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transvestite husband
September 6, 2007
5:49 pm
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mousey
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Hi all,
Firstly let me say that we are all entitled to our opinions. That's what makes us what we are. I am hurting but not so much that I can't see the forest for the trees. I know things in life change. I am an adult, at least sometimes. I don't know where I am going, and I know it will be a hard journey but I am sure I will survive all of this. Thanks to each and everyone of you for your input and please keep posting. You are all my lifeline.

September 15, 2007
11:24 pm
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tetley
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mousey, I sorry it has taken me so long to post. My time away with friends was wonderful, but then I came home and things were not good. My husband was very upset with me for going. Whenever I read your postings I feel like I am looking at myself. I understand exactly how you feel. I too have a very hard time trying to understand why he would bring this into our marriage knowing the pain it is causing. I understand it is a compulsion. It really is a form of addiction. However, we do not need to act upon everything our brain tells us to do. Going out with a group is a very big step. My husband hasn't done that yet. Maybe one day he will. I understand how you feel about trust. I find it very hard to trust my husband now. I have trouble believing in what he tells me. I don't trust everything he says now. I believe he means well but can not always follow through. He told me he would stop buying more clothes. He has so many outfits, it's almost like a compulsion just to buy the cloths, shoes, bras etc. He has spent a small fortune. During the summer we were going away. He was packing his clothes and I asked him where he got a few of his shirts. He told me he bought them from old navy. I told him I knew they were womans clothes and I felt disrespected because he was trying to pass them off like mens. He thought I wouldn't notice. The buttons were on the wrong side. I told him you could buy the same type of shirt in the mens department why do you go to the womans? He really had no answer for me. 32 years is a long time to be with someone. I can't imagine being without him yet there are days when I think it just might be easier. There are days when I am fine I just refuse to think about it and then there are days when I think of nothing but this. I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. For now I am staying as long as it doesn't escalate. If it does than I know I must leave. I love my husband but sometimes love is not enough. Please keep posting It really makes me feel good to finally get this out. I have been dealing with this by myself afraid to tell anyone. I think about you alot and share your pain. Hang in there.

September 16, 2007
7:10 pm
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mousey
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Hi Telley,
Good to hear from you. Just to let you know I met with a woman who runs a very small support group for wives. She is truly wonderful and she made me feel so much better about myself and the situation. She knew about her husband before they got married but she said she didn't understand what she was getting into. They have been married for 26 years and have a daughter. The most upsetting part is that she said her husband was strictly a cross dresser ocassionaly but now has escalated. She told me everything is a battle with him dressing. I am going to meet the rest of the group in a week or two. The main issue is so many people tell me it can turn into bisexualism. That scares me soo much. I will not tolerate that. I'm not sure I can tolerate the level that it is at now. I have to run. I will post again soon. Keep writting.

September 16, 2007
7:49 pm
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mousey
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Hi tetley,
Sorry I had to run before. Belive me I do understand. I too feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. One day it's not so bad the next I feel like I am in hell. My husband has been treating me better since I found out about all of this. He says he's relieved. I can't but help wonder if he feels that if I see how good he is to me that I will accept all of this. I guess only time will tell. He says the last time he dressed was in June. I guess I have no choice but ti believe him. I don't know what he does when he's home alone. I try to see if any of his clothes are moved but so far I can't tell. When you get a chance try to read my posts under bisexual husband. Talk to you soon. Keep posting.

September 20, 2007
10:29 pm
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tetley
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mousey hi. I read your posting under bisexual husband. I think you had every right to give out the web site. Your husband put himself on it, therefore you did not invade his privacy. He did that to himself. My husband claims that most transvestites are not bisexual. He says it is really all about the cloths. I am sure some men to become bisexual but not all. I visited the website and I can understand how you feel. One time my husband took pictures of himself dressed up and I had a hard time looking at them. I love my husband but I have a hard time looking the same way at him sexually. Many transvestites want to make love to a women dressed as a women. This is a total turn off for me. Just as a man is attracted to certain things about a women, there are manly things that I find attractive. My husband says take off the clothes and I am the same person. But in my mind I see him dressed. It is hard to separate the two. Im glad you have found a group to talk to. You need to be able to vent with people who truly understand.
I am very thankful I can vent to you.
Let me just say your feelings are your feelings. You do not have to justify them to anyone. Only you know what you can and can not live with. Have you talked about a compromise. What is he willing to do? Ill talk to you again soon. It is not always easy for me to post because the computer is in our den and someone is always around. Let me know how things go with the group.

September 21, 2007
6:51 am
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taj64
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I have something to say as I was the one that said something on the other post about posting this website. Now if you are listening to your husband and this is true that most transvestites are about the clothes then that truly is what that website is about clothes. Now I looked at the site, it was put out there, so people are going to look when you do post so that is why you should be careful as this was specially out there to see your husband and that is entirely different matter as I did not think that was fair to your husband and getting people to check him out personally, and what I saw were men dressing in clothes and trying out sexy poses, living out some fantasy with the poses and clothes. I did not see too much vulgarity, especially with the one of the husband, some but most of it no. I have actually seen much worse on viewing porn site on sites that I accidently touched and once this guy I dated sent me some site and they were much worse than this and it was ladies. Now my view is that just like this site, you are asking for opinions, comment, etc, so no I did not look at it as invited sex. This is s site for transvestite to communicate and express themselves just like this site it and this is a place where copendents or people come to talk about their relationship problems, it is not any different for a transvestite to talk about their clothes. Im not a tranvestiate nor am I bisexual. I try to accept that people are different and not look down on them as far as clothed, sexual preferences, color or anything. What I frown on are those that get disgusted or judmental on what a person does. People are right when you take off the clothes, it is who you are on the inside, it is the personality or the person you love. I apologize for keep jumping in liek this but there are many opinions and mine is just one of them. You can disagree or not. It is ok for women to express themselves in sexy ways, even with the clothes but for men that like these clothes it is not acceptable. And i think it is along the lines of being prejudice. What is different about these men because they dress differently anyway, are they less loving, are they less smarter, are they less of what? Yes it is a matter of attraction and between men and women we all have our own taste and looks to me like somehow the attraction is not there. It definately is a hard place to be to be married to someone you are no longer attracted to. I felt that way about my husband when we separated, I started to lose my attraction and that was because I did not trust him anymore so maybe this is more of a matter of trust, losing that trust, there are lot of underlying issues beside the clothes. I certainly do understand the issue here but I have to disagree about this website that was posted. It is not any differnt than a lot of website, like myspace, it is just with men in women's clothes, trying to express themselves and their views, just like this site expressing views and opinions. Really you need to ask the husband what his motive as invited someone to talk could be about anything, might be naive to tihnk it but assuming can sometimes be wrong. It is something to think about anyway. Good luck, relationships and being married can be very difficult when you hit a rough spot.

September 21, 2007
8:39 am
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Anonymous
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I wonder how many men would be ok with their wives dressing in underwear and sexy lingerie and posting it online, exchanging emails and etc...

Um...how many men do you think would be ok with that???

I do agree, we should not judge someone on their clothes, and its sad so many women end their marriages cause their husband wants to wear clothes and makeup now and then...worse things to be wrong with a man than that I think, alot worse really.

If we really love someone, we care more of who they are in the inside, treat them with respect and allow them to be human, with flaws and all, that is true love.

However, this is something I would even consider marriage counseling for, even seperation, it is going way too far, it is advertising yourself and its lewd.

September 21, 2007
9:41 am
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mousey
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Hi all,
Once again, it is not about dressing in the clothes. It is advertising himself on a website in provacative posses with an e-mail address. Do you have any idea how many e-mails I saw from men with meeting places and times, e-mail addresses and phone #'s. Is that what I'm supposed to accept? NOT ASKING FOR AN OPINION. What about the fact that if he truly loved me or cared about not hurting me he would have come to me and discussed all of this openly & honestly. For instance, I just found out, accidently, that in Feb 05 & Feb 06 this group had a gala on a Sat night. He told me both times he was going to Atlantic City for the weekend with a group of guys from work. He spent Sat night in a hotel with the people from the gala and came home on Sun afternoon. Is that fair to me. AGAIN, NOT ASKING FOR OPINIONS. In talking to many wives of transvestites I hear the same thing over & over. The more you allow them to do, the worse it gets. You give them an inch and they take a foot. I do not choose to live that way. I want peace in my life. I don't want to worry about where he is and what he is doing. Especially if he is safe. Thank you survivorofaabuse it is going too far. He told me it makes him feel good when people admire him. So for all the people that believe transvestism is just a fetish, look a lot deeper. There is definetly more to it than an psychologist or psychiatrist says. Just ask any one of the women who is living this life. They will be happy to share it. The woman who leads the group for wives has know about her husband for 26 years and she said he started wearing underwear & stockings under his clothes and now he goes out in public in full dress. When they go on vacation he brings his clothes and they go out at least one full day together. She hates it. She said just once she would like to vacation with her husband without his other personality. So for anyone who thinks it's just the clothes I hate to break the news to you but in most cases you would be wrong. It may start that way but trust me it does stay that way. And taj64, you're right it is the person that's inside but sometimes that person gets lost and what you have left is a stranger that you don't know at all. It's very hard to hear someone you love tell you he doesn't know why he needs to do this, but he just does. And if it were just the clothes it would be different but to rather be with the group than his wife crosses the line. And I'm sorry if you think I am judging him but unfortunately that is part of what life is about. We don't live in a perfect world. All we can do is to do the best that we can everyday and hope life is kind.

September 21, 2007
10:01 am
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(((Mousey))) please be well, take care of you, my heart breaks for you, I understand.

Have a good weekend all.

September 21, 2007
1:14 pm
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mousey -

After reading your latest posting, I am very impressed by your courage and your directness. You seem to have a clear and "unfogged" take on this entire nightmare you are enduring. I feel your anguish, while applauding your guts. It is so hard to face what you are facing. But you are doing it.

I hope it helps you to be able to "journal" what you are feeling, by posting on this thread. Sometimes, just getting it out in black & white helps us to face the unbearable. And your situation IS unbearable. And heartbreaking.

Please know that we are here for you.

- Ma Strong

September 21, 2007
2:38 pm
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mousey
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Thank you both survivorofabuse and stronginhim77 for your kind words and your support. Thank you for also being here for me. It helps more than you can ever know. I will get thru this and I will be a better and stronger person for it. I know it will be hard but most things in life are. I will keep you all posted as to what developes.

September 21, 2007
4:38 pm
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That is sooo true Mousey...most things in this life are rough, no doubt bout that one here. Thankfully we can talk bout it, relate and help, and give some insight, it helps when its kind, and nonjudgmental too, nothing hurts more when someone kicks you when your down, but I found that in life, when I am at my lowest, that is when I get kicked the most and end up deserted too, glad your ok here...(((hugs))))

September 22, 2007
5:25 pm
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tetley
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Hi mousey, I read your last post and I agree complety with you. I believe if you give an inch they take a mile. When I tried to accept this I found that out. I tried to let him dress when I was home. Big mistake. He thought he had permission to buy more clothes and wear whatever he wanted. whenever my children were not home he was dressed. I found he was getting annoyed if they were home. I could no take it. Now I have told him there will be no dressing when I'm home. I know it is just a matter of time before we end up in an argument over this. He knows if this happens I will leave. I know I can not live with seeing him dressed. It is so much more than just the clothes. There are alot of other things going on in there heads weather they want to admit it or not. I understand when you say after 32 years you find yourself with a man you do not know. Your right the person does get lost and becomes a total stranger to you. I think they are trying to convince themselves that it is just the clothes but deep inside they know it is more. Now my husband wants to get a tatoo of a butterfly. I told him I think that is a little too feminine

September 22, 2007
5:31 pm
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tetley
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Hi mousey, I read your last post and I agree complety with you. I believe if you give an inch they take a mile. When I tried to accept this I found that out. I tried to let him dress when I was home. Big mistake. He thought he had permission to buy more clothes and wear whatever he wanted. whenever my children were not home he was dressed. I found he was getting annoyed if they were home. I could no take it. Now I have told him there will be no dressing when I'm home. I know it is just a matter of time before we end up in an argument over this. He knows if this happens I will leave. I know I can not live with seeing him dressed. It is so much more than just the clothes. There are alot of other things going on in there heads weather they want to admit it or not. I understand when you say after 32 years you find yourself with a man you do not know. Your right the person does get lost and becomes a total stranger to you. I think they are trying to convince themselves that it is just the clothes but deep inside they know it is more. Now my husband wants to get a tattoo of a butterfly. I told him I think that is a little too feminine. He thinks I'm over reacting. Maybe I am, but with everything else you can't help but over react. I am very sensitive to anything feminine now. I just wanted you to know I could not of expressed how I feel any better than the way you posted it. Take care. I'll post again soon. I'm thinking of you.

September 24, 2007
3:15 pm
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mousey
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taj64,
I know this is after the fact but I guess I'm confussed about something. The people on this site are anynomous. So if I tell people that that is my husband what difference does it make to him or to you. You know me as mousey. You have no idea who I am, what I look like or where I live. Same goes for my husband. So technically, I've given up very little information. Maybe that will make you feel better about my invading his privacy.

September 24, 2007
4:16 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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mousey,

by posting this website you RISK people figuring out who you are.

Who knows if your neighbor or best friend come here, under an assumed name. If they did, they could EASILY figure out that it was your husband and you are so and so.

It may not seem like a big deal - BUT it can be.

For me - my ex "figured out" what website I was on - simply by googling codependency (he was trying to learn more cuz that's what doc said I had) and he read posts here, enough to figure out who I was...which didn't hurt me THEN - cuz there was nothing I said here that I did NOT say to him to his face.

BUT

later on when we broke up, it was bitter and ugly and he followed what I was doing, and knew all the information on my private life, feelings, pain, etc....he did use this against me and in many ways, I fear he STILL lurks...tho it's been almost two years. It was made known to me that he knows all the details of my life, yet the only way he COULD know is thru here....but I can't prove it.

So, my privacy has been hurt over this.

Maybe in your case it won't be - but it's hard to gauge when it will or won't be...so to protect ALL of us here - it's best to keep anonymous.

Trust me, you do not want to risk losing your posting priveledges here - and you will if you post personal information that can help anyone identify you or contact you via this website.

Another thing - say you post your husbands info - and someone here gets vindictive - they could go to that website and email your husband and tell him that you are posting here and cause who knows what kind of trouble for you. You don't want that. When I posted here, I mistakenly (and maybe purposely) posted his email address - some people wrote to him in my defense, but others weren't so nice.

Again, BE CAREFUL - your anonymity is paramount to the functioning of this website...and the moderator WILL revoke priveleges if necessary...and you may not ever get them back.

If you still don't understand why it's important, please email the moderator (site coordinator) and ask for further clarification....it's not worth risking being booted from here when there is wonderful support to be found here.

September 24, 2007
4:41 pm
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caraway
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Mousey,

Just catching up on this one; when are you getting a divorce? Why would you continue to stay in a realtionship that makes you feel bad?

You have presented enough evidence and have most everyone's approval that you are not the bad guy here; sa walk.

Cary

September 24, 2007
6:31 pm
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taj64
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Dear Mousey, I don't need to feel better about anything. My feelings don't really count with all that you have going on. Of course I think your feelings are important. I just happen to think that posting a website is one thing, but to specifically ask people to look at your husbands cross dressing, somehow doesn't seem right here, seems to invade his privacy. I think words would do just fine on the site. Maybe to help you understand where I was coming from would be to ask yourself how would you feel if your husband got on this site, found you, and posted on his site about you. I could be wrong but I don't think you would like it very much. You say you love your husband, part of being in a marriage is being respectful towards each other and also respecting each other's privacy. Somehow when I saw you post that it may have crossed that line. It was not to be mean towards you at all. It is only an opinion - mine is not the only one - and you don't even need to listen to mine. Besides this is not really the issue, the issue is that you are unhappy in this relationship, and you need to figure out what you want, stay or go. It is painful to have to come to terms with the end or near the end of a relationship. Even if you have hard feelings for your husband, he is still a person even if nobody knows who he is, I think somehow he would be offended. Relationships are about two people and each other's feelings. It sounds like there is a major communication problem with you too. Might be a good time to sit down and talk it out and each of you make a decision. Communication is the most important key to a successful relationship and so is trust. Even when coming to a major decision this way should you decide that you don't want to live this way, you will need to communicate this to him. I like many here feel your pain as it is hard to realize people do change over time but not in the way you want to and sometimes there is nothing you can do about it but do what is best for you and move on. Or work on yourself to live with it. I agree with Strong here, and to be proud of what you can do to and just to keep hanging in there as you do. I realize I opened a can of worms here with the concern of posting that site, I dont actually care about the site itself but I saw concern for other's privacy and mostly trying to be respectful. But ultimately you are right, my feelings do not matter and it is not my business. Actually nothing on this site is my business when you thikn about it. I probalby should not have said anything, as I just saw red flag. You feel so badly about your husband, so I hope you do find an answer for you. You're pretty brave to have come this far, keep trying for that answer though very hard to figure it out. Hang in there, hard times do pass. if you let it.

September 24, 2007
7:15 pm
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mousey
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Hi all,
I must not be explaining this correctly. The reason I gave the website was to show the people that believe that it is ONLY about the clothes that it is not. I am not asking for sympathy but unless you live the life or know someone who is a transvestite you truly can not understand. And as far as staying in a bad relationship, it has only been bad for me for the last few months. I only found out in July. He has gotten rid of all his clothes and has asked me to stay and give him a chance to stop dressing. I have agreed for the time being but I also told him that I will make no promises as to the outcome. I'm sure most people can understand that when you have had over 30 years of good it is hard to walk away. Even after everything most of me still loves him regardless of how much he has hurt me but now I will be thinking of me first.

September 24, 2007
8:03 pm
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Anonymous
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No..people can and will judge but yes until they had been in your shoes, they really have no right too...you do what is best for you, when it is right for you too, its your call..not anyone elses here, that is your business here, take care mousey:)

September 25, 2007
12:32 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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mousey,

I did understand why you did it.

I simply was trying to explain why it's against policy here - and the risks of doing it.

Trust that if you say it's "beyond clothes" then we will believe you - you don't need to prove anything to anyone here.

Your thoughts, feelings and beliefs are real - and we will trust what you say....posting his website is unnecessary - tho I understand you may simply want someone to validate your feelings by seeing what you see....perhaps you don't trust your feelings regarding what you see and want others to validate them or whatever.

But trust what you feel - your feelings are true - they are real - they are yours and you own them.

We can look and see, and agree or disagree - but in the end, the only thing that counts is what YOU feel.

And I don't want you to get booted from here cuz you posted personal information - that's all.

September 25, 2007
1:54 pm
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lalasgirl
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i avoided this thread for a couple of reasons....i have two males that i know that i care deeply about that dress. one in my family and one a dear friend of mine that played tough guy biker in the other life of his.

to each his own. i will never understand the fetish of some. but i do know that i love them...

i am in agreement that when you post yourself it is about wanting attention and recognition. just like when playboy does a centerfold...it is about attention and recognition.

it is a risk. they become vunerable. my two men/gals want to keep their i.d.'s hidden and enjoy the satin and silks of their private world. i hold their privacy dear. but if they put themselves out there on the net...that is chancey and very risky business....no more privacy. and the masses of the good bad and ugly swoop in on them.

sorry for your pain mousey....i can understand you. we as children were never taught about life crisis or deviant lifestyles and how to cope....most coping skills come from bad experiences. it does hurt when we think we know and we find out different. take strength in these threads to help you get to an understanding.

i just always had to think of my two guys as four people. totally different personalities from two men when they become two women. and along with those new personas comes a whole new set of life trauma and drama.

ever notice how a man turning into a woman is more of a woman than we women?

September 25, 2007
2:02 pm
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glittered when he walked
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mousey,

So your husb is now going to try to stop cross-dressing? I re-read your very first post wherein the psychologist said if he tries to stop he'll be miserable. have thought and feeling about this - mind you - i'm not being accusatory here, just curious about how you feel.

For the record, I did go visit the website you mentioned in another thread, and tried to put myself in your shoes. I would have been so shocked. I see your point, it would appear to me like it was more than just how the clothes made him feel...it looked like an attempt to be attractive for other men...the quote was "I love being a woman." i just wonder where that being a woman ends..does it end at gender attraction? has he explained this

My heart goes out to you...it's a lot to handle. I just would have to wonder if he'd be capable of no longer cross dressing firstly, and then if he did, would he resent you?

September 25, 2007
2:19 pm
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Anonymous
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i don't know, with my new news of my husband might be going blind now, this crossdressing to me, seems so much more bearable...I am scared to death, won't be back but just wanted to say here, be glad he has his eyesight...mine may be blind soon.

September 25, 2007
5:03 pm
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taj64
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Dear Mousey, I ditto what Rising said. Every relationship is different, I always believe that. IF you feel he is crossing the line then he is. Personally I think this website has a mixure of people on there. Like any place, including this place. in my opinion if he is interacting with others in a sexual tone, then he is (my opinion) cheating. Cheating comes in various degrees but to me there is no such thing as a little cheating. Ask yourself if he has not stopped this behavior and he has not stopped dressing then do ask your self why do you stay with him. Love is not about being hurt all the time. Sure you can love a person, doesnt make it a healthy relationship. If you ending up hurting all the time, then you are wasting your precious time in this relationship. You did invest a lot of time but ask yourself how much more are you going to invest. Quality does not equal quantity. This is not any different than another other issue that people put up with. If you are hurt in a relationship constantly, it doesn't matter what the issue is, everyone that has experience any kind of hurt, they know what it is like. Hurt is hurt, and most people that come on here have had painful experiences. Now if you truly want to recover from your hurt, you have to take care of yourself, that is what you are doing, and you know this. Opinions are just opinions, you seem to have a grasp on exactly what you can do here. Regardless of how this may be different than most situations, as having been pointed out many times, sometimes things are so ingrained in a person that they simply cannot change not even for another person, even if it is painful or hurtful to that person. Acceptance might have to come into play. It appears that both of you are stuck at this level. Only you know inside what you will do, you right, nobody can judge. Maybe nobody does understand your situation, that might be true, but certain everyone or most know about personal pain. That I think people do understand and that is what people are doing here trying to help you with your pain. Not focus on what people think of tranvestitate. What you had is gone. And the same is said for your husband, that guy is gone. Only today can be worked on so that tomorrow and the rest are better. Good luck Mousey, I surely hope you feel better soon.

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