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Trying to decide
February 22, 2006
10:19 am
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lightchaser
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My Alcoholic husband and I have been married for 13 years. We have a 3 year old daughter together. My h gets drunk 3-4 times per week and verbally abuses me. 3 weeks ago he shoved me into the refridgerator. That's the first time he ever was physical with me. i told him if he didn't stop drinking I would leave. Now he's been sober for 21 days and last night asks me if that's long enough. I told him it will never be long enough. I spend everyday wondering if this is the day he will drink and then I plan my escape route. My heart pounds whenever i think about it. i feel guilty because he's trying and guilty because I expect him to fail. i almost wish he would fail so I could go. My head wants to go but my heart won't let me. I feel so sorry for him, and sometimes I love him still. I am in a twisted mess and wonder who else out there has been in this situation and can give me advise on what to do. Help!!

February 22, 2006
10:45 am
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heartbeat
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Lightchaser,
I don't know if I can help other than to say that I too am married for 14 years. My husband stopped drinking for 10 years and for the last four years has started drinking again. He stated he didn't know if he wanted to be married any more three years agao and since then has kept on drinking. He now says he wants to stay married, but we are like roommates. No physical touch, no emotional support, no communication. I too want to go, but something stops me. I am afraid and I can't put my finger on what. Financial? Being alone? (I'm already alone) Maybe he'll have an epiphany in his life. I don't know. What has helped me is support groups like this and Al-Anon and my own pursuit of changing me and how I think. It's been a long road, but it has made me stronger and I have made changes to make sure I can take care of myself emotionally and I am still working on financially. It is very hard to leave someone you love, but at the same time his choices of what kind of life he wants is affecting my life in a very negative way. What do you do - leave a life of 14 years that has developed into chaos and throw in the towel OR move on and try to have a better life. Keep searching and reaching out to others who have been through this and have come out on the other end. I have always learned something from each person that helped me see things I didn't see because I was ignorant to my own issues. Being co-dependent. I believe being co-dependent is something I will always have to be aware of in my life when it relates to intimacy and I am determined to realize in my heart that I am worthy of respect, love, and consideration; that I can have power in a relationship and I am not always at the mercy of what the alcoholic can or cannot do in this marriage. Pray and seek God and he will always guide you in the right direction even if it seems like it's forever; this is a life long process and I am going to believe that for me I will be happy and free of this dilema.

February 22, 2006
10:52 am
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mj
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No one should ever accept physical violence. You don't deserve it. Your child doesn't deserve to witness it. Please be safe. You deserve to be safe. Do you have a My sisters Place or Domestic Violence Center in your area? You can call them and ask for information to help get you through this. Love to YOU and know you are important.

February 22, 2006
11:23 am
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caraway
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Light,

You probably are aware that if your husband tries to quit for you it will not work. This is something that he has to want more than anything else.

You deserve to happy, safe, and your child deserves the same. Trust your instincts.

Thinking of you today.

Cary

February 22, 2006
12:11 pm
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lightchaser
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thank you all for your responses. I guess my main problem with leaving is I am deathly afraid of the conflict that would follow or precede my leaving. I don't know how to tell him because I know he will cry and grovel, etc. . . or he will yell and name call. probably both. Just the thought of that conflict practically kills me. I don't want to be that bad one, you know. I want him to be the bad one and I want this to be his fault not mine. It's ridiculous, I know, but true all the same. Thank you so much for reaching out. Just reading your posts makes me want to cry. I have been pretty lonly.

February 22, 2006
12:20 pm
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taj64
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Avoiding conflict is no reason to postpone. You coannot control what his reaction will be. I went through this when I separated from my alcoholic husband. I could not take living with him but I put it off for fear of the unknown. Yes he cried and it made me feel guilty. But that was the story of the marriage, he always had a way to make me feel guilty, that I became unsupportive after many many attempts for him to be sober and I got tired of holding everything together and always being there and not getting much in returned. When you start to think about your own needs, what is best for you, fear is just that, fear.There is no way you are going to avoid a conflict. Either way, you are facing conflict. Think about the long range rather than the short range.

February 23, 2006
7:24 am
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hopeful for change
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lightchaser - you already know that you just can't stay where someone is physically abusive. Do you want your daughter to be destroyed by all of this? I mean it screws up their little heads when the witness this stuff. I know what you mean about the whole, ok was that long enough. I to am married to an alcoholic, planning my escape...It's hard to be a single mother financially. I just am sick of living a lie with his "clean and sober" that lasts a few weeks. Then I give my all and the cycle continues. I am just sick of it.

Have you read "what addicts do" the thread on this site?

February 24, 2006
9:44 am
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lightchaser
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No, I haven't read that, but I will. I need a little insight on that. Last night he asked me if he could drink a beer and I said, " I'm not responsible for giving you permission to do that, you are. You do what you have to do, and I'll do what I have to do." So, he had six beers, the 16 ouncers. We actually got along fine and had a really good conversation, but once again I think he knows I am at the end of my rope and so he plays along and acts like he understands because he wants to keep me. I started going to therapy and will go every week. I think this will help me be strong. Maybe if I like myself more I will be able to quit thinking that things will change. I guess maybe I need to let go of the hope that ties me to him.

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