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transgender daughter
February 26, 2007
8:07 pm
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spritualgirl
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I am really struggling with my daughter who recently told me she feels like a boy. She would like to change her name (and I am emotional attached to the name I gave her). She says eventually she would like to make changes to her body..... but that is years down the road. So, I would like some feedback from/about 1.parents of transgenders, 2. transgenders 3. do people ever feel this way and it passes??
Thanks for your response

February 26, 2007
8:12 pm
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taj64
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how old is she? I think it is a matter of loving her the way she is or she decides to be a he. I think if my daughter wanted to be a girl, it would be very hard to understand it but ultimately I would have to love her the way she is. My son has an armful of tattoos. I don't like them but it is what he wanted. It is about accepting people for who they are even if they are our own children. It is NOT going to be pass especially because you think it is going to pass and it won't. YOu love them no matter what they do, no matter who they are. It is not your life, it is theirs life to live. Acceptance goes a long way. It is better to accept and love than never to accept and love from afar.

February 26, 2007
8:35 pm
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truthBtold
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spirtualgirl,

I commend you so much for finding this site and posing your situation.

While there are many helpful folks here on this site and perhaps you can find a bit of information, I would suggest that you continue to find other message boards and forums relating to this specific situation.

(Perhaps just try to google some key words: Transgender org or something to start.)

There is a great movie entitled "Normal" with the "R" backwards that is a really good start. I think that it has Jessica Lange in it?

There is also another great movie with Hillary Swank entitled "About A Boy" (I think.)

Anyway, please do realize that no one really "opts" for this....like being gay.

It is NOT an option.

I repeat....it is NOT an option!

Because, who in their right mind would CHOOSE a lifestyle riddled with hate and mis-understanding?

There is also a great cable channel: LOGO which shows program of this genre.

There are many studies which are being conducted that show that this is simply not a "phase" - but a biological difference in the make up of the brain which explains, to some extent, why this happens.

In any event, I am so glad that you have decided to educate yourself on this matter and are not simply "closed off" to the whole idea.

Your CHILD should be proud to have a parent such as yourself that will help work through this process together.

February 26, 2007
9:34 pm
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spritualgirl
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My daughter is 18 and soon to leaving for college. I feel the person I have known and loved for 18 years will go away one person and come back totally different....a man.
Anyway I really appreciate you saying what you said about acceptance. I am typically support and very accepting. I don't know know that my daughter knows how much I am struggling with her transgerderness.
To compound matters, my girlfriend is having an emotional response to my daughter(yes, I am gay). I started to break up with her yesterday and somehow we got through it and are still talking today.
It always amazes me what happens when one person shifts how it ripples out.... and all this other shifting starts to happen.
Thanks for the reminders about the movies... When I told her alittle bit about my struggles with calling her a new name, she all mom is it time to break out Transamerica???
She is actually a delightful person and I know I will eventually totally accept her as a male but I may lose my relationship in the process. As I always like to say more will be revealed.

February 26, 2007
9:44 pm
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truthBtold
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SG,

I am glad that you were able to get through it with your girlfriend.

The last thing you need is negative stuff coming from the people whom you trust - gay or not.

Your girlfriend may have her own agenda...whatever that may be.

and yes - isn't it amazing how one person shifts and the ripples that all shake out?

I think that you said it dead on...she's a delightful person and you stand behind her.

What more could a kid want from their parent?

Afterall, what's in a name....really?

A rose is STILL a rose and smells no less sweeter!!!!!!

🙂

February 26, 2007
10:45 pm
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time4change
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A rose is Still a rose and it smells no less sweeter bUT damn if it still dosen't hURT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

February 26, 2007
11:03 pm
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spritualgirl
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In my belief system we aren't our name nor even our body, so it is pretty interesting for me to have the ego response to my daughter. My spiritual companion has told me just to be patient with myself as I have been with my children (I also have a 20 year old son... thats a whole other story) and I will get tjis is just fine.
Actually my girlfriend was the one who told me about this site. What an awesome discovery for me.

February 27, 2007
7:07 pm
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time4change
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GF.... here and yes maybe I do have my own agenda.

I know from my past and own life we don't always get what we want.

SG explain your fear she will leave one person and come back another? Doesn't this take place over time?? She already dresses the part. Have you ask her who or what kind of person she would like to make a life with?? gay female, straight female. Will she still think of her self as gay or a straight male? Have you ask questions like this??

February 27, 2007
7:24 pm
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taj64
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Im wondering since you are gay why is it such a problem for you to accept her the way she is, if you expect others to accept the way you are? Are you not being somewhat hypercritical that if others are to accept you the way you are and expect you to totally accept you the way you are, and you cannot do that in return? It is the person inside that you know and love, not what is on the outside. She has not changed at all, just that possibly you are not looking very carefully. I doubt very seriously she is anything different at all, just the way you are looking at her because she has came out.

February 27, 2007
9:01 pm
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addicts wife
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I have resources availablie to you.. i just have ot contact a few people I know to verify that i am correct.. It may take a couple days, but I can get you some resourxes from some friends.
(((Hang in there)))
and I think you are very couragous and strong, and a great mom for researching this for yourself and your daughter!!!
(and nice to meet you, welcome to the site!!)
"AW"

February 27, 2007
9:24 pm
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time4change
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64, I have learned for people to except me the way I am or not. LOve me or leave me I really don't care! I am not saying I hate this kid OMG. She had came OUT??????????????she is 18 again OMG. Do 18 years old kids know what they want?? yes at 18 they can say they are gay but to have a sex change I think some time is needed before the 18 year old decides for everyone to call her by a different name or think of me as a different ginder, no matter the pain it may inflict. The daugher tells her mom she needs to break out transameraica! wow so one should.? Maybe the mother should tell her to break out spritual??? When does a parent draw the line????? And yes her mother loves her no matter what! Her friends like her and except her and go with the flow but what happens when she goes off to school? a different state with different friends????? Yes being gay today is cool! if your a girl BUT ask any gay guy that has gotten the shit beat out of them for being gay or ask the familys of the ones that have been killed. Wow let me just throw my arms up on this one!!!!!!!!

February 27, 2007
11:50 pm
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sdesigns
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The movie is called "Boys Don't Cry" and it was on TV this last weekend. Not a happy ending at all.

March 1, 2007
7:53 pm
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spritualgirl
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taj64
You pose some very good questions. I really believe in accepting people as they are but for some reason I have my ego tied into the picture I have had for my "daughter". I know it is a process of her becoming who she is and it is a process of me letting go of the picture I made up for her. I am not angry with her, I am just having an inward struggle with myself and difficulty calling her a different name. She knows I love her and want to support her in her life path, I just need some time.
I have prided myself in not being concerned about the outer trappings of people and what you sugget will take that thought to a whole deeper level.

timeforchange
I know how strongly you feel and I also know time will reveal what is right for this kid. It will be interesting to watch this life unfold. Even though this isn't easy, I am grateful we can watch it together.

addictswife
Thaks for the kind words.

sdesigs
I actually watched the movie and it was a very sad ending.

Thanks to everyone.

March 1, 2007
8:00 pm
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taj64
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I think it all takes time. I think it is all about being a major change. It is hard no matter what to accept but I bet anything in the long run, after long time, you will end up wondering what all the fuss was and also that you will come to even greater understanding of who your daughter really is and you will also find that whatever you thought she was is also going to be in question, in that you probably why you thought this way in the first place. It is going to be wonderful in the long run even if right now it is unknown. Unknown and huge change is very frightening but it happens. At least you still have each other. And at least you still have that love, that part never really changes.

March 1, 2007
8:16 pm
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spritualgirl
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dear taj64
embracing the unknown is a challenge for me. I want to know it all and then I think I can relax. So I spend a lot of time trying to figure stuff out that will naturally be revealed at just the right time. And you are right, I say I really didn't need to create such a fuss, everything is just right. This is obviously a character defect that is not just saved for my daughter and her desire to be different. You are right, the good news is I have a good loving relationship with her and I know we will get to the other side of this.

March 2, 2007
12:49 am
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addicts wife
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spritualgirl,
I still haven't bee nable t ocpntact my friend that works wit ha gay/lesbian/transgender community thingamabobbie here in my area, so It maytake more time than i thought.
O do know there are support groups and possibly even websites for family members oftransgender folk, that iswhat Im looking for.
A lot of people put transgenders and cross dressers and drag queens into the same groups as Gay/lesbians and I believe that it is often misunderstood, even to the transgenders, so Iwas hoping top help by giving you the resources and toothers who read the thread here wiht some information. a woman I worked with years ago had a sex change and wrote an article forone of our local papers describing all her struggles and life changes mentally and physically, and I was hoping to find it too somewhere in my own files to share, but havent found that yet either, it was very informative and eye opening. He still does have physical pain and its been about 7 years since I worked withhim. he was married when he was a wife, and had two wonderful, supportive children, and now has a female partner. That is about al I can really share for now since I dont feel I have the "stuff" right in front of me to refer too.
I do know that it does take a really long time t og othroughthe process, adn the person wanting t ogo through all this, MUSt see a psychologist for years before they can even be accepted as a candidtate for surgery. There are so many aspects that need to be addressed adn pretty much gnit picked professionaly /medically/mentally before they can "legally" start.
I will do my best totry and get you reliable/trustworthy resources, but I think it may be a pain in the butt, LOl so I'll have ot be patient and do some "homework."
But i must add that I am soo glad you are close andhave such a good relationship with your daughter, especially at a time like this, so many kids of all walks of life lose their families when they need them most, especially when it comes to matters of gender issues, and sexual preferences,Ive had gay/lesbian friends disowned, beaten up and worse just for trying tofigure themselves out, trying tobe honest about it and trying to go t othier support systems, or just walk down the street, and that is heart breaking, for everyone.

(((hugs))))
"AW"

March 2, 2007
8:44 am
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spritualgirl
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AW
Thanks so much for the heip and support. Your willingness to help out is really appreciated. I have gone to a couple transgender sites, however I haven't found a chat place that isn't sexually based. I will keep looking.
I am having a tough time besides with with daughter. She is going on a class trip and I have another weekend alone. The relationship I am in is long distance. We have been doing this dance for coming up 11 months. Anyway, I have to work really hard in keeping myself out their socially and for awhile now, I've been all about work, hanging out with with my daughter and just being home. Oh yeah, I talk on the phone to my girlfriend quite a bit. Anyway I just wanted to say outloud, I am not looking forward to rattling around this house alone. So, I am just in a funk. There are lots of things to do, there are people I could hook up with, I just feel kind of frozen..... maybe low grade depression. Thanks for listening... I gotta get ready for work.

March 2, 2007
8:50 am
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hopeful for change
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I haven't read all these posts just first one.

I know this would be challenging. But, uncondtional love is unconditional love. We won't always agree with the decisions or thoughts our kids have but none the less we just love them.

I had never really given much thought to the whole transgender thing until I watched the whole past seasons of nip tuck, which is far out there I know but I love that show. But there was a whole story line on transgender, and it made my heart go out to the people feeling like this.

We are not our body's. We are out spirits.

March 2, 2007
9:53 am
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addicts wife
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ready, that too is one of my favorite shows, adn I worked with a transgender female to male person, I remember first trying to wrap my head around the concept, the extent of how uncomfortable and foreign one must feel within their own skin/being ot put them selves through such physical and emotional pain ot acheive a sence of feeling content.
I mean I go through these feelings on such a smaller scale, with body image issues, depression, adhd, having diabetes, fibromayalgia, arthritis, adn so on, and other growing up, getting trouhg insecurities as a female/ survivor of rape... It is just mamzing what people going through being THAT uncomfortable with where they are at go though daily, for a llifetime, and the perseverence, and challenges that they must face. I remember thinking"wow!" like I'd never thought of it before.
I still am baffled and dont fully understand it, I guess because Ive not felt it on the levels transgendered people do, but I really empathize,adn admire anyone who can face "BIG" transitions in life, wether I understand it or not. Im not the "type" to be mean to, and make fun of what i dont understand, I try to put my head in their position for even just a moment, and hopefully will learn from it. It breaks my heart at how mean people can be t othings/people/situations they cannot wrap their heads around, and some use religion as an excuse, or many other things, but to me, no god I know(or want to know) would want a human being to suffer, be shunned, outcast,killed, etc for trying to live a happy, healthy, loving , supportive life. There is enough F**ed up stuff going on the world that i dont think hurting people who are trying to be/figure out who they are is in any way acceptable, fat, ugly, pretty, skinny, gay, straight, purple, mohawk,hippy, bald,woman, male,biker, stripper,etc...
I feel for anyone who struggles and hope that they can find what they need somehow and maybe learn something too along the way.
Life is hard enough and toooo short!!
wow, I kinda "went on a tangent there.. must...go--- get... more--- coffee.......
"Happy Friday!!"
Anyway, that tangent is kinda prompted by my respect for a mom trying to wrap her head around her childs issue(s) and thinking on how her daughter is pretty lucky to have such a loving parent, becasue I know some people who have confided less to their parents who were beaten, disowned, adn other..
okay.. coffee is ah' callin, then work, blaaah blaah..
Peace!

March 6, 2007
9:29 pm
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spritualgirl
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AW
Thanks so much for everything you had to say. Life is just going on here. There really haven't been any shifts. My daughter has been very busy and things are just as they are. It helped me a lot to just write about my thoughts and feelings and I remembered to just give it all including my daughter to God.
Anyway, thanks for your kindness and
support.
Sincerely,
SG

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