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transvestite husband
August 29, 2007
9:34 pm
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Anonymous
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Lying bout it def doesn't help matters and then it being on your bday too, not good. I would feel very badly too bout that, I am here to listen and support you, I know how you feel, I hope I can help you and anyone else who comes along here, I know it helps me to talk bout it too here. Nite all, I gotta get up really early in the am, see you all again tomorrow.

August 30, 2007
6:54 am
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thedogsmom
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((((mousey)))) and ((((tetley))

I haven't walked in your shoes..and wouldn't want to..as I believe I would feel as you two do. Very hurt and afraid and turned-off and confused.
I once again admire your open-mindedness and maturity in allowing ALL people here to express thier opinions...and hash-out-- the numerous feelings on this topic of tranvestite husbands.
I admire EVERYONE's courage in stating their 'opinions' and taking the time to write about how they feel about this subject...whether it is something I or mousey or tetly or anyone chooses to agree with..or ponder over...or not.
Without different perspectives...we wouldn't grow or learn much.
Thanks to all.
TDM

August 30, 2007
7:56 am
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dogsmom,

I too have a husband who dresses and since he does this when I am not around,and is not forcing the issue with me, there is no problem here. I was hurt and afraid but I also grew and learned from this ordeal and learn acceptance, well as much as one can anyhow...just wanted you to know that~!

August 30, 2007
11:55 am
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caraway
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I am attempting to point out here that I don't think that approaching this subject from a Christian or any religious point of view is pointless. This is about this man's need to express something inside.

I am hearing words like "abeeration" and realize that is a word typically used in scripture. I hear Sad Mike reminding me that I am not an expert on RELIGION and the BIBLE...I grew up in the church, still believe in God, but not all the experts who try and stuff their interpretation of a book written by men who generally wanted to keep women in their place.

If this society would stop trying to teach people to look and act a certain way, and condeming them for being who they are, we would all be better off. "Senator Larry E. Craig of Idaho pleaded guilty to disorderly conduct after making what a police officer described as sexual advances from an adjoining". All this guy is worried about is that someone won't think he is gay! Dude, you were trying to have sex with a man in a bathroom, of course you are GAY! If he wasn't rasied so HOMOPHOBIC by a CHRISTIAN hate majority he would probably be living happily somewhere with his GAY partner. He would have never married a woman and lied to her to try and fit what the world tells him he should be like. He would be himself.

This kind of expectation that a boy play with certain toys and has role from day one to "act like a boy" is something we do to people that creates shame when it isn't who one is.

This man has a need to wear different clothes, leave him if you don't like it, but don't expect him to continue to pretend that he isn't who he is just so you won't be embarrased.

I hear people say that they love in spite of, or they "have black friends", or "gay friends". Well stop doing favors and love PEOPLE as they are.

Cary

August 30, 2007
12:04 pm
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I used to be a christian and I don't think they HATE anyone, that is what they believe and it offends people, and I don't believe they want to HATE anyone...they are trying to follow in what they believe to be the truth, I may not agree wholeheartly, but they have that right here.

I do agree we should love people as they are. As long as they are kind and respectful to us, we should try to allow people to be who they are and think how they want. Sad we don't do that, very sad indeed.

Just my two cents here, my own thoughts.

August 30, 2007
4:48 pm
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caraway
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Just frustrated by the feeling that the moral compass of so many is driven by the fear of what others may think of us for expressing ourselves.

Sorry for the outburst.

Cary

August 30, 2007
4:58 pm
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((((caraway))))

August 30, 2007
5:20 pm
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lost lady72
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mousey,
Just a small question, are his parents alive? are you the only one who knows his secret besides his new gang?

Does he have brothers or sisters that know, people that know him, really know him.

LL

August 30, 2007
5:52 pm
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glittered when he walked
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cary,

hang in there. I agree with you in principle and i think most of us do. I don't think people who say i have black friends or gay friends are doing them a "favor" per se...I just think that when that is mentioned they are trying to tell others "I'm accepting of people for who they are." It's probably either uttered in a defensive posture when assused of being judgmental or close minded, or through some self-ego stroking endeavor. I think if you were to ask them, most of them would say, well he/she is my friend who is gay, or black, or whatever. I had a friend who was gay and would tell me "i have this friend, she's straight...yadda yadda. it's pretty much the same thing. i really don't know anyone who claims to have black or gay friends simply because they think they need a favor.

August 30, 2007
7:29 pm
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I had many of my gay friends call me their straight girlfriend...cause most of their friends weren't, it just help ideitfy who i was...I was never hurt or insulted.

However, I am sure there are people out there who say that cause they want to impress someone and seem as if they are tolerant when they are not.

Depends... the situation is differnt for individuals maybe.

August 30, 2007
9:46 pm
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mousey
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Hi all,
Just wanted to answer some of your questions. For starters, both our parents are dead. He has one sister and two brothers who know nothing about this. I am the only one other than his "gang" as you called them who knows.
Caraway: you simplify this much too much when you say the man has a need to wear different clothes so if I can't accept it leave him. I wonder- have you ever been married? Do you know what it's like to commit yourself to someone for 32 years and then find out that you really never knew that person at all. If I had been told before we got married and I chose to accept it that would be different. But to find out now and under the circumstances of the deceit and the lies is not at all fair to me. It doesn't make me a bad person if I choose not to accept this behavior. It's not a matter of being embarrased by him. It's a matter of realizing that what appeared to be a happy, well adjusted man who always had the answers and who was my rock is now a sad, lost and confused person. It's all in the perception. I still love him but I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who needs to do this. If that makes me shallow then so be it.
And it has nothing at all to do with religion and god, at least for me. It has do with priorities. The way he's acted towards me for the last two years has shown me what is more important to him.

August 31, 2007
12:31 am
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Matteo
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mousey ~ I really understand your point, but I also think that you have to accept that people do change over time, that you both evolved into two different people than you were 32 years ago and that his deception is not and cannot be 32 years old. I understand if you wouldn't be able to accept him the way he is now, but that doesn't mean that he wasn't truthful to you for the last 32 years.

August 31, 2007
1:40 am
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mousey, tetly and all.
good discussion - I'm sorry that it comes hand in hand with the unbearable pain, confusion and mixed feelings. While I haven't walked in your shoes and know that comparing a transvestite to a drug addict is NOT the same thing or a fair comparison....I feel that I am able to understand just a bit how you feel about the whole trust issue...

My boyfriend decided to try meth at the ripe age of 47--go figure...and because he felt that If I knew about it... that I wouldn't react kindly and would likely leave him...he hid it from me...and led this whole 'secret' life with 'secret-friends'.

I too had SO much trust for him and thought our relationship was Wonderful! He was the Perfect man for me in my eyes and I felt so secure with him for all those years.

With his secret life of drugs... a whole string of lies and betrayal began. At first I was totally blind to it ...NEVER suspecting that drugs was the problem. I felt him pulling away..I started to doubt what he was telling me.. I started to protect myself and pulled away myself... the sex life started to fail... and then the tangled web of lies....blew up...and I KNEW 'something' was wrong.

My first thought was that maybe he was gay..and unhappy and leading a double life. I questioned him about this endlessly .. He denied it and got angry about my questions and suspicions. Then I thought he was either cheating or doing drugs. He admitted it...and I reacted angrily as he suspected I I would and told him our relationship was over.

I then believed that since I took him as my husband in a commited relationship (not by law) that perhaps I should try to work things out and not give up so easily...He was still the same nice person who treated me with kindness ... I still loved him dearly and couldn't imagine life without him. I don't know too much about addiction...but felt if it is a 'disease' that he needed help and understanding. Of course... forcing him to go to rehab for me and the relationship didn't help. He must decide what he wants to do and do it on his own.

The point here is that I was not so upset about the fact that he tried drugs...but very HURT about the secret life and the lies for two years!.... the continual lies! He too..chose drugs over spending my birthday with me... chose to spend his time with 'the secret gang' instead of spending time with me. The fact that this man I loved could and did hurt and betray me this way...still cuts like a knife.

Trust is everything in a relationship and your husband has lost that trust by not confiding in you sooner. I thought that my boyfriend/husband loved and trusted and knew me well enough to share his life with me..the good and the bad.. That is the way I felt about him.

I tried to get the message across about how it was a trust issue. I believe once addicted it is NOT an easy feat to just stop doing it. I don't know enough about transvestites but would have to agree with what you have said about somebody really 'choosing' such a difficult lifestyle for themselves..knowing it won't make life easier. I certainly don't believe people 'choose' to be gay. I think you are either gay or you are not. (I do believe that you can choose to sleep with a person of the same sex just for the sake of trying it or having sex...but I don't think that makes you a gay person--just a sexual experimenter or sexually free person.)

If it is not a choice...then you really have no choice yourself except to either take it or leave it. Hard to do when it is still such a new shocker and the feelings of love are still there.
At some point...however the transvestite or drug addict does make a choice to spend their time away from you...making the 'gang' their priority... and I'm sure that ...that is what cut you so deeply. That he 'wanted' to spend your birthday with those friends and chose to do it and lie about it. That this man who you have viewed as your rock...has a different face and side to him..that you never knew existed. That you could be so 'fooled' for so long...and that he would and did continue to hide his true self from the person that loved him the most.

It's truly the act of betrayal and the lack of trust..that seems to be eating at you. I'm glad that it is out in the open now, painful as it might be because now in knowing it makes it more 'fair'. NOW you have a choice about whether YOU want to or whether you are able to accept the 'real' him.
And the real 'him' isn't what you agreed on when you married him. It's something that you don't understand and therefore don't feel comfortable with. It's something you may not be able to accept in the long run no matter how hard you try to.

I guess I'm rambling a bit ...but this topic..really has me pondering about why I feel the way I do. I do tend to like 'girly' kind of men..and I do...have 'gay' friends- some who act a bit feminine. I find woman attractive..but have no desire to have sex with a woman...nor a man dressed like a woman. Why? could I ..if I tried? I truly don't know.

I hope marriage counseling and learning more will bring you answers that you can live with in peace.
sorry for rambling so...
TDM

September 1, 2007
8:28 am
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mousey
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Hi all,
Just wanted to check in. Feeling a little better today. Wanted to answer Matteo. Just want to say that I realize that people change and that neither one of us is the same as we were 32 years ago. And I'm sure he didn't know he was like this 32 years ago so he couldn't tell me. But I believe when you truly love someone you do your best to change towards each other and not away from each other. To this point I have never allowed myself to do anything MAJOR to make me a different person than the one he married. Maybe I'm just very strong and he isn't. I really believe if he had come to me before we could have discussed it and gone for counseling and then I would have understtod it and realized I either had to accept it or leave. It would have been a joint decision as all should be in a marriage. This way I am still forced to accept it ( if I choose ) but have lost a lot of respect for him. That's the part that hurts the most. I also am so disappointed that something is more important to him than "us". This has been a true eye opener for me and I realize that right now I need to put me before us.

September 1, 2007
10:42 am
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I don't think men who do this are being selfish or trying to turn away from us, I do think its a very strong need and emotion and its something you can't wish away and not change bout you. We all have faults and things bout us that others will not like, or accept...its just how life is. I don't think men set out to do this so that they can distance their wives or girlfriends, it is part of WHO they are inside and its like you being forced to act like a man...try to imagine that, wouldn't be any fun for most of us who like makeup and dresses, would it?

September 1, 2007
9:30 pm
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((( mousey)))
I agree that in a marriage you should have open and honest communication. If you decide to change jobs, invest money, take up a new hobby..etc..these are things to discuss together. Honesty and trust..is NECESSARY for a good relationship.
However, even IF he had confided in you BEFORE he started cross-dressing or going out with the group...You still would be where you are at now, ..in counseling and deciding whether you can accept it and stay..or leave. True you would have had much more trust..toward him.. and therefore more respect for him...

but.. He didn't come to tell you because..he was "afraid". He was afraid of losing your love and respect. Perhaps you are stronger than he is. Perhaps he is weaker than the 'rock' you thought.

He is saying he is sorry for hurting you..sorry for not telling you..and he did finally confide the truth.. He is willing to go to counseling.. He is asking for your acceptance and approval 'before' he goes out..and he is saying that he still loves you the same and wants to continue to stay in the marriage. He is trying. He can't take back the past.

Do you really believe that he 'prefers' their company to yours?
He found a group of people...like himself.. people that accept his behavior and can relate and understand him. It's hard to pretend you are someone you are not. With them he can be himself and enjoy it.

I don't think it means he doesn't love you or is looking for something else. We can't be everything to everybody. I get much more comfort talking to my friends about certain things than speaking with my boyfriend. My girlfriends and I can talk about things that my boyfriend has no interest in... clothes, pre-menopause.. etc...

If being a transvestite is as you and others here state...a true state of mind that the person feels that need..because it is a part of him. It is 'who' he is..... If it is not a choice like gambling or golfing..... then I think you should try to reconsider your feelings about him
making that MORE important than you or your marriage. It sounds like your marriage IS very important to him.. but this is who he is.. and he wants you to understand that.

I know it is hard..because it is all so NEW and still so much that none of us understand... but in your heart..do you feel that he truly loves you? and that he really wants the marriage to work?

TDM

September 1, 2007
9:48 pm
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I have to agree with dogsmom, this issue is more bout their love and respect for each other here than whether he chooses to dress like a woman. I think the focus should remain on if they love each other enough here to work through it and find a compromise, I know that with over 13 years of marriage, and I speak from experience here, much of love and committment is a conmpromise and bending, something we do when we love someone, as they should also do that as well for us but no one should be taking account to who is doing more or less here, true love does not keep records and always always accepts and trys to understand and forgive.

September 2, 2007
12:47 am
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red blonde
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Mousy ~

I haven't read ALL the posts. Just want to tell of my experience with - I am not sure what this person was - he/she, cross-dresser (is a transvestite a cross-dresser?) or transexual.

It started out his being 'normal' as I guess as 'normal' as a male. Then it progressed to cross-dressing, okay - that was a shock to me. (I was not in the position to walk away from this at the time.) and then it escalated into him masturbating in front of me and, after that, to him wanting me to treat him as a female...sexually. This totally horrified me. I finally got out of the situation I was in...but the fear and disgust were still there even after therapy.

I don't know how I would react to someone whom I loved now...revealing to me that he was a cross-dresser or transvestite....I guess I would run.

September 2, 2007
9:56 am
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Dear Mousy -

What you are enduring is beyond my own, personal experience. I can only imagine how much emotional pain you feel. Your husband and companion of 32 years is pursuing a path of behavior which has shocked and devastated you. It has rocked the core of trust which is the foundation of every solid marriage. My heart goes out to you.

I hope that you will not try to disregard or suppress your own feelings about this sad situation. Whether your husband's behavior is acceptable to others -- or not -- makes no difference. The bottom line is that YOUR feelings and YOUR shock and YOUR woundedness are legitimate. We recognize them. We honor them. You are entitled to feel ALL of them.

Sometimes, I think we have become a people so intent upon defending the rights of the minorities and/or those who don't "fit the norm" that we lay heavy burdens on those who ARE NOT in the minority or who are shocked or wounded by the actions of others. Each of us has an intrinsic right to have the legitimacy of our personal beliefs and feelings honored.

I hope you find alot of personal support, while walking through this valley. You are facing an incredible loss. You are grieving. And there are no "black & white" answers for your dilemma.

If you can seek out personal counseling for yourself, that might be very beneficial. It is so important that you acknowledge your feelings and that no one criticize or put you down for those feelings. You have, indeed, been hurt and betrayed. I believe that you are entitled to acknowledgment of this and to whatever support and help is available to you for coping with such a blow.

- Ma Strong

September 2, 2007
11:05 am
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I will agree there is not white and black answer for this, and the answer may be in shades of gray too. The answer is really lies within you and no one else here...and if you want to work on your marriage or leave him, that will come in time, I would find a counselor, take some time away to think and go slowly with this. Personally that is what I would do, esp if you have children. Just my two cents, hope I had helped you on this, I will not post anymore here, I did want to wish you well, cause I speak from experience and I know how you feel, I do. Take care and be well.

September 3, 2007
6:52 pm
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mousey
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Hi everyone,
I'm doing ok. We were awoay for the weekend, on our boat. Things went ok. Just wanted to say, am not rushing into any decisions. Am meeting a woman next week that has a wives group for transvestites and transexuals. Will learn all I can before I make my decision. I do love him and I think he loves me. Yes, am very hurt but honestly trying to put that behind me. I will be honest and say that my beliefs in my marriage have changed and I'm not sure if I can get back what we had. I guess only time will tell. Thanks for all your help. Will talk soon.

September 5, 2007
10:18 pm
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mousey
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Hi all,
Having a bad night tonight. My "husband" wants to go out with the group tomorrow night but doesn't want to go unless I'm ok with it. Well, I'm not and I don't think I ever will be. I told him he needs to do what he needs to do for himself because if he waits for me to say it's ok it will never happen. I don't mean to be selfish but I need to think about me now. I need to prepare myself to live a life on my own. Tetley, if you are out there please post. How was your weekend? Hope you had fun. You need that to come back to our situations. Certainly not the worst things in life but certainly not what I expected at 54, a life on my own. Guess I'm feeling a little sorry for myself.

September 6, 2007
2:08 pm
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Mousey -

I think your response to him was EXCELLENT. It was honest, direct and put the ball where it belongs: squarely in his court.

It is, indeed, hard to find ourselves "alone" at 54. I was widowed at 54 and it hit me very hard. Too old to start over and too young to be alone. A tough age. But we can do it. You CAN do it. You can either choose to remain in this situation or you can be on your own.

His request to join his "friends" kind of blew me away. Seems like he is stepping up the pace, now that the cat is out of the bag. I have no doubt he cares about you, but he appears to care about himself, more. Time will tell. Follow your heart and go where the peace is.

- Ma Strong

September 6, 2007
4:20 pm
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caraway
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Mousey,

Firstly, I want to apologize for saying anything that made you feel judged. You are entitled to any amount of hurt and betrayal that you feel. I am certain that after 32 years of marriage that you are in shock. I am not sure how he could have kept these feelings hidden so well?

I got caught-up in my issues with how the world tries to fit us all into a box and that box is usually built on religious belief. These are my issues and it was inappropriate of me to project my stuff on to your crisis.

As a personal opinion, I would imagine that your husband has stuffed all of these feelings down for so long that he is now acting very selfishly. I think that once someone opens the door just a bit to true feelings that there is no closing it and some resentment toward anyone who dares not understand and support their new-found freedom.

Truth is, I would find it hard to live with someone in this situation and that is why I so quickly suggestied leaving. You asked if I had ever been married, not legally, I am a Gay man and was in a 12 year live together relationship and am now dating someone for the past 3 years. I can't imagine 32 years, I'm 42 years old.

Bottom line, you are hurting and confused and I have acted like an ass. I wish you the strength and love that you need to figure this out.

My sincere apologies,

Cary

September 6, 2007
4:49 pm
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I wonder how many women have a secret life..dressing up like a man? I wonder if men are able to tolerate that more than women who tolerate men who dress? I never heard of it, but I am sure it happens alot.

If it were me, I wouldn't come out of the closet, I be scared too, and I would be afraid of losing my partner and marriage.

Maybe if it can be worked out that a person only does this while alone, while you go shopping with the kids, or that its just a small part of their life and its hidden from you and others, it might be ok and even tolerated and then everyone can go on and be happy?

I know for us, that works, marriage intact, family intact...so far anyhow. Life has enough problems that we can't control, from job loss, to death to you name it out there, life throws us a curve ball, but we can catch that ball, if we try too, and work with it.

Just my two cents for whatever its worth here!

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