Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
To Themis From Zinnie
February 8, 2004
4:02 am
Avatar
Zinnie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Themis,

I just read on the "Deep Thoughts" thread that you feel you are being ignored, and you do not want to redo your story there. I understand that...

What's going on? Forgive me if I'm short on time right now, I'm on a "mini-vacation" but I will be home on Monday afternoon. Tell me what's up, and I hope I can help.

Hoping this finds you feeling better.

Love,

Zinnie

February 8, 2004
9:25 am
Avatar
themis
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Zinnie. It wasn't that I didn't want to retell the story it was just I didn't want to be redundant. Well, and maybe a little bit of not wanting to stay in the problem and really wanting to move to the solution.

I guess I'm not 'up' on how threads work. I have made many additions and then the thread seems to just disappear or it gets reissued by someone else and my contributions seem to get lost. For where I am today............it just feels yucky.

That having been said........where am I today........I'm very sad and very alone. I feel trapped in that place of being unable to move forward and unable to stay where I am.

I have 9 years sobriety but am hitting the wall of Co-dependency. Had been dating a wonderful man for 8 months. Things were wonderful all through Christmas but on New Years Eve Day he said he needed time. I felt very hurt and cancelled our plans for New Years Eve. At this point he was just wanting time.....(supposedly) my reaction escallated the situation. There were many conversations including one where he said he loved me but didn't think he was in love with me and that as a result of our being together he had let alot of things slide and was now feeling overwhelmed. That we were at different points in our lives (very true) and he needed to take care of his life. He told me that he was now on the inside track of life. He knew and saw things differently. As a result he was a better Father, a better biz partner, had more understanding of women, all because of me. I was helping him taking care of some car problems he was having but felt the whole time that I was selling myself out. He would call and talk to me about problems in his life, looking for my input. I finally said that I couldn't do it. That I would come back to being his friend but that I needed to go 'poof' for awhile. I couldn't just go from being your lover to your friend.

I was good for 2 weeks and then I started to feel overwhelming withdraw. I realized our differences and agreed with his wisdom, and yet I missed him. I missed waking up to him. I missed cooking with him and last week I finally called. Funny, I can barely remember the conversation. Likely because I realize that this has little to do with him........THIS IS MY S***!

That brings us to this weekend.....I find myself calling him Friday. I've pretty much convinced myself of all the good reasons why this should end and yet I just miss being held. I miss feeling safe and even recognizing that this is NOT a safe place for me to be.........I call again. We have a wonderful conversation........always did........all about him of course. And yet that is enough for me ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I hear myself offering sex. Fortunately he has the good grace to say that he thinks it would mess us both up emotionally. I HATE that I would do that. And that takes me to yesterday when after sitting through a 3 hour memorial service I am emotionally drained and very close to where he lives so I go over. His car is there but he is not. It took everything I had to not use the key I have. Then my mind engaged in all the imaginings of a CRAZY PERSON. The voice that says....."ahhhh see he was just playing you, he has found someone else and just hasn't told you the truth etc........YUCK, that my mind would/could go there disgusts me. Remembering of course ......if he does or doesn't has little bearing on what I should be focusing on for me.

I have booked a trip to Australia for April. Wanting to turn the focus back to me. I think my first thread was "taking care of myself" I realize that is the beginning of healing of this awful way of being..........CODEPENDENCY .......I HATE IT

February 8, 2004
3:52 pm
Avatar
boland
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((((hugs themis ))))))) hope you feeling better and happyer soon,

February 8, 2004
9:41 pm
Avatar
themis
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thank you boland, its appreciate 🙂

February 8, 2004
10:40 pm
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Themis. It's rough going through this. I'm glad that you booked a trip for yourself. Getting away will be so healing for you.

For now, please try to stay away from him. It hurts, it is hard, but you need some time to heal. Do you have friends you can spend some time with?

February 9, 2004
12:27 am
Avatar
Squeezles
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Which part of Australia are you planning on visiting (if you feel comfortable sharing)?

February 9, 2004
3:18 am
Avatar
themis
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks guys, its pretty great, the friends have just been showing up. They seem to have a sense that there is "trouble in River City" It is definetly helping. I'm having to break through some of the 'family of origin' stuff. The biggest being, "keep the image" so letting people see me broken is difficult.
Thanks Ginger, I knew enough to stay away and then I weakened and it really cost me. Its just like picking up a drink!
Australia will be three weeks arriving in Sydney and ending in Townsville with Melbourne and Brisbane in between. They have an AA conference so I figured that could be the preciipitace.
Its nice to know there are folks out there, Thank you

February 9, 2004
8:06 pm
Avatar
Zinnie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

HI Themis,

Will write more later... was posting away, and just had a pain attack.

Going to lay down for a bit... but please know you are not being ignored, and you are cared about.

Z.

February 9, 2004
8:48 pm
Avatar
Wanttobewell
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Themis,,,,WOW,,,going to Australia. I would LOVE to go!!! I'm sorry you're feeling lonely. I know how that is. W.

February 9, 2004
9:01 pm
Avatar
themis
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The saga continues.........he just left. He and his sister are friends of my roomate (that is how I got her) and they came to get some stuff from her. He called first and I wanted to be gone but I had some B&B guests check in. I felt trapped......I wanted to see him and I didn't want to see him. I guess the good news is that I have found some of the anger. I'm made at myself for selling myself out and playing nice. Everyone was pretending there wasn't an elephant in the room and I played along. I hate it when I sell myself out! On the other side though I didn't because some sniffling puddle either. I guess that's the good news.
Thank you everyone for the concern.
He looked like a small man to me today. I hope thats the beginning.
I'm sorry you're not feeling well Zinnie, are you sick?
Wanttobewell, the trip is about all the times I've said "I'll do this until" I just don't want to wait for the Prince to live.

February 9, 2004
10:29 pm
Avatar
Zinnie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Themis,

First of all, congrats on your sobriety.

To me it sounds like he was just asking for a little time, is there a reason you took it otherwise?

Also, just because he was not home, and his truck was there does not mean he hooked up with someone else. He might have been out with friends, he might have been asleep, or just out for a walk.

I will admist I'm confused, he asked for time, but then did you guys completely break it off?

Also, in pain yes - I had uterine cancer, and many surgeries later I still have a lot of pelvic pain.

It sounds like you are not happy about being nice to him when you just saw him. Is there a reason you were wanting a big scene?

Zinnie

February 9, 2004
11:50 pm
Avatar
themis
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Not that I'm wanting a scene......but I don't like playing nice......acting unaffected when that could be anything but the truth. It feels dishonest and doesn't honour me or my feelings. It just feels like a game. And yet to do otherwise is leaving me wide open and that doesn't feel good either.
He was asking for time. The problem was he didn't discuss it, I heard nothing except wonderful things and I felt broadsided. Conversations of disatisfaction. Attempts to make things better gives a 'heads up' and none of that happened and that he chose to do it New Years Eve just sucked.
Tongight he just didn't look like man I 'conjured up'
Re the the 'not being home' that is my point, just how our minds can mess with us!
I'm sorry you are in pain. Do they feel the prognosis is good? I hope so!
Thanks again
Themis

February 10, 2004
1:59 am
Avatar
Zinnie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

HI Themis,

I know you have just joined the boards... but you will find that I am a big fan of "no drama" - Mary J. stole my song! I could have sung that you know, but then no one would have ever heard it as they all would have running screeching looking for ear plugs! So, I will let her continue to sing it!

All kidding aside.

It's funny when we start to "fall out of love" isn't it? All of the sudden they don't look so handsome, they are not so witty, they have funny hair or they walk funny.

It sounds as if you were in a public place today so what were you wanting him to do? Run in and announce I WAS WRONG? You both did what needed to be done in public.

His timing was cruddy, I'll give you that. Why he hasn't called? I don't know. I can see why you are upset though, there are still some things left undone and unsaid. Are you only taking a break? Was this it? What?

Perhaps you need to make a "date" and discuss this with him. But, don't belittle yourself offering sex as a way to be close to him or know what he is doing. Unless it is something you want. Make sense?

Love,

Zinnie

February 10, 2004
6:09 am
Avatar
themis
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

good thought, thanks Zinnie

February 10, 2004
11:58 am
Avatar
Zinnie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

No prob Themis. Are you O.K.?

Z.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
29
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110978
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714262
Newest Members:
brianwolfe, swright, nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information