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TORN.....Never put yourself in this position, it'll break your heart!
May 15, 2004
1:04 am
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nattie
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Hi, it's been awhile since I've written, I hope all is well with everyone. 🙂 I'm writting 'cause I need some advice or maybe someone has had a similar experience they can share with me. I am at odds at what is going on in my life right now and need some words of wisdom badly ASAP.

To give you a quick history, I am 31 and have been on again off again with my ex for the last 4 or so years and it's been rough. We have broken up over us fighting constantly, about him being very stubborn and domineering, he's also been frustrated about me and my anxieties and many times I've left and have come back in hopes for a better man. We lived together for about a year but 3 months ago we had a huge blowout and I moved home with my parents. Since I was gone, I met a wonderful guy who is so sweet and so kind to me. My main problem is and I know this sounds strange but being with this other guy I have seen how I want to be treated and to put it frankly, how I want to be made love to, kissed, touched, talked to, whatever. I've never felt anything like it before and didn't want to base my decision on what could be infatuation, but I miss it. It's only been a week since I went back to my ex but I am still unable to be intimate with him, even though at one time I was insanly attracted to him.

So, about a week ago I had to break this new guys heart to go back to my ex, again. It was THE hardest thing to do, to have two hearts in your hand. One begging you to come back and telling you how sorry & wrong they were and the other did nothing wrong, never did. I felt like I didn't owe it to my ex for another chance but it's so hard! I think the main reason was because he's been seeing a therapist to talk about his behavior and has admitted whole heartedly about how wrong he was. And I have to admit just him going to a therapist, which he never believed in, IS a big change for him, but I'm still skeptical and I still feel angry at him at times. Also, I felt like I was abandoning him and that I owed him a chance to be a better person for me and himself. He has also been so adament about living in the city but now wants to move into a house of my choice in the country. He's putting a down payment on the one I pick out anytime I'm ready. We are going to look at houses tomorrow! I do have to add that the other guy is still married and is in the midst of a divorce and has two children. Not my thing to ever get involved with a married man. So another reason for me going back was that I want a family of my own, a fresh start. God, I could write a book about the drama in my life, I'm so embarassed and so scared of doing the wrong thing, I don't even know what the right thing is anymore.

Thank you for listening.........

~nattie 🙂

May 15, 2004
1:55 am
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annastar
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I was trying to start relationships with new guy, when old one desided he wants to get back together…He was nice to he fix it. When new guy gone- problems started again. But your situation sound not as bad. I was just thinking to give new guy a chance, but he making it so difficult- I think- may be I should go back to old one… My latest post is “Ex as a best friend” is about new guy. It getting late- my eyes hurt (crying is a bad idea!)… Not sure what is the question you ask.

May 15, 2004
9:55 am
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CAMER
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Nattie: sounds like your boyfriend of the many years is making improvement with personal issues by seeing a therapist and putting you first with the house and where you would want to live...sounds like positive steps and only you will truely know if he has changed. As for the new man who is still married, is he "married" as in still living with his wife but getting a divorce or more "separated" and going thru a divorce where she is not living with him,,,,cuz if he is still living with her, I'd step away
for sure and the relationship is so
new also. Sometimes Nattie its good to dig deep in your soul and go with your instincts on this one. I do wish your boyfriend in therapy best of luck for positive steps and for
you on the choice that you make.

May 21, 2004
9:43 pm
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nattie
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Thank you for responding. It's been about a week now since I've written and I'm still feeling the same. I'm still insanley attracted to this other man, my heart stops everytime I see him and right now I am still having trouble getting that same feeling I use to have back for my ex. Even though he is being so sweet and wants to have a family which I know will be great, we have the same goals. I'm not sure what to do now that things are the way they should've been for a long time, but still having strong feelings for this other man.

Does anyone think that this is just a case of infatuation for the other man and that it will fade? Should I try and give my ex another chance in hopes that the feeling will return? Or do you guys think the feeling will never return and I should throw the chance of marriage and family for an unknown chance with this new guy???

I'm so lost and can't think about anything else. Please help!!!

May 21, 2004
9:49 pm
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memphis
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Nattie

What is your gut reaction? For years my friend who is a counselor has asked me What is your gut reaction. My gut was right all the time........whats yours? Hard decision

May 21, 2004
10:40 pm
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nattie
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I have trusted that reaction many a times in the past and have been dissapointed in the end.

I can honestly tell you I cannot see or feel the answer clear enough to make a move. I'm just so scared to make the wrong decision.......

May 21, 2004
11:49 pm
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gingerleigh
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I think the therapist's answer would be that jumping back and forth between these guys isn't really giving you a chance to see what you want. It seems like neither of these men are really what you want. This one is nice BUT he's married and going through a divorce. That one is making tremendous strides it seems BUT you don't trust him. You've read Zinnie's NO BUTS list, right?

Why do you have to pick one of these two? Either way you're settling, aren't you? Perhaps the decision is not to pick what is behind door number one or door number two... could there be a third option?

May 21, 2004
11:54 pm
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spacegirl10000
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I don't understand something you and your ex are back together right? Why do you still call him ex if your back with him? I think that is a little strange if your back together he should be your boyfriend not your ex. I think you know the answer but your scared to say it. Look inside yourself and read all you have written. Good luck.

May 22, 2004
12:03 am
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nattie
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Hmmmmm. Thanks gingerliegh. I guess it does seem as if I'm settling in a way, and i hate to admit that. I never could tell the difference. How do you know the difference?

May 22, 2004
12:26 am
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annastar
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I would say- if I feel attracted to man- it must be some thing wrong with him. I just know what type of guys I am attracted to and they are not “marriage material” usually. So- may be- if you feel so passionate about new person- it is a sign of hidden problem you can not put on words yet?
I have almost the same problem as you are and both of my potential b/fs have “but”. The moral issue here for me that I catch myself on thinking about how to keep both of them around; wile, besides me being Christian, I already had bad experience when both of them left me. People say- you can not catch two rabbits and I am not trying- I just don’t know what to do, same as you are. I would tell you- wait and see what happen, but I know- it is not an answer. I would like to hear more about it as well.

May 22, 2004
12:34 am
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gingerleigh
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If neither of these choices are saying to you "this is right" in a soft but clear and comforting voice, then neither of them are going to ring true for you. If instead the voice is saying "well, this is the best I can do" then that's a pretty clear indication that you're settling.

May 22, 2004
12:45 am
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nattie
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I hear what your saying. Thanks for responding and I'm sorry you're in the same predicament as I am. It really sucks!

I guess in the back of my head I keep hearing my friend tell me how bad my ex treated me, that he doesn't deserve the chance and that he'll only return to his domineering ways. She's also told me, knowing the new guy personally, that he is a sweetheart and would never hurt me. I never knew it could feel so good to be loved when I'm with him but I was wondering if maybe it's just the attention I've been lacking or maybe it's really a chance to be in a relationship that is sweet and nuturing. I'm also torn because I know my ex is someone that would give me wonderful opportunities, a home, a family in the immediate future, something that the other man cannot give me, not sure if he ever could and it is something that I want so badly. I don't want to settle....i just want to be in love and find the right man to build a family with. I hate this crap! I wish it was easier then this. I'm not getting any younger and I'm scared of being alone and even worse being with the wrong person!

May 22, 2004
12:47 am
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annastar
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Interesting! In my case- I am more feel like- “O, my God! I did not deserve them!” I am afraid- I will not able to keep them. (My low self esteem?)

May 22, 2004
12:49 am
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nattie
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I know what your saying, I think that way too sometimes. Low self esteem is a curse. 🙁

May 22, 2004
12:50 am
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spaz
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Spacegirl 1000 has a very good point. I too am wondering why you need to settle for either of them. If your ex is now agreeing with you about moving, will he be happy? Or the next time there is a problem, will he later resent you for "making" him move? There is always a honeymoon period in every relationship. Will the overwhelming feeling of excitement fade with this new guy? I say most likely. If he is becoming some one's ex make sure you know all 3 sides to the story, his, hers, and the truth. Good luck to you.

May 22, 2004
12:56 am
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nattie
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Gingerleigh...... the funny thing is, I do hear that voice, even when i've been with both of them. But, then it's overshadowed by another voice that has doubts and fear that what I'm feeling is wrong. I'm telling you girl, I don't know which way is up anymore. I go back and forth so many times I'm getting myself sick!!! My gut feeling is that I'm sick to my stomach at trying to figure it out. But they want me to decide. How can I tell them that I don't know?? How do I take the time to figure this out without hurting them and/or continue dating them or not? My ex wants to get married! I don't know what to tell him.

May 22, 2004
1:00 am
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annastar
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At less- you know what to expect from old one. Let say- if the new guy never step on a picture, do you think- your relationships with Old one would survive and eventually get where it supposed to be- happy family? Do you see yourself happy with him 10 years from now?

May 22, 2004
1:02 am
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nattie
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Thank you spaz and spacegirl too, your points are well taken! xo

May 22, 2004
1:05 am
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nattie
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annastar, I honestly don't know. It's the unknown that I'm scared about....will he change his ways again? Is it like every other time I've gone back just to be dissapointed? I don't know.

Does anyone have a crystal ball i could borrow??

I appreciate everyone for taking the time to help me! Thank You Thank YOU!!!

May 22, 2004
1:08 am
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annastar
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Do ya know how to calculate average? Calculate his average over the years- this is what he is going to be.

May 22, 2004
1:13 am
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spaz
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If you are having such strong feelings for some one else than maybe getting married is not such a great idea at this time. I strongly believe that marriage is forever. FOREVER is a really long time, something that you need to be absolutely certain about. It doesn't sound like you are too certain of either. This may sound a little dumb but how about taking some time for just yourself, with out either of them. Maybe just for a couple of days or a week or two. If you have some alone time, maybe you can think more clearly?

May 23, 2004
9:53 pm
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nattie
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I wanted to thank everyone for your support and wanted to let you know I decided to say goodbye to my ex.

I have been feeling very confused, resentful and angry at him the past few days. Certain things he does still triggers the past for me and how he was. I am sad though because I should let it go and be happy that finally he has seen the light and is ready to give me the love I've been fighting for for so long, but I've realized I am just really too confused to move forward the way he wants to now. It's such a shame and ironic at the same time. I really think this other man has givin me a true perspective of what love is supppose to be like. Even though my ex may have been able to give that to me, I think it's just too late for him to prove it, I have nothing left to give.

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