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Toffee and more stickiness for you
December 15, 2001
4:58 pm
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toffee
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You know me as Toffee and how stuck ive been. WEll you know the poor relationship i have had with my husband and you all told me to basically "kick him to the curb"
I have wondered why im so angry all the time and i have determined that i am depressed, why? because i feel that i am in a bad relationship that does not meet or even come near fulfilling my needs but i feel guilty about looking else where.
I signed a legal seperation with him and i am basically free to date, but im afraid he will drag me through the courts and i think i should make a stronger go at my marraige but everything about him basically irritates me. I have made a few male friends and they have been so kind and positive towards me ( friends only ) they say i deserve to be happy, i am beautiful, talented, compassionate, funny, adventurous, passionate etc and i feel so whooooed. One of them is extremely handsome and single but i only want to remain his friend and not get into any relationships (sexual) for a while. Well, tahts not entirely true, i am so filled with sexual desire that i am continually having fantasies of making love or being made love to its driving me insane. I feel like "cheating" but technically it wouldnt be but to me it would because we are still married and trying to keep it together for our childrne. HE says he loves me and wants me but he doesnt sleep with me
(says bed is too hard and baby gets int eh way) and it interrupts his sleep patterns, we dont have sex cause he hates to use a condom and sdoesnt want to get me pregnant again so he is scheduled for a vasectomy (waiting without sex for a year for him to finally get his vasectomy) I am feeling so sexually repressed! I feel so happy when i am with male friends who i have fun with and tell me how wonderful a woman i am and then i come home to my husband hwo barely kisses me, doesnt have sex with me and wonders why i dont talk to him any more.
I am wondering if the need to be told im all these wonderful thigns is a lack of self esteem or whether its just loneliness and pain within my marriage or a combination of things. I feel like i want to be with another man, but i want my marriage to work ..so hard for me, i feel so torn.
Is my soul talking to me and telling me to get out of this marriage or am i being weak and considering an affair or am i seeking outside love for what i lack inside or am i not thinking enough of myself and putting others needs before my own. What should i do, what is going on with me?

December 16, 2001
8:31 pm
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artist 2
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Hmm. Did you know some people CHOOSE to be celebate? They do it to become clear in their heads. They become clear because they're not depending on someone else to make them feel good. I'm not knocking your feelings, just that you might give that some thought. Think about whether you even need a man to make you feel good. It's nice every now and then, but not healthy to depend on it. Know what I mean?

December 17, 2001
10:44 am
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toffee
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I dont choose to be celibate. I dont think i NEED a man.

December 17, 2001
11:00 am
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gypsygirl
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Good for you, I don't NEED them either I just like them!

December 17, 2001
12:33 pm
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Molly
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Sometimes, its not just the act that we long for but the closeness. The intamacy. Have you two gone to counseling? You might do that before you hook up with some one else right now . It could be that the marriage isn't right, but then again, what marriage is? It does take alot of work, alot of comprimise, but most of all communication, got to figure out those rough edges, but a whole year with out affection is not a good sign.

December 17, 2001
12:59 pm
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artist 2
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Toffee, you sound a bit angry, and I think you misunderstood the tone of my note to you. It was meant to be helpful, sorry if it came off sounding harsh.

Your friend, Artist 2

December 17, 2001
2:21 pm
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toffee
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I am angry but not at you ARtist, i like men and i can live fine without one, but my husband has been with me for almost ten years and we have worked through some really hard stuff, he is also the father of my children and they want him in their lives..IT is the hardest thing in the world for me to decide. I called the cops last night cause he was being verbally abusive adn financially threateninga nd i just felt desperate.
They asked him to leave ( cause i wanted him to) and i just got off the phone talking to him and he will be coming back. Its the first time i have called the cops and i feel like "what did i do that for?" "he wasnt hitting me" Im so damn sick of it all, and the worst thing is we made love the night before and it was the best sex we have had in months..
Talk about CONFUSED.
Im getting us counselling adn if that doesnt work, then im calling it quits.

December 17, 2001
2:58 pm
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artist 2
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This must be really hard to deal with! I hope it works out for you.

December 17, 2001
3:28 pm
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Molly
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I called the cops once, it taught me a good lesson, and him one too. Although he was loosing it, I learned real quick that what ever I say can and will be used against me, to really controll my actions, and to walk away from a bad situation. Go figure, most people do fall into that trap, all the drama, and then the big o. Hmmmmmmmm maybe that is what I need is some big drama, hope it was good enough for all of us. If the counseling doesn't come to resolve, then I say call it quits, and keep him for sex, works for some people, ugh ugh, no prisioners right?

December 17, 2001
8:29 pm
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toffee
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lol keep him for sex...ha!
Listen the sex came after a couple weeeks of fairly decent behavior and soem closeness.

He also saw i wasnt as interested and i was getting attention elsewhere, he said "it turned him on"

hey well two can play at that game.
Yea i am a frikcin drama queen.

Im gonna quit being oen of those.

If it doesnt work in counselling i am calling it quits.:)
SEX is GOOD

December 21, 2001
4:33 pm
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toffee
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ITs not the SEX, its the intimacy that i yearn, the intimacy i have never really had with any one and my soul craves it now so much. Its my spirit calling to be loved and to love. Im doing Xmas with my "husband" for the sake of my children bit i am so disgusted and hurt inside that i could just vomit.

December 21, 2001
5:42 pm
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mari
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Just a thought toffee, do you think he could be seeing someone else? I've never been married, but I have a very good friend whose husband started sleeping on the couch cause he "just fell asleep watching TV". He also stopped being affectionate or intimate with her. She found out he was having an affair. I'm really not trying to alarm you, but your situation just sounds a lot like hers. I'm certainly no expert on giving marital advice, since I've never been married, but have you noticed any other wierd behavior? The lack of affection just strikes me as odd here. Has he always been this way, or is it something that's just developed in the last few years?

December 22, 2001
9:04 am
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Dee Dee
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I hear everything you are saying toffie cause I am in a similar situation...no sex...no attencion...no feeling loved by the one person who should be loving you. His friends are always willing to tell me how good looking I am and how wonderful I am ...yadda yadda yadda...and I am always thinking about having an affair...just to be close to someone...not really for the sex...although it would be nice too. 🙂 I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone!

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