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Too much presure....I'm about to break!!!
February 16, 2005
11:38 am
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lostinthismess
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Hi all,
For those of you who suggested I start a new thread here it is! For those who have not read the previous let me catch you up.....My hubby and I have been married for 6 1/2 years.We have 3 small children, He has cheated (more than once) But claimes he loves me (but is not in love with me) and has been recently suicidal (for which he is going to counseling). This past weekend he went away to "think" about a plan to help him get through all this. His "plan" is to get a divorce from me giving me everything including full custody of our kids. But here is the kicker, He wants to keep it a secret and go on living together as we have.(I know that sounds rediculous!) So I am needless to say extreamly distraught about this whole ordeal as I have stood by him through it ALL. Including a website he created pledging his undying love to someone else.(someone he can't ever have a relationship with because she is a family member of mine...but that's a story for another thread!) He kept telling me I was all he had to live for but that he needed me to be more like I was when we got married(at 18). Who here is the same now as they were at that age? Not many I'm sure. Anyway I am feeling a ton of stress and presure because he wants this to all be secret and I don't trust his motives. Yesturday I had to run 2 1/2 miles to get my adrenaline level to calm down. Needless to say I have been feeling like a mega B%$#@! I am open to any, all advice and/or support! Thank You All

February 16, 2005
11:59 am
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ILSILS
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so basicly he said to you that he wants his cake and wants to devour it too? he wants to have you but not be married or held to a commitment, he wants a divorce but still wants to ive in lala land with you, and your consolation prize is the kids, who he more then likely is saying i dont want to have to be commited to them either??? well i sure hope that you believe that you are worth more then that, it hurts, believe me it does, but when you become your own advocate and start sticking up for yourself and expecting more, then the world seems to open its doors for you.
have peace-
ils

February 16, 2005
12:06 pm
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sdesigns
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Ditto what ILSILS said. I think that would an extremely hard way for you to live. He's breaking all ties and obligations- he could leave at any second since he would already have everything set up to do so. That would be living on pins and needles for you. You would have no control over the situation whatsoever and wouldn't know when it would happen.

February 16, 2005
12:10 pm
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jastypes
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I'm sorry, but you would have to be crazy to accept his terms. See an attorney. Seek counseling if necessary. Figure out what YOU want, then get it! You go girl!

jill

February 16, 2005
12:25 pm
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revelation
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OK, I just read your post and I am really going to try not to sound angry here. There are people out there who really truly believe that this great big world of OURS revolves around them. Your husband is one of those people. He wants a stepford wife. He wants the cake, the icing the cherry on top AND he wants to eat it. He says he loves you but is not in love with you???? Huh??? Thats drivel....you don't come across as a stupid person...why does he believe you are? Have you given him a reason to believe he can do and say these things to you and get away with it?
Why did you stick by him? He has treated you very badly, do you still love him? Why?
I think there are two reasons why people cheat.
1. They are looking for someone different from the person they are with because they are not happy with that person.
2. They are GREEDY.
Sounds to me like your husband falls into the second category. He still wants you there as backup in case he falls on his face, but he wants to get out there and get what he can while he can. by going ahead with his "plan" you are basically giving him the "cake" on a silver platter. Kick him to the kerb...PLEASE!

February 16, 2005
12:31 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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I'd have to agree. How could you even consider his offer? He definitely wants his cake and eat it too.

If he wants a divorce, fine, then tell him to get out of your life. You will have nothing but heartache if you allow him to stay. Please don't let him do that to you. You deserve much, much better. With him living with you, you will never be able to move on and live your own life.

February 16, 2005
1:20 pm
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lostinthismess
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Do you all think I am crazy?? I am starting to think I am I mean what am I thinking allowing this to happen in my life. He is a really smart guy and he seems to use it against me that he is smarter than I am.....I do still love him....maybe because I am scared to be alone....or because I have no one else. I have no family except his ....they are all on my side and I'm sure they would just scream if they knew he was even suggesting that I accept this plan.I think I need counseling!!

February 16, 2005
1:27 pm
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CAMER
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WHY not try counseling...and never be afraid to be alone..you would be better alone by yourself than with him and being unhappy.

February 16, 2005
3:40 pm
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laura ann
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lostinthismess,

I don't want to sound snide, and it is difficult to communicate when you can't hear someone's voice and see their face. Believe me, I can feel your bewilderment and pain. (Not ALL of it, of course, because I have never been through your situation!)But, it occurs to me that your husband is not really THAT smart or he would cherish and love his wife and his family so that when he is balding and has a paunch, and is staring death in the face, he can look back and believe that he has made a difference on this earth and is leaving something positive and loving behind. I ain't seein' that. I'm seein' SELFISH!! From my vantage point, you're probably WAY smarter than him. You choose goodness over evil and maturity over immaturity.

February 16, 2005
3:51 pm
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sewunique
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Lost,

Each time I read your thread and hear what you are going thru, it angers me. It angers me that he is so self centered and thainking that his 'plan' is something for you to even consider! This is a dangerous situation of control that he is suggesting! Here is what you wrote:

"His "plan" is to get a divorce from me giving me everything including full custody of our kids. But here is the kicker, He wants to keep it a secret and go on living together as we have.(I know that sounds rediculous!) So I am needless to say extreamly distraught about this whole ordeal as I have stood by him through it ALL. Including a website he created pledging his undying love to someone else.(someone he can't ever have a relationship with because she is a family member of mine..."

And he WANTS TO HAVE FULL CUSTODT OD THE KIDS and keep this ALL A SECRET?

Have you looked up the laws in your State regarding what he proposes? Easy for him to say things like it would be financially beneficial, or whatever he uses to say. My god, I am angry, because you see, how these triggers as his controlling behavior can affect others, when we have been there and see what you are going thru?

I just want you to be safe and to get some information, so get stronger so you can resist any of his tactics!!!

Yes, eating his cake and having it too is an excellant way to put it! Please let us know how you are doing thru all of this?

Sew

February 16, 2005
3:55 pm
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sewunique
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Did you see my post on the prayer thread up in Libs? I think I might copy it back here into your thread, if you'd like?

February 16, 2005
4:10 pm
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sewunique
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Excuse me, it was in the diet thread. I copy and pasted my portion to bring it back here. I feel I do not have any right (or should) mess with any one else's posts, so here is mine. I think it is important, so here it is. What I wrote is this:

"Sounds like risky business to me, lost. A marriage is a contract, which is hard to break, or pretty messy.(or what a divorce can be) How do you divide things up while still living together? If you separate after the 'living together', you have lost all entiltlements that a marriage provides. Quite a self-serving, manipulative tactic, this idea of his."

Have you called about counseling to give you some help and support in sorting this out for you?

Sew

February 16, 2005
4:23 pm
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sewunique
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Lost,

When you wrote about getting divorced,keeping it secrete, and to remain living together, someone asked "what does that mean?" I wrote back of what 'being only on paper' meant, by saying:

"to get legally separated or divorced (paper) but remain together

some people say they are 'married' but don't need the 'paper' (making it legal) to prove it, or to prove their love for each other,

this would be a common law type of marriage "

Also, have you thought about him wanted to 'keep this secret from the family members?" What a burden you would be carrying, and not be able to share this problem WITH YOUR OWN FAMILY? Social Isolation. That is another tactic he is trying to put upon you!

I do know of a girl who for 10 years lived as common law husband and wife. Everyone thought they were married. Not. But 10 years later, when he thinks he wants a girlfriend AND his wife (common law), she bulked and said "no way" to him. Sorry, she ened up loosing everything, the house, everything. She had no rights.

Please be cautious as he sounds very crafty and manipulative and controlling. Stand strong. Get some help; now.

Sew

February 16, 2005
5:44 pm
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lostinthismess
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I really don't have any family except a sister (who is aparently in love with my hubby) so she is of no use to me and a father who is more concerned with keeping my sister away from him to give a hoot about me. My mother and her family are by life's biggest enemies (and she is schitzophrenic officially) So yes I am left with no one but HIS family. They are supportive now but I can't help think "Blood is thicker than water" I am so scared Does anyone have a suggestion as to what I might say to him as a "replacement" plan? Clearly my love means nothing to him and he is controlling me. He has me by the "balls" so to say

February 16, 2005
6:07 pm
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sewunique
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Lost,

There is much to say and again, much we cannot say here. We are posting here just as you are and not counselors, tho many have good ideas and experience in many areas. I would suggest very strongly that you seek into getting a counselor for support and any legal information available. Don't get me wrong, we encourage you to come here for support, venting and sharing.

But I feel, and this is just my two cents worth, that counseling would give you some good concrete answoers. You have a lot on your shoulders and living with someone who is controlling is very difficult, indeed. It takes time and practice, setting boundaries and more. To get started, the counselor can be a strong advocate for you and your children.

And this site is great to be here as well and you can share with us how it's going and get more feedback for you!

Sew

February 16, 2005
6:23 pm
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dawl
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Ghosh, I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are a very brave woman and must house a lot of love in your heart to put up with so much. I'm no expert and I'm still trying to get over my first break up, but I can't see how this situation makes you and your children happy. It's really hard to let go of someone who has grown with you through the years and who makes up most of our cherished memories, but you have so much life to live and so much love to offer that can be directed towards you for true fulfullment. My older sister always tells to "do you." She emphasizes that I need to take care of myself and let the other person be. We simply can't change other people (why is that SO hard to accept for me?) and that is the simple truth. You are a great wife to be able to deal with so much, but I believe you and your children deserve so much better. You'll never believe that until it comes true and it won't come true until you fully let go and learn to love again. You have my support in whatever you decide as long as it is truly what you believe is right in your heart. My prayers are with you.

February 16, 2005
6:28 pm
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sewunique
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"... am so scared Does anyone have a suggestion as to what I might say to him as a "replacement" plan? "

Yes, tell him you realize you both are having problems. Fact. Tell him that you need time to think things thru. Fact. Tell him you need to sort all this out and need support in dealing with this. Fact.

Call the women's crisis line in your city for referrals and help NOW. Action.

Look at the Home Page of this site, where you type in your nickname. To the right is where you can get referrrals.

Get help now, please. You are asking for support, please get it.

Sew

February 16, 2005
6:38 pm
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woundedspirit
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Lost, made the mistake of letting my ex still live with me for several months one of the times he broke up with me. He had his own room he hung out in to chat on his computer but otherwise, still mostly slept with me. NOt much changed except that he felt he also had the freedom to do what he wanted. It was horrible!! HURT SO BAD!! I felt used. But I let myself be used. Because I though we would be able to work things out. Sometimes it felt like we did. But not usually. We got back together technically for awhile and then he moved out saying he still wanted to be together but needed to be forced to support himself finally, which could have been great, but broke up a few weeks later. That was 8 months ago and we still try off and on but those days living togehter were sooooo hard! What a selfish request! I dont think you are crazy because I understand the thoughts and emotions behind your wanting to give it a try. I think. These guys know we are giving and take full advantage. If he just want a "separation" but to keep living there...well, there may be hope. But a divorce??? Forget it! That is so final! Dont put yourself through that hell. Nor your kids. How confusing.

February 17, 2005
1:30 am
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Murphy123
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Hi there-
ok, I've been reading through posts for a while- posted a long time ago under "Murphy" but now it's with a 123. ANYWAY- I just couldn't help myself from responding to this.

You are obviously in a very bad position here. And he's the one who is putting you in it. He knows you do not have the family support. He knows you doubt yourself. He knows you think he's smart- and he must think he's very clever. The danger here is on many different levels. Many. First is the example set to the children, daughters or sons or both would see that a man (husband/father) has control and the woman (wife/mother)is submissive. You need to take that control back. I hear from what you're saying that you don't think you can do that. You CAN and you MUST. I went through a horrible shocking situation with a man I was married to for 12+ years. I would not have thought I could have weathered such a thing, but I did. Was it hard? Hell yes. But it had to be done. And I can honestly say that it was the right decision- and that the pain endured has made me a stronger person.

Please seek counseling. You have a strength that you don't fully understand yet. But you will- and in the end your children will see it, too.

February 17, 2005
3:35 pm
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lostinthismess
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Thank You all so much for your support. I am going to call a womans help line. I feel like I would be disapointing everyone I know if I had to go on welfare and as a result of my situation I fear that will be my only cchoice.....I had a dream last nite about him that was so awful I woke up screaming.....anyway I was kind of mean and ignored him last nite and he got really upset and started being really nice. Guess he doesn't like to get what he gives!

February 17, 2005
4:11 pm
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sewunique
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I am glad you are taking some action and at least getting information!

Keep listening to your dreams; they tell us what fears and problems we have. You can learn a lot about yourself from you subconcious (dreams).

Interesting....you can stay quiet and non reactive and suddenly they can be soooo nice. Atemporary state of being in.

February 17, 2005
5:16 pm
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lostinthismess
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He has been sick witha cold and when I offered no comfort to him about it he really changed his attitude. He made a comment about "boy you really seem to be takeing to this divocr idea...tho which I replied..."you wanted it not me. It was your idea" Then he got all snuggly with me and I was like back off you do realize what you've said to me don't you? He keeps saying well it's just on paper it's not like I am leaving you or anything but if you don't want me here I will. So I just told him to go to sleep.... Is it just me or does it sound like mind games??

February 17, 2005
5:21 pm
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sdesigns
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Of course its mind games. He's got more than screw lose if he thinks that arrangement would be acceptable to anyone (except him, of course). If its on paper, its real. He is living in a fantasy world if he thinks that doesn't have relevance. Protect yourself as mentioned in above posts. Watch your back as he doesn't have good intentions. SD

February 17, 2005
5:51 pm
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woundedspirit
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Why on paper? New warning bells are going off. Is there something he can do besides messing around with other women that being married is keeping him from? Some kind of pending inheritance that he's anticipating and may be hiding and not wanting to share? Maybe that is far fetched but several times throughout this thread, Ive wondered...

February 18, 2005
11:55 am
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lostinthismess
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I am wondering too....there is a lot I am wondering about. Why is he putting the presure on me to loose weight and get my body back in shape if he is gonna leave anyway? Is this some kind of way for him to relieve himself of guilt? Or is all of this just a threat to get me back the way he wants me and then turn around and not really do it? Maybe I should cut him off at the pass....maybe I need to stop caring turn off my feelings and walk away.....maybe I need to be cold and uncaring......Maybe, But what if he did kill himself? Could I live with that? I'm just not sure....

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