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too scared to let go
May 24, 2004
3:49 am
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natty
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Hi all, those of you who have interacted with me about my BF will probably think I am insane, sometimes I write how great he is, other times I say how awful he is.

I think it's time to leave him, but something, fear no doubt, is stopping me.

I will write down the bad aspects of the relationship, and can anybody please tell me if they can see one good reason why I should stay? Obviously I have to make my own choices, but it can help to have an outsider point out what is so obvious:

I do not know his address (he lives with parents because of his kids)

I have not met his children, although he puts them on the phone to me. He has 50/50 custody of them so I don't see him the week he has the kids.

His family do not know I exist

He has always left first thing in the morning, even weekends, but lately that has turned into him leaving in the middle of the night.

He has told me he will never settle down again, his divorce was too ugly, but he told me he loves me. What's that about??!!

Every time I try to talk to him about this,he accuses me of being ``feisty'' and backs even further away

We have been going out almost 8 months. I used to see him three times a week, every second week only, but that has turned into once a week, every second week. In other words, hardly ever!

Gaagghh - what am I doing with him? I tried to break up with him at Easter time, and for two weeks, I was a MESS. Suddenly all the bad stuff seemed OK and I wanted him back SO bad. An older female friend of mine said I should just enjoy it for what it is, but I am starting to feel really used!

May 24, 2004
9:19 am
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CAMER
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it would bother me that I did not know his address and his family does not know you exist, esp after being with him for 8 mos....and for him to leave either a.m. or in the middle of the nite, what's up with that?? he did tell you he had an ugly divorce,
so maybe he is afraid of the commitment part and getting "too" serious. Sounds like you love him alot, and only you can decide if you
want to be with him. Have you ever
tried to speak with him rationally without him coming back and saying you
are too fiesty, does he ever really
want to listen to how you feel, I
mean really just listen without throwing things back in your face?
Good luck, I always feel communication is the best.

May 24, 2004
11:32 am
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acj
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"He has told me he will never settle down again, his divorce was too ugly, but he told me he loves me."

You either have to accept what he tells you here or you need to let him go. It sounds like he's been pretty honest. Yes, he may love you but if you need any type of security like commitment or marriage, he has told you that he has no intentions of this. Can you handle the relationship just as it is right now? It may not ever progress any further than this.

You need to make this decision. I wish you the best of luck...

acj

May 24, 2004
12:46 pm
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fairy99
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natty

ajc is right. Do you want that kind of love in your life or do you want the kind of love you deserve. At least hwe is honest with you which is not a common trait amoung men. You have invested time but it is stillearly in the game and you know in your heart you deserve better than to just be in the background. No one wants to be alone but it's better than being a shadow. You go find that guy and you tell him he doesn't deserve a person like you. You got'a love yourself sweetie before you can love someone else. Be strong and find that person who deserves to be in your life. Keeping you in my prayers.

May 24, 2004
1:53 pm
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Zinnie
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Call me a cynic...

He is still married.

May 24, 2004
1:59 pm
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fairy99
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I kinda got that same feeling Zinnie.

May 24, 2004
2:45 pm
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acj
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Man, I didn't even think of that....

You all could be right that he's still married.

acj

May 24, 2004
2:51 pm
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fairy99
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For your sanity check it out. Be careful though. You have nothing to loose sweetie. Good luck.

May 24, 2004
3:26 pm
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Zinnie
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Been there done that. The guy even used to bring his son with him on dates!

Yes... it's true. Me. The little boy was about 18 months or so. One day he called him "Daddy" - I said I thought you were "Uncle _______" - and he replies (naturally) - oh, he call's all men "Daddy." Telling me how cute it was. So, then he tried tell me that the little guy should call me "Mama." Um....???????

Long story short, I checked it out. He was married, with a kid, expecting another one.

BLECH!

May 24, 2004
7:36 pm
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natty
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Thanks everybody for the advice.

I suspected the still married thing too a few months in to the relationship. But if he were still married, he wouldn't let me talk on the phone to the kids, surely. They must know I'm more than just a friend. One day he was chatting on the phone and the little girl walked in and said ``who are you talking to'' and he said ``who do you think?'' and she said ``natty - let me say hello''.

Another time we were talking about cars, I was looking for a new one. I said I didn't want another white car. He said ``my ex-wife hates white cars too'' and the little girl piped up in the back ground ``my mummy''.

I really don't believe he is married, I think it's just that he is totally committed to never committing again.

All the above advice you guys have posted is right. He is offering no more than he already is, and it's up to me whether that is good enough.

You know what? It's not. I want a healthy full-time relationship. I want to get married and have a baby one day. I am 33 years old. I don't want to waste too many years on somebody who clearly will not be there for the long haul.

Thanks everybody 🙂 🙂

May 25, 2004
9:16 pm
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natty
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I DUMPED HIM. I don't know what it is, but something has been changing in me these past few weeks. I have been having pretty good therapy to work on my issues, and everyday, without really realising it I must be getting stronger.

I finally decided - enough is enough. I have not seen him for 9 days, he has day off today and I asked him to come have lunch with me. He said no. I said ``Ok you just made this really easy for me. I am worth SO much more than somebody who I have to beg to see me, who gives me SO LITTLE of their time''.

His response - ``Ok. Bye''.

That was it!!!!!

I feel SO strong. I know I did the right thing. I just hope I don't weaken and call him, because he has placed so little value on me.

May 25, 2004
9:18 pm
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Zinnie
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Hey Natty,

Hope you will start with living!

In answer to you previous question, regarding the kids talking to you - both my Father and my husband's Dad - um, let us talk to their girl friends. Yeah, another sick kick.

Z.

May 25, 2004
9:26 pm
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natty
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Oh my God - that IS sick. Were they not worried you would tell your mother?

I could easily find out - I know where his ex-wife works. I could just call her up, but I am a bit worried that would be seen as stalking him or something.

I guess at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. He is my past, and if he is still married and was cheating, that is just really sad for him, his kids, his wife.

Living is exactly what I intend to do. My primary focus in life now is to heal and get to a point where I no longer put up with relationships that offer me the crumbs off the table and nothing more.

Thanks for your support everybody 🙂

May 25, 2004
9:36 pm
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Zinnie
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In both cases we were little and we could be maniuplated to say just about anything.

Just like I said about the guy I went out with for a few months. He brought his kid with him. When, the baby started talking, he starts telling him to call me "Mommy."

Natty, children are innocent, and will do anything to please their parents. Don't obsess about it, just breathe a sigh of relief that you can now move on with your life.

All the best - to your brave new world.

Zinnie

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