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Troubles in Boyland
April 21, 2007
7:57 am
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artist 2
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September 27, 2010
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I moved in the BF. Things are tense right now getting settled in, but I know it takes time. We fight. And, when we do it's usually my beef that starts it. Something he's done or not done. Some times he strikes me as just irresponsible or adolescent. There's something in me that wants to be taken care of. That's especially strange living in his house. The combination of my thinking he's immature yet owning a house I'm living in?

The fights are disturbing, to say the least. My main complaint is that he does not communicate by phone with me, even with important things. He'll send an email. While I'm at work, I don't always get the emails.

My second complaint is based on my expectations -- that are based in reality. Like we'll make an agreement, or I'll say something that indicates I'm thinking one way. Then, when my expectations are blown away from being destroyed, I get really upset. The abandonment issue comes up and I feel I must flee from the relationship. It no longer feels safe.

And, I guess that's my deepest complaint. The not feeling safe with him. It comes and goes, but is never steady.

Anyway, don't know what I'm asking. But, it's always helped to get it out of my head and onto this website.

April 21, 2007
8:26 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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do you somehow feel "trapped now".

you live with him, but it's HIS place?

do you feel like you are more responsible, but he MUST be MORE responsible cuz he owns a house and you don't?

home ownership doesn't really equate to responsibility....some people take their housing seriously...and that bill is the oNLY bill paid ontime...it's the ONLY thing they are responsible about....it doesn't mean they are responsible about taking care of another person's heart.

some people can be fiscally responsible, but not emotionally responsible...if that makes any sense.

Do you feel like you have a fight or flight reaction?

Do you fee like he has the control cuz it's his house?

He doesn't call by phone, but communicates by email...does he have a reason for that? meaning, does he have access to the phone, or is email the easiest route for him? What kinds of things are getting miscommunicated because of it?

What makes you feel unsafe with him?

And what kinds of expectations do you have that he's not meeting?

I agree that if you both come to an agreement, it should be honored....but keep in mind, sometimes people will agree to something even if they don't want to agree to it....either to keep the peace, or because they don't want to rock the boat....or they don't think about what they are agreeing to.

Then, when it comes time to put agreement into action, they THEN realize they don't want to...so instead of speaking up (sparking another convo or argument), they just avoid it.

On the other side...if you make your feelings known....it really doesn't mean that he is going to agree with you...and that's a risk you take sharing your feelings...the other person has a choice to do something about it...or not....agree or disagree.....and he won't always agree.

It is hard giving up your own sense of stability and "space" to live with someone else...since I have always been the "responsible" one in the relationship, my guys have always moved in with me...I think I would also struggle if I moved in with someone else....giving up my own sense of what I achieve....and living in someone else's space....something that is not mine...and if we end, where do ***I*** go...there is no safety net there.

talk it out....that's what helps me.

April 21, 2007
10:19 pm
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fantas
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Artist2, look at the thread about red flags in relationship. the whole thread is really good.
Not to excuse the bf but I have found that you could be saying one thing to him and he is hearing another. Make sure he gets you. No idea how one does that.I guess that's where communication comes in. But that's only helpful if you are getting each other in the first place. All the best

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