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Trying hard to save marriage
November 21, 1999
8:17 am
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lost soul
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Well I understand your feelings and those who have gone throught this.I think is "easy" for the willing party to walk out of someone's life because they have "mentally" & "physically" planed for it.( especially with the help & support from someone else)
I know its easily said then done but look at it this way.You are feeling riped at the thought of your love one with someone else but what do they feel at your "expenses" is it worth to feel it that way?
People change. Your love for her will change too. (develope till this stage) Its just a matter of time.
So give yourself sometimes.
Take care!

November 28, 1999
10:06 am
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lost soul
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PatrickB
Are you OK?

November 29, 1999
2:19 pm
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lost soul
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I am feeling better each day, Now the focus is myself and ny daughter. Well , when he is in the picture,i treat him as a husband. If he is not I take him as an nobody.When i get frustrated,I call him and gave him a good F***.

December 1, 1999
9:43 am
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lost soul
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Please pardon me for the "F".It is the effect of my "sleeping pills plus frustration"

December 1, 1999
12:25 pm
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PatrickB
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Lost Soul:
Am I ok...That is a good question. The last few times I have talked with the wife (and with the help of a phone bill) I now know there is a "Friend" with ideas of being with my wife. She has admited that this is a deep friendship. I know who the individual is and I know he is married himself with a small daughter. I want confroont this person and ask what his intentions are. I have no problem with him being there to help my wife, but anything beyond that I want to make clear is asking for trouble. I feel like telling his wife whats going on. But I know if I confront or make any contact with him in any way, that would not help the situation between my wife and myself at all. So it looks like a pretty lonely holiday season. Am I just being stupid to hold on to her like this?

December 6, 1999
1:03 am
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lost soul
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PatrickB,
It's not stupid to hold on to your wife, reasons being "you still love her" and hope that there will be someday when your wife is ready to "mend the marriage".

Just to share with you, Althought my thread said "trying hard to save marriage" there was that moment when I actually wanted to give up on him because I felt that you can't change someone who don't love you anymore and has fallen in love with somedody else. The reasons that I kept holding on and tried to save our marriage is because my husband have not once admit that he has fallen in love with somebody else,also because of our daughter.

As for you Pat, my only advise to you is still the same remedy-" give yourself and your wife some times"
Take things easy. ( I know is hard!!! but at least TRY )

December 6, 1999
10:13 am
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PatrickB
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This is without a doubt, THE hardest thing I have ever done. (Trying to stay away from my best friend, the person I love more than anything, the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.) Thanks for listening lost soul.

December 7, 1999
9:16 am
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lost soul
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you are welcome!
Cheers up friend:)

December 7, 1999
1:58 pm
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BROC
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PatickB,

For what its worth my friend, I have learned to let go. It is hard, if not impossible. We cling,alomost with a death grip to what we "know". What is familiar. The unknown is too frightening. I went through a VERY lonely time the first 6-7 months of 99'. It was hell. But God, I learned soooooooo much about who I am, what I am, and what I want and deserve in life, especially in my relationships. Your wife, well, who knows. Not enough info. to really even guess. One thing is for sure....she is lost like you are. What to do? Well, the one for sure answer is to focus on the man in the mirror.

If you have learned anything here, you have learned you cannot control or change anyone but YOU! It is a hard and cold fact. Once you accept that, really accept that fact, half the battle is over.

You wife, as I said, is lost. The ONLY way she will come back is if SHE sees what she needs to see. It will ONLY happen when she is ready to see it....in her own time. As codependents, we look outside of ourselves to find our happiness. A new car, new home, change of occupation, spouse, you name it. She is searching for that, and the only thing you can do is hang out and see what happens. That is all you can do. The smart thing would be to concentrate on YOU. Go see a therapist. See what they have to say. You have your own issues to deal with. DEAL WITH THEM NOW! If you don't, it won't matter what the hell your wife does. Because even if she sees what she needs to see and makes a change, you will still be the same guy. And if that is the case, it will still fail. Thats a gurantee.

After the hundreds of hours of therapy, books, groups, seminars, I have learned one thing that is the ONE for sure thing you can bank on EVERY time.

If nothing changes, nothing changes. You need to change. She needs to change. If you both don't figure out yourselves and make those changes, and I mean BOTH of you, it will never ever work.

Broc

December 13, 1999
9:29 am
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PatrickB
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Broc:
Oh I know about the changes...Been going through alot of them lately. The unknown is a very scary place and one I'm not sure I'm ready for. I have made lots of changes in myself to make a better person for myself and for my wife. Everyone keeps telling me it takes time...We have physically only been seperated for a month now, but it is so very hard. She was my best friend. I feel this huge void in my life. I love her so darn much it hurts...I can just tell when we talk and e-mail that there seems to be nothing left between us (in her eyes atleast). Thats what probably hurts the most, knowing that last year at this time she actually cared about me. This is going to be a very depressing holiday season. Thanks a bunch Broc...Your input and understanding means a lot.

December 14, 1999
2:19 pm
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BROC
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Patrick,

I hear you brother! I feel your pain. Really, I do! Almost a year later for me and I still think of her daily. For the most part its just a passing thought. I was asking in another thread if you guys thought my ex. (Shannon) still thought of me as I do her. Not necessarily what she thought about, but if I was still on her mind, or was it possible that even though I still thought of her, I was gone from her thoughts. Well, after reading your last posts, I thought back on my question and started to laugh. Boy, how dense I can be sometimes. Of course I am on her mind, and in her thoughts. We spent day and night together for almost four years. Even though much was turbulent, I was still a presence. And look at this, she slept with my best friend! And I still have good thougts, fewer, but still, of her. Like you said, I miss her.... it is a void in my life!

What I am trying to say amigo is that you are very much on her mind. Its hard to imaigine this as the way she is acting, but I ASSURE you its true. She, like I said earlier, is searching. She think she knows the problem, as 98% of the population does. Its my husband, job, car, job title etc. But they ALL, your wife, my ex., etc. will find, (hopefully) that it is them that needs to change. I have people in my CODA meetings in their 40's, 50's, and even 60's that have just NOW figured it out! Late, but better late than never as they say.

You, me, cici, angelwings, lost soul,...... have figured it out. They haven't. Its really that simple. But I understand that in your eyes, well, you can't even see that far. The pain clouds your vision. But trust in what I say to be true. (If it isn't, many will correct me I assure you) I have studied this stuff. I live and breath it everyday!

It sucks though. I wish I could have had a chance with the "healthy" shannon! Man, it would kill her to see whats she is missing. And I know one day that she will realize what the right way is, and I know that she will look back with a TON of regret. Not that I was right and she was wrong, but that had she "seen" the light, the right way, sooner, how much more of her life she would have to REALLY enjoy. And, maybe, just maybe, some regret that it wasn't with me.

My prayers will be for you tonight patrick!

Broc

December 14, 1999
2:33 pm
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Angelwings
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nice words Broc, send some prayers Shannons way too huh:)

December 15, 1999
10:18 am
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Broc:
If half of what you say is correct...That would be great. I guess part of what I'm really worried about is that I have been "replaced already". But My wife was a wonderful person and this is the Last thing I expected from her. If i am still on her mind, that makes me feel better. I just don't want her to forget me. We had some great times and not so great times in our 6 years together. I thought that I was ther only unlucky soul to lose the love of there life. I talked to the wife last night...things didn't go well. I think about it and i think you are right Broc...she has some issues to deal with. she was coming up with things from I don't know where. she is normally not like this. she is getting confused or Tainted ideas from somewhere. I think I know where they are coming from and I so badly want to confront this person...but I know what will not help anything. Its for Cindys sake, not his that I keep myself under control. Although it would give me great satisfaction to rip his lungs out. Broc, my friend...Thank you so very much for listening and the help. All of you guys have helped me alot and I don't feel so alone anymore. Try and have a great holiday season.:)_

PatrickB

December 16, 1999
9:01 am
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lost soul
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Hi PatrickB,

Yes, i hope you have a great holiday:) & you too, Broc.

October 14, 2000
2:04 am
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lost soul
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It's been a long ten months since I first came here.

Times has change. Regular visiting this site has change too.
But my problems is still the same.

But instead of my initial expression of : Trying hard to save marriage, now my expression should read : GIVING UP MY MARRIAGE!!!

October 17, 2000
4:04 pm
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janes
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and now? Now that you have changed to giving up? what is your mind/heart feeling?

October 17, 2000
8:18 pm
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Ash
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Try as we might, the only options we have when presented with a SEE (Significant Emotional Experience) is to COPE or DEAL. To cope with any given situation, many changes will be eminent and we have to be willing to adapt to those changes or the SEE will run our lives. Dealing with a situation takes a great deal more inner strength; to put things in the past and move on. There is no time limit on either.

Good luck to all!

October 18, 2000
10:08 am
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lost soul
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janes,

AfterI have change my mind-set,I feel much more release & relief.

Idon't longer feel lonely.I don't longer feel upset even he came back at 4.00am.

The focus now is only for myself and my daughter.

Ash,

Thanks for your wise advises.It meant alot for me.

October 21, 2000
11:05 am
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LOST SOUL;

I AM MARRIED TO AND I AM HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MY HUSBAND BUT MY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT EVEN THOUGHT AND THE END IS THE SAME RESULT. BUT ABOUT YOU I ADVISE YOU TO TAKE THOSE COUNSELING SECTIONS I AM PLANNING TO GO TO. TRY TO TAKE YOUR HUSBAND WITH YOU SO BOTH CAN FIND WHERE THE PROBLEM IS. THAT WAY BOTH OF YOU CAN TRY TO HELP EACH OTHER, MAYBE THE PROBLEM IS SOMETHING THAT MAYBE YOU ARE DOING THAT HE DOESN'T LIKE, HAVE YOU ASKED HIM? TRY TO CHANGE THE PICTURE OF THE WAY YOU AND HIM HAVE OR MAKE LOVE. MAYBE HE WANTS YOU TO MASSAGE HIM AND SINCE YOU DON'T DO IT HE GOES SOMEPLACE ELSE WHERE WE DON'T WANT THEM TO BE AND GETS WHAT HE WANTS. MAYBE YOU NEED A SECOND HONEYMOON, JUST YOU AND HIM, THAT IS GOING TO HELP YOU A LOT. MAYBE HE IS TIRED OF MONOTONY AND YOU ARE GETTING TIRED OF HIS BEHAVIOR AND OF COURSE THAT THIRD PERSON GETTING IN THE WAY. I ADVISE YOU TO FIGHT FOR YOUR HUSBAND IF YOU LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE GOING TO WIN THE BATTLE. TAKE CARE. LOST SOUL

November 5, 2000
3:12 am
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I don't mean to but in (& please excuse my spelling)
I am a 48 year old male,American born & raised. You sound like you are oriental,I worked pretty much exclusively for the Chinese for 2 years,so know personalitys in the difference in nationalitys.
Do not cut yourself short, you are the good person here & not him.I do not understand the entire situation,as do not know his side of the story.If you are oriental,as I believe you are,do not lose face,as he already has.
I hate to say it,but you are to honorable for him,& if he doesn't give you the honer & respect you deserve, he is not worthy of you.
You sound like a very loving & careing wife,but after 12 years of being wed & a 7 year old daughter,you will most likely not change him. I hate to say it, but it sounds like he is gradualy working out of the relationship & is most likely to get worse. I don't know if he is a mean person, so I would not confront him.
But no matter how much you love him,(if he doesn't love you in the same) there is no way from keeping him from playing ring around the rosie.
He most likely won't change & you do have your best intrests & also your young daughter to think about.
I realy believe in giveing a person a second or even a fourth or tenth chance, but will it change anything?
Don't rush out of something,or rush into something that might even be worse.
I am not a psycholigast,but think of what options you have & what would be in the best intrest for you & your 7 year old girl before she's a 14 year old girl.
Sincerly,
ÐÊÑÑϧ
P.S. I'll try to make you smile for just one moment (& show this to your little girl & see if she canfigure it out)
"""
»©¿®«
-
‡ a friend
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November 8, 2000
10:26 am
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lost soul
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Thank you ! Thank you !

You are right, I am an oriental lady. A very traditional wife & mother.

Family is my first piroity!

But life had tormented me badly 🙁

If you are interested of my true story. I would like to share the indelpth with you.

My e-mail is [email protected]

(DIJO) is this your name???

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