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Trying hard to save marriage
October 15, 1999
9:45 am
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hazza
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hi lost soul,
i dont know all the answers but i think your husband is just plain old jealous. He is more scared than you, he sees you doing something for yourself and he is scared, where will it leave him if you have a life for yourself.
i have these struggles every days with my partner, but i am not afraid of him anymore. I will not let him call me names, we may not last if he doesn't change his ways, but he has made a lot of progress.
the more you demand respect, the better i have found, they will try to beat you down at first, but if you continue to demand the respect you deserve i have found they stop treating you quite so bad. So decide what you want and dont settle for less. You have as much right to be treated correctly as anyone else.
Good luck and take care
Hazza

October 18, 1999
9:53 am
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lost soul
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Hazza,
Thanks! I think you are right.I cannot imagine myself still loving my husband for the way his has treated me for these few years.
Gradually, i feel less and less love for him.He has hurt me too much.he has brought me lots of pains,anger,hopelessness and much more then i can discribe now.
I feel that I deserve much more healthy lifestyles than this tortures.

October 18, 1999
12:26 pm
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Anonymous
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Dear HOpe
I am very proud of you. You do not even realise the healthy steps and choices you are beginning to make sweetee.
First of all i was hoping the story would bring up the pain so that you could seek the therapy you need.
speaking with your girlfriend who listened and accepts you unconditionally was therapy and it helped, didnt it?
Do this as much and as often as possible.please
Also your husband has his own insecurities and issues that he needs to deal with, treating you the way he did instead of accepting your need to create a life and healing for yourself is NOT unconditional love and was controlling and manipulative..his taking the pills and not talking to you. Do NOT fall into his game.
Think only of you and your healing now. This is a good test for your love, and his love, If HE really loves you he will NOT try to jeopardise your needs and actions towards a healthy life for yourself.
Please make contact with girlfriends, people and anyone who is willing to listen and help you.
It is the best thing you can do for your child and yourself. Blessings

October 18, 1999
3:26 pm
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PatrickB
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Thank you from the bottom of my soul.

October 18, 1999
11:30 pm
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Hmm. trying to save 'marriage'... did someone check whether theres a floppy disk in the drive or not? Maybe THAT's the problem. System Message: Error saving 'marraige'..Abort, Retry, Fail... RETRY!!
Just kidding... :))

October 19, 1999
9:20 am
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lost soul
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In this world,sometimes thing will turn out to be what you have plan,what you have wish and what you have work for.But many times what you have plan, what you have wish and what you have work very hard for might not turn out to be your expectations.So,must you "break down" because of the outcome?
The answer is NO.
Life is always testing you."see how far can you go?"
"see how much can you take?"
There are always moment of weakness and darkness,but there are lights if you can find the way.
There are people who lost their spouse unexpectedly or throught illnesses. I believe the PAIN is much more unbearable compare to spouse who are having extra marital affairs,abusive and violents.
Spouse whom are a philanderer,abusive and violent are not worthy for the wife or husband to feel lost,sad,angry,betrayed and so on and so for.Because there do not know the word "love"
They do not know what is "marriage"all about.
To love a person who does not know what is love,what is commitment is like loving a "dummy".loving a body with an empty soul.
This " dummy" is out there taking your love,soul, youth energy,sprit, self-esteem and sometimes health.
It is not worth letting your precious life taken, bit by bit by a "dummy".If you allow it to do so, you are encouraging the"dummy" to take your life away slowly.

October 19, 1999
1:37 pm
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Anonymous
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Guest you have a really wierd and dry sense of humor you nut!!!!!!!!!!:):)

October 19, 1999
3:02 pm
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šŸ™‚ ...

October 19, 1999
8:56 pm
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PatrickB
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Like I stated last time, the wife says she is moving out. Has not happened yet..Good?...Bad?... Difficult to say we get along great, until it is time for bed.. She goes one way, I go the other. If this is what she wants/needs to figure things out...Fine I can live with it, for a while. She can take all the time she needs. As long as she is in the same house, I know she is safe and taked care of. She may not be totally happy but...that hopefully will change.

October 20, 1999
8:16 am
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TT
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Would some of you mind looking at my post at "Marriage Advice Needed" on 10-19. You all seem to have some insite that would help me.

Thanks

October 20, 1999
12:18 pm
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lost soul
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She is still staying in the house means things is not at " a very bad stage".Well at least that is what i feel.
By the way, do you have any children?

October 20, 1999
8:09 pm
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PatrickB
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lost soul,
We have no children, my wife had a miscarrage about 3 years ago. We are very career oriented which may be part of the problem. There are times which I think I would like to have children. But I am a firm believer of the parents actually raising a child. I'm not crazy about someone at a day care center "raising" someones child. I'm glad to hear you say that the fact she is still under the same roof as I, not being a bad stage. Thanks, that makes me feel a little better. Our anniversery (6 years) is coming up in a couple weeks. Should I plan something, a weekend at a B&B sounds nice, under normal conditions, my wife would really enjoy this. thanks again. šŸ™‚

October 23, 1999
6:56 am
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lost soul
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Hi PatrickB,
Of course you should,plan something that she will like it.All the best!!! Good Luck!!!:) šŸ™‚ :).

October 29, 1999
9:34 pm
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reegan
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I am in a basically young marriage. We've been married for almost 5 years. In those years we were separated for 2. This past January he came to live with me once more. Things are the same. He goes and comes as he pleases and does not even think to include me in his plans. I want to be apart of his life, but I guess I go about it the wrong way. He says, " I keep getting in his shit". I'm a college student and 25 years old. I wait tables at a restuarant down the street. I feel I'm a loving, passionate, patient, and attractive woman. But usually he convinces me otherwise. I don't get anything from this marriage. But I want to and I don't know why. For some reason I'm not able to leave him either. I don't have many friends and that scares me. Maybe it is me. I don't know how to be whole without him.....

November 3, 1999
3:38 pm
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mhollyf
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Hello
This seems to be difficult for me to help here - there are so many people and their advice! This is so great. Now maybe I should be the one to speak for the other side. I was the one who betrayed my husband. I know I made a mistake, I admit, appologize, I want forgiveness from my husband and God. I know I would never do this again. And I do not expect my husband to believe me. He is so much stronger than I am to keep trying to save his feelings from this hurt I have given to him. And it is so much killing me to see his pain. I did it one time, and now I will pay for it for a lifetime. Whether he forgives me and we stay together or he decides to leave me and I do not have him anymore. I want him to be able to trust me, but I do not know how to regain it. He is worried that it will happen again in the future as like it happened before - he was deployed and me alone, but I know I can never do it again. I feel as if all the hate he brings to me, all his lies he tells me, will never compare to my wrong doing and he knows as well and will always continue with them. I wanted to leave him for many years and never could do it for our children will suffer. Now from my mistake, I have learned much more than he can ever imagine.
All I can tell you is try one more time. If he fails, then you will know for sure. Both of you should try counceling. My husband and my first time will be tommorow, and I hope that it will do good. I want him to be happy again, and I want to be happy again. If he is not happy, I am not happy.

November 4, 1999
12:38 pm
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PatrickB
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Well lost Soul, It finally happened. My wife has moved out. I planned something nice for our anniv. and she thought it best if we cancelled. She claims I am only interested in our "physical relationship" I will admit, I miss us being together, we try to sleep in the same bed, but I can't just "sleep". I don't understand how she can be so nice in every other aspect of our marriage except for the intimacy. I am helping her move and trying to give as much support as she wants. I am so torn...I am having a hard time dealing with all thats going on. I am trying so hard to keep thing open between us in case she wants to come back. The last thing I want is to put barriers between us.

November 6, 1999
9:23 am
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mandy
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Hi, I've just got married for 1 yr and now I'm pregnant.But my problem is I've went for aborton before I married to my husband and he doesn't know at all.Will my husband know about it when going check-up with me? I really don't want him to know about it, can it be a secret forever?Can I just denied that i've not went abortion before? Can someone give me some advice,it's a big problem to me now.

November 6, 1999
10:05 am
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lost soul
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Hi PatrickB,
I am so sorry to hear the outcome to turn out like this for you.But since you have tried your best, I think its time to let go "a bit". Sometime its so hard to change another person unless the other person is willing and making an effort to change things.
I hate to say this to you but for your benefit I will advise you to let go.( Maybe try letting go for the time being )

November 6, 1999
10:20 am
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KTHOMAS
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Mandy...tell your doctor in private. Leave it off your medical information you fill out when you first go in to the doctor. But tell him at a time when your husband is not there. By phone if necessary. It is privileged informatin between you and your doctor only and will go no further. No one else needs to know about it if that is your wish. Please do not be worried about whether the abortion will effect your new pregnancy...it won't. And congratulations!!!! Enjoy every moment of your pregnancy. This is a very exciting time for you and shouldn't be marred by your past. Look only to today...and be happy. Soon you will receive the greatest gift of being a parent. I hope this helped you...I too have had abortions in my past but have three beautiful children of my own. There is nothing better then holding that baby for the first time. Good luck to you and your husband. šŸ™‚

November 6, 1999
10:32 am
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lost soul
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Hi Mandy
I think Kthomas has given you the best advise.
congratulation!
Best wishes from the bottom of my heart!

November 7, 1999
9:14 am
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mandy
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Thanks folks! I think the only way is to talk the doctor personally. Wish everyone the best in the future.

November 8, 1999
11:21 pm
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BCF1431430
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lost soul
16-Sep-99

lost soul
16-Sep-99

I am very sorry to hear that all of that is going on
i understnad truly how u don't want your daughter to hurt, u will need to be there for her and try to be strounge for her. You and your husband should talk to each other about your reltionship, see what is best for the both of you. People sometimes change but that doesnt mean the love for each other has
hope everything is ok

November 9, 1999
12:15 pm
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PatrickB
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Lost soul, I think (unfortunatly) you are right. Now that she is gone, I have slept better recently than I have in the previous 2 months. I try not to think if she is alone or not. Our home is now so empty and quite, just me and the cats. We will still see each other occasionally to go over some bills and other things. I'm not sure if that is good or bad. Time will tell. Thanks for your help. šŸ™‚

November 10, 1999
7:05 am
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lost soul
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Hi PatrickB
I really don't know what to say at this moment to you. I admire your "sentimentally".But too emotional / sentimental will only cost more hurt to you.
Why don't let nature takes its course. I know its not easy but you have to try.
If you can, don't stay home alone. Try to go out with friends,do something.Dinner, drink, sports anything.Just don't dwell on things that is beyond your control.
Take care and who knows someday you might find someone whom you love and loves you as much as you loves her.

November 19, 1999
9:26 am
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PatrickB
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I never realized how "easy" it is to walk away from a marriage. We were (are) married for 6 years and then over a short period of time she finally tells me that her feelings have changed(with some help from someone else I think) and BOOM, she is gone (sort of). This constant knot in my gut is killing me. The thought of her with some one else rips my heart out. No bridges have been burned and I love her it seems now more that ever. I hope to someday get back together (?) I think the lack of some companionship right now is very hard for me to deal with.

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