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Trying Not To Sleep With My New Friend
May 12, 2006
11:12 am
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toward_freedom
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Hey everyone . . .

I've been posting on the No Contact thread a lot but now I have another issue I'm struggling with.

I have a new guy friend. We're attracted to each other and spend a lot of time together because we're involved in a music project and it is going very well.

We talked yesterday about the sexual tension between us. I told him point blank that the next guy I sleep with is going to be a boyfriend, and I listed a bunch of reasons why I didn't think he would be a good boyfriend for me nor I a good girlfriend for him. He agreed with those reasons and we both agreed to keep ourselves in check.

We spent the evening together working on our music project and watching a movie together. I slept on his couch. He was super sweet to me and I felt some of the tension dissipate as the evening progressed. This morning things were fine.

I thought as I drove home, if we had slept together or done anything sexual, my day today would have been ruined - wondering if he liked me, if he wanted to be in a relationship with me, etc. etc. So I'm proud of myself for not train-wrecking things.

But I'm going to need to keep posting on here to keep my head clear, because I know myself too well. He seems to have better boundaries than I do, and I'm working on my boundaries . . .

Thanks for listening, everyone!

May 12, 2006
11:16 am
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Randomwomen2
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thats a great boundery to sent up great job sweetheart

May 12, 2006
11:24 am
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inmotion
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Great job, toward freedom! You did a really important thing.

May 12, 2006
11:45 am
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toward_freedom
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thanks. I am thinking about trying not to put myself so much in "harm's way". It was tough at the beginning watching hiim play guitar and wanting to cross the room and be closer to him. I kept telling myself "This is what I've said to him, now I need to stick with it."

May 12, 2006
11:47 am
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nvr2late
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you did the right thing!
now you don't have to worry about things that come up with having sex with someone...
you are very strong, and keep it up...what a wonderful thing is to have control!
nvr

May 12, 2006
11:50 am
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toward_freedom
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Thanks, nvr. Another point I have been making to myself was that even if I did think it was a good idea to be sexual with this guy, I had promised myself to wait at least 6 months into any new friendship before I took it to a different level, and that's AFTER I make some more headway recovering from my codependency!

It's funny, I have a stronger sense of why it would be a bad idea to sleep with my friend but he is better at sticking to agreements. I am very grateful that he didn't make any moves on me last night because if he had I don't know what I would have done. That's why I need dto be so super careful.

May 12, 2006
12:05 pm
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on my way
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toward freedom,
I think your thoughts are admirable too! You did mention one thing that caught my eye though, that you were concerned about putting yourself in harm's way....EXACTLY!

What would have happened if he had decided he could not control his emotions and approached you on his couch? Would you have been strong enough to not give in? See, you were there, for an opening, whether there was one or not. And it could possibly come across to him as "I can't, but I am not sure." Sort of like mixed messages.

Maybe not put yourself in that position next time will make it easier on you. I think a guy who respects you will do what you ask, but you may need to also maintain your boundaries, your 'safe' boundaries that is...what keeps you safe. He is only human, and after he has expressed to you his struggle with it, also respect his feelings in this regard and perhaps not stay over again.

good luck to you,omw

May 12, 2006
12:21 pm
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toward_freedom
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OMW,
Thanks for your thoughts. I think you've hit the nail on the head. See, because I'm attracted to him, I'm kind of leaving an opening that I shouldn't be leaving. Next time I think we'll make it an earlier night! And also not fanning the flames by talking about it over and over with him would be a good idea.

This board is the best.

May 12, 2006
12:46 pm
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on my way
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yes, you are very intelligent about this, see? and be honest with yourself perhaps, that maybe you DO want to sleep with him. if you stuff it thinking it will not happen, then it will keep creeping up...at the most in-opportune times!! If it's true admit it to yourself. It will give you better clarification, and better ways to handle it.

good luck to you.

May 12, 2006
1:11 pm
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toward_freedom
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OMW,

You're right. I DO want to sleep with him! Very badly! And I know it would be the wrong thing to do.

There, I said it.

Funny thing, after I broke up with my ex I thought I was all done being attracted to men, at least for a while. I guess this is my struggle right now - to be attracted to guys who just aren't 100% what I deserve - and if I can nip it in the bud this time instead of doing what I've usually done in the past, I'll be way ahead.

And it is up to me, not to him. I have to not only be clear verbally with him (which I have) but I have to follow my words with the behavior that aligns with them, and with my own good health. I can't tell him I don't want to sleep with him and then act like I do.

May 15, 2006
2:52 pm
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toward_freedom
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Spent another great day with my friend. We had band practice and then went out to the jam night. He was grouchy so it was pretty easy not to "hit on" him. In fact, I reminded myself, when he was being kind of a jerk in the middle of the afternoon, that if I were sleeping with him how much harder it would be.

Nonetheless I'm thinking about him too much today, instead of focusing on my work. So maybe I should have titled this thread "trying not to think about my new friend"!!! LOL

Thanks for being here, everyone.

love, t_f

May 15, 2006
8:48 pm
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toward_freedom
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Here I am again (okay, this might be turning into my blog!)

I am very grateful to my higher power today. My new friend has been showing me a side of himself that I really don't care for all that much. We spoke tonight . . . he is super eager to work on our music project, which I find very inspiring . . . but he was in an all-business, humorless, "down" mood that I found very irritating. Oh yeah, and did I mention, he drinks? Whew.

So, today I'm grateful that I had the strength to keep him at arm's length until I could see him more clearly, and, more to the point, not act on my own compulsive desires, so that I could see my SELF more clearly.

It's so easy for us to use one bad relationship to escape the grief of another . . . I think I may have dodged this one . . . but as I will continue to see him and work on this very rewarding music project, and I like him as a friend, I will continue to post here. Feel free to jump in, anyone, with your own stories or ideas!

Love, t_f

May 15, 2006
8:57 pm
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Anonymous
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freedom -

it is great to hear someone stop and think before acting.

it is a skill I am gonna work on learning as well.

it is easy to say "I don't want this" but then put ourselves in the position to do just that - and our actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

perhaps your friend's moodiness is due to your new "actions" that are showing your less than flirty side....perhaps he realizes you have pulled away, so he is too.....but that's not saying it's your fault either.

I think you are making HUGE progress by being able to think before acting, as well as being honest about your motives, as well as seeing the reality of the situation before you are knee deep in rose colored emotions.

way to go!!!!!!!!

May 15, 2006
9:09 pm
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toward_freedom
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alicat,

Thanks for your generous response. I read your other thread and was feeling for you!!

Actually, I kind of DID say "I don't want this" and then put myself in the position to do just that. I think it was my higher power looking out for me . . . realizing I would be too weak to withstand a lot of pressure . . . so my new friend is as good as his word.

I know my friend's moodiness is not my fault . . . but I am trying, a bit at a time, to be more responsible about the messages I'm putting out there!

It's hard work and your encouragement means a lot.

Keep your chin up, Alicat!

May 16, 2006
1:11 am
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on my way
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t_f

glad you are doing ok with everything! 🙂

omw

May 16, 2006
5:47 am
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nvr2late
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good for you...waiting and seeing what happens...then seeing that you do not know this new friend enough to sleep with him!

and now you are seeing 'that' side of him...they become less attractive especially if they drink!
that is a road you do not want to go down...and you don't want to sleep with him until you get yourself under control and can walk away from it.

otherwise, it is a tough spot to be in...believe me, I know...and it hurts like hell!

why do that to yourself?

nvr

May 16, 2006
9:33 am
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on my way
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ali..t_f,
but it's ok if he pulls away...natural reaction don't you think? cause and effect type thing. this is when you look at him carefully and his character and decide if this is what you want...but at the same time, he is only doing what is normal for him...but don't fall for it kiddo, either..ok? it's a game of sorts, my thoughts anyway. if he truly cares about you, he will honor you and stick around.

May 16, 2006
10:16 am
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toward_freedom
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Hey all,
Thanks for the thoughts.
You guys are right. Of course it's all right if he pulls away!

Anyway, I know that I don't want him. I not only know it, I KNOW it. He drinks, and has a temper, is unhappy with his job. He's pretty much standing there waving big red flags at me really hard.

He's also shown me moments of sweetness and caring as a friend. And I really enjoy our music work together.
So, my job is to keep it to that. And to look at why on EARTH I'd be attracted to someone who would be so, so bad for me.

OMW, I'm going to think of you saying "don't fall for it kiddo" whenever I feel myself slipping.

nvr, you're right. Why do that to myself? It's a road I've been down before. I'm 42, and old enough to walk down a better road!

Have a great day everyone!

t_f

May 16, 2006
11:30 am
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startingover
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TF

Good for you, for seeing those red flags! See, you're getting better! I am starting to think the main differnce between "us" (codependents/enablers/women who love too much..whatever..) and "them" is that they see those red flags and heed them!

Have you been involved with a problem drinker? I was married to one for over 20 years, and this last traumatic breakup was with a very heavy drinker (alcohol as well as crack and heroin use). It's a lonely, caretaking, excuse-making relationship where you alone have the maturity level to function. DON'T go there! Frienship is one thing, find a more suitable partner for "otherwise".

Good to "talk" to you, TF! You are an inspiration to me.

SO

May 16, 2006
12:58 pm
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Hi SO,

Thanks for your supportive message! Yes, I think you're right about the differences between "us" and the rest of the world. I told a story on here a few weeks ago and I keep remembering it - my son has a book about a little train engine who goes to train engine school. The biggest thing he has to learn is:

ALWAYS STOP WHEN YOU SEE A RED FLAG WAVING.

Man, when I read that to my son, I almost started crying. Little Tootle the Train Engine figured out something that I am still trying to figure out at age 42!

I have been in a few different relationships with drinkers and potheads. It's never been worth it!

Nice "talking" to you, too, SO. Same back at you - you inspire me.

Love, t_f

May 19, 2006
10:24 pm
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toward_freedom
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Hi everyone,
I haven't posted anywhere on this board for a couple of days so I thought I'd post here first since this is the biggest issue on my mind!

A couple of nights ago I did something I'm pretty ashamed of - almost too ashamed of to post here. I made a pass at my friend! After all this talk about how a drinker isn't for me, stop when you see a red flag waving, etc. etc. . . . we were out playing music and I asked him if I could kiss him.

I think what's been going on for me is that I'm so lonely and scared of being alone and overwhelmed by all the work I have to do that I just went for the distraction.

Thank goodness he had much better boundaries than I did! He said, Hey, a lot of guys in there liked you a lot, you're a beautiful woman. He said he just didn't want to wreck our musical collaboration and friendship. He told me I was going through a lot of stuff right now and maybe when things cleared up a little bit we'd see what happened.

I am so grateful to him (and to my higher power) for being so clear.

It's funny, too, the same night I delivered a similar message to another guy. I met someone who is not directly involved with my music, but he goes to the same jam session I do, just to listen. I've met him four or five times, he knows friends of mine, and we've talked a little bit. We were dancing and it was clear that we were very attracted to each other.

So I got very brave and said something like "I am very attracted to you, but you and I are worth too much to go home together tonight. I would like to get to know you and see what you're all about, but I'm not in any shape to throw myself headlong into a relationship right now." He was super sweet and also kind of relieved. He told me he had been thinking about making a pass at me but he thought that was the wrong idea for him, too. He said it would be a "rebound thing" for him and I laughed and said I had a similar story to tell. We agreed to take it easy and talk more the next time we ran into each other.

Later I realized I was being very smart with him. I'm very drawn to him, but I need to find out basic things about him like, does he return phone calls on time? does he like to ride a bicycle? Stuff like that - instead of plunging right into bed with him and then trying to make him do the things I wished he would do. This is new to me - find out who someone is *first*, then see what kind of relationship I want to have with him.

Now if I could only apply those very sound principles to my interactions with my new friend I'd be all set . . .

thanks for listening, everyone!

May 19, 2006
11:52 pm
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towards freedom:
hi! i am happy to see that i am not into this alone,
i recently have been into a narcissist relationship with a guy, and i ended very hurt. i have discover since then, that i have been aa codep. for long time, and at some point, i have been doing so many mistakes!
now i am at a stage that i know, and recognizing this to myself was the most difficult thing to do before, that i became one woman that inside always kept the idea that without a man by my side i could not be happy.
now, i still hurt for the one that has gone. but i won't go back. i am sure of it, thing is that i have met this guy, younger than me, and he has alot of things that i apreciate and like, but well, he has made me his friend, never has told me more, and today, he told me that he was going to go out with a girl his age.
i just smiled and wish him the best of luck, because i like him, but i always knew that if i had acted like before, maybe things had gone further.....
and i took this as a sign that he is not for me, i have been reading alot of spirituality, and how can we be happy when we don't make things fit into our way, but let the rivers flow as they have to, and things comming to us as they should, without interfiering.
i want to tell you that i am thinking exactly like you, letting time tell me, by looking at someone not because has things in common with me, but seeing him with his true face, no hurry, before letting my imagination roll, or my heart punished again.
i am happy you resolved your dilemmas so peaceful. this means you are heading in the right direction

my best to you, t. f.

May 22, 2006
10:05 am
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caliseth: Congratulations. Recovery is tricky . . . I think at least the fact that you and I attracted people who were not going to let us go "all the way" with our typical behavior shows that we've gotten some recovery under our belt! I know that I am responsible for my own actions, but I am so grateful that my friend has been firm where I haven't been.

I spoke to him the other night and apologized for making a pass at him. I told him that he didn't have to worry, it wouldn't happen again. He told me he had been flattered and that I really shouldn't worry about it, he wasn't offended or freaked out. Since then I have been on "good behavior" and it feels better; the tension has dissipated somewhat. We spent a lot of time together this weekend with our bass player working on music and just focused on the music and acted like good buddies.

I really like what you say about letting things flow and not interfering as things come to us as they should. Thanks for the kind words, caliseth. My best to you!

love, t_f

May 24, 2006
2:23 pm
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Hmmm, maybe my new friend is not as clear and well behaved as I thought. He's been sending me flirtatious emails all day. We're seeing each other tonight, too - it's our regular music night. Everyone keep your fingers crossed for me - I resolve NOT to train-wreck this friendship!

erggh.

May 24, 2006
8:56 pm
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tf,

just try to not do anything that you will regret tomorrow, protect yourself, take care of yourself.

caliseth,
I loved your post. I am trying to hard to just let things flow and happen however they are supposed to.

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