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today I just despise him
July 9, 2007
3:18 pm
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marypoppins
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Hi. Hope whoever reads this is doing well.

I passed the week mark of no contact with a longtime boyfriend/friend just yesterday. It was a very long week, and my feelings have been all over the place. However, today I have been seething with anger and resentment at both him and at myself.

If I ever hear from him again, I'd like to hear an apology and some honest acknowledgement of his part in our codependent relationship. But that probably will never happen.

No one forced me to stay with him, so I'm mostly angry with myself.

How do I forgive myself?

I'm also ashamed of some of the things I did.

Specifically, I'm angry for having bent over backwards to try and "win" him. He wrote me that he was still my friend and that he still loved me. I don't want to give him anything more. In some ways, it's a great relief to end the 16-year "friendship".

I can't take back the past, but I can remind myself each day that I deserve better. At the very LEAST, he was careless with my feelings.

I actually dreamt that I'd contacted him and was relieved to wake up and find out I hadn't.

I'm not sure what all of the steps in the grieving process are, but I know anger is one of them.

Thanks for reading.

Poppins

July 9, 2007
3:26 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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anger IS one of them...it's almost necessary.

staying STUCK in it is NOT.

you already seem to understand that tho you made mistakes, you can't change what you did.

SOOOOOO, the best way to "make it up to yourself", is to live well going forward...learn from this mistake. Note what you did wrong, so you can do differently going forward.

The best way to move forward is understand that it is a learning process, you learned a valuable lesson and you can move forward knowing you can do better next time.

July 9, 2007
3:36 pm
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taj64
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Breaking up is like mourning a death of a love ones. Same process. There is going to be a certain amount of anger. ANgre at your ex, and anger at yourself. It takes awhile to get over the anger. I think it took me longer to get over anger more than the hurt. If I got angry at him then I would remember the hurt too. It was a painful process. I still have lingering issues from time to time. BUt they are far and few between now. You can cross over the stages too. And one day might be worse than another. It is a fluctuation of course. Beating yourself down as you know is not helping as you relive these memories. They feel like they will never go away, but they do fade. The good memories will too fade. All this will pass but takes a lot of time. You made it through one week. ANd there will be many more weeks you will make it. Make the commitment here to yourself to keep going, and getting stronger. Be prepared it will be hard work but it is well worth it. Expect the full range of emotions, sometimes all at once. It is crazy as crazy as the relationship was. Keep moving forward and not backward. to move backward will slow your progress and cause you more pain. Who needs more pain, not me! Forget shame, shame is like guilt, is a useless emotion you cannot do anything with it. You're human, and humans make mistakes. it is part of life. You learn from it though. take the positive out of it, turn a negative into a positive. If you feel a moment of shame, then just not let it eat you up and turn that moment quickly. It is only a moment. I hope it works for you. It does for me.

July 9, 2007
4:03 pm
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marypoppins
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Thanks to both of you for your good advice.

July 10, 2007
3:35 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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marypoppins,
I too, am in your shoes after a three year relationship. Last week I cried and cried and posted here although no one ever responded. Saturday I was really hurt and despondent, especially after he called and left a nast voicemail on my cell phone. So I took his words and turned them on him. I went to sleep every night saying F*** you. Go to hell you F****** bastard. Everytime I woke up I started repeating it. I also said over and over that I hate you and your bitchy mother too. I did this Thursday night through Saturday night and while I realize it might not have been the healthiest way to cope it was what I did. I loved him so much. I would have done anything for him. I figured if I could convince myself that I did hate him even though I still loved him maybe I could get over it. Sunday I was fooling around and thought I would check out match.com. I found his profile, where he wanted a professional woman who could take care of herself and wasn't looking for a father or sugar daddy. Anyway as I read it I had such a sense of freedom. He wrote his profile as a dig at me. I am professional and I can take care of myself. So now all my hurt that made me cry for a week has turned to humor laughing at his dating service profile. I can just imagine what kind of quality woman is going to line up to date him. Especially when he flat out says he isn't going to do anything for you.

Bitsy

July 10, 2007
5:03 pm
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marypoppins
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Hi Bitsy,

How are you doing today? Thanks for posting. I'm sorry you didn't get a response to your earlier post. I've been reading many of the recent posts, but I must have missed yours.

There are a lot of tears, aren't there? I've cried so many times over my guy. Every time I'd tell myself that was the last time, but then I hung on for more.

I can also relate to your mantra. I held back saying certain things towards the end because I didn't want him to be angry with me. He told me about a woman he was only friends with, and when I asked her name, he told me it wasn't important. He was very secretive about her, and he was always so careful to not commit to anything so he had an out. In the past, he'd lied to me. But since he's now in recovery, I was supposed to trust him. When he finally did tell me the woman's name, I Googled her and found out they were more than friends. I wasn't trying to hide the fact that I'd Googled her, so I told him. Then he told me he was done with me and to stay out of his life forever because he couldn't be with someone who checked up on him. Apparently, he just didn't have the guts to tell me that he wanted to be with her. Instead, he tried to avoid taking responsibility by telling me I'd screwed it up. That's what really upsets me. He was supposed to be my friend. He kept encouraging me to go back to my therapist and figure out how to be happy, but the way I see it, he was messing with my head. I was so afraid of losing him completely that I pleaded for forgiveness for my Internet search. Although he claims to still be my friend and to still love me, I've had enough.

Anyway, it's very hard, isn't it? I hope you're feeling stronger. I don't think it hurts to knock them down from the pedestals we put them on. But we don't need to worry about them anymore. Let the new women deal with them.

Moving on...

Poppins

July 10, 2007
7:24 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Thanks poppins. O dod ;ove this man. We had so much in common and there were so many things that were wonderful. He was the best dancer. We cooked together, we were best friends. Things were getting rocky but w.e were trying. Then his mother got involved and talked to me worse than anyone ever had. I might could forgive him but I can never forgive her and their lives are so intertwined that it wouldn't be possible to go back. I mourn the life we had together. I mourn the things we were planning to do. But when he told me I was a user and all I did was take advantage and use him and his mother and that he felt like I was a dependent...well it really hurt. I have not seen him since last Tuesday and have not spoken with him. He apparantly moved on with his life rather quickly and here I was crying over him. What's wrong with that picture. A friend of ours told me the other day that living the good life was the best revenge. I am taking a jump start your career class in real estate this week. Even though the market sucks I am determined to focus on my career and make enough money myself to do all the things he and I planned to do. I am going to focus on my child and my job. My only fear is that knowing my personality I might decide to curl up with a book and a good class of red wine and never leave the house and have a social life.

Bitsy

July 10, 2007
8:15 pm
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marypoppins
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Bitsy,
Dancing, cooking, making plans for the future - I'd have a hard time letting go of those things, too.

Men and their mother issues. Was she afraid of losing him? Is SHE his dependent? Seems to me that she didn't have much respect for your boundaries as a couple. And your ex may need to learn how to stand up to her. If he doesn't work that out, he may continue to have problems in his romantic relationships.

As for the reasons he gave you for breaking it off, who knows? There could be something else there. He may not even understand what he's feeling. And the dating service? It might just be a way for him to avoid dealing with grieving.

Hang in there. You have plenty to focus on with your child and your career. And how can you go wrong with a good book and a nice glass of red wine?

Poppins

July 10, 2007
8:33 pm
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Thanks. I know. I just have a hard time in that I am a glass is half empty kind of person. I went to a small Christian school and did not date a lot. I have this fear of never being able to attract anyone again. But so far I have attracted three quite good looking and successfull men. In college I dated a midshipman at the Naval Academy who I have recently been in touch with. He actually made me feel better today, because he is recently divorced and they have not been able to sell their house. He is renting a 400 sq ft basement. I am currently in a 900 sq ft house. I sent him an email back telling him that if an electrical engineer from the Naval Academy was living in 400 sq ft and I had 500 sq ft on him I was doing OK:)
A friend of R's who came to town recently saw my ex-husband and said "Girl, he is drop dead gorgeous, can you fix me up with him?
Then R was a mechanical engineer with an MBA and owned his own business. So if I am logical I know I can attract a good looking successful man. I just have this insecurity inside of me.
It's funny. When I was with R the very minimum was that I had to have sex 2 times a weeks and more if we could squeeze it in. I am 10 days without it and haven't missed it. Of course I had such a good sexual relationship with R that I can't imagine anyone else ever taking his place and me being as free and uninhibited as I was. But, que se ra se ra. Or however it is spelled. What will be will be. I don't know if it is allowed or not on this site and if it isn't then I apologize in advance, but if you want a real laugh go to match.com and check out orangebeach1234. Really? Can you imagine too many women responding to him? I think that is what helped me the most is that he is so clueless.

Bitsy

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