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Totally in love and very unhappy
June 14, 2000
2:58 pm
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teddy
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I am at the end of my ropes, I have no idea if I am causing the problem or if........My boyfriend (39) and I (39) having been living together for 2 years in seperate rooms. We have sex maybe every 6 - 8 weeks. And then I have to ask for it. We do not touch, except to kiss each other goodnight or goodbye. I brought this up to him the other night and by the slip of the tongue I said that maybe we were not compatible (in everything else we are). He told me he would show me compatible and now he will not talk to me. It has been three days and no let up. I am very hurt inside it is like loosing my bestfriend. What can I do to bring my relationship back? help.

June 14, 2000
3:38 pm
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Christie
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Hi Teddy,

I'm sorry about your recent turn of affairs. I can imagine how painful this must be for you. I think the most logical thing you can do for your relationship right now is talk to your boyfriend. Obviously, he took what you've said too far which proves he is hurt and therefore DOES care for you...but I'm sure that's not where the problem ends. The separate room thing is a bit much....May I ask if a fight or certain outcome of an argument led to this arrangement? If so, I'm wondering why it was never resolved. Couples...even if the desire for sex is low...tend to still sleep in the same bed.
I think there is more here than meets the eye. I think the two of you need to talk about your feelings and decide where the relationship is going. Ask him why he got so upset about a problem which should be obvious to him. It may be hard but apologize to him for using the wrong word choice ("incompatible" may have been hurtful to him in a way). But be sure to tell him you are totally in love with him...you just are confused and need to work some things out. Then he'll listen. I'm sure he may feel similar, but may have been thrown by your comment.
I've been so scared to talk to boyfriends about issues.....and then I came to realize they were figuring out a way to talk to me...and just didn't know how. Give it a try. Good luck and we're all here for you!

hugs, Christie

June 15, 2000
7:20 am
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teddy
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Christie, thanks for the come back. The seperate rooms was something he wanted from the begining, he said that he has a hard time sleeping with someone else in the bed. It was not becasue of a fight or anything. And I do respect his decision. He works 3rd shift and I work 1st shift. So last night when I got home I put a rose on his pillow with a note telling him that I was so sorry for using the word compatible, and I just didn't understand what is going on. I told him how much I love him and his friendship was the most important thing in my life. I don't know if this will work, but I feel realy bad for bringing something out that would hurt him so badly. I do not like to hurt the people that I care about. And like you I do believe we need to talk. But how do I need to start without hurting his feeling? Sometimes I am too blunt on how I bring things across. I always felt that if you told someone exactly how you feel and be honest with them this would stop any future problems. So how do I go about trying to get him to talk with me without him feeling defensive?

June 15, 2000
8:29 pm
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janes
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Why should YOU feel BAD when having a relationship is TWO people not just one.

I would be wondering what he is defensive about?

And how childish to just not talk to the person you have chosen to live with. What is up with that?

I think I agree with you..you two aren't compatible.

You sound like a warm loving person who has accepted less than you deserve.

Anytime one of a couple has to be "careful" and "worry" about the other persons feelings that seems to say to me....codependent!!

You give and he takes. Doesn't seem real fair to me.

I'd find someone else. You need and deserve more warmth.

June 15, 2000
10:17 pm
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Beautiful
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Oh sweet Teddy, I just want to give you a big hug right now! I will be your best friend. All I can suggest is just be open and talk to him. If there is no communication, there is no relationship! You can do it! Do what is right for you, emotionally, physically & sexually.

June 16, 2000
7:19 am
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teddy
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Thanks for all your help and advise, Christie, Janes and Beautiful. It sure does help to listen to someone elses opinion. I got home yesterday the note was throwed in the garbage and the rose was gone. I still have not talked to him yet. I can't say that it didn't hurt to see the note wadded up and throwed away in the garbage. So I really do not know what he is thinking. One of the guys at work said that I should just let him take the next step? He said that there was too many guys out there looking for a women like me. "That I was beautiful, funny, caring and sweet has heck." He said that my boyfriend was just acting like a child and real men do not do that. Is this a true statement? Because I really do not believe this. My boyfriend is a very special person and he is my bestfriend. I believe that I really did hurt him. I just need to find away that he will except my apology. Day 5

June 16, 2000
11:15 am
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Cici
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I think that you're letting your boyfriend control the relaitonship, you shouldn't be punished for trying to take an active role in expressing your needs in the relationship.

Men don't respect women who act like doormats. Heck, women don't respect men who act like doormats. No one wants to be involved with someone who doesn't ever voice an opinion or demand at least something.

I have a friend who recently broke up with his girlfriend. He used to be so cruel to her, but she took it. She was always afraid that he would break up with her and in the end,he did because she was too passive. He would do things like make her sleep in a separate room, or make her sit and wait for him in the car while he went and visited his friends. Not because he wanted to, but because he was trying to elict some sort of reaction from her other than pliability. But she was always like, "OK, whatever you say honey."

You have to start evaluating the reality of your situation. How can he be your best friend if he doesn't talk to you and throws away a not in which you beg for his forgiveness? I talk to my best friend every day. Even when we fight. You need to be more assertive or you will never find fulfillment of happiness in your relationship.

June 18, 2000
11:02 pm
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Malificent
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Dear Teddy...I feel for you..I really do. I just recently had to leave someone I was in love with and made me unhappy....have you noticed that being totally in love and unhappy is not something that usually goes hand in hand. Maybe being unhappy is what makes you totally in love...I am curious as to your life growing up...if you had a unhappy home life then maybe you love him because ...well....being unhappy is what your use to...so that is what feels like "home" to you. If the more you try to make things right the more he pushes away then I think you have a problem. If I may suggest a book I just read, I think you should pick Women Who Love Too Much. It is shedding light on so many things for me. I hope that is not taken as an advertisment for the book. If so I apologize. I wish you luck and much happiness.

June 19, 2000
5:06 am
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Iris
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I think you need to decide what exactly you want from this relationship.If you want someone to live with and not being alone...may be a roomate (preferably a girl) is better.If you want a partner,a lover,and a friend you need either to do something with HIM,or find somebody else.You say you love him(but we don,t know if he loves you,seems to me he loves only himself),if you decide you only want things as before(a roomate who hardly gives some sex,some communication,and a lot of selfishness and stubbornness),and if you are satisfied with that,that is ok,it is your life.Whatever you decide,and as Beutiful said, you need to communicate with him (directly,face to face) and bring everything in your mind to this communication.Use "I messages" in order not to let him get defensive.Do not blame or evaluate or judge.Describe specefic situations and describe how you felt about it: "when you throwed my note,I felt hurt..".Face the situation as a problem-solving one to solve a problem and to strenghten the relationship.

To be successful, this proccess should be reciprocal .And ,as Cici suggested,be more assertive.

June 19, 2000
7:23 am
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teddy
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Well I want to thank all of you for your help and advise. Friday when I got home, he had a nice dinner planned out, we talked a lot, and yes he was very hurt. He said that usually when someone saids that your not compatible your ususally looking for someone else (which wasn't the case). We talked for about 6 hours. Which at one time in the resturant he got down on his hands and knees and sang the song "If loving you is wrong I don't want to be right". Nobody has ever done this to me before. So at first I was a little shock and embarssed. Saturday we just drove around the country side talking about how we wanted our future to go forward. What I wanted out of the relationship and what he wanted out of the relationship. Which we found out is basically the same. We have started sleeping in the same room. Which is a big change for both of us. But I sure do enjoy it. I believe we are even more comforterable with our relationship now then a couple of weeks ago. And CiCi has far as being passive, when I told my daugther this and boyfriend they rolled now and the floor laughing. But then one never knows another person. Thank you all for the comforter and love that you have sent my way. Hopefully I will be strong enough like all of you to give good advise. Love Teddy

June 19, 2000
7:25 am
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teddy
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Sorry about some of the mis-spelled words.

June 19, 2000
10:51 am
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Cici
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Weeeellll, I'm sorry to elicit a defensive response about the idea of being too passive. I suppose I was working from my own paradigm. You see, if my boyfriend made me sleep in a separate room and never kissed or touched me except maybe once every 2 months, I wouldn't be with him. Especially not for 2 years.

But as you said before, I don't know ya. My needs aren't your needs and my idea of being assertive is perhaps not yours. Glad that things turned out well. Good luck.

June 19, 2000
12:35 pm
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teddy
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Sorry CiCi, didn't mean to sound ungreatful, because I did listen to your advise too, and I did apprecate it. And you were right in many ways. Teddy

June 19, 2000
3:23 pm
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Christie
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OH TEDDY!!

I'm soooo glad everything worked out for you both!!!!......Relationship stuff is so tough and when things go wrong......it's the only thing eating at your brain. I'm glad we could be of some help and support for you at that difficult time.

Take care and god bless!!!

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