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trust, manipulation, and danger
February 26, 2001
2:59 pm
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charmedlife
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September 24, 2010
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Hi all - it's my first time posting here - not sure where else to go or what else to do... I just recently started reading "The Road Less Traveled" and had an enormous mess I made with my ex-not-reall-girlfriend who brought to light an alarming trend in my life with women... and I don't know if it's something... well, it IS something... and I don't like what it is, and don't know where to begin changing...

Over the last couple of relationships, I seem to think that I'm being honest, open and communicative - (my closest friends commonly say "genuine"), but to the women I've grown close to, they feel lied to, and manipulated - and I'm having a lot of trouble seeing that and don't know if it's truly me, or them? I know that I have an extremely difficult time trusting women - though it's not a parental thing - my parents and I have a fantastic, loving, honest, and always, always caring relationship. But as most people, I've been burned more than a few times... and I can't help but wonder if they did more damage than I'd like to admit.

I guess the easiest way to sum this up is to post an email that I received this morning from the most recent woman I've been seeing, whom I do (or thought I did) care for very much... please - if someone understands this - I could really use some help sorting myself out... (Just for disclaimer's sake - I did change the names in the below email...)

#####
I thnk you DO mean progressing to gf/bf and then to marriage. What else
could you possibly mean? All I know is that on January 18th you asked me to
be your girlfriend and now you tell me that you always knew that we weren't
meant to be and you always were on the fence about me. I don't understand
and I can't take the lies anymore.

There is no one in this world, including possibly even you, who knows you
better than I. You've lead a predominately lonely, miserable life (when it
comes to women, maybe more) since high school and I attribute it to your
looking for a soulmate.
1) You can't be happy and just appreciate the women that are with.
Instead, you immediately assume that any woman is not your soulmate and then
you use her for what you can - like me, like Julie, like Ruth. Yeah, once
you fell for the girl. Or so you think. You start off using us and MAYBE
you start to care about us and suddenly you think the end justifies the
means. Well, you "care about me" as much as you did in October. I know you
felt something else in January but I can't get you to talk about it. So, I
can only reduce it to jealousy of Brian since you tell me now that you have
never wanted to be my bf, even though I know that's not true.

2) OR, you think a complete stranger is your soul mate and then you find
out that you never knew her. Like Jennifer. SHOCKER!

As long as you continue this all or nothing, self-destructive philosophy you
will continue to be lonely and miserable.

How corect am I?

And how many more times do you have to hurt yourself and innocent women?
Like me. Especially me, since I'm the ONLY one who has stayed around.
Instead of getting credit, I get "on the fence".

If you want to change, then why don't you try learning from your past?
After the whole Sandy ordeal, I can't believe that you would let Mark turn
around and do the same thing to you. You should have told him on DAY ONE
that women are not to be treated as pawns in his sick game and that you are
interested in dating people because YOU want to, because YOU like them, and
not to satisfy someone else's tasteless vengenence. Had you said that, then
I would believe that you are dating Carol because you want to. But instead
I know that you went out with her to hurt me - that's what you said last
night and this morning. And you actually have the nerve to say the YOU
decided not to sleep with her. Do you realize that you perpetually treat
women like they don't have a say in anything. You'll not sleep with Carol -
did you ever stop to consider her feelings? Maybe she doesn't want to sleep
with you. And you'll decide if you still want to keep seeing me by this
Friday? As if I'm a servant who will do what bidding you decide.

#####

I don't know how to decipher all that - some of it feels like she's right about a few things... and other things just make me angry and reactive.... any suggestions - greatly appreciated...

"not-so" charmedlife

February 26, 2001
8:14 pm
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Molly
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September 30, 2010
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Well, couldn't really get into the e-mail other than, you sound like some one that is making sure that they are not left alone. Look at this picture and see if it fits, holding some one by the collar while kicking them in the ass? If you have a steady girl, why did you go out with another, and then tell her about it? Hmmmmmmm. Hurt before? Hmmmmm
Scared? Trust? Yea, they all ring true, sounds like the girl you asked to be your girlfriend called you on your act. If she is healthy she will tell you to hit the road. You didn't say how old you are, but it sounds like you have some issues to work through , or need to do some maturing. Not intended to insult you. Keep your pecker in your pants, Sir. Get focused on who you are and what you want. Be secure in who you are even all alone. Its easy picking to manipulate girls even women, we fall easy, but are learning. Men and manipulating, its a bad habit, where is Brock when we need him, he is a recovered manipulator used to post alot, and got over his stuff. Tell your girl your learning about you, and do some work, get some counseling, go to groups, look at the way your parents interact, even though they have been ozzie and harriet, look and see if any of it fits. At least your trying. Keep on.

February 27, 2001
6:45 pm
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Demi
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September 29, 2010
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No one can know you better than you know yourself. That statement is total manipulation.

February 28, 2001
2:57 pm
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charmedlife
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September 24, 2010
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One important piece of info here - left out - I did go out w/another girl, but she slept with another guy weeks before... kind of threw a wrench in things...

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