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Trust Issues/ Insecurity issues in relationship
February 16, 2005
1:00 pm
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angel without wings
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I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years and now i love him very much and i know that he loves me just as much - however i have and will continue to deal with all the issues i have - codependency, childhood seual/physical/mental abuse, and many other issues. I do okay most days, but sometimes i find myself getting very insecure and i think he is looking at other girls or wants to be with another girl - and it's not just jealousy talking - it's my insecurity and it drives me to depression. It'll affect me the rest of the day because i'll obsess over it and let eat me up inside. He's never cheated on me, he's never done anything abusive - but he is somewhat codependent also. I don't think i have any reason to worry - but i feel it's my insecurity that creeps inside me and tears me apart. I don't know how to stop this from happening. Lots of my friends are getting married and since we are not even engaged yet - i worry that he's waiting just in case someone better comes along that he wants to be with. Do you think these thoughts are valid or is it my insecurity beating me up????? The second i start feeling this way, it affects everything else - my focus, i can't concentrate, i automatically feel awful about myself. I just don't understand why it affects me the way it does. Everyone gets jealous - but why does my whole mental stability go out the window when i feel a twinge of fear or jealousy???

February 16, 2005
2:26 pm
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Anonymous
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In my honest opinion, I think that when you go into relationships without having yourself figured out, you're bringing all your insecurities in, and in the end that can destroy a relationship. If he has never cheated, and you believe him, than imagining the worst possible scenario seems a bit premature.

Have you tried to communicate your fears with this man? It might be that you just need to talk to him about it and let him know where you are coming from.

Obsessing will only make it like 5000 times worse, even though it is so easy to do.

February 16, 2005
2:47 pm
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CAMER
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start trying to believe in YOU more, and love yourself, and think more confidently of yourself, maybe you worry that your bf is looking for someone better, prettier, smarter, etc...but if you value yourself with all these qualities, you won't have to worry about anything, he will love you for you.

February 16, 2005
2:48 pm
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woundedspirit
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Angel, have you been cheated on in the past? It sounds like you are very lucky to have a boyfriend who is faithful. How does he react to your insecurity? Is he patient and understandign or does he get angry about it? I think how they react can really affect how secure we feel. When I would have a hard time trusting my ex, he would get so angry with me and that just made it ten times worse. If he had been understanding and gentle and reassuring, it would have gone a long way towards helping me feel more secure in his faithfulness. Is he flirty with other women? That is really hard on me.

February 16, 2005
3:19 pm
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angel without wings
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I think that Aces is exactly right - i'm still in the process of figuring myself out - with everything i've gone through it's like cutting through layers and layers of rock and stone - chipping it away a layer at a time. I have been cheated on in the past, plus ALL the men that have ever been in my life have betrayed or hurt me. My Dad left when i was 1 years old and never talked to me again. My older brother is the one that sexually and physically abused me for 4 years. My stepdad abused all of us and hit my mom on a regular basis. The first guy i ever really opened up to and loved was the one who cheated on me - but i didn't find out until i met his "new girlfriend". So i've never met a male that i've been able to trust. I agree that i need to love me and concentrate on my good qualities - there must be a reason he's been with me for 4 years! And he is wonderful - that's what's so scary. I don't believe someone could actually love me and not have an alterior motive to hurt me or use me. I've talked with him about it and the first several times he was understanding, but when it happened again and again - he started to get irritated and his feelings were hurt. He doesn't understand why i would think he would hurt me. And it's easy to say - what's wrong with you - he's wonderful, he loves you, why can't you trust him - but i've never experienced those feelings of trust. I actually don't know how. Thank you all for your feedback:) I've never had support for all my issues and i've had to deal with everything alone. My family refuses to talk about what happened to me. So, i've been left to do it myself and for myself. It's been really hard. I love this website so much - i just found it a week or so ago. It's so helpful to talk with people that are similar to me and who've been through similar situations. I love you guys!! Thanks!

February 16, 2005
3:36 pm
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woundedspirit
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Angel, Ive said this so often but this site is totally keeping me sane. No wonder you are insecure and have a hard time with trust! I cant imagine how you could feel otherwise with all you have been through with men. But you recognize it. And are searching for help! Thats the first step in getting over it! And thank god and CONGRATULATIONS!! for having a wonderful guy who loves you as you are! Im sure its frusterating for him but he's stuck by you and been faithful regardles of your "imperfections" (which we all have!) and THAT is what marks true love.

February 16, 2005
3:42 pm
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angel without wings
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Thanks Wounded:) I'm very lucky that i found this site and have all of you guys to confide in:) I think you are right that him sticking buy me despite of myself - shows how much he cares about me! It's been a long road, but i'm trying my best to work through all my issues and come out the other end a more complete person that accept me for who i am.
I wrote in your thread regarding the new guy you've been talking about. It's sounds like things are looking up! I think you are very strong and you've dealt with your situation very well - i admire you for that:)

February 16, 2005
3:58 pm
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woundedspirit
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Thank you! Often I feel so weak and get so mad at myself!! But Im trying! And making progress atleast. Baby steps!!

February 16, 2005
6:07 pm
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dawl
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Angel,
I can totally understand how you feel. I was very insecure and very codependent in my recent relationship and sadly, it was one of the things that drove him away. If I could do it all over again I would be honest with myself and work on improving myself. You are totally a beautiful person within and you don't need someone else's approval to believe it. My boyfriend eventually lost interest and respect for my person because I lost interest and respect for myself. I couldn't expect him to believe I am this great treasure to him if I felt "unworthy" of his love. I totally believe in you and I know you can overcome your insecurities. Love the person God made you and people will find you irresistable. The people I love to be around the most are happy people that love being themselves and love their lives. They are captivating and we need to be more like that with ourselves.

February 17, 2005
6:03 am
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revelation
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Hi Angel,

I identified with a lot of the things you said. I too have a lot of insecurities and trust issues. I am in a relationship now for just over a year, we broke up at christmas and I am sad to say it was my insecurities that drove him away and it almost drove him out of his mind as well. Its hard to admit but I think that insecure people can sometimes be a little selfish, so hell-bent on preventing themselves from being hurt by people that DON't love them that they really hurt those that DO love them in the process. I never realised that my lack of trust and constant unfounded and often ridiculous suspicions were a really big insult to this man who adored me. Thankfully we are back together and very much in love. I still get those nagging thoughts "He doesn't want me", "I am a burden on him", "I'm just dragging him down", I look at myself in the mirror and think "How could he love THAT" terrible awful thoughts. Unfortunately those of us (and there are way to many) who have been hurt or neglected in childhood find it almost impossible to believe that someone loves us. My BF also has codependent and also finds it difficult to believe he is loveable. (Isn't it just so sad, this seems to be quite a common trait). We have both read books on codependency and we find the best solution is to just talk as open and honestly with each other, no playing mindgames. So far its working, we both still have our moments and always will, but I think as long as you don't wallow in the negative thoughts and always take some time out to talk it over with him it could be ok. Hey...you have been together 4 years, thats great! There is obviously something good there between the two of you, that cannot be overlooked. And about the engagement thing...try to let that go...he will feel the pressure and thats not good if he's codependent. If its meant to happen it will and nothing you do or say can change fate.

February 17, 2005
8:37 am
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angel without wings
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Thanks so much for your wisdom and advice Dawl and Revelation - it's good to know that others have gone through what i'm going through. It's amazing how many people have these issues! It's sad, but codependency breeds codependency - and i'm definitely going to conquer this before i have children because i want to break the cycle. I just heard the word Codependency a couple months ago. I had no idea so many people were having the same issues as me.

Dawl~ Thank you so much for your kind words, you sound like a wonderful person yourself and i'm glad you shared your story:) We are beautiful and we should cherish and love ourselves:) Easier said than done - but i've started paying attention to my innerspeak and it says some pretty mean things! I would never talk to anyone else that way - so i really shouldn't talk to myself that way! I'm trying my best to detach and remind myself each day that i am worthy of love and affection. Are you and your boyfriend still together or did it not work out at all? How do you feel looking back on it? Has that given you strength to change and work on loving yourself?

February 17, 2005
10:18 am
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mosher1yr
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I have been with my girlfriend for over a year and i love her more than anyone will ever lover her but....i lie and i dont want to specially to her i love her and dont want to cry i hate seeing her cry...now shes gone not all the way but mostly and i feel like im trying to mend by a wound thats in unhealable...What do i do? i dont want her to go

February 17, 2005
10:18 am
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mosher1yr
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I have been with my girlfriend for over a year and i love her more than anyone will ever lover her but....i lie and i dont want to specially to her i love her and dont want to cry i hate seeing her cry...now shes gone not all the way but mostly and i feel like im trying to mend by a wound thats in unhealable...What do i do? i dont want her to go

February 17, 2005
11:09 am
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angel without wings
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What did you lie about?

February 17, 2005
11:17 am
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hopingforthebest
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Revelations,

I truly appreciate what you wrote towards angel. You just wrote exactly what I'm currently going through. Wow, you just showed me a "revelation" and now I finally get it! I don't want to lose my fiance', especially behind trust issues. (Read "Just Not That Into Him" for more explanation of what I'm referring to.)

Thanks for being so honest. You helped me put my life into a better perspective.

-hopingforthebest

February 17, 2005
11:42 am
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dawl
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Angel,
My boyfriend broke up with me over 7 months ago, but we've kept in touch since we see each other every Sunday at church (and we're in the same circle of friends). There was a point where we spoke about the possibility of us getting back together (and that possibility is still there for the both of us), but we were torturing ourselves by trying to be friends when we couldn't handle knowing the other was going out on dates. We knew we weren't spiritually ready to start any real relationship again, so 3 weeks ago we decided to separate for a period of 6 months to grow apart and become whole. Him and I both have codependent characteristics and our relationship was distracting our personal growths. It's hard, I won't lie, but I have to focus on becoming a better person so I can be happy alone again and so I can let others love me. I don't know why we women (not all, but a good number) do this to ourselves. We simply don't believe we are good enough to capture our dreams and we settle along the way. I went to my first CoDa meeting last night and it was amazing. I would encourage you to go if you could. You meet such wonderful and supportive people there that totally understand our struggles. I was scared at first, but I wasn't going to back down on doing something good for myself. I'm in the middle of starting to attend different church services so I don't have to run into him and making new friends that don't bring him up in casual conversation. It's hard to let go and to not want to control the situation. It's crazy, but I've asked my therapist, "What can I do to get him back?" But you know what? That wouldn't satisfy me either because I would later feel his love wasn't genuine (because I MADE him love me and tried to control the circumstance). This is why it's so important for us to remember that whatever changes we make, they are for us...not them. Doing things for other people will only feed our insecurities and cause others to pull away. Letting go has its rewards. We can't see the beautiful plans God has for us up ahead if we keep turning our backs and dwelling on the past. There are no mistakes, only lessons. You and I both have learned such a huge lesson in loving ourselves first and perhaps we haven't really experienced real love the way God intended it to be. Our past loves could have very well been addictions. My sister sent me this quotation, "Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for one another exceeds your need for each other." This is something I look forward to experiencing in my next relationship...whether it be with the same guy or not. Love is freedom to explore who we are in love, not tie us down. I'll definitely keep you posted as these long months go by, but I will keep you in my prayers for sure.

February 17, 2005
11:50 am
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revelation
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hoping: I get you, I used to do it...I think you are blocking off the flow of feelings in order to prevent any hurt. Try to shake off the suit of armour and let him in a bit.

Dawl: Love the quote! "Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for one another exceeds your need for each other."

May I give one of my grand-mothers quotes? "Whats for you won't pass you by".

I try to remember that when I am trying to control his emotions...

Does anyone remember the TV program "Bewitched"? Where there was a witch married to a bloke and anytime she wanted to change something she would wiggle her nose? I think we would all like to have that ability..."Ooooh if I wiggle my nose he will show how much he loves me". Unfortunately in the real world we just can't control how other people act or feel!!!

February 17, 2005
11:57 am
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hopingforthebest
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Revelation,

You're quite right. In my previous relationship, it seemed like when I put all of my feelings out there and did all of the right things on my end, I still was the one who was lied to and cheated on.

One of our mutual friends later told me that she felt he was somewhat intimidated by me. I was doing well for myself at such an early age (had a job secured by the time I was a junior in college, no kids, had the "good looks," etc.) and he just seemed to quietly wish he was on that same level even though I constantly reminded him that I loved him for him and not what he could provide me.

August 2, 2005
9:07 pm
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stardust
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I have been having these "outburst" with my boyfriend lately. I;m not exactly mean, but before I start, is anyone out there??

August 2, 2005
9:11 pm
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SassyAlex
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I'm here, I'd like to hear about this. I can probably relate.

August 2, 2005
9:15 pm
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ACryForHelp
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Diddo!

August 2, 2005
9:16 pm
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22haha
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listening

August 2, 2005
9:19 pm
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exoticflower
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Stardust, even if there are not people around when you post, there are a lot of great and wise people who will see your post at some point, the advice and support keeps coming even after you sign off.

August 2, 2005
9:22 pm
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stardust
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okay, i'm starting to get the hang of this. Well to start, my boyfriend and I have been together for about 1 and a half year. I love him to death, and he loves me just as much. A few days ago, he called, he's away at bncoc in iowa, and I didn't get to the phone in time. So I called him right back and he didn;t answer. Struck me as odd since he was calling just seconds before. So kept calling, getting more and more upset, and finally left a message saying, "just wondering who youre talking to> who could be more important than me, your ex wife," I get cold and say mean things when i start to feel insecure
.

August 2, 2005
9:32 pm
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SassyAlex
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Stardust, I usually have attracted men into my life who would attack me or say cold and mean things, even though they were loving at other times. But one man in my life brought this out in me. I'm not even sure why. In some ways he made me feel disrespected as a woman, and I didn't have much trust for him. I would find myself saying mean things, I think in some ways I was trying to piss him off enough to get him to leave.

But there are not always obvious reasons. It can stem from insecurity, maybe that's why my past boyfriends did it. They had explosive tempers, that was another part.

I guess for yourself you have to try and figure out why he brings this out of you. Have you behaved this way within other relationships? Or just with this one? Do you have reason not to trust him? Or is it purely stemming from insecurity?

Also, do you have a parent who would behave in this manner?

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