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Trying Not To Sleep With My New Friend
May 25, 2006
11:47 am
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toward_freedom
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September 30, 2010
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Thanks, balancesekr!

I didn't sleep with him. I didn't even dance with him or flirt with him or anything else. One of our buddies noticed some chemistry between us and I said "Hey, we play in a band together. That's all that is."

I was sitting behind him and wishing I could cuddle up to him, and I just told myself over and over again "that's love addiction . . . don't go there" and I got through the night just fine. This guy and I are pals and I am DETERMINED to keep it that way. Posting here sure helps a lot!

May 25, 2006
11:52 am
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balancesekr
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Good for you. I know it must be tough, but we have to think things out and look out for ourselves.

Posting here is saving me right now! Talk to you soon.

May 26, 2006
4:28 pm
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caliseth
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hi towardsf and balancesekr:

i hope you have a pretty good day. i haven´t been here for a week. i believe strongly that i have a FUTURE, because i am working hard for my present.
when we have been so hurt, it is difficult to have a clear sight of what we can really enjoy of life, that surely there will be a tomorrow filled with love, and that our life will totally recover....

i find myself trying so hard to close the door of my ¨ex´ and then advance, that i lost it, i was aching all time. believe me, i have gone through a lot of books, music, courses, to find myself the force to get my life back again. and all of this it does have helped me alot. but it is true, that in no other person, or thing, or material ground you will find your peace, because it is in you, in your own power to arise from this heartache and do the things you know are right for you. when i was in this narcissist relationship, i felt abused, and felt that i was humilliating myself, inside of me i knew i had to stop this, ended, but i was so afraid, to loose the contact...
now i think that to love myself, or anothers, i have to be feeling very good about my own attitude, my own actions, i need to know where i want to go, or then other will take me into his rollercoaster and just took advantage. and we are exposed, for fear of being alone, for the need of love, for the things we want, but think that we will find them in a couple, and not in us, by us....

everything you do do it for you, let it be for you, don´t let someone put the limmits in your life, if you feel in your heart that this relationship is not leding you where you want to be, then act, because our heart can´t be wrong. when we find that to love is to detach of all things, then we will not suffer, and our life quality is going to increase, because then, everything that comes we will not see it as punishment, we will be strong to face it, to have atachment means we want things happen the way we expect them to fit in our created world, and when it doesn´t then we suffer.
i am sure you know exactly the way you want your life to be, and after all the bad things on the last relationship, maybe you think you can´t be heding for another relationship now, but this is not true, as long as you don´t betray yourselves, what you really want in a relationship, this will come to work out fine. i like when you put your limmits and be honest of the fact that we may turn to get in the same type of relationship again, but th4 thing is that i hear it from whidbey, and i now believe it more and more, when you have been in a n. relationship and you loose contact, you will recover and then, if you have realized that you were abused, you will not go back to another bad relationship of this kind again. in all things, whne we have grown up to act in some way, we tend to go back to old habbits, but when you realize, like you have, tf, that you can be proud of yourself, well, this means that you have all in your favor, because you are giving yourself the best gift, you leern to value your person and love your how you are, so no more abuse is permitted.
we will get through this, and pain and deception will go away. now, don´t force to close the door behind you and loose power on that, no, focus on the one that is in front of you and loose fear to open it up. we are not the same, otherwise, we wouldn´t be here accepting we have a problem,this already transform our possibilities.

for me, this site is more than a good book, you are all part of my life now.

May 29, 2006
10:22 pm
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toward_freedom
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Hi,

Thanks everyone for your support. Unfortunately . . . I blew it! I slept with him. 🙁

If there's one good thing in the middle of all this it is that I don't find myself fantasizing about what he will and won't do now that we've slept together a couple of times. He has met my expectations and my expectations haven't been unrealistic. For instance we've talked about how our primary relationship is friendship and music collaboration and he's called me every other night to talk about music, same as before. I didn't expect 10 emails and 3 phone calls a day, in fact the emails and calls have tapered off a little but he hasn't ditched me - we actually still talk a lot but it feels more balanced.

But I know (and he knows) that we're in dangerous territory here. I'm feeling okay and able to focus on what I have going in my life but I'm dreading telling my therapist about this. It's almost like I've chosen someone to have a fling with who really isn't available for a full-fledged relationship so that I can "fling" without compromising my life. Hmm, maybe I am a "love avoidant" instead of a "love addict" or maybe there are elements of both.

love, t_f

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