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TRYING TO DATE BUT AFRAID TO GET HURT
January 13, 2003
11:27 am
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I have several men that are interested in me but i am afraid to even go out on a date. I am afraid of letting any one near me again i don't want to get hurt again. I feel like such a baby my feelings are numb, i don't think i have any feelings anymore, can't pinpoint it, i have no energy, no motivation i have to pick myself up, only i have this control, i would have thought that the older you get the stronger you are, well as i get older it seems i get weaker

January 13, 2003
12:01 pm
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How long since your relationship officially ended, Pam? Maybe your gut is trying to tell you something, it might be a little too soon. Even if your past relationship was the pits for a long time before it was really "over", there is still a lot of healing to be done before you might want to put yourself out there again. Remember that a soft and loving touch on a fresh burn will feel like a cruel prod with a hot poker, so go easy, go slow, and do what feels right to you. It's OK to say no to dating, and it's OK to say yes to socializing if you are looking for friendship or human interaction. It's OK to say no to the social interactions too... be patient with yourself 🙂

January 13, 2003
2:09 pm
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i agree it has been probably the first of last year when it was over but we finally split in october, i just have this emptiness inside me and i guess i need my self esteem boasted up it has been so depleted, that i need to socialism and maybe being attracted to make sense, i have been told that no one will want an old woman like me for so long that i need to feel like i belong somewhere

January 13, 2003
2:52 pm
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And who told you that (i.e. that no one would want "an old woman like you")? Is it coming from someone you respect and admire and want to be like? (I don't know for sure, but I *highly* doubt it.) Turning the attention away from dating for a moment... what does your social and support circle look like? Do you have any girl friends that you can call on for support, or just for a good time doing things you enjoy? You could do things out and about together, like seeing movies, eating out, going to museums, festivals, just to name a few things, or even entertain each other in your own homes if going out doesn't appeal. Building your confidence and circle of friends can happen on this very platonic level, and it's great, especially if you got isolated from friends during your last relationship. It's really good to reconnect with that.

January 13, 2003
6:27 pm
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pam please don't listen to stuff like that. Older what's that????? we are as young as we feel.

I know what it feels like to want to date believe me when I tell you that. How about today you take care of your needs, be good to you go take a nice warm bubble bath, surrounded with gentle music do things that make you happy and then give yourself a big hug because you made YOU happy, you did it. When we depend on others to make us happy then the happiness fades away and then we are back on our journey looking for that next fix of happiness.

January 13, 2003
7:03 pm
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Oh boy Pam, let me guess, the ex told you that right? Geesh...

Such verbal abuse to keep you under control....just do like GL said, consider the source...

Sounds like you are so depressed my dear, and you've only really faced the issue since October, right? I think it's putting alot of pressure on yourself to go out and have fun with another man. I just think you arent ready for that yet. If you are disappointed in the date, it will only solidify your negative feelings and do you want to do that to yourself? You have to be happy with you first, ...give yourself time. You will know when you're ready, you wont be questioning it, you'll be excited about it. Go really easy on yourself Pam.

Do these guys seem nice? Do they seem like maybe "lunch"..? Not an intimate dinner or anything, but an afternoon date where you can see if you enjoy his company? Just a thought, how's your physical health these days? And you're not old, hell, my mom got remarried after 52 years with my dad, at age 71 !

January 13, 2003
7:44 pm
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hell just go out and do it. I felt just like you when I left Sybil the first time, then went out on a date, and felt like I was 16 again. Let the magic work. It ain't forever, but you will get in touch with you, your magic, and if its the pits, move on to number 2. Work the anxiety in your favor. Its hard to remember how to live after spending so much time dying. I know, I know

January 13, 2003
8:18 pm
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Hi Pam: Hang in there. You sound like a wonderful person. You have to do what is comfortable for you and take care of yourself. I think you need to just give yourself some time. Go out if you want to but don't feel pressured right now. You said that you thought the older you got the stronger you would be. You are stronger in many areas but have just lost your confidence right now. Believe in yourself and be good to yourself.

January 14, 2003
11:03 am
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it is really hard to let go of someone that you love alot, and stood by that person through thick and then but i know that he isn't in control of his own life nevertheless he could at least call me and let me go instead of letting me find out for myself and wanting to know why should i care and as far as girlfriends that is what took off with my husband in the first place i don't think i will ever let any one female that close to me again she really killed me

January 14, 2003
5:58 pm
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Pam, I hear ya..and you're so right.

You've been hurt so bad and it is not easy to get over it, no matter how bad he made you feel. You just can't turn off the love, I know.

You've really been double whammied with your girlfriend and your husband, I'm so sorry for you.

I can only add that it does get better with time, and my guess is that you will trust someone again. When you begin dating, seeing other men, just remember this pain and be real selective if you're thinking of getting serious...but hey, that's way in the future....just let people be your friends for now, don't have to be your "best" friends, just regular friends with whom you can be yourself and have some fun...you really CAN have fun again...keep taking it one day at a time...stay busy...he is the loser in this, not you. ((((((Pam)))))

January 14, 2003
6:53 pm
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We humans are a strange breed, we adapt and become those that we associate with, some how. I would imagine that your life took a strange twist when you met your husband and you suddenly found your self with others that maybe had different value systems than you did before you met hubby. Let live and love some of us were taught, yet... all those trivial things that were explained away became a big mountain of crap, that caused tension, and fighting, because you couldn't get it, or didn't agree, sat back and let the mountain grow until you just couldn't take it any more. Maybe that is how you aquainted your self with this supposed girl friend. How fun, can go to evil in a NY second is beyond me. However now that you are on your own, your core value systems are being restored, you'll make better choices based on the experience that you have endured. Hind sight is sometimes like 20/20 vision, and now that you are away from the powerful influence, (ex hubby) you'll make different choices in the quality of friends that you meet, and those that you let come close to you when you feel more comfortable with this rebirth of your self. At least that is what I keep telling my self. The guy you meet at the church social is going to be cut from a totally different cloth, than the guy at the happy hour at the corner bar, no ? I think you have a good list of what you don't want in a man, and that in its self is insight, as to what you will be looking for before you go on that date. Because you have been on this site for so long, you allready know what the charmer manipulator looks like the narcissistic, and the drug addict, or alcoholic, and hell that is more information than we had at 16, right ? That is the great thing about being our age, wisdom that we got the hard way maybe but it is still wisdom. Looks mean nothing, bank accounts mean nothing, character stands out in neon. Just a few questions on line, over the phone, or at the coffee shop, and your miles ahead of when you were younger, and I know that you won't settle for less this time around, because you know where that goes. yea, its been a long strange trip, but the road is still before us. We can feel the fear regarding that big jump in the pool, but there is no big hurry to jump off that diving board until we are sure of the temperature of the water, we can just keep jumping up and down till we are ready, and comfortable. Time is on our side, and we are worth waiting for don't ya think, there is pleanty to do inbetween . there are so many loosers out there, we could be busy every second with a new John. But we know what John is all about don't we ? So we have our list and will wait for the right sequence of answers, and then go slow. lessons we have learned from that immediate gratifacation thing all us humans have. Its ok to be demanding of certain things, Its ok to be picky, its ok to stay home too.
There are lots of good folk out there the trick is to be patient, search in the right places, and don' comprimise the list. pain lets us know we are still alive, to think that there won't be a disapointment here and there is nuts, it will happen. How many frogs does one kiss till they find a prince , you don't know until you start kissing !

January 15, 2003
11:00 am
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Well said, Molly.

Pam, you are going through an appropriate phase of your post-relationship development. I remember when you left in October you were very heated and angry. Now you are in a different phase. Maybe like 'post-grieving suspicion'?

It sounds like you are feeling lonely and maybe a little depressed. Try different things outside of the relationship arena to please yourSelf. Don't let yourself get too down and, if you think you may be getting depressed, see a doctor to help you get over it quicker. It is very understandable for you to feel the way you are right now. Even though time is moving a bit slower now, things will get better. Take care of yourself as you take one step at a time to healing.

Jenny

January 15, 2003
12:00 pm
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thanks to all it is funny how people on the outside looking in can see things a whole lot clearer than the one in the situation, i had blinders on and i guess that is why i feel such a fool and i keep recalling certain things that happened and realizing that i was right in my assumption, i am doing things for myself, i am doing my nails, hair, buying myself clothes that i couldn't afford otherwise i am more or less doing what i want but it is by myself, for some reason i don't want to be by myself too much idle time on my hands to think, but taking karoke on as a hobby is really alot of fun and i am buying a karoke machine used but it is a good deal, i really enjoy doing it, for right now that is my saving grace thanks for all of your help

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