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transvestite husband
August 27, 2007
7:41 am
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mousey
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Lost Lady,
Thank you for your kind words and advice. This has not been an easy journey. And I know it's not over yet. I agree with you. I do believe that it might develop into more. I have shared that concern with my husband an he insists that it won't. That's why I need to speak with this wives group. Some of their husbands have been doing this for over 10 years. And I have already determined how long I will give the situation to work out in my head and heart.
Thanks again. Please continue to post.

August 27, 2007
2:53 pm
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thedogsmom
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mousey,
you sound like a really strong woman and a good wife. I do admire you. I feel much like you do. "I am trying to reach inside and see why I find it so horrible and repulsive?". This strikes a chord with me..as I have always prided myself in thinking I am so open-minded...yet I have to wonder about why I feel like this too?. I don't know if I could get beyond it either. I know like you, though I would try to educate myself and to live with it for a bit and see if I could get past it and look at it in a different way, instead of feeling afraid and threatened by it. Is it just a turn-off? If so.. does this make me a shallow person? or is it because I don't know enough about transvestites to determine if it is a sexual thing..and if it were a sexual thing..then this may make me feel threatened??? hmmmm... I guess I too have a lot of learning and growing to do.
I know it would be a shocker and kick in the gut to me to to learn something like this about somebody that you felt you knew so well. I also believe that it is a trust issue for you too...since he hid this from you and lied about it for so long...although I do believe his reasons for doing so were strictly fear of losing you.
Hang in there ...and my best wishes to you ...
TDM

August 27, 2007
3:15 pm
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caraway
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"To me, this is an aberration...a perversion. It undermines the essence of the marriage bond."

Ma, I am shoked that you would say this!! There is nothing in a marriage bond that says a man has to dress a certain way to be a man, good husband, father, etc.

Men from other countries and cultures wear clothes that are just like what we in the US would call women's clothes. Some cultures don't wear any, and some folks are Nudist.

The use of the word "aberration" I would bet is not your word but one that you have "borrowed" from the bible. Recall that when this was written all of those men....including Jesus, were wearing long flowing robes (PROM DRESSEs) and had long flowing hair.

There is nothing in a marriage agreement that says a man has to wear anything!! And no, I am not a cross-dresser, but I get damned sick and tired of people shoving the Bible as they read it down everyone's throat!!

Stop judging (the Bible says a lot about that)

Cary

August 27, 2007
4:19 pm
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SadMike
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As far as the content of this thread, I have nothing pertinent to say.

As far as caraway's last post I do:

caraway,

First, I agree that techically there is nothing prohibiting such behavior from marriage. However technically is not what we deal in here. If we wrote out our marriage contracts like any other legal document and we included such behaviors or "abberations" as causality for termination of the contract then there would be nothing to discuss, e.g., you have cause for the dissolution of the marriage and that would be that; but we don't. So we rely on our own internal sense of right and wrong to dictate what we deem appropriate. To critisize Ma or anyone else for their specific beliefs isn't right; we have a right to believe what we want regarding marriage or anything else for that matter.

Second, it's well known that all those men of "biblical" times wore normal clothes, which might have included a robe from time to time (which is not normal attire but the attire used for the priesthood) and they didn't have long flowing hair. In fact, biblically, it's forbidden for a man to have long hair, or more specifically, to have hair longer than his wife.

If you read the second portion of that so misquoted scripture you'll find that it says that you're not to judge another unless you're willing to be judged by the same measure you meet out to someone else; it's an admonition not to judge someone on their folly when you have that same folly in your own life so that you don't come under the same condemnation which you are trying to deliver.

August 27, 2007
4:54 pm
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caraway
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Sad Mike,

Thanks for the Sad Sermon. Preach on Brother!

Cary

August 28, 2007
12:07 am
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tetley
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Mousey, I read your posting and I felt like I was looking back at myself. Everything you are feeling, I have felt. Your husbands reactions are the same my husbands were. My husband also resented me before he told me. He said he knew what my reaction would be, and he was right. He asked me to become informed before I made any decisions. I agreed, and tried very hard to keep and open mind. This is much easier to do when the subject matter doesn't pertain to you. When you are directly involved it takes on a different light. He said he felt so much better having told me because he couldn't deal with the guilt of hiding something from me. He was also confused and depressed. I agreed to give it a chance and allow him to dress up when the kids were not home. For me this was a mistake. I found myself in a constant panic over the kids finding out. I also had a hard time looking at him this way. It was a total sexual turnoff. I didn't want to feel this way but could not stop it. I finally told him I could no deal with it. He had a fit. We didn't talk for days and I thought one of us would end up leaving. This is a hard thing after 33 years of marriage. You are right when you say everything either one of you does effects the other. I finally agreed to let him wear the girls jeans and the panties. I still have a problem with this. Some days more than others. I know this is not going away. I don't take for granted like I use to that we will always be together. I don't know. I love him and always will but if this gets any further like it was I think I will leave. I don't want to but I can't live a life of always feeling uncomfortable in my own home and our relationship. Do not rush into anything. I don't feel you need a time line. You will find that day to day your emotions will change. His will also. One day he will want to please you and the next day he will be upset thinking you don't understand him. Both of your emotions will be all over the place. Give it time to settle. I am going away for a few days with my girlfriends. I need to take a break. Nobody knows about this , like I said this is the first time I have ever spoken about this. I'll check in with you when I get back. Hang in there.

August 28, 2007
8:49 am
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caraway
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Mousey,

From the sound of things, Tetley is a few steps ahead on this one and has some excellent advice. Those of us who have no personal experience in this can only speculate.

You are entitled to feel what ever you feel in this matter. The problem is, from my understanding, is that your husband probably feels his need to do this from some deep internal level that "we" could never understand.

It is easy for me to think what's the big deal? If he treats you well and is a loving husband, then what is the big deal? Easy beacuse I am not the one involved.

My comments to Ma Strong and Sad Mike are because they are attempting to approach this from a religious point of view and assuming that EVERYONE believes as they do. This is not about religious belief.

Cary

August 28, 2007
9:48 am
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Anonymous
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Hello,

My husband is also a crossdresser but has not done that in a few years or so..he may do that when i am not home, not sure. I found this out accidently when I was six months pregant several years ago. Our sex life is nonexistent. He is not able to touch me in a sexual way...or only does when I ask, but I can tell he rather not, so i just never bring it up and it just never seems to happen anymore.

But I do love him and we have otherwise a wonderful loving marriage, I think of it this way...if he were to be involved in car accident, and could not perform, would I still love him if he could not have sex? Yes, would I leave him? No...maybe i am in denial or maybe even wrong, but for now, I deal with it, he is always home, works and is very dependable, is a great dad to our child and is perfect in just bout every other way, so I am taking the good with the bad and hoping that can last, hopefully it can, cause without him, I would be ALL alone in the world with no one. That to me seems worse.

Survivor

August 28, 2007
10:32 am
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whatineed
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I'm disturbed by how many people have told you you need to end things with your husband. We are talking about clothing, right?
I have no desire to dress in womens clothing, but i have had friends that do. One guy was happily married and explained that there was a part of him that was a lesbian trapped in a mans body. I have had a few other friends that wore just womans underwear. Usually their girlfriends/ wifes. I was told by them that it made them feel closer to them, connected when they were seperated from each other.
We are all both male and female. Our society has taught all of us the rules for each gender. Kudos to those who can see how silly those rules are and have the strength to go against it. I am envious that your husband has the guts to be his own person. If i had the desire, i don't know if i would have the strength to act on it.
This gives a whole new meaning to the term fashion victim.
In 100 years we might all be wearing dresses.

August 28, 2007
10:57 am
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glittered when he walked
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Curious..does anyone have stats or knowledge of the roots of transvestitism (is that the right noun?)?

Are they more inclined to be homosexuals? or about the same as non transv's? slightly higher..slightly lower.

August 28, 2007
11:07 am
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Anonymous
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There are many theories on why some take this route in life, won't even go into it here, maybe someone else can, but most TV and crossdressers are straight and married and most never come out of the closet due to fear and harm from others.

August 29, 2007
9:42 am
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caraway
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glittered,

I have always heard that most folks who are crossdressers are not Homosexual.

Is crossdressing and transvestism? the same thing?

Cary

August 29, 2007
10:45 am
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glittered when he walked
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cary,

Dunno. In my layman's mind, yeah cross dressing and transvestitism are one and the same. but i wouldn't be surpised to know that there is some exacting difference.

August 29, 2007
10:58 am
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glittered when he walked
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well...quick research indicates that cross-dressers are no more likely to be gay.

http://www.gendercentre.org.au.....mation.htm

Although I would have to think that homosexual cross dressers (drag queens) would skew the results a bit.

There is some thought as to prenatal hormone causes of cross dressing compulsion. Which i wouldn't be surprised to discover...it's not unlike the observation that gay men are much very likely to have an older brother.

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories.....th_1753553

August 29, 2007
11:34 am
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caraway
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glittered,

Never heard the stats on gay men and older brothers.. interesting connection.

I agree with the drag queen comment, but it seems that so many of them are really just trying to be the women they feel they are inside. Most of the crossdressers I've seen in interviews (Phil Donough, Montell show) seem to get some charge out of the way womens clothes feel. That makes it much easier for me to see it as a fetish of some type that could actually be a turn on and fit into a heterosexual relationship.

So many folks are into being nudist, leather, tattoos, body piercing, only dating blondes, etc... you get my point? I just think that it is a turn on for some folks and how would that really hurt anyone?

Cary

August 29, 2007
1:09 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Cary, it can and does hurt for some people...just look at the first post.

there's no accounting for taste or what each of us finds attractive..a mate who reveals a secret behavior that now wants their partner to accept it without ramifications may or may not get their wish. Physical attractiveness is one thing, but the idea of your partner, your mental understanding of who they are also plays a large part in attractiveness. What hurts others is when their secret hobby is finally revealed to their partner. Another is that at times, if these sexually related practices/behaviors are discovered by one's children, that has ramifications as well. No, it's not the end of the world, but why place an undue burden on them?

But yes, on the surface the things that you've listed don't hurt me or even affect me....until my partner is doing them unbeknownst to me. beyond the decpetion, this is an alteration of their identity and as such can adversely affect me.

August 29, 2007
1:49 pm
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Anonymous
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I have to agree, its very hurtful and its a catch 22..if my husband was still doing this and pushing it my face, there would be a very big problem, but he isn't and things are ok for now...but when your forced into accepting something you find replusive and made to feel guilty if you don't want to be a part of it, it can ruin your relationship and add alot of stress.

August 29, 2007
1:53 pm
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mousey
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Great discussion you guys. I only have a second to post. I'm at work. Will talk later. Love what you all have said. It is not the same as being gay or bi-sexual but I wonder if there is a fine line. I think that is one of my major problems with it. Also, the lying to me about it all. Got to go. Talk soon.

August 29, 2007
1:53 pm
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StronginHim77
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Caraway -

Not sure why you are attacking my opinion. Are we not permitted to give our opinions on these threads, if solicited?

For the record, I was stating my PERSONAL opinion, NOT quoting any religious text. That is why I prefaced my posting,

"Dang. Let me be honest in answering the question, 'How would I react/handle the discovery that my husband was a transvestite?'
My honest (if not "politically correct") answer is that I would leave him. Immediate separation. I could never exist in an intimate covenant relationship of marriage with a transvestite. No way. TO ME, this is an aberration...a perversion..."

I did not quote any Scriptural text and I made it clear that I was (1) responding to her original question and (2) expressing MY OWN OPINION. Cut me some slack, eh?

- Ma Strong

August 29, 2007
1:55 pm
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Anonymous
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I think there is a fine line myself, I do think it would be very easy for a man who wants to be a woman in every way to experience a man...I know my husband is not gay but he has told me once or twice it would be interesting to experience being with a man, but he is def not gay, just curious here and no he has never cheated on me, but that does not mean he wouldn't if the circumstances were ripe for it, fortunatly for us, he is a home body and I know where he is all the time!

August 29, 2007
1:59 pm
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Anonymous
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stronginhim...

I am confused, I thought in christian marriages you were to go to counseling and then maybe even a trail seperation before you got divorced?Sorry if i am wrong here, but I thought you were suppose to do Everything you could to save a marriage first? Your def entitled to your opinion too. I could never leave my husband personally, cause he has been a good husband to me, and when no one was there, he was. He doesn't cheat on me, drink or gamble or a host of other things that he could do, he is infact very intelligent, highly educated and a very good hearted man, I could never just leave him cause he had a problem.

August 29, 2007
6:21 pm
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StronginHim77
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Survivor -

Since you ask, here is my best answer. Should the husband or wife "break covenant" with their spouse, the innocent spouse is free to choose: remain with the offending spouse or leave.

Examples of "breaking covenant" would include adultery (infidelity, including indulgence in pornography), physical, sexual or severe emotional/verbal abuse. This would also include a spouse who is an addict because the addict is putting the addiction of choice ABOVE his/her covenant relationship with the spouse.

Everyday disagreements, disputes or personality clashes, etc. would NOT constitute breaking covenant and would NOT be grounds for leaving and/or divorcing the believing spouse.

Hope this addresses your question. Much interpretation of the covenant relationship depends upon the denomination of the marriage partners. Denominations can vary somewhat in these applications.

- Ma Strong

August 29, 2007
6:45 pm
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SadMike
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Cary,

My statements to you were not on religous grounds whatsoever. They were merely to point out that any of us have the right to approach this (and any other topic) from a religous or any other standpoint we choose and that that is not up for debate.

Additionally, I believe that if you are going to make blanket statements regarding a religous document (or any document) you should be knowledgeable in the subject matter instead of quoting widely held misconceptions.

I disagree in principal that this is not about religous belief. Whether you like it or not, our lives hang on beliefs or lack thereof. What we do, feel, and think is based on our belief system or a lack of a belief in a particular area. I, for instance, am a religious heretic and 400 years ago my punishment would be death by burning on a stake for my particular "religous" beliefs.

mousy, I apologize for getting side-tracked here. I realize that this is a very difficult thing for you. I'm a guy and I can't imagine myself doing such a thing. I don't have any sense of what is right here other than my gut instinct that tells me that it's not the act of wearing clothes made for the opposite gender that is the issue (clothes are clothes) but that he has something else going on. It's the idea that these clothes are women's clothes that get him going. I'm so sorry and I wish I had an answer for you.

August 29, 2007
7:55 pm
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Thanks for explaining that to me Mastrong. I think its different for everyone here, you tolerate what you can and if not, who is to blame you, we all see it diffently, come from differnt backgrounds and beliefs and it is what it is, differnce of opinion at best here. Nothing at all wrong with that.

August 29, 2007
9:30 pm
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mousey
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Hi all,
You are correct Sad Mike it is not the clothes. It is the fact that it is so important to him. So much so that he lied to me on my birthday so he could go to one of these group parties. And he kept this from me for over two years. I see him differently now. I used to believe that we had a great relationship, trusting and open. And now that is blown away. If it were just the clothes it wouldn't be as much of an issue. But the wigs, makeup, breast forms, underwear,stockings, heels, jewelry,even fake nails. When you go that far it seems to be telling me " I wish I were a girl". I need to meet other wives so I can get their feedback on how their husbands started and what they have advanced to before I make any kind of decision. And thank you for wihing you had an answer for me. Only I can answer this and I don't want to make a hasty decision. As far as getting side tracked I think the discussions were great. Isn't that what we are here for and why we post? To try to get to the root of our problems. Thanks to you all for your help and input. Keep talking.

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