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to think i was doing ok
October 25, 2006
2:36 am
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blyxx
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i was doing great. i just moved out of my parents house (i'm 19) and found a beautiful girl..

I was doing very very well, not depressed at all.. Every now and then I'd have a thought cross my mind about it, but I'd always end up feeling really good about myself.

SO then tonight she breaks up with me.

Her feeligns changed, she couldn't have the type of relationship she wanted with me...

I saw so much in her eyes, I saw her and I being old in those eyes.. I looked at her once, and I thought she was my wife and that we had both aged 10 years and we were just smiling at eachother....

No one should ever have dreams, they only bring you crashing back down to reality once the realization of their complete and utter meaninglessness.

I think i'm gonna puke.

October 25, 2006
2:48 am
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free
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It's gonna be okay blyxx.

It's gonna be okay.

That dream-crash thing- the crash really sucks, but the dream makes it worth it.

In time.

free

October 25, 2006
3:10 am
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blyxx
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I wrote something beautiful as I'm thinking of stepping off my balcony and "trying" to jump into the pool to drown myself.

"I love you. I tried to reach for the brightest star the world has ever seen, but when I reached heaven and held your hand I couldn't hold on tight enough and crashed back down to earth, sadly I missed the pool and hit the concrete."

I thought it was clever...

It's either drive and put in an effort that I dont't think will do anything, or let this sick God of the universe destroy my soul... I used to be mostly atheist, but now I'm really believing there is a God, because I find it absolutely amazing that a person like me can make such a miserable existence on their own.. Of all the ways to enlighten me, it's through the destruction of my soul that he gets his point across. Well I've got a message for God... I give up.

October 25, 2006
3:28 am
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ravengirl
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blyxx,

it hurts me to read what you wrote. you are young and have many years ahead of you to build a good life for yourself. we are all special in our own ways and it takes a special person to recognize that. there will be many more pretty girls to pass through your life. keep your eyes peeled open for the one who will see you for who you are and will love you for it. in the meantime, let all the other chicks eat their hearts out knowing they can't have you because they're not THE ONE for you.

put your arms aroung you and give yourself a great big hug. take a deep breath and let it out slowly. as you exhale, let out the sour air from your unhappiness. take a momentary break from this world and dream of what you want it to be. tomorrow, you start fresh.

October 25, 2006
3:56 am
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blyxx
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or am i gonna die by watching all the others walk by me?

i'm really thinking of that.

October 25, 2006
4:18 am
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blyxx
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why am i always like this???

October 25, 2006
4:22 am
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ravengirl
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someone once told me that the more "no" answers you get the better, because you're that much closer to the "yes" answer.

let me put it this way, the more women pass you by, the more likely you are to find that ONE. In any case, you want to make sure you're ready when she stands in front of you so you don't miss her.

another thing is that you'll miss her if you're looking too hard for her. it's like looking at the world through binoculars. you can only see a small piece of the world, through the lenses when there is so much more around you that you can't see because you're covering your peripheral vision.

and one more... how many people do you pass by a day? what if they're not the ones passing by you? what if it's you who's passing by them?

October 25, 2006
4:34 am
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blyxx
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they're all happy it seems... and have their relationships, and their lives, husbands, boyfriends, fiances...

i was that way, until tonight... and i could've sworn her and i were doing wonderful.. i thought everything was perfect, and it seemed like she thought so too... what happened when i went to lay down and her phone call is unknown... someone talked to her. maybe her mom. convinced her to not have a boyfriend.. fuck her mom. she's so controlling, and worried about her daughter doing bad things with a boyfriend and being distracted and falling behind... what her mom doesn't know is i was making sure she wasn't falling behind, we had only kissed the entire time we were going out.. That's way good for people our age. WAAY good.

now she said she wanted to break up because her feelings changed, and that she couldn't have the type of relationship she wanted because we couldn't ever go out and do the things we wanted to do.... that was changing....

i'm just devestated to think i was starting to believe in love and feelings again after two years of denying their existence.. now i'm denying love, feelings, dreams, reality.

October 25, 2006
10:13 am
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StronginHim77
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Relationships are tough to work out when we are young because we are still changing and growing inside. Our values are still being "fine-tuned." So, I see alot of wonderful couples in your age group breaking up...not because either one "failed" or did something wrong, but simply because one (or both) of them was continuing the normal process of growth and change. And we can find ourselves needing to move beyond a relationship in which we used to be completely happy. That is probably what happened here. And it is very, very painful. My older son, (who is now nearly 22), had this happen to him twice in a row when he was 18 and then again at 19. As a result, he completely stopped dating two years ago. He says he is not going to date until he is older, ready to settle down and can find a woman who knows what she wants and is established in life.

Makes sense. I understand where he is coming from. I can tell you from experience (I am OLDE, my young friend) that being dumped hurts terribly. We torture ourselves with questions: What did I do wrong? Why did he/she leave me? Is there someone else? What could I have done differently, to prevent this?

The pain does ease. It takes time, but you will feel better after the first couple of "raw" weeks have passed. Try to be with good friends, as much as you can. Share what you are going through with people who care and will listen. I am glad you posted here. We will stand by you. Most of us have had similar experiences and know how badly you are hurting right now.

- Ma Strong

October 25, 2006
11:44 am
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smarterone
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So sorry for your pain but your only option is to try to get over it. You are only human and it will not be overnight. Be happy that it happend before marriage or a child. Try to keep yourself busy and always talk to us. Goood luck.

October 25, 2006
9:15 pm
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blyxx
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As for being with friends... I just moved from an isolated town, down to Irvine.. it's not far from Los Angeles.

Lots of people. No friends here. It just sucks.

I thought everything was going the right way.. The way she talks to me now, she acts as if this is just another day. All the smiles, and giggles, and all around wonderfulness is still there. Why is she comfortable about us breaking up, and I'm devestated? I knew I was attached to her, but anyone, including her, would've told you that we were extremely close, and very connected. How did something like that change?

Is she testing me for something? Is she trying to make me buy her a "really sweet card and a big cookie" since she mentioned that as a really good idea to give your girlfriend when they want to break up.

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