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Trying to come to terms with what it is to be co-dependent and my story. (very long)
February 23, 2006
4:35 pm
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sird
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I have just joined this post and from what I have read thus far it can assist me greatly in my rehabilitation. To give you a little background, I have been plagued by bad relationships all my life. I came from a household where I was the middle child between two sisters. My mother was physically and verbally abusive. My father was indifferent except when he was telling me how disappointed he was in me. He also accused me on several occasions of being a homosexual in my early teens. Just to clarify I have nothing whatsoever against the gay community but coming from my father who was a major homophobe and bigot it was a major insult. Anyway, as I mentioned, as far back as I can remember my relationships were pretty bad. Most of them ended with me having severe abandonment and separation anxiety. I have lived with it for 45 years telling myself all the way it was the women I was choosing. Just recently however I lost what I thought was the love of my life. I had finally had enough. After that I began searching the Internet for reasons and answers. I stumbled on a site “How to tell if you are co-dependent”. I felt like the description should have had my name by it. I have made an appointment to go see a therapist.
Just to give all of you an indication of what my relationships have been like I offer you my latest failure. The “love of my life” kicked me out of her house in the middle of the night after a 14-month relationship. She also accepted my whole paycheck for the month of January ($4,500.00 under false pretenses) so I had nowhere to go and no money. She didn’t seem to mind that she had just made me homeless. In fact a friend saw her Yahoo personal profile and sent it to me. It had a very sexy picture and a caption that read, “Watch out boys I’m single again” posted exactly one week to the day after she kicked me out. The end came because of an argument that started because I insist she tell me what was going on with her. I also accused her of cheating. For the better part of a month I knew something was wrong and she wasn’t talking. I had to make my own assumptions. The first year we were best friends and lovers. We never fought and always had a great time together. Prior to the end of October she would send me cards and e-mails regularly indicating I was her soul mate, telling me how much she loved me and telling me how I completed her. By the end of November I didn’t recognize who she was anymore. Around that time she started a new job and over the coarse of a month and a half began to withdraw both emotionally and physically (sexually).
Her childhood was simply awful. She told me that from 12 to 15 two teenage sons of her mother’s boyfriend had sexually assaulted her. When she confronted her mother with it she refused to acknowledge it. Her father basically abandoned her when she was 10. In her adult life she had been convicted of a felony for theft and forgery, been a stripper, and has had a very promiscuous sexual history. Most of you here probably would have run the other way when they learned all this (and there is much more, too much to document). Not to sound cold but there are some people who need professional help. I didn’t see that. I believed her when she told me it was all in her past. I was wrong of course. It has also been my tendency to date woman with a somewhat questionable pasts or that came from dysfunctional families.
It has been a month and a half since the breakup and I hear from a mutual acquaintance that she has already found a new love interest (she also feels the need to e-mail me even though I have asked her not to and drop little hints about how happy she is without me and telling me where she spent Valentines Day weekend). I have not attempted to contact her in any way even though I left a few articles of clothe over there. It still cuts to the bone and I don’t want to risk being faced with the truth of it. Even though it is pretty obvious. I always suspected she was seeing someone else thus the abrupt change in attitude. Of course as in all my failed relationships my heart is broken. It is hard to face the days knowing that the person I put all that trust into cared so little. Still I remain optimistic. It is my hope that with therapy, news groups like this one, and support groups that I may one day find my “center”. I so desperately want to be normal and make the right choices.
Any advice anyone can give would be much appreciated.

February 23, 2006
4:55 pm
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gingerleigh
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Welcome to the site, and thanks for sharing your story. My biggest piece of advice for you and for myself too is to be patient with yourself and good to yourself, and trust that you are exactly where you need to be in this moment, even if you aren't all that certain about the big picture today.

February 24, 2006
12:54 pm
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Notsure
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Getting over it will take a little time.

I would continue no-contact and not respond to her.

Go slow in your next relationship and (unless you can deal with it and are willing to accept unexpected consequences)avoid people who are unhealthy and have too much baggage.

How did she get your entire paycheck is my question.

Good luck.

Regards. Notsure

February 24, 2006
1:03 pm
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sird
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Notsure,

I always gave her my pay check the beginning of the month. I can see now that it was a huge mistake and part of my condition. What I should have done is paid for my part. Which would represent about 1/5 of what I was giving her every month. I trusted and lost big. Thanks for the great advice btw. I know now from what I have learned that I must be more careful and approach a relationship with less intensity and always reserve a part of me. I had in the past immersed myself 100%
SirD

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