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total state of confusion
July 28, 2005
11:06 pm
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pixygirl
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For some reason today is difficult. I don't know if its b/c I just started a new job and am overwhelmed. I don't know if its b/c I want my husband to come back to live w/my baby and I. I don't know if its b/c I am afraid everyone wants me to take him back into my life, trust him, forgive him and I'm feeling guilty that b/c of his lies I might not be able to take him back. I don't know if its b/c I haven't talked to any of my girlfriends in a couple days. I don't know if its b/c my mom started in on me this morning about how important it is for my baby to have a family that lives in the same house. I don't know if its b/c I feel guilty about telling her to give me some space. I don't know if its b/c the one person I really want to talk to, I have been avoiding like the plague b/c I don't want to start another relationship w/a guy until I resolve all of my issues w/my husband. I don't know if its b/c this weekend starts the beginning of rotation for our child and this will be the longest I've been away from baby since she was born.

Its probably just a combination of everything, but today, I'm just a little sad and really am not sure why. Since I've become a regular visitor to this site, I've really begun to feel better about being codependent and understanding what that means. Its helped me to read your stories, offer what little words of wisdom I have to feel better about myself. For some reason, today is different. Today, I am sad and feel really lonely. Today, I want to cry. Today, I'm running through the "if only" scenarios in my head. I thought that I was moving past that. Evidently, not.

July 28, 2005
11:16 pm
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Anonymous
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"If only" does not exist, so don't even go there!

That's what I repeat over and over to myself when I get anxious about things I have no control over. I understand "bad" days. Today, mine has been exceptionally stressful, so I'm right along with you on this one.

It feels good to get it all out here, though, doesn't it? Just keep telling yourself that some days will be more difficult than others, take a few deep breaths, and then tackle one problem at a time. And remember, this too shall pass...

Hope tomorrow is better, my friend:)

July 28, 2005
11:23 pm
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exoticflower
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Pixy, I understand that fully. mY daughter is thirteen months old and I still tear up thinking about her first few weeks and how her fathers mother came and insisted on taking up all of the time I wanted to spend bonding. It's selfish and wonderful at once, it's the sort of thing that makes us mothers. We want our children, want to be close to them as much as possible...at least the first several months:) It does get easier, though I cried just this last visit when they went for the whole day without me.

And as much as you listed there, I think you should be more worried if you WHERENT sad and confused. There are a lot of things that are sad and confising happening in your life right now. And these things are all of the hard parts of moving foreward. They are all nessacary to getting better for yourself, no pain no gain I guess. THe couldashouldawoulda game I think is a bit of bargaining coupled with a bit of denial, both natural and eventually healthy...working through them, that is, not embrasing it as a lifestyle or anything. I'm at anger right now, and can I tell you how liberating THAT feels? I promise, if you make it through this there are way more empowering stages of grieving coming up. ANd in time you will move past this part to.

I agree, by the way, it is not a great idea to move foreward with someone romantically so soon and as you are unsure about any of your feelings right now. I respect you for being responsible about that. If you know this is where your mind lays with this person, you should be proud of yourself for being fair and giving both of your feelings in the long run the respect they deserve. Especially as you have recently not been treated with that respect yourself and it could be easy to feel like if you didn't get it why give it to anyone else...some people I know are really that consumed with bitterness, so at least there the fact that you have not become hard or appethetic through this.

July 29, 2005
5:16 am
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pixygirl
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Wow! I woke up early this morn to these posts and they really comforted me. It does feel good to get it out here. I don't feel like anyone is going to judge me and that everyone is here just to support my decision...whatever that is.

The grieving stages confuse me. Since all of this started 5mnths ago w/my husband, I've been through several stages, including anger. Is that too quick? I haven't read up on it but I would guess that it varies for each person. My husband only told me a week ago that he wants to try again so now I'm confused about whether or not I can go back since I feel like I've been through stages. So, for me the questions are...can my husband do it? Do I want to try again with him? Have I been so hurt by him that I will never fully accept him back into my life? Will my willpower hold out to not begin a relationship w/my friend?

I am trying to make the best decisions for myself and my daughter. So, right now, I choose to make no decisions whatsoever. That's really difficult b/c I'm the type of person where answers need to be given promptly and adhered to. My world is a black and white one w/no shades of gray. Things either are or they aren't. I guess my fear right now is that I'll make the wrong decision and have to live with it.

One thing I know I have to do this weekend is tell my friend that until everything is resolved either way, and I make a commitment to myself, I have to commit to only being friends. It is the only way I can be fair to everyone involved. Selfishly speaking, its not what I want to do, but its what has to be done. I know he'll respect my strength.

I can't ever see myself as hard or apathetic. Oddly enough, all of this pain that I've been through has taught me that I want to be treated w/respect and whether or not that's w/ or w/out husband, w/ or w/out friend, someone new or alone is left to be seen.

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