in Counseling... you can do the same kind of help, and get paid more.

March 3, 2006
3:55 pm
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ryny143
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Really??!! I have my BA in education and I was going to go for the PhD or PsyD, but gettinginto grad schools for psych is INSANE. Whats the diff. between Masters in Social Work vs Counseling? Same amount of schooling?

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