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Totally Lost
December 4, 2000
4:21 am
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Sally123
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I have no where to turn...I am normally a very private person about my personal life and that's why everyone, including my friends and family thinks my marriage is ok...but it's not. In fact I just got off the phone with my husband who is out of town and we're talking about divorce. You see he and I have been together since teenagers, so it's been 20 years. I never knew any other relationship but him. Anyway, our life together had always been peppered with lies, criticisms, small betrayals, very bad arguments, but there was some kind of connection and love...like I never thought he would cheat on me, or anything. About 6 years ago he had an affair, which almost destroyed me emotionally. The one person I confided in was my sister...who told me that one of the reasons I was in such bad shape was because he was the only person I ever had a relationship with...we never split up over it. But I always felt he never even tried to make it up. It was like don't bring it up it's the past. You would think that a person who is forgiven would want to make amends..In the time since the affair I have had a son. Who we both love so much. But my husband just doesn't show me anymore respect at all. He goes to parties, he flirts, he acts like he's single, and lies about it. Our fights are horrible. He calls me the worst things....just last week I went onto his email and found that he was corresponding and getting phone numbers, etc. from different women.. I confronted him and after a couple of days he called, and before you knew it, he was blaming me. Saying I don't make myself attractive for him, and the house should be spotless. Well I work 50 hours a week. I do the shopping the laundray, all the bills, all the business paperwork, etc. On the weekends I take the baby out to parks, and playgrounds, and activities (which is my best time)...I don't slouch at all. And because he's made me feel always so insecure, I'm always trying to look okay...So, I don't get much sleep and my house is not always perfect. So I know you all must be saying what is this women crazy? Get out. But the thing is I'm really a nice person, an intellegent person. I'm a professional, and if any of my friends or family came to me with these problems I would tell them to leave...my problem is I am so emotionally attached...I don't know why I am crying about this...why I'm even talking to this guy when he clearly doesn't love me, and has told me that he is unhappy. Why can't I just walk away...and be strong. Believe even writing this note, I feel weird...this isn't like me at all. I feel like I'm doing wrong asking for advice.
Can someone just help me. I'm crying just typing that because it's like admitting something I'm afraid to admit.

December 4, 2000
3:05 pm
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i dont want to be tied to anyones strings
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you're emotionally chained down to him and that's why it's so difficult to break free..when you come upon to unlocking yourself. you will realized that the ugliness that existed between you two is not worth the definition of love.. but 20 years of being together will leave a gaping hole inside you that will take a very long time to patch up.. i think there is alot of unresolved issues in this relationship that has been building up over the years..and it stains the relationship... it's very important to resolve all these issues and trying to work thigns out before deciding to end it.. from what you wrote.. it seems to me that you are a good, responsible, and decent person.. your love for him is genuine.. and if he takes it very lightly, then he really has a problem. he would never come to understanding your pain until someone else treats him the same way... you deserve better..

December 4, 2000
7:41 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hello Sally,

I am so sorry you are hurting like this. One other thing I am sure that makes it even harder for you to consider leaving is your child, and hoping to provide a stable two parent household for him.

It's awfully hard to just end a marriage, yes. Would he be willing to go to a marriage counselor with you? recommends trying to work it out. That sounds really long and involved, but you'll know almost immediately if it will work or not. Ask him to go to the counseling with you. If he says "OK, sure, why not?" then give it a go, there's hope.

But.

If he says "No way. Why should I? You're the one with the problem", then run. Run like the wind.

Peace.

December 4, 2000
7:47 pm
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Molly
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Since you have the 20 years together, give each other some space. You have a child together, and that is signifigant, as well as the history between you both. Divorce creates more piles of problems than what you have right now. He does sound like a jerk right now going through some acting out, but it is possible that you both have been acting out in some way for years. I am sure you are tired with your schedule, and looking for something from him, and may have become a needy bottomless pit, been there and done that. It is not fun to come home to some one who is blah blah blah, but its not fun being married to some one who is blah blah blah. I am on page 25 of the new marital guru, Phil McGraw, relational rescue, I should get a commission, I have refered to it so many times lately, but it will force you to look at you, in the relationship, it takes two to tango, and you both have made this what it is. Take some time for you right now, get some personal coaching, and not from sis, get a pro, take a long hot bath with some music, and for crying out loud, get a house keeper, and a babysitter once an a while, money is tight but sanity is much more cost effective. See the MD let the doc know what you are going through, chemicals change after babies, the father of my children has convinced them that I went bipolar after the birth of my second child, 21 years ago, who knows, but take some deep breaths, write in a journal, and take it a little easier, ok? don't forget that ice helps with the swelling on your eyes, don't want to give him more ammunition. It will work out no matter what.

December 4, 2000
9:47 pm
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Sally123
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Thank you. All of you who responded. It meant a lot. In fact I came home from work, and after of course being with my baby, the first thing I did was check to see if anyone responded. Because like I said, no one knows about these things at all and I'm like ready to lose it. In fact he called me in work today, normal conversation, but I started to well up on the phone and just said bye and hung up. No one saw that, but people just think I'm a bit stressed out because I'm looking for daycare, my husband being out of town, etc. I guess I'm a bit embarrassed to reach out..Driving home I realized what one of my fears is...I love him, I do. I know I can't make him love me the same way. It's not a healthy relationship, but I'm afraid that if it ends that I'll be sad. I mean sad forever. Like always waiting for him or something. I know it sounds so stupid. I know. I guess it's because we started as adolecents and went into an adult relationship. If any of you knew me, you'd be like, no way. She's got her head together. Know what I mean? Wow this like opening a flood gate.
Anyway, all of your advice makes sense, and I will consider it all. You actually made me laugh a little, cry a little. Thank you. Most people I know come to me for advice, and I give good advice...but, I will make sure I respond to someone who cries for help on this board every now and then...it helps. It's important. Thank you and bless you for taking the time.

December 5, 2000
12:32 am
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so confused
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I went through almost the same thing 8 years ago. I met my husband when I was 17. We got married at 20 and had our daughter 9 months later. At first things were okay. He was young and wanted to party and hang out. I was home taking care of the house and the baby. He did not pay much attention to me. He would go out of town a lot...he is in the Navy. Anyway, things were hard and the fights got worse. When I was 25 I had my son and he was like a save the marriage baby. it was great for a while. Then things started to get bad again. I finally figured out that we just grew a part. Some people grow together and some don't. We split a little over 7 years ago. We are great friends now, but can not live together. I felt the same way you do. Could not imagine life without him. He was the only man I loved in an adult relationship. Ask yourself this, "do you want to feel like this 10 years from now?" When I asked myself that question I answered it NO! Good luck with your decision. I will say a prayer for you.

December 5, 2000
1:04 am
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Jade-Babe
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December 5, 2000
1:49 am
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Jade-Babe
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You are not alone. You are strong. You have a good job to support you and your child. You can do it without him. You have a family and friends will reach out and help you because they care. It's not healthy for your child to see this problem. Your son will think it's okay to treat a woman bad.You need to be strong for your son. Your son will respect you. Sometimes. It's better off not to have a father around. It will cause a scar in your child's life. I can understand where you are coming from. You are not crazy. He is emotionally beating you down and verbally abusing you. Telling you. You're not good. It's your fault. You cause this problem. You made me cheat. You're not attractive. All this is emotionally and verbally abuse. He puts your dignity, self-worth and degrate you. Your husband has no respect for you. This is not love. This is CONTROLL. Sad to say. He will not change for you. He will continue cheating on you and say awful hurtful words to you.It shows he has no love and no respect for you. My ex-boyfriend is just like your husband, exactly. Until I went to the bookstore and picked out " Emotionally and Verbally Abusive in Relationship" And I went for counseling for me to build back my strenght and find myself worth. Yes. It hurts. But I don't deserve to be treated like I am not worthy. I am person. I have feelings just like he does. I like to be heard just like he likes to be heard. I like to be treated with respect just like he does. What I'm saying. You deserve better. You can do it. It's scary. You have to get back to reality and realize he does not love you enough to save the marriage. If you tried to work your marriage out and he doesn't want to. Then divorce him.It's not worth wasting your time crying over him. Be careful what he brings home when goes out cheats on you. "DISEASE" Then you wish you had divorce him long ago. You need to consider your son. He needs you. I'm a divorce single mother and proud of it. I have a okay job. I have a family and friends reaches out. And. YOU can do it too. You are not alone. Good luck. You do what is right for you and your son. Be strong. ONE PERSON CAN CONTROLL YOU IS YOU. ONLY YOU. YOU ARE IN CONTROLL OF YOUR DESTINY. REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE. YOU DESERVE MUCH FULLER LIFE.

December 5, 2000
9:15 am
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autumnlife
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I just wanted to say that although I am not in your situation, I can identify in some ways and I think the replies that you are getting are great. I am new to this website.

I have experienced verbal abuse in my childhood and adulthood from my parents and some family members, and I know how betrayed I have felt. I know that when you have given your love to another person, it is devastating to feel betrayed.

You have skills and life experience which is very valuable. If you see the positive things in yourself and value yourself, then the path to getting out of the situation is much easier to find. Women are conditioned to put ourselves down too much to love others.

I have a book "Women Who Love Too much" or something close to that. If you have time to read, there are quite a few books on the subject. I still fight that battle in my current relationship, and coming out of it is a lifetime struggle, but I have come so far. I am sure if you are able to write about it, even in a journal, or on the website, you are making strides to move on in your life. You have to care about yourself before people are going to care for you sometimes. Remember that men are often spoiled and have so many outside opportunities when so much is taken care of for them at home.

God Bless you in your journey to repair your life and move on.

December 5, 2000
11:10 am
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egg
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Hello My Friend:
The only reason God condones divorce is marital unfaithfullness. You have that on your side. You have decided to forgive him.Now ask him why why why why? is he treating you this way. Tell him how you feel about him. Give him the final say about the divorce even if you do not like his decision. He will have to answer to God for his actions in this life when the time comes. Holding on to someone that does not want to be with you will only make you feel bad and discouraged.If you speak to him face to face and lay all the cards on the table. When it is all said and done you know in your heart that you did everything that you could to solve this situation. Pray before you speak to him and ask God to soften his heart so that you can have a productive conversation. Ask God to speak through you so that you can get your point across to him rationally and calmly. If you are not a Christian Read Romans Chap10:9-10.
The both of you need to seek God. Believe me if you seek God with all of your heart and soul he will give you peace in your decisions. The Bibles version of love is
"Love is patient, Love is
kind.It does not envy,
it does not boast, it is not
proud.It is not rude,it is not self seeking,it is not easily angered,it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects,always perseveres.
Love never Fails.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Is this the love that you both have for eachother. Discuss it and see if maybe this is something you can stive for together. It takes two to make it work.Read your Bible and seek Gods Guidance. I reccomend starting in Matthew. I will be praying that Gods will, be done in your life. Trust in God and leave things in his hands and the results would be better then you ever thought possible. Peace Joy Happiness Gentelnss kindness. God wants these things for you. Do you guys want these things for eachother ? If you have any questions or comments for me please e-mail me [email protected]
Someone who cares is praying for you.
God Bless You.

December 7, 2000
2:24 am
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Sally123
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Here I am again....although I think all the advice that I got from this board so far is right on target...it's only been a couple of days since I wrote and unfortunately, I'm still "Totally Lost"....I did however, check with someone at work about a counselor, etc. (pretended it was for someone else), but it was too "close to home" and the person knew the counselor, so I'm uncomfortable with it...so I have to figure out how to find the right person to talk too. You gotta remember, this is all very new to me. Never, ever talking about my relationship, except with the person I'm having the problems with (my husband) which is good to in away, because I still believe people should try to work out things together...but I really do have to reach out now because I can't fix it anymore. Maybe I never could. So this board is like baby steps for me, and I do appreciate all advice and input and patience. At this point, (he is still out of town) we talk like business partners...we talk about business and the baby...sometimes I can get through the conversation fine and other times I lash out. What boggles my mind is that here I am, an intellegent women, and I'm still trying to get "something from him"...another women would, as one of you put it perfectly "run like the wind"...that was funny.
He wants me to come to where he is with the baby because he misses him...and I understand that...and I want to go, but I know I'm going to feel so very uncomfortable, emotional, etc. I just feel like screaming. I'm still "lost"...
Thanks again...

December 9, 2000
1:05 pm
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in a gentle way...thank you but no..
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it's best to understand the situation and understand the position of the person you're dealing with.. they just dont seem to understand what role they're playing and what they are doing that is wrong.. and this is what they "have" to understand.. otherewise.. they will continue to hurt you.. it's better if you take one huge step back and look at the whole picture and decide how you will deal with this.. i'm glad you are making efforts in reaching for help..becaues not everyone is invincible.. and no one deserves to feel hurt.. it can probably alter the way you see things in life.. negatively..
last night i spoke to the girl i love for many months.. and strangely enough.. i still have slight feelings for her.. even though the chaos between us is more uglier than imaginable.. i thought that perhaps the silence between us for 2 months will put things at ease and we could come to cooperating and speaking to eachother on a civilize level.. but it quickly it resulted in another argument.. her angry attitude and uncooperative behaviour just absolutely disgust me.. i just have very very little tolerance for her left and it's best that i should never acknowledge her existence ever again in my life..

December 9, 2000
7:11 pm
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Sally123
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I see what you mean...and again, all of the advice on this board makes sense and helps. Right now, I'm numb. Because as usual, when it rains it pours...I'm dealing with the stress of my marraige, and when your stressed it seems you attract more stress. I'm having issues at my job...etc. Because I know I'm mentally out of it a bit, I'm questioning myself. I just said today, it's like I can't keep my head above water. A lot of it has to do with not reaching out and dealing with it. Since my husband is the only person I've had any kind of relationship with, there too, he's the one I would normally turn to when I need to talk about issues or vice versa...right now I'm just trying to take it all one day at a time and see where it goes. Because like everyone, this month is so busy, it's hard to concentrate. So I'm just trying to get "on top of my game" to make some sense of things. I try just to count my blessings and do what's right and healthy.

December 26, 2000
4:30 pm
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jade
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i personally feel your situation has gotten to out of control to just talk things out. if he cheated once, regretted it and tried to make things right afterwards, i would say to stay and work it out, but that didn't happen. i think he needs to know what life feels like to really be single. it's easy to act single when you have someone at home but when you are really single, it's a whole other story. my advice is to separate, not divorced yet, but defiantly separate. i believe it's less lonely being alone then being with someone and feeling alone. if you are not part of his life on a regular basis, it will give you room to look at your relationship from the outside and see things more clearly. it will also give him a taste of life without you. i know it will be a very difficult time for you but at least it will eventually get better weather he ends up realizing he doesn't want to lose you or maybe you will even realize you don't want to deal with his bull s____ after all. either way, in my opinion that is much better then dealing with what your dealing with now for, who knows how much longer...

i feel "actions speak louder then words", it seems you've been speaking for a while now and your not getting through, it's time to act.

one more thing, try to look at all of your choices, and see what you feel would be best for you and your son LONG-TERM. don't just think of how you will feel now, consider the future.

good luck, and honestly, i think it's all going to work out, which ever way it falls...

December 26, 2000
9:34 pm
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janes
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READ....go to the self help section at your local book store (preferably one that serves tea and coffee then...sit yourself down with a cuppa and browse through the relationship section and self help section..

j-

December 31, 2000
12:28 am
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Kim1370
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Sally123:

I've just read all of the postings, and I wondered how you're doing. You sound like a good person who deserves to be treated so much better. I hope things are better for you.

January 12, 2001
5:10 pm
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LadyUK
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SALLY123 Hope things have gotte a lot better for you since the first day you posted here.
I can sympathise with you about the feeling of betrayal.. I too was betrayed.

continue to be strong

January 28, 2001
4:01 pm
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steveareno6
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Sally123,
You seem to be focusing totally on what he wants...what do you want? Just want you to think about it.
Make a list of what you want in your relationship and what you want in life. You need some direction. Begin with something simple and dont forget to treat your self well. There is no reason to abuse yourself by only focusing on him.
steve
WHAT DO YOU WANT??!!

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