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to tell spouse I am co-dependent
November 10, 2009
11:18 am
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menotbb
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I am at a breaking point. I need to confess to my wife that my co-dependent behavior has me in crisis mode. I am dreading it. I want a divorce. Basically, I think where I am hung up is that I don't want to deal with the consequences of being honest. Anybody that's been through this that is willing to share would be great. I feel like I am spinning out of control.

November 10, 2009
11:27 am
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caraway
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Are you in CODA or working with anyone? Do you have support to help you through this?

Cary

November 10, 2009
11:40 am
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menotbb
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I am not in a group yet. I do have some support from healthy people. My wife and I have never discussed this and we have been together for 8 years. She knows that I am not happy. I am not at peace with the truth and getting this out in the open is something I would like to put off for a lifetime. I am falling into self-destructive behavior tyring to give myself an excuse with her. I expect she will not like a change in the relationship where I bring this out in the open. She's a great person. I'm done in the marriage but am dreading all of the stuff this craziness brings on like, how she will react and what it will be like to deal with trying to breakout. Thinking ahead and not taking it in small steps.

November 10, 2009
1:04 pm
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caraway
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If there is anykind of 12 step group in your area it would be helpful; if not CODA, then ALANON.

Maybe you should focus on your reason for leaving and not even discuss the codependency. It sounds as if you are reluctant to admit that you are dealing with this? How did you come the realization?

If you are comfortable discussing it, why is your marriage ending?

Cary

November 10, 2009
1:19 pm
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menotbb
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I am reluctant but have considered disclosing the co-dependency because much of my behavior had led to the breakdown. That may help her understand. As far as the marriage goes, I am weak in the relationship. I don't expect her to change. She has been clear with me about her being happy with who she is as a person. We are in our early 40s. I don't think I will be strong enough to get to a healthy place being married to her. I don't feel like I can be honest with her without too much of an emotional battle for me to make it right for her.

November 10, 2009
2:07 pm
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atalose
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Menotbb,

I think you need to be real with what is the real reason you want out of your marriage? It certainly can’t be your codependency, as you mentioned your behavior has lead to much of the breakdown of your marriage…..what kind of behavior are we talking about here?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

November 10, 2009
2:39 pm
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menotbb
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People pleasing is not paying off for me anymore. I've been drinking more, staying at work late, going to sleep early to avoid conflict. Dealing with depression and guilt for feeling like our relationship is broken but not wanting to fix it. Then when the opportnity to talk about it with her does come up, I dodge it. I am willing to look at my behavior. I agree about being real. Thanks.

November 10, 2009
2:48 pm
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fantas
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Menotbb,
I feel a little confused reading your thread. Are you unhappy in the relationship or are you unhappy as a person? If your wife has let you know that she is happy with who she is, why are you anticipating what her response will be when you tell her how you feel? If she is happy with herself, she will probably not want to be with someone who is self destructive. Are you still in the marriage because you are afraid to tell her or because you really do not want to do the work it requires for you to be whole so you keep using her as the excuse you wont move on and engage in your life? What exactly do you mean by destructive behavior and has this behavior compromised your wife's health in any way?

How have you come to the conclusion that you are codependent and that this is the reason you are the way you are in your relationship? Seems to me like there isn't much communication between you and your wife? Based on what you said, it sounds like you both have two different views of what is going on in the marriage.

If you know that you can't be in this relationship then you need to end it. This is the most compassionate thing you can do to you and your partner.

Keep posting..

November 10, 2009
3:26 pm
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menotbb
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Unhappy in relationship. Also, unhappy as a person. Good point fantas. My wife is the stronger partner. I feel like I get manipulated into giving her what she wants even if I don't really have it to give. She can be very confrontational when things aren't going her way. I'm not looking forward to that. Checking out of the relationship emotionally is what I mean by destructive. It hasn't had a direct impact on her health. Trying to make everything better for other people over myself would be the short answer on my being able to idenify the codependency. We do have two different views about what's going on in the marriage. I'm not being honest with her. Thanks for the help.

November 10, 2009
3:45 pm
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atalose
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I don’t like confrontations, threats or manipulation either but my fears are what kept me in a marriage far longer then I should have stayed.

Have you thought about an exit plan for yourself? Like, will you move out or ask her to move out? Will you both need to sell the home or could one of you buy the other out? What other assets may need to be divided? Do you have children? There is a lot un un-tangling that must be done when we want out of a marriage, the more planning you can do the better you will be prepared.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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