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transvestite husband
August 21, 2007
1:21 pm
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smarterone
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cant read all of the notes, i really do think i couldl do it. No matter how much i loved him. But that is me and maybe it would be differnt if i were in the situation. I think i would torture him with questions constantly and only make our lives miserable. I know that when i married it was a man i needed, not a girlfriend. Im sorry, i wish you luck and strength. I would be eaten up alive inside.

August 21, 2007
7:47 pm
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cailindeas
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Hi Mousey

Me again. If I was you I would ignore the advice of everyone on this thread including me and go with your own feelings. (No disrespect to any posters intended) What makes a succesful relationship is a mystery that I have yet to solve and what is acceptable to you in your relationship and how you and your husband conduct your relationship is also a mystery I would never solve if I was best friends with both of you!!!! It sounds to me like you are both doing your very best to save your marriage. All of us saying what we think is right or wrong or acceptable to us or not acceptable is fine but it is totally down to you and your husband to find your way through and it sounds like if there is a way through you will find it. Love and light to both XXX

August 21, 2007
8:09 pm
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Matteo
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I thought that if we love someone we love them for who they are, no matter what, but it seems that love for many people is very conditional and depends on factors not related at all to the person we supposedly are loving.

Undress this person and you have the man you fell in love with, the one who loves you and cares about you and vice versa. Put some clothes on him and you are all right. Put different set of clothes on him and you wouldn't be able to stand him, it would eat you up, you would leave him immediately and you compare him to someone who cheats and betrays his partner by having sex outside your relationship, etc., etc.

Is this what love is all about? Is it love at all? I'm puzzled.

Mousey ~ I agree with cailindeas: don't listen to anyone, listen to your heart. All the best to you.

August 21, 2007
9:04 pm
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mousey
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Hi all,
Thanks to all of you for your advice and support. And you are definetly correct Matteo it is up to us to try to work this out if possible. I know it sounds crazy but the thing that hurt the most were the lies and missing my birthday. I know he's sorry about that. And he has told me everything since I found out. I really love him and I want things to work out. I hope they do but life can be hard and strange. As angry as I was and still am I can see how much he is hurting about all of this. As he and the doctor both said why would anyone choose to lead their lives like this. It is definetly not a choice. It is a drive. What exactly drives it no one is sure and I don't think anyone will ever know for sure. I have decided to take one day at a time. I am 54 and in no hurry to meet someone else. If the windup is that we can't make it then we will go our seperate ways and hopefully part as pleasantly as possible. But please keep talking to me. You all are my lifeline and I desperatly need you.

August 22, 2007
5:57 am
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serenityali
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Mousey,

Just between us girls....I'm 56 and dating at this age is very sad. If you think your husband has problems, you should see what's available to date?

He sounds like one of the more stable ones and I'm sure there are many women who would be happy to have him. I would think long and hard before I made a final decision.

Just a little heads up from a single woman in her 50's. (smile)

Ali

August 23, 2007
1:03 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Matteo -

If I was dating a man and found out he was a transvestite, I would end it there.

It would not be something I was comfortable with - and would not pursue it further.

I HAVE had to do this - I liked him - but would not live with this kind of lifestyle should I "fall for him".

So, I didn't go further.

In this case - mousey is ALREADY married - and did not have a choice - it ws something she knew nothing about.

Yes, we should love someone as they are - but usually, we should KNOW someone inside and out before committing to that for a lifetime.

Sure, we don't always know someone completely - but we SHOULD.

The fact that this was hidden/a secret.....did not give her a choice to decide prior to marrying him.

Yes, it may be something new for him - but he should have discussed it, as it's a huge thing - which he had to know - cuz he kept it secret.

I do believe in loving someone and accepting someone you are married to - BUT - we all have our "limits" of what we can live with and accept - and sometimes - our partners make choices we cannot live with and accept....and then we have to make a hard decision about where to go from there.

If love was truly unconditional - we would marry the first person we fall for - BUT - we can't...we all have things that are important to us and if our partner doesn't fit our "ideal", we should not be marrying them and making a lifetime commitment.

August 23, 2007
3:42 pm
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glittered when he walked
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hmm..unconditional love...

I mean sure, we should love people "warts and all", that is, provided you know how many warts there are and where they are. I don't think anyone should feel guilty by being troubled, bothered, or even repulsed by a mate who just recently revealed that they dress up as a woman for sexual reasons. Nor should they feel guilty about feeling that it's a possible "deal-breaker."

people change...you might always love who they were, but if they start exhibiting new behaviors...haven't they changed? I mean, a large part of who we are is what we do correct?

would you still love your partner if they completely ignored you? For how long would you love them as partner?

I suppose at the end of the day it becomes, with whom can you make a healthy life? people love people who are bad for them, it doesn't mean they should stop loving them, but perhaps they would be better off making a life with someone else. plenty of battered women have said "..But I love him." and I'm sure they do...it's just hard to get to the point where they understand "Yes, I love him, but he's no good for me. So I need to let him go."

i think "unconditional love" gets used quite a bit, but when you think about it, Love might be unconditional, but a life relationship is not. in fact, it's conditional as hell. we all have needs.

August 23, 2007
3:45 pm
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Matteo
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risingfromtheashes ~ different strokes for different folks, as they say. I, for one would rather be with a transvestite than a guy who cheats on me - which is not the same, unlike many posters attempt to categorize it here. It is not a choice, while having an affair or a one night stand is.

mousey is married for 32 years. At that time, 32 years ago, they were two different people than they are now. People change and evolve over time. We will never know each other to the end, neither we should. 32 years ago he might have no idea that one day he will wear women's clothes. How should he discuss it then with his future wife?

People are not formed right from the beginning and never change. Why would we have this forum then, if there is nothing to change? It applies to us, and as well to our partners.

I think there is a confusion between "love" and "commitment". I am very much against a "lifetime" commitment, because we do change over time, but we were talking here about "love". You either love someone or you don't and perhaps you are just "committed" - to everything but that person, and to that person only to the extend if she/he fits your ideal, your standards. Love has nothing to do with it; you don't really love that person but your perception of that person. You think you know them, and then get shocked and appalled when you discover that you don't. I think "love" happens very rarely, indeed.

August 23, 2007
4:58 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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I think we can love someone - but unable to stay with them for the duration of a "lifetime commitment" which is what we really take when we take our vows.

I think mousey can love this man - even with his choices - but perhaps not be married to him - as this is a choice she may not be able to handle.

I still love one of my exes - he was a blast - I really enjoyed him on many levels. I can love him warts and all as well.

BUT

I cannot commit to a lifetime marriage with someone that drinks.

That is the difference I think. I can love someone unconditionally - in this case, I do. But I will not commit to him, as our values are much different.

I also think yeah, ok - transvestite is not cheater - great - BUT - how about both - a non-cheater AND non-transvestite? I would take both before settling for something that makes me that uncomfortable.

I think in the end - we all have comfort levels - for you - you might be able to cope - for me or someone else - we couldn't.

That doesn't mean we can't LOVE the person - we do. It just means we may not be able to continue with a commitment we made without having all the facts.

August 24, 2007
6:39 am
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mousey
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Hi everyone,
I'm glad to see that you are all still here for me. I had a very bad night last night. It's the first time in my life that I felt I wish maybe I weren't alive. I could never harm myself, but I really felt like I might crack. On top of all of this I'm having a problem with a person at work and one of my best girlfriend told me she has stage one breast cancer. I got an e-mail from a wife of one of the "gals" as they call themselves that runs a support group for wives of transvestites. I need to go to a few meetings so I can see if how I feel about all of this is wrong. I'm so confused at this point that I don't know which end is up. I know I love my husband and have for a long time. I believe he can't help himself because thinking about all of this, who would conciously chose to do this. I also feel so sorry for him and myself that life put us here. I keep turning to God for an answer but there doesn't seem to be one. I took my vows 32 years ago under different circumstances and yes things in life change. I just don't know if I can change that much with what' been dealt myself. But at the same time I can't imagine not been with him anymore. I feel like I'm in hell and I'm not sure how to find my way out. Thanks all for you beliefs and support. None of you are wrong because they are your beliefs. I've always believed in being a good and honest person. Hopefully that will help me soon. I need to resolve this for me and I truly don't know where things will end up.
Love you all.

August 24, 2007
11:51 am
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glittered when he walked
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(((mousey)))

hang in there, it sucks to be going thru all this...sometimes all we can do is to keep telling ourselves 'I will get through this" and you will. Right now it may suck, but all you can do (and are doing) is to make the best of what's been dealt. It's all any of us can do.

Just know that there are people who love you and care about you.

August 24, 2007
12:06 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Regarding the love/commitment discussion.

More or less I think we're pretty much in agreement, it's just mostly semantics. Love as a noun, love as verb, an act...commitment etc.

maybe I'm an optimist, but i think love does happen. We might muck it up from time to time and be bad caretakers of love, but I'd like to think it does happen often. I mean, who doesn't love someone? Some are good at loving, others not so good. such is life.

August 25, 2007
12:33 am
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tetley
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Hi, I came across this site by accident but could not believe your story. Mine is the same. I have been married for almost 33 years and my husband has also decided he is a cross dresser. I don't know what to do either. I have 2 children and am so afraid they will find out. He does not go out dressed except for womens panties and he wears womens jeans. I have asked him not to do this but he says jeans are jeans. Recently he started to wear womens shorts. He says mens shorts are to long. My daughter asked my where did daddy get these shorts? they are really short ma, they look like womens. I just said i don't know. I feel at a time in my life i want to relax i can't. He was never like this before we married. This has been going on now for about 3 years. I tried to accept it but found I couldn't. He became very mad at me saying he couldn't stop and now resents me. He claims he doesn't, but I can feel it. I am afraid once my children are gone what my life will be like. He is retired and spends most of his day by himself. Just being able to get this out makes me feel better. I have never told anyone. I helps to know I'm not alone. At times I think I am going crazy and maybe there is something wrong with me. I just can't look at him this way. Thank you I wish you luck.

August 25, 2007
10:59 am
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mousey
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Tetley,
I know exactly what you mean and how you feel. I'm glad I found you also. Please keep writting to me. We can share our pain. We have no children, thamk God. I would not want to burden them with this, although some of the wives I have spoken to say their kids are ok with it. I only just found out a month ago but he has been doing this for 2 1/2 years. Going out in public with a group fully dressed. I have been researching the subject and from all accounts they can not stop. And also his reaction of resentment to you for not accepting him this way is "normal behavior" for a cross dresser. It is either biological or a fetish. Either one is not possible to stop. It seems once they give into the urge they can't stop. I have not decided what I will do yet. I love my husband and I know he loves me but I don't know if I can accept all of this. He plans to go out with the group on Sept 6 "if it's ok with me". If I say no he will start to resent me, if I say ok I will be sad for us. It's a catch 22. My best suggestion to you is to research the subject if you haven't already and to try to find a support group for wives in your area. I am working on one for me at the present time. The woman who holds the meetings contacted me last week to tell me that she plans on having one in the end of Sept. I just need to hold on until then. Please tell my your story. I will be happy to listen and help if I can.

August 25, 2007
12:09 pm
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_anonymous
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mousy- I agree with Ma Strong and Rising. This behavior is unacceptable. It is not right for you and you know it that is why you are posting here. So Ma, Rising and I agree it is not for you or for folks like us. Instead of spending so much time trying to figure out why he does this stuff why dont you spend the same amount of time finding out why you are staying in a situation that does not feel good to you. You have to learn to accept your feelings not his. Now you are putting his feelings before yours and letting his reactions to your feelings rule you. Go to some co-dependent meetings. Learn how to stand up for how you feel and how to be like him and do what you feel is good and right for you.

The fact he is a cross dresser doesnt bother me. The fact that he was flying below radar and doing this stuff behind your back does. The fact you have to go see a psychiatrist and get help for his issue is not a good sign. The problem with someone like this is their priorities. This stuff comes before your needs. Sorry, but he is choosing to do this. Rationalizing his behavior and making excuses for it isnt going to help you.

I can tell by your post that you are not OK with him going out with his group. I mean what wife would be. You're feelings are perfectly normal. If some man would choose his desire to be with this group over me then that would tell me all I needed to know.

You should not allow this mans decisions to control you. Make some of your own. Like just look at him one day and tell him you have feelings that you have no control over and one of those feelings is to get the hell away from him (make sure it is on an important day that he expects you to be there for him) and just leave. Get your power back. Then he can do this on his own. You being their to support something that hurts you this much is wrong.

August 25, 2007
12:38 pm
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thedogsmom
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((((mousey)))))
My heart and prayers that you find peace in this matter goes out to you. I find it very brave of you to share your story here even if this is an anonymous site. I also have much respect for you in trying to learn all you can about 'transvestites' to help you make a decision on whether you can live with this or not.

I agree wholeheartedly with what Matteo stated. However it doesn't matter what We agree with ..or what 'we' all think about what 'we' would do in your shoes.

What matters is whether 'you' will be able to accept this from him and to truly live in peace with it..without letting it destroy you with fear and sadness and anger.

I know this is NOT an easy thing to just accept when the whole idea of being a transvestite is so New and foriegn and even freaky....to somebody who knows nothing about it and therefore can't relate. But... does it have to be so scary and horrible? This is a man who you love and who still loves you..who you've built a life around..the same responsible person who is there living with you and providing for you and your family. Is he still a responsible husband?..there for you emotionally, financially and sexually?

I know that is Over simplifying things... but that is just my point on how it may help you to handle the situation... simplify it....Would it be possible to look at it as just a 'hobby' of his.. so that it's not so 'threatening' to you? You know.. I know many wives who really resent their husbands love for golf or sports or porn.or work...etc.... things that the wives' feel threatening because of the time it takes away from the family. But..I believe that if you don't allow others to do the things they get joy from..then eventually..they will not be joyful or happy and this will come back to interefering with your own happiness.

I encourage you to keep learning more about it to help guide you into doing what is most comfortable to you. One thing you should NOT do...is to feel ashamed or embarrased by Other peoples' choices or feelings. Although he is your husband..his feelings and desires are his alone and therefore you cannot carry the burden of shame or guilt or embarrasment by it..cause it is his alone. You just love him...not everything he feels or thinks or wants to do.... you love the person with the feelings that differ from yours.

I'm hoping that you can learn to live with it and accept it...if you can agree to some compromises about the time it takes away from the family. But if you find that although you want to accept..that you are unable to let go and get past the sadness..or fear ..that you will find peace in your decision either way.

Hugs to you and to Matteo for your kind and thoughtful wise post.
TDM

August 25, 2007
4:35 pm
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Matteo
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Thank you, TDM. Hugs back to you.

August 25, 2007
5:55 pm
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_anonymous
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Matteo- Your comments to Rising were very uncalled for and to throw the ..would rather have a transvestite instead of a man who cheats on me thing in her face is cruel. Rising's opinions are highly valued on this site especially by me.

August 25, 2007
7:22 pm
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cailindeas
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Hi Mousey

This thread just seems to have got out of hand to me so I want to speak to everyone here.

Can we all try to remember that as recovering co-dependants we have a tendancy to believe we have 'higher knowledge' that is, in my understanding a tendancy to think we know best and to insist on our solutions as if we were inside the head of the other person. We are not inside Mousey's head, we have read a few emails of someone we have never met and all we can do is listen and offer support while Mousey gets on with her life and her marriage. I don't want to offend anyone, as in the brief time I've been on this site I have had huge support and great advice but can we please remember we are not experts in any of this. The only expert in this situation is Mousey who must hear her own voice above any other. I hope you feel better soon Mousey. Big respect to all contributers. Just had to make my point.

August 25, 2007
7:28 pm
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_anonymous
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I have to admit I have no knowledge or experience on this subject. I will support whatever you feel is right for you Mousy and will enjoy reading whatever posts you have that can educate someone like me on this subject.

August 25, 2007
11:14 pm
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tetley
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mousey, thanks for responding. It feels good to talk to someone who really understands how I feel. I have done alot of research on crossing and fetishes. I understand that they can not stop. What I don't understand is when they say if you don't let him do this he will be unhappy and resent you. What about me? If I do accept this I know I will end up resenting him for bringing this into our marriage. I feel there is no answer. Most of what I have learned states that this starts at an early age. He claims he never had the urge to dress up as a child or young adult. He is now 57 years old and decides he wants to cross dress. He claims that one time I dressed him in my cloths fooling around and he loved it. I told him that was just playing, I didn't expect it to become a life style. I think I am going to find a therapist to go to. I have to do something. I love my husband but I need to start thinking of myself. I'm always trying to please everyone and put my own wants and needs aside. I need to find out why I do this and realize my own wants and needs are just as important as his. I understand how you feel about him going out as a group. I tried to go along with my husband dressing up at home when the kids were not home. It made me sick. It has destroyed our sex life. When I told him I could not take it any longer he became furious. We are both really in a catch 22. If you tell him he can go out he will think that you approve and his behavior will escalate because he feels he can. If you say no you will be the bad guy and resentment will set in. Please let me know how you are doing. Thanks so much for listening to me, it has really helped me.

August 26, 2007
6:57 pm
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mousey
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Hi everyone,
I love and respect all of you. I appreciate your feedback weather I agree or not. As I said before you are all right because your opinions are exactly that, your opinios. It's what you can live with. When I first found out I told him to leave. I could not live with it. He begged me to reasearch the subject and that then I would understand. So I did and then I went to the psychologist and everyone says that weather it's biological or a fetish it can't be stopped. If he tries he will become frustrated and will be distant and will begin to resent me. I already experienced this before I knew. He resented me for not being able to tell me. He knew what my reaction was going to be and he was right. I did flip out, then calmed down and started to research the subject. I said and the psychologist agreed once he let the beast out of the box there is no way to control it now.
The part that is most upsetting is that he feels he needs to go out with the group. I understand that we are together alot and obiviously it's not the same thing because he is not dressed as a woman with me.
Tetley: the same thing here. He says he dressed up for Halloween parties and he remembers he liked it more than he should. We also experimented with dressing as a joke with another couple. Again, he says he liked it more than he should. But nothing was done for many years.He got this job where he does shift work and he tells me he's working from 2-12 but then was leaving right after me and starting work at 9 so he could attend the parties. He found this website where this woman does makeovers and went for one. That's when he liked it and joined the group. His picture is on the website. He actually won "beauty of the month". It's very strange and I feel like I'm in limbo right now. I really have no idea where my life is going. I just know something needs to change. I am working as an accountant for a builing products company and with the slowdown in real estate here I think we will have layoffs this winter. I am going to start looking for a more stable industry so in case I need to support myself I will be able to. I also kept my mother condo after she died. It is rented but is mortgage free so if I need a place to live I have one. I do still love him and I know he loves me but it will be awhile until I fully sort all of this out and I know what I can and can't live with. We have been together for so long and I do care I don't want to make a hasty decision but at the same time I need to put myself first this time.

August 26, 2007
11:06 pm
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tetley
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mousey, Hi, becoming self supporting is a very good idea. I am trying to do the same. He keeps telling me to retire, but I won't. I love my job, it's the one place I can go, be busy and feel calm. I think you are right not to make a hasty decision. You have alot of history together, but you do need to put yourself first this time. Do not fall into the trap of feeling sorry for him. Right now feel for yourself and do what is best for you. As women we always tend to put their feelings first and they get use to this. We do it without even realizing it. We can not do that this time. I know what I can and can not live with. I can not live with this. I still don't know what I am going to do. I take it a day at a time. Some days I just live in denial, it's what gets me through that day. Know that I am thinking about you and are here for you.

August 27, 2007
4:21 am
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mousey
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Hi all,
Just wanted to add that I know what he wants from me. He wants me to accept his behavior and be ok with it. That's what most transvestites want. I truly don't know if I can do that. That's why I am investigating the behavior. I don't want to make a hasty decision that will affect the rest of my life and tear apart the last 32 years. I do have the strength to leave him if that's what I decide is best for me. And yes I feel sorry for him but not so much as to make myself miserable for the rest of my life. I am trying to reach inside myself and understand why I think it's so horrible and repulsive to me. I know two people can't be everything to each other. The group he belongs to meets in two weeks. He says he won't go unless it's ok with me. I'm thinking of telling him that it's up to him to decide what he wants for his life and to see what he does and how he reacts to it. I think the thing most people are missing in all of this is that when you are a couple your actions affect two people not just one. I am not the perfect wife but I would never do anything deliberatly that I know would hurt him. And that's the part that convinces me that this is not a choice on his part. He was never a hurtful person before. He always put other peoples feelings ahead of his so this is so out of character for him. And after the many conversations we have had I believe he's at a point where he is just as confused about his feelings, needs and wants as I am. And lastly I am not co-dependent. I can walk away if I need to. It's only been a month since I found out. It took some time for the shock to wear off. I think I need to give myself a few months to decide what I need to do. I want to meet at the end of Sept with a group of wives to see what and how they feel and cope with it. I'm not looking for someone to give me the answers, I just need a litte guidance on how to travel the road to discovery within myself as to what I can live with. Thanks for all your help and please keep posting. I value all your advice and support.
Tetley-hang in there and continue to keep me posted on how you are doing. As I said we can at least share our pain. Take care all. Will check in in a few days.
Love
Mousey

August 27, 2007
5:46 am
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lost lady72
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Mousey,
In all honesty I have to admire you I really think your going about your situation in the right way for you. You are getting yourself prepared and educated before you make a decision. So that whatever happens you can at least say to yourself well I’ve exhausted every possibility and tried every angle before you give up. You sound strong and able now more than you did at the start of your post.
As I’ve said before when the dust settles your decision will be easy, now your just getting you head around it all, and all the shocking details.
The only thing I’d suggest though is give this a time limit, put a date in your head and stick to it, only you know how long you need. The last thing you want is to turn around in a year and be bitter for wasting time when you really knew all along that you couldn’t stay with him. I have nothing but admiration for you and would be proud of myself if I were in your shoes.

On a personal note I know I couldn’t keep him in my life as a lover because I would be sharing him sexually with something/someone else. I could however still be in his life but not sexually.

He is after coming clean with you and is now beginning to explore this fantasy with you knowing, which to me means that he is liberated and will only get deeper into it, which means you might end up getting more hurt than you already are. So a time limit is necessary for self-preservation.

I wish you luck and love in unfolding this situation.

LL

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