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toxic as it is.......
January 16, 2006
12:33 pm
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kasie919
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I found this on the site joy2meuc.com
It explains everything in my world.
This is what I deal with daily..its like they examined my life and wrote it down, i see my husband in all of this..except the abuse comes from else where i guess.

Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. toxic love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski.)

1. Love - Development of self first priority.
Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.

2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)

3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.

5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."

6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.

7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.

8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.

9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.

10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)

11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.

12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.

13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.

Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional. Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal.

January 16, 2006
12:38 pm
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kasie919
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These last 3 here, this is what is hurting me..this is what i have to learn not to do..

11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.

12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone. Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.

13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment. Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair

January 16, 2006
1:07 pm
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hopeful for change
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ok so I am toxic!! How do we detox

January 16, 2006
1:14 pm
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OopsADaisyFuentes
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WOW! thanks for this list...very eye opening. I have been there, done that, got the tshirt on the toxic love thing..and after seeing this list its even clearer. I know a few friends who could use this as well. Sometimes we are so caught up in being loved..we forget the most important person to love..ourselves. Thanks again!

January 16, 2006
1:44 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Great list! Based on that, I am totally toxic.

As hopeful posted.....how do we detox?

January 16, 2006
1:52 pm
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Anonymous
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joy2meu.com is a great website, with help on this issue.

in all reality, the way to detox is build up our self esteem and love ourselves enough to NOT NEED another person to fufill our needs. But rather "want" someone.

a relationship should be icing on the cake - not the cake itself.

and it all goes back to loving ourselves and creating a life for ourselves - being "whole" and "healthy" - so we bring a healthy person to the relationship and attract an equally healthy person in return.

January 16, 2006
2:00 pm
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kasie919
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If you go to the web site you can read all about detox and everything else, I jsut spent and hour there, cried my eyes out but its well worth it and i think it will help us all..

Love Kasie

January 16, 2006
2:02 pm
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lala33
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Great list.
Although I feel like a am fairly whole and healthy, and yet when I met a guy I dated for over 2 years, I quickly fell into the toxic pattern. Is some of this a little natural, maybe esp for women? I don't feel like I have a lot of the toxic side left now he is out of the picture but he cried and leaned on my all the time, then pulled away for seemingly no reason and it drove me nuts.

January 16, 2006
6:32 pm
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Matteo
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"There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional. Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal."

OK, the society is expecting, and many people are desperately trying to fulfil that expectation, that marriage should be forever.

Isn't that dysfunctional!??

January 16, 2006
6:43 pm
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Rasputin
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Thanks Kasie for this great list. It is amazing and I read it my Melody's book. I agree with Alice it all has to do with our self-esteem. The best wasy is to learn to love ourselves.

(((Hugs)))

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