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trying it again..
November 30, 1999
1:51 pm
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hsuzie
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I belonged to a different forum at one time.. didnt work out. But i am willing to try another... I have difficulty talking about myself.. am in the process of searching for a face-to-face therapist, which the thought scares me beyond words, but it is past necessary. I am a csa survivor married to a csa survivor.. often puttting his own needs before mine. I dont really know where i am going with this, just perhaps an intro. Starting over is scary. Thanks for your time..

Hsuzie

November 30, 1999
3:30 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Hi there Hsuzie...I am sorry but I have to ask...
What is a "csa survivor"? I am unfamilar with this term. I hope you don't mind my asking.

And welcome to this site.

November 30, 1999
4:00 pm
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hsuzie
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Thanks for your response KThomas.. CSA means child s*xual abuse survivor.. sorry for not being clear.. i was also physically and mentally abused, all different abusers. .

I dont mind answering questions. easier than talking about myself ad lib!

Thanks again

November 30, 1999
5:02 pm
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bel
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Hi Hsuzie,

I to am a CSA survivor, all that happend from the ages of 9 to 12 and yes it leaves it mark. But Im happy to say that today at the age of 49 I am doing very well. For awhile there I thought I would live out my days in a depressed state, well I did do that for many years but today I feel good, happy and somewhat healthy.

I still suffer from depression from time to time, from lonleyness, low selfesteem and am having some problems at home with an adult son. But overall I am in a better state and frame of mind that I am dealing with these issues on a day to day basis. I have gone to some counseling and am talking with others via e-mail and that has helped me very very much.

I hope you get some help and can move on with your life, its hard for me also to talk to anyone let alone about myself, I am not comfortable with to much attention on myself. But I have made very good progress and am looking forward to more success in my life. I hope you continue to post here and I know there will be many people on here willing to listen and to help.

Take Care
Bel

November 30, 1999
7:32 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Ahh...wow...I too then am a csa survivor. From the age of four to eleven. I guess I just never heard that term before. I never told my parents...well I did when I was four and used the F word because that was what my abuser used. My mother only heard the "bad word" and so I got my mouth washed out. You can bet that I never told after that!!!!

Counseling is key to getting over all that. I started counseling a couple of months ago and have had to take a time out for finacial reasons...but the little bit I did get really helped me a lot. At least I could understand some of my patterns and see how much my past really did effect me.

I am forty one and recently have become a single mom again...but I am not giving up yet. Talk whenever you want...I know I have made some good friends here.

God Bless...

December 1, 1999
12:37 am
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hsuzie
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Thank you... bel and kthomas,.. i never disclosed about my abuse besides to my therapist or anonymous forums, such as this.. . Well, not all of it. My family too, knew of some of it, that which i did was just written off as "boys will be boys" therefore when i was abused by a neighbors grandaughter for 3 years or so, i was convinced that this is why i was put on earth, for the purpose of other people.. so today, at 31, i dont know who i am , never had actually, I do counseling, but not face to face.. complicated... hmm, i think i am rambling on.. thank you again.. i think i wil post again.

December 1, 1999
10:45 pm
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KTHOMAS
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I remember thinking that I must give off this aura that tells people that they can abuse me. Surely I must ask for it for it to have happened to me so many times by so many different people. I know this is not true but...it does get hard to understand why it happened and why always to me.

It wasn't us...we were just victims of very bad people. In todays world they have to register as sex offenders...even showing a child a dirty picture can put you in jail now...when I was young no one ever spoke of child molesters.

I hope you will post again and let some of the shame and guilt go...that is what you feel isn't it. I say this because I know it is what I feel at times.

God Bless...

December 4, 1999
5:58 am
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hsuzie
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kThomas,

I know that feeling well. I understand now why that was. My parents not knowing how to truly raise children, and so concerned for themselves, allowed things to happen that shouldnt have, thus giving me a sense of no self. THat i did not have needs. ANd that any emootion i felt was wrong. And i am struggling to know that now, because i learned my lesson very well from them. And brainwashing is a tough thing to fight. Thank you for caring.

December 4, 1999
3:01 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Again our lives paralel...my mother died when I was not quite twelve...with in nine months my father informed us (five of us..me being the oldest) that he was getting married. I was of course shaken by his news and went into hysterics running to my room. My father came in and demanded I stop it...that from now on I was to call this woman "mother" and that was the end of it. From then on the subject of my real mother was removed from the home. I never knew how much this had affected me untill I went into counseling...and did I understand finally why I think and react the way I do at times.

Yes...brainwashing is tough to fight...But we are...just by realizing that it is there. Keep your spirits up...there is strength in numbers remember so do keep in touch.

December 8, 1999
11:38 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Just checking in on you. Hope you are okay.

December 9, 1999
11:31 am
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Angelwings
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k thomas, you are brave for helping suzie and talking with her about your own experience with s.a.
I hope that you can manage somehow to continue with the counselling, it was really helping you. I t is one of the most self loving things you can do. Blessings

December 9, 1999
8:25 pm
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hsuzie
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Thank you Kthomas.. you are a kind and caring soul.. I am hanging in there.. a bit of a mess going on in my town so been very stressing here, but plucking along. thank you for caring..
hsuzie

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