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Tribute to girlfriends
October 5, 2001
6:41 pm
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Molly
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October 5, 2001
6:45 pm
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Molly
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did it again. Well this morning, knee deep in mud the phone rang, and my friend Chris was having a melt down, and desperately needed a shopping partner. She vented, I commented, we had lunch she bought a few things, and made me buy as well. In the end we just looked at each other with gratitude for being there for each other, no judgement, just fun. So, here is to all of you women who have supported me, and us on line, the e-mails the threads and yes, the shopping. Thank Goodness for our friends. ugh sisters count too.

October 7, 2001
12:27 am
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damaged
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I guess I kind of have to laugh at this one. All of my friends (girl friends) are gone. Well thats not true I still have my best friend still around. I guess I need to learn not to go to bed with all of my girl friends. Maybe they would still be around. Sometimes this really bothers me and sometimes I really don't give a sh$t. Oh well heres to all the good friends out there in the big world.

October 7, 2001
12:53 pm
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Molly
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Damaged, you crack me up, don't you know the best way to ruin any friend ship is to sleep with them??????? Gosh, duh, and duh again. Keep it to shopping, and casual flirtation, your also not supposed to sleep with people you work with, common girl. Perhaps, you are just hyperactive sexually, and need to exercise and write more, common laugh.

October 7, 2001
8:08 pm
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damaged
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Molly I guess this should go with out saying, that I shouldn't want to be with my therapist.
Ok let me see if I get this right. I should find a lover that I am not friends with first? And I am not friends with my therapist by the way.

October 7, 2001
9:10 pm
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ms. T
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Isn't it crazy that some women can't see how important it is to bond with other women? Women are too quick to sacrifice relationships with other women in favor of relationships with men who treat them terribly.

October 8, 2001
12:44 pm
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Molly
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Damaged, the question that you pose, or statement that you want clarified, is impossible for me. I get that you have a big empty hole in your soul, or heart. A vast void, that was at one time filled with substance abuse, or acting out in ways that was not self serving. People, sex, relations, can't fill it, only you can, and only when we choose to fill that void our selves are we a whole person. Every one goes through this at one point or another, and the longer we dwell in this place the hungrier we get. You know that sex changes the relationships no matter what they were to us,when we started to have the experience of a connection. Its like the person that wants to make lots of money, do they ever reach their goal, and often so hell bent on getting to that goal, they loose sight of it. So, your still having the feelings for the counselor, hmmmm that is misdirected energy, that is going to leave you lacking. I don't get that your in a place ready to have a relationship yet, because your still working on your issues. Why don't you write more about this, and write your way through the hunger. Sure its easy for me to sit here and type away, just get over it, even though I know it is a hard mountain to climb, with out knowing what is at the top or the other side of the mountain, but it is so much healthier to focus on the what is, instead of what I want.
For example, humor comming, I wanted to be tan, so I used the faker baker stuff, and now I have orange streaks on my ankles, so now I have filled a void in my day, first by applying, now I get to figure out how to repair, my streaked legs, see there is always something to do. We can't sit idle. Lighten up.

October 8, 2001
11:13 pm
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damaged
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Ok I understand I have a big empty hole in my heart and soul. You say I can only fill that void and not with people,substance,sex etc. That I can only do it my self. How do I do it myself.

You also say you don't think I am ready for a relationship yet. And yes that might be so true. But when does a person know? I don't know if what you had to say to me pissed me off or if I was just kind of in a weird mood. So I said I'll just have sex with out partners and to hell with any relationship bull shi&.

Molly I am not being a smart ass when I ask this question, but have you ever had sex with a friend? Friends make damn good lovers.

October 8, 2001
11:14 pm
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damaged
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And I can not lie!!!

October 9, 2001
12:56 pm
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eve
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molly, yes yes yes, a big salute to all girlfriends. Often enough a friend saved my day, weekend, relationship....

And damaged 🙂 I think it isn't quite the same for you, as you are male. Aren't you expected to have some *real deep* male friendships - go fishing or hiking together and talk about life, women and all other problems? I guess male-male friendships are never as easy going as female-female friendships, though. I think that the trick is that we are better at letting the other one be as she is, no competition, no showing off..

October 9, 2001
1:25 pm
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damaged
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eve thanks your response but yes it is the same for me because I am a female. And yes I do go fishing,biking and all that fun stuff. I would rather go do that any day than shopping at the mall. Or sit home and watch Sunday football.

October 9, 2001
4:07 pm
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eve
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ooops, sorrrry! I never got the hang of fishing, though. I like sitting at the water, waiting and just looking around. But I'm always very glad if I don't catch anything (never caught anything so far). I don't like shopping, and watching football is only funny when there are some more people together and when I don't really watch football. I watch the other people watching football - that's really good. Haven't done that for a while. At the moment I seem to be a loner.
Well, sory again about this male/female thing.

October 9, 2001
4:27 pm
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damaged
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eve no problem. I am pretty easy going I think. You crack me up about the part you are glad you never catch anything. When I was drinking I loved to watch football, now I am finding other interest. I still love football but my team really suxs this year. Its really no fun being a loner either. I know easyer said than done to get out and meat new people. I am at a point in my life I wish I could meet some new friends. Clean and sober friends. Well stay away from thoses malls and just don't put any bait on you hook. LOL

October 9, 2001
5:01 pm
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Molly
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Yea, I have had sex with a friend, and don't think your a smart ass for asking. I have had power sex, where hmmmmm I can get this one, I have had, sex, for the sake of having sex, and tried to be real macho about it.
I have had great sex, to discover there was nothing else that went with it, and bad sex where the relationship was great. I have discovered that the relationship is greater than the sex. Power sex leaves you empty, sex, for the macho sake of sex, was empty as well, and the friend, well she and I are still friends, and just joke about it. I also have several friends that we joke about having sex, but never ever will. I guess when we are really ready for a relationship is when we don't want or need one. Our lives are so busy, that its like a cross to bear, but if we let it happen, its like a tall glass of water. Doesn't matter if your gay, straight or bi, of course the bi, thing does create more opportunities for more confusion, but what is life with out confusion. Often I have thought that masterbation is the greatest solution, but I think you can only do that for so long as you, or we miss the closness. Gets the home run, with out the BS like you said. Those that have the busiest lives I think do it the most. But it sort of becomes a tool to avoid the relational issues. Hell what do you do when your partner brings you home power tools? All that passion and stuff is short lived, better to have a good friend, and a power tool, if you can't have a lover in your friend. Man, I thought I didn't have any patience.

October 11, 2001
1:14 am
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damaged
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Sex with a girlfriend. I am amazed!!!
I like what you had to say about all the different kinds of sex. I mostly had drunk sex. I bet I was just a load of fun. I am still having sex with my best friend and ex-girl friend. It seems to be going good until I know she is out with someone else and then I start acting like a man. Its ok for me to go out but not you. Dosen't thats sound just like a man. I even fall asleep after sex with out partners. Just like a man, bust your nut and off to sleep.
Molly this is a question you can answer if you chose. Would you ever go there again with a friend and did you like it with your friend? Just wondering!!!

October 11, 2001
12:47 pm
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pam g fu
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I have found it hard to find a truly sincere girlfriend, because usually they just stab you in the back. But I have been very fornunate in my later years to have a few very good girlfriends, and they are very dear to me. Treasure your friends for life.

October 11, 2001
1:43 pm
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Ladeska
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Yep, I hear that! Stabs is all I've ever gotten from women. Dogs and cats are more trustworthy.

October 11, 2001
3:34 pm
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Molly
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Its funny as open as I appear to be, I choose very very carefully just who I let into my heart, and inner circle before I call them a friend. Didn't realize there was a test, but my friend who I initiated this thread about, clued me in on it.
With all the work,observation, and associations I have experienced with the gay and lesbian population, the dynamics are the same as heterosexual, each plays a dominate, or feminin role, cracks me up. Even the so called lipstick lesbians, it all evens out.
In my old age and I know it sounded like I had lots of sexual partners, I haven't can still count them on two hands, sex--- just isn't that important to me, sure it would be great, and is sometimes great, but a close bonded trusting, respecting, sharing, being heard relationship is what is important to me to day. there just is a different kind of connection with the same species that with others. Go figure. Would I have sex with a friend, well I am not closed to the possibilities,more than likely it would be more like a very close intimate relationship, is that a fair answer? I am still in a committed, or commitable relationship, and so any external activities, are not a possibility for me, and should I leave, I would not venture into a sexual relationship intentially for a long while. Hell, maybe my libido is just hibernating, or dead.

October 11, 2001
4:13 pm
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Ladeska
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Trust is major and when it's been monkeyed with by those we've trusted - hey, the sexual thing is locked up in all that. Some can do it like it's nothing more than changing a tire, but most of us - have to have time to heal and to think about how close they want anyone again. Doesn't mean we're sexually cold fish or anything of the kind. It means that we have a high standard regarding love and what it means. When we are wounded in that arena by the other partner - not sure your libido is going to jump off the charts and make you so horney you'll want to do anything that moves. Then again, what do I know - some people get turned on by pain - so there goes that theory!

October 11, 2001
7:29 pm
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Alena
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Well then, I have a question. I know Molly and I are in the same generation, not sure about the rest of you. But when we talk about trust, and hand in hand with sex and all that jazz, what's up with the women today in their teens and twenties? I see it on TV, I see it in my neighborhood, hell, I see it in my own family. From bed to bed to bed and no regrets, no commitments, sometimes no names. Is it a colder generation? Is it one that lacks self dignity or is sex with feelings or commitments no longer all that dignified anyway? Is one not related to the other? "hookin up", I believe is just what they do at parties now, just pick someone, drink, have sex, move on to the next party....what's lacking here?? Or is it lacking at all? Or are my gray hairs just speaking now?? I need a touch up..

October 12, 2001
12:37 am
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damaged
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When I was in high school I never had sex with anyone. The only couple of times it was forced on me!! Dose that count? I never really went from bed to bed. Most of my relationships lasted two to four years. Now I worry about aids. I would never want to put my life at risk just for an orgasm. But I probably will someday. Even it I get to know them and I am all in love you never know where they have been. They say you sleep with everyone that they have slept with. Hell than for that matter I don't even know were I have been!!! Scary

October 12, 2001
12:06 pm
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1dvsgirl
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Alena I wouldn't necessarily say we are a colder generation we just have different value system that we are working from. We are waiting longer to get married and in general have more of a look out for myself attitude. We grew up in an era where we were bombarded from 5th grade on about contraception and AIDS and a great number in our generation who grew up with 2 parents who worked or a single parent who worked double so our emotional development and interaction is a little "childish" A lot of our generation use sex as validation of who we are, that we are worthy, that we matter and since we are lacking the skills for truly meaningful healthy relationships we jump from "bed to bed" and unfortunately person to person before we realize that the void we are trying to fill is one we have to fill all on our own. I don't think we are a colder generation, I just think we have a lot more options when it comes to having impersonal relationships (email, chat rooms, etc.). There are some, myself included, who were brought up to treat sex for what it is - a truly personal and intimate expression of love in a committed situation. But we are few and far between. Let's face it I hear all the time on TV, movies, radio and from people I know "It's just sex, what's the big deal as long as you're safe" In a generation that has been brought up on that mantra I'm not surprised at where we are. Time is always cyclic and we are about where we were in the 20's all over again...I'm not making judgement calls because everyone has to find their own way, but maybe we'll get better as we get older?????

October 12, 2001
4:21 pm
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pam g fu
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Ladeska:

That was funny, I can relate.

October 12, 2001
4:33 pm
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pam g fu
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Everyone has their own identity as far as the sex issues. Interesting is what it makes it. I think that by the time you get to the place that I am in my life, sex just doesn’t matter as much as it did when we were younger. We know what we want from our partner and that is what we go for. Sex I believe nowadays is too casual, it is treated like an extracircular activity and for some the reprocusions are devastating to some.

October 13, 2001
8:47 pm
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Alena
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1dvsgirl, I think you did a good job of explaining it to me. I agree with you on most of what you said. There are exceptions to all rules, and those are probably the ones I see and hear about the most. I'm not judging them, I'm just concerned that something is wrong there to have what I consider to be a lack of self worth, is that the word I'm thinking of? But then again, that's coming from the upbringing of you just don't give yourself to everyone. And you know what, just as many chicks were probably sleeping around when I was a kid,(well, maybe not just as many,) but they would sneak. It wasn't so out there in the open. Makes me feel bad for the chicks that hook up with so many different guys and then are waiting to see if they can have a relationship with these guys and the guys are just using them. I wonder if all these young guys are taking the time to be good lovers with these chicks anyway or if they are just quickly moving from one to the next, and every man for himself. Whatever, I guess. But, I enjoyed hearing your very well put opinion on it.

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