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Trying hard to save marriage
September 16, 1999
10:47 am
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lost soul
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I am married for amost ten years. I have a daughter age 7. Few years ago my husband keep coming home late and the excuse he gave was "doing part-time job" to earn extra income.Trying to be an understanding wife I gave him lots of freedom as where he want to go and when he wants to be back.He even go to the extent that not coming home to sleep for the night.

We have grew apart since. I thought that it is quite normal for couples to feel that way as there is this chinese saying "old husband, old wife"

One morning, I tried to log into his handphone's voicemail, and I managed to get into his voice massage.
To my surprise, I heard the same lady left him 8 intimate massages. I feel hurt and sore. I repeatly listen to those massages.

Those two weeks I am living in the hell.It is very traumatic. Lots of talks on my side,he even move out for two days.I give in, I asked him to come back because I feel that there is chance to save our marriage.

I can feel that he is also trying to work things out.But,I know the lady still call him at his shop and sometimes he still gets massages from her.Although he did not tell me the true, I know I am not been suspicious.

I will be going for conselling next week. I hope that everything will be fine. I am willing to forgive and will try extra hard to forget.

I believe our 12 years relationship is not that fragile.But if the worst come, I will have to learn to let go.

Time will heal wounds but I do not wish to let my daughter go through all these sad, traumatic situation if possible.

Someone out there, I would appreciate your advise and comments.

Thanks in advance.
Lost soul

September 17, 1999
12:45 pm
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lost soul
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I have post a thread " trying to save a marriage " but unfortunately, I don't get any respond.

I was quited anxious to see some feed back, advise or respond to my thread,but sad to say there isn't any.

Although my husband said that he will change and stop seeing that lady, but I am always feeling insecure. I feel that ever since this incident has happened,my self esteem is shaken.

Part of me wanted so much to forgive and forget, but part of me is filled with anger. How can a man whom I have love for a decade claimed that he loves me too is seeing or should I say "have seen" another woman.It is very painful to recall the massages that she had left him. It is so intimate, she called him "dear" and asked him to page for her.continuing 8 intimate massages has been planted into my mind.

I am now thinking, what if one day I will to find out that he is still seeing her. That will means that their relationship has develop till that kind of level. will I be able to take that kind of blow?

But seems that he is trying to change. I can feel. My worry is if that lady still calls him and leave him love massages he might not be able to withhole his emotion.By the way, that lady is working as a kara ok hostress.I have actually met her the night after I get her massages. My husband has arrange her to clarify with me that they are just friend. They claimed that they only know each other for about a week.They claimed that they are just relating to each other. How much can I believe their said? I just cannot.
Till today my husband still said they don't have sex at all. But, it is really hard for me to believe.

I really hope that someone out there can give me some feedback. Tks

September 17, 1999
9:28 pm
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The basis of a lasting and healthy marriage is trust, I do not see how you can regain this. I have spoken to others who say they tried and worked at it, but I have never heard any of these women saying they could trust again...perhaps there are a small minority. I just dont see how. If my husband did that to me, I dont believe i could continue. What ultimate betrayal.

September 18, 1999
1:34 am
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lost soul
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tears

Thanks for responding to me. You must have did it quite late last night. In fact, after posting my second request for feedback, I read your "codependency tread"
And I get to know more about you.You're very active in this site which is good for many out there who needs some advise and support.

Like you, when others need some words of encouragement or advise ,I am able to give quite down to earth and logic suguestion. But when things happen in yourself, there are times when emotions overcome sense.We all just hope that we will be in the small minority. don't we?

You are right to say that it is very difficult to trust again. In fact when we started dating it was also in a triangular relationship.but love has blind me.

Well the first few years was quite alright.then gradually, he became distance. But he is not that bad actually. I am not trying to fantasize. At least he is not violent.He still do care for the family.
The only thing that I can try to figure out why he is doing this to me is he might be the kind of man who needs thrill. You know, there are such kind of man who wants and love their family but cannot stop themself when there is an oppotunity for thrill.
My concern is if he is playing with the fire, one day he might be burn by the fire. You know what I mean?
There is one day, I jokingly told him that : You might be just talking,drinking for fun only, but human cannot control emotions and feeling. It might turn out to be real, at that point of time.You will be in a very difficult situation to decide. His replied : I won't, my family will always come first.
I don't believe such statement.There are times when someone is very weak in their emotion, that is the time a third party can easily comes into the picture.Am I right?
Now if,he is the sort of man who cannot resist thrill. How can I help him (or rather myself too )to overcome this kind of mentality?

September 18, 1999
11:50 am
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you are very codependent lost soul. It is obvious in your obssession with him and your fears for "him"
You should be concerned about the fact that he has already played with fear and has been burned but you are not doing the burning. You need to let him know that what he did is completely unacceptable to you or he will do it again.
For a man to do such a thing shows complete disrespect for his wife and family, he is far from putting his family first.
You need to gain some dignity lost soul and join us in codepedency thread.
I know how hard it is, I was treated like that in my past, but the emotional abuse (which it is) was something i was not willing to tolerate, especially on top of everything else.
If you are married to someone, those vows are sacred, that person should be sacred...he is not committed to you as he should be. You both need serious counselling if you want to save this marriage. Blessings

September 19, 1999
12:00 am
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lost soul
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Well, tears,I know what you mean.I am probably decieving myself that he will "really" change.Yesterday I bought a book "when your Lover is a Liar" by Susan Forward Ph.D. Well, sometime I am too optimistic. a bit naive.Or probably too proud to face this truth.

September 20, 1999
11:09 am
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tears where are you? You know what? I think I am insane. After keep talking to him, he keeps giving me assurance. His lies is so beautiful, so touching.
I am living in world of self deceiving.In a world of fantasy. O one thing I heaven't tell you.I actually have been dependent on "sleeping pills" for years. I am also suffering from mood change. Now, my anger have subsided for this moment.I have alots of stress from work. I don't dare to show my emotion at work. It will be percieved as non-professtional.so, I have no choice but to let myself take things not so seriously. or else,I will not function properly.To me what is important now is to keep my work on track. Because career is second important after my daughter. I am also thinking of joining a gym for a good work out. Now, I will work towards my own benefit. I am going for my first conselling this Thursday. Then I can move on to my second goal.Keep fit. I do not want to feel depressed with a man who wants to f*** a bitch.
I feel the bitch, is a very cheep and low class bitch.
Knowing someone has a good family ,a wife who is willing to forgive her husband depites his infidelity still keeps on looking for him. page for him, leave love massages for him. Make me feel puke.

September 20, 1999
11:09 am
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lost soul
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tears where are you? You know what? I think I am insane. After keep talking to him, he keeps giving me assurance. His lies is so beautiful, so touching.
I am living in world of self deceiving.In a world of fantasy. O one thing I heaven't tell you.I actually have been dependent on "sleeping pills" for years. I am also suffering from mood change. Now, my anger have subsided for this moment.I have alots of stress from work. I don't dare to show my emotion at work. It will be percieved as non-professtional.so, I have no choice but to let myself take things not so seriously. or else,I will not function properly.To me what is important now is to keep my work on track. Because career is second important after my daughter. I am also thinking of joining a gym for a good work out. Now, I will work towards my own benefit. I am going for my first conselling this Thursday. Then I can move on to my second goal.Keep fit. I do not want to feel depressed with a man who wants to f*** a bitch.
I feel the bitch, is a very cheep and low class bitch.
Knowing someone has a good family ,a wife who is willing to forgive her husband depites his infidelity still keeps on looking for him. page for him, leave love massages for him. Make me feel puke.

September 20, 1999
11:27 am
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poor lost soul. I am happy you are beginning to show your true feelings. Anger is healthy when you feel and express it without hurting others.
You need to acknowledge your anger towards him, her and this whole situation.
It is GREAT that you are going to the gym, this is one of the best things anyone can do to life a depression, exercise! OUr body needs it like water.
Secondly the counselling is important, or you could have a serious mental situation putting up with all that you have and using sleeping pills.
Our sleep time is so imp, espec r.e.m sleep/ This is necessary to maintain our mental and emotional equilibirum. the exercise will help you get back into a normal sleeping mode, just do not workout close to bedtime, this will keep you awake. Also use valarian for sleep it is natural and non addictive. Way better than sleeping pills.
You need to get out of your DENIAL lost soul. I know how it is, ive been there. We dont want to believe that this man we have devoted so much to is doing this to us...or we are letting him do this to us.
Wake up now lost soul, as you appear to be and deal with it now BEFORE IT GETS WORSE, blessings

September 21, 1999
9:50 am
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lost soul
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tears, thanks so much. You are really professional when giving advise.I will try thinking and living possitively.

Thanks a million! Keep in touch.

September 21, 1999
12:10 pm
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Lost soul, I already see an improvement in you, and I am sure others are too. It is hard, but you are strong and caring (for yourself) I believe in you. You need to talk to your doc about getting off those sleeping pills. Our sleep time is so important to our mental health. You need to reduce the stress in your life, and I know most of it is him. Please understand that he probably is still fooling around and will continue to unless you show him you are not a woman who allows a man to do that to her. He will either quit or continue at which point you should dump him like a hot potatoe. You are worth so much more than that, Hope. I am going to call you HOpe from now on:)

September 23, 1999
1:16 am
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what do you mean Hope? Blessings

September 23, 1999
9:31 am
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lost soul
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tears

I actually sent some comment last night but it is not posted. Now, I don't remember what I mean hope. sorry.
Anyway, how are you? I am so tired now .will write again later.Bye for now.

September 23, 1999
12:28 pm
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ok lost, please join us in codep 2 for our latest exercise on "releasing limiting and negative beliefs" Blessings friend

September 28, 1999
1:50 pm
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Lost soul
Boy can I relate, I recently moved for a new job. My wife was fine with the move (so I thought) at the time. Now 2 years later, I find out that she was not happy, she says she hasn't been happy for a long time. My job kept at work most of the time. Recently, my wife has made a "friend" at work. She says this was someone who could give her the emotional support that couldn't. i have tried very gard to change my work habits and attitudes for her. the last month I thought was much better. She keeps saying that she doesn't know what she wants. We haven't slept together for 3 weeks now. I'm getting tired of trying with no responce from her. I don't even know if she wants to save our marrage.

September 29, 1999
11:43 am
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Hi PatrickB
I think you should try to talk to your wife.I know how you feel."your wife or my case husband is sharing her or his so call problems with the opposite sex.This is dangerous.By sharing so many personal problems will lead to some emotional dependency and might develope to somthing else." you know what I mean?" I am not trying to hind anything but I feel if you love your wife.You should communicate with her openly.Try to think if there are any problems between you and your wife that weaken your marriage and try very hard to save it. if possible.will write again later. Take care.

October 3, 1999
11:04 am
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lost soul
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Hi all,life is like a movie right? I feel that i am acting in a movie "sleeping with an enemy" aren't we all? just that its different between violent in physical or mental.cannot imagine i have been living with a man I called husband is so manipulative.trying to have somebody to share misery but not love.I almost thinking of committing suicide last night out of anguish. silly right? at that moment you just don't have the time to think of anguish.I have enough patience wit him.I just discover that love cannot change a person's nature.he is only treating me as a person with on respect.he thinks that i should put up with all his crap.my love has begin to die, really die.
to face the ture facts, he is not treating me well all this years.when he is home, its just like a body without soul,the moment when he is going out , that body is so full of spirit.why am i holding up with such a man whom i called husband? decieving myself that he is a good man.and there is chances to save a marriage. it is working on my side and not his.what a great fool i am.what a GREAT FOOL.

October 4, 1999
11:15 pm
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lost soul,

Go with your gutt, what is it telling you? Do not believe his words! He is a liar, cheater and has stabbed you in the heart and the wound is still wide open. I have a wound that is a scar and I hope one day it will fade and hardly be noticable. I am not telling you to leave him, but you need to let him know that he is on the verge of losing his family!!! Do not let it continue! Confront him and ask him who this monster is sitting infront of you? Let him know how deeply he has hurt you, almost destroyed you. Do not let him do that. Your daughter needs you!! He will have to answer to God for his actions not you.
Somewhere in us all lies the strength to fight... fight for what is right! I would confront that wench and ask her to back off! Does she want on her conscience turning a 7 yrs old girls world upside down?
Maybe she has no morals, probably not, just let her know that she can't have your man and you intend to fight for him! If your husband continues to live in his sin, be no parts of it! Can you get away somewhere for awhile? Let him know you mean business. Pray, pray, pray that God will open up his heart, mind, and ears to the truth. I think I am getting a little too emotional because this is bringing up some past feelings that I do not want to relive.

Jaskid

October 5, 1999
8:03 am
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lost soul
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Jaskid, thanks alot for your words.I have read some books regarding these kind of issues, and deep down inside me,I know that he is not a good husband.but part of me is hoping for the best outcome,such as he will change and our 12 years relationship should have a certain amount of foundations.but after trying so hard, and getting results that is not to my expectation really worn me down.I think i just have to try to focus on myself and my daughter.I think she is affected by our problems and not knowing how to express it.poor girl.I will have to be strong so as not to affect her.
Once again, thanks alot for your sharing.

October 5, 1999
7:10 pm
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LOST SOUL, YOU ARE LIVING UP TO YOUR NAME GIRL. DONT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU, GET AWAY FROM HIM NOW. HE IS NO GOOD AND IS KILLING YOU. PLEASE, I HAVE BEEN IN THE SAME BOAT AND THERE IS ONLY MORE MISERY TO BE HAD. SO WHAT IF ITS TWELVE YEARS, HE DOESNT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU. PLEASE TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER AND GO TO A LAWYER AS ASKME HAS HAD THE COURAGE TO DO. THIS IS A NO WIN SITUATION AND IF YOU TRULY LOVE YOUR CHILD, GET HER OUT OF IT IF YOU DONT LOVE YOURSELF ENOUGH.
SORRY, IM BEING TOUGH, BUT I AM REALLY CONCERNED FOR YOUR WELLBEING ON ALL LEVELS.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!PRAY THAT GOD GIVES YOU THE STRENGTH TO DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO AND IF THAT MAN YOU CALL HUSBAND COMES AFTER YOU, GET A RESTRAINING ORDER AND TELL HIM YOU MEAN BUSINESS. HE WILL NOT RESPECT YOU AS LONG AS YOU ALLOW HIM TO TREAT YOU LIKE A HUMAN DOOR MAT..GOD BLESS

October 6, 1999
8:49 am
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Thanks tears, I know what you mean. I know recently you are going through a hard time, lets us pray that we will get through this difficult moment. I believe we all will.take care!

October 14, 1999
1:30 pm
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Well, I have tried and tried to no avail, The wife is moving out. I've seen two different counselors and when I say she is moving out without even trying to see a marraige counselor, they say that there is probably a third party involved. I say what the counselors are saying to my wife and she says that there is no one else. Who do I beleive, the woman I love and have never had a problem trusting, or the so called experts. When i ask her why she dosen't want to see a marraige counselor. She says "I just don't want to". she wants to move out and be alone, or atleast without me. the last couple of months I have been a changed man, I have been there for every time. helped out as much as physically possible. How can women just turn off their feelings (sexually also) completely? this is such a difficult time and I don't know what to do. God I love her.

October 14, 1999
9:53 pm
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lost soul
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Hi PatrickB,

It has been a long time since i last hear from you.well, indeed it is a very difficult time for you at this present situation.I can understand what you are going through now.My advise might not be the best or professional but its from what i have being through, sharing base on personal view.

@Do what it makes you feel good.
If you feel good by calling her to talk to her, do so.Don't let pride stop you from doing so.
But, by trying hard and still gets negative responds which makes you feel lousy.Please stop.At least for the time being, to avoid getting yourself depress and doing damages to your self esteem.

@Try to focus on something else.be it health, career, physical appearance, hobbies, friends, anything.
This will stop you thinking about the sweet memories (from the past which you both had share) that will only add to your present misery.

Last but not least, you won't know what will the outcome be.Maybe someday, she will be ready to talk about the problems/reasons behind this issue.And you guys can starts to "repair" or work things out.OR, you might be more ready/prepare to set yourself FREE.You know what I mean?

The last paragraph is not only for you,it is also for me.
All the best PatrickB!
I am also nickname as HOpe!

October 15, 1999
12:21 am
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yay Hope!!!!!!

October 15, 1999
1:27 am
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lost soul
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Hi tears,
Just to share with you.Last night after writing " the story" I was in a depress mood again.I know that he will be coming back late again tonight,so,after taking my usual pill, I thought that i can go to bed as usual.But i think after posting "the story" part of my sorrowful surfaced.So,i call up my girlfriend ( not in contact for a long time) who is working in a club as a PR manageress and I went to visit her at the club.
Its nice talking & sharing with friends who knows about the problems that you are going through.Its been a long long times since i last visited night spot.
In the club, my husband paged for me,I returned his call,told him where i am,who am i with and asked him to join us for supper.(only my girlfriend and myself )He don't want to and sounds unhappy.I asked him where he is but he refused to tell me.I asked him to page for me to let me know when he is back home.But he did not. When I reached home, he was already asleep.( I found out that he took 2 of my sleeping pills)
Today, he refused to talk to me as though i have done something wrong.I initial to talk but his body language shows no interest.
Tears, is it wrong that i went out to talk to my girlfriend?or is it wrong that i went to "the night spot"He has been to disco for so many times and was met up by my girlfriends husbands,and after so many wrongs and damages that has been done to me.whats wrong with me going out just one night ( only for a few hours ) and only with lady,no guys at all.Or does he feel that I am challenging him? What is he thinking? what is in his mind? Don't he know that he is the one who puts me into this stress?
Beside tears, anyone who can tell me the answers,Ktomas,juskid, guest_guest ,anyone, please tell me whats wrong? or whats right?

Thanks! Hope

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