Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Toxic Ex
February 8, 2004
7:31 pm
Avatar
sol y luna
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hola,

I have a problem and I think there may be others who have gone through the same thing. I am hoping for some support and advice, please.

I have fallen in love for the first time in my life and am happier than I have ever been before. The problem is that my ex is close to my family, and very negative towards me. I have put up with this because there is a child involved whom I love very much although I am not the biological parent.

I know that what I have right now is something that most people will search their entire lives for and never find. I am truly blessed. I don't want my past relationship to taint this new love.

How can I safely maintain a healthy relationship with this child I love so much while protecting my spirit and new relationship from my ex?

Thanks to anyone who is willing to answer me.

M.

February 8, 2004
9:38 pm
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi M. Have you talked to your family about the negativity your ex is feeding your family with? How long have you been separated from the ex?

The child, that's a toughie. I can see where if I had a child and was no longer in a relationship that the child had gotten close to my partner, I'm not sure I would want to have my child continue a relationship with them. Did you legally adopt the child? If not, you might need to let go in the best interests of the child so that he or she doesn't end up feeling like a pawn in a jealous game.

How old is the child? Is he or she old enough for you to talk to them and explain that even though you and Dad are not together any more, you will always love them and be there for them? You might have to wait a few years before it's feasible to have a relationship with the child, if ever.

My ex had 2 children, and after the crap their mother and father put them through, they had issues, to put it mildly. I loved those kids, and I generally hate kids. They were so loving and needy, and they used to call me all the time just to talk and ask where daddy was and why didn't daddy call them. Anyway, I never got a chance to really say goodbye to them, but their mother called me, thanked me for being so good with the kids, and said she knew it was hard but asked me not to be involved with them any more, just to minimize their pain of getting close to someone and losing them again. I respected her wishes, and I haven't seen the kids any more. I hope they are OK. In retrospect, it seems like the right thing.

Just some thoughts and experience sharing. I know this is a hard time for you. No matter what your past, if your new relationship is as understanding and good as you say, your partner will understand and accept that past situations and the behavior of your ex is not a reflection on you.

February 9, 2004
12:24 am
Avatar
sol y luna
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you for what you have to say, Gingerleigh. I have been separated from the ex for nearly 3 years. We are friends but not close.

The child is a older and loves me like a parent. Between the two of us we have decided we want to remain close. Although I never went through a legal adoption process, everyone who knows about this agrees that I am very much a parent to this child. Even my ex thinks so.

My new partner is loving and supportive. I have known her for a while and she understands why I feel the way I do about this child. One of the wonderful things about her is that she will come to love who I love. What has me worried is the tension between me and my ex creates stress that my new partner often has to deal with. She is the one who comforts me when I'm upset about things happening that feel like they belong in the past but keep coming up in the present.

I have spoken to my family but at the same time I don't want my ex to be alienated by them. We all need loving people in our lives, my ex included. I don't want to cause hard feelings, and have so much to deal with right now that I don't want to add anything. I'm barely hanging on as it is.

I am hoping that if I lay low, and make sure this child knows how much love I feel, and that I won't jump ship just because I have a new partner, that maybe we can get through this.

Thank you again for your help.

M.

February 10, 2004
4:57 am
Avatar
Zinnie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Sol,

How old is the child?

I'm sorry this is happening. I hate to see this go on when it is the child who suffers.

Have you sat down one on one with your ex and told them how the negativity impacts not only you, but the child as well?

You are a kind person to care enough that this person is not alienated from your family, and I commend you for loving another person's child. I only have step-children too and they have brought me more joy and happiness then I ever dreamed possible. Even through the "terrible teenage years."

Is there any way possible perhaps for you, your ex and your new partner to sit down and talk this out?

I ask that because my husband, myself and his ex-wife before he and I married sat down and worked everything out. Our kids ended up being happy children, well adjusted with three parents that love them very much. We tried to always do what was best for the kids and help each other out any way possible. We even lived around the corner from each other and the kids went freely from one house to the other. Although originally there was set visitation, etc, we never followed it because we all saw each other every day; and this is what worked for us. I know that is not always possible.

I hope you can do this, you sound to be a very loving person, and this child is blessed to have someone like you to look up to.

Love,

Zinnie

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
25
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110976
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714257
Newest Members:
nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why.., Why.
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information