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To Taj, re abandonment from bonni
June 2, 2006
8:43 pm
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bonni
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Taj,
i had to stop even looking at SBDs thread because it just upset me too much. i have many problems and i'm not perfect. i was weak tonight. all my life i've had to deal with the fact that my mom was abandoned by her dad and my grandmother was abandoned by her mom. it is a horrible miserable way to live, the constant fear of abandonment.

Then, two years ago, my husband told me he was leaving to go to iraq. out of the blue, i NEVER saw it coming. What a stupid idiot dope I was.

Sure, i am hurt and angry (and he's been back 9 months, so its calmed some), and if we didn't have kids, i might have left him, but he is their dad and I said for better or worse. i don't think that marriage should be entered into lightly or walked away from with such ease. Mine doesn't work for me anymore like it did, but I made a promise. sure, it means that the most i can hope for is being content with what i have and knowing I have to always be there for him and he will just pick up and go, without any concern for me (because we all know that i can't matter much, if my grandfather couldn't be bothered to stick around). that i could be dying in a hospital somewhere alone and the military, is like, its more important for him to be killing people and that if something happens to me, our kids go in foster care, so now my ocd is in high gear and the only emotional support i have is stolen from a man I can never be with.

And I don't think that one parent should cut the other from the children's lives as punishment for their sins against them. When I think about what it would have meant to my mom for my grandmother have not been so vindictive and mean about her dad, it hurts my heart. I have always sworn that if my husband wanted to leave me, I would make it so that we could coparent without animosity. of course when he did leave, i had to work very hard to create the illusion that he was in their lives, because it was stressful to have people trying to kill you and think about your kids. i would have NEVER gotten pregnant by a man who I didn't think would be a competent parent.

Finally, it offends me that the man has financial control of everything and the woman can just be kicked out if she doesn't behave exactly as he dictates. What if my dh decided he didn't want me to work? or because I've created an emotional distance to keep him from breaking my heart again? or because there is another man that I love - even if I never have an affair, my heart is still bound to the only person who was there for me when my husband destroyed me. Well, my name is on the mortgage and the titles of both cars. he can't kick me out any more than I can kick him out. it makes me angry that my husband can destroy my life and could be like SPD and look at the train wreck that's my life and say, not my problem, walk away, take my kids and find another woman to raise my kids. not unlike the way my great grandfather did after my great grandmother died when my grandmother was 5. He married this horrible woman who sat around popping out babies and abusing my grandmother. i'm not perfect, so my husband gets to punish me for having problems. well, SBD's wife was sexually abused as a child and he doesn't care. I'm not saying he has to be with her as a husband, but he can't even feel empathy for her. like somehow she asked to be sexually abused as a child. how could you marry someone you view as disposable?

bonni

June 3, 2006
8:54 am
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taj64
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Bonni, in my thread I was not saying that the child did not belong to the mother or could not see her. She had every right to see her and should. It is not the child's mother fault that she was sexually abused as a child. My statement was about guilt and you clearly were trying to turn SBD's thread into a guilt trip for having made a decision about his relationship. I think he has talked about his wife not doing her share as far as the daughter that she doesn't care. It seems to me she is the one walking away and being irresponsible. As a parent, we have to be responsible for them and be there for them. I am divorced because my husband was an alcoholic and drug abuser. He could not stop even after many attempts. I had young children. It was for their benefit that I separated. You cannot continuely subject children to abusive behavior such as drinking/drugging and also cheating is also abusive. It creates an abusive environment. I did not abandon them nor do I keep them from seeing their father despite his problems. He did get better. Not all relationships that have children involved should be saved. YOu cannot always stay together at all costs because in some situation there will be a cost and it does affect the children. I think you are way off base when you say that SPD does not care about his wife and her abuse. He has said he still loves her and he is still torn even after making a decision but he feels he made the right one. What kind of respect can he have for himself and what kind of life is this for a child to be living together with a woman who lies and carried on with other men on a continuing basis? Not everyone can accept this or should. I personally feel that you are biased in this thread because you are in a situation where you are carrying on with another man while living with a husband and family and it may work for you and your children have both parents, but it doesnt for everyone. It is your right to live that way but SPD clearly does not want this type of relationship. You seem to miss the point that a child deserves healthy parents whether they are together or not. I believe that you have the notion that I believe the mother doesn't deserve to see her daughter and that simply is not true. I think she should see her whenever she wants and I also would like to see this mother get some help so that she too has a better life. My point to you in the thread was that you made a guilt statement to SPD and guilt is useless. This has been an ongoing problem for this man not some overnight "Im going to kick you out because you cheated". The decision was made was done with a lot of pain. He doesnt want a cheating partner and she does not want to quit. He did what he felt best overall. I don't feel he is trying to punish his wife at all. The answer lies within SPD. And you do best what is for you overall. Every relationship is different remember that.

June 3, 2006
11:25 am
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bonni
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Taj,
I never thought that SBD should try to salvage his marriage, but I do think that it is necessary to have a civil relationship with the other parent of your children. you are right that I am very biased about this and for that reason, I have tried (and failed) to stay away from the thread. I do feel guilty that I can't allow emotional support from my husband and have gotten attached to our friend. I am not "carrying on" with him. We are not more than friends. We have never hidden our friendship. He happens to be the only person in the world who truly understands me and cares about me enough to be there for me. DH walked away, walked out like I was nothing, not worth staying for, not worth fighting for, not worth a second thought, and I doubt that I will ever get over it.

I will not break my marriage vows, but that does not mean that I have to always every day be completely and utterly alone in a noisy house full of people. DH is a good partner and friend, but its very clear that he is not free to be there for me, that I have to accept the fact that I have to always be there to carry the burden of our family and he can come and go on the whim of the military.

none of that has anything to do with SBD. He can't take my kids from me. I am too emotionally distraught to contribute anything worthwhile to thread and it just deepens my own pain. I'm angry that i can't just run away from all this and everybody and start over fresh. but I can't because i have kids. maybe i wish that i could just walk away like SBD, take my kids and get away from this military roller coaster that ruins our lives and takes away all my control over my life. I can't go back to school, I can't travel for business, I can't have late meetings, I can't do anything that makes me happy, just raise kids, keep house and financially support the family. I hate having them control my life, but it would be wrong to leave him because of that. but would it. he chose the military, i didn't. maybe its not unlike SBD's wife choosing the affairs? except its noble to leave your family to fight for your country and not noble to have an affair, but it still shifts all the burden to the abandoned spouse, it still hurts like hell and it still makes me want to just die because i can't figure out what is so horrible about me that my husband can just walk away from me and his kids. and if he had been called up to help with katrina, i'd have packed his bags, because THAT would be noble. maybe i'm angry because i'm not strong enough to walk away myself.

bonni

June 3, 2006
3:54 pm
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taj64
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Im sorry you have to go through all this. I can certainly understand why SBD's story would affect you so deeply. I too have been on threads that often cause me to stir up my own pain but in it is always something you can learn and get something out of the thread.

June 3, 2006
4:22 pm
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Jenni
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Hey, Bonni. I responded to you in SBD's thread. I was telling you that there is a difference between you and his wife. His wife has chosen to leave. Parenting is not one of her priorities right now. It is one thing for someone to have made a mistake, but still take their parenting very seriously. But it is another thing, when one chooses to let go of EVERYTHING. And SBD's wife seems to have disconnected herself and is uninterested in being a mother. So in all reality, here, it was SBD and his daughter that has been abandoned, here. He just doing what he has to do to enforce her choice.

But it is very clear, that YOU, on the other hand, still take your parenting very seriously, no matter what should ever should take place in your situation. You're a good mom who would never walk away from her children. Your kids matter to you! 😉

So this is the difference I see in these two very different situations. I truly do wish you all the best in your painful situation. Don't lose hope over this. Someday your children will be grown, and you will be able to freely pursue all of the things that you are unable to do now, while the children are young. Life changes all of the time, so we must take each day as it comes. (((Bonni)))

June 4, 2006
10:01 am
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taj64
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Hi Bonni, hope you are feeling better today. I understand a lot of things you have talked about. Why don't you start another thread to talk about your issues? You may get some answers that way. Jenni makes some valid points. I thing when you children are grown or older, you may see things differently. I know all this works for you but Im not quite udnerstanding of why you stay with your husband if you don't love him the way you should and you have another man out there that loves you for who you are and understands you. It must be awful dilemma. And only time will figure this out.

June 4, 2006
2:11 pm
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bonni
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Hi Taj,
So much of this is still buried deep for me. I do still love my husband, just not the same way. I hope that as I heal it will get better. We get along well and we are good partners. My friend does care for me and understand me, but we aren't suited to be mates, just good friends. it is difficult and my husband and I are talking about it. i think the important thing is that I have to cherish the many good things in my life and get through the bitter days better. It was another drill weekend this weekend, which ALWAYS makes it worse, because he's gone again.

thank you for your kind words,

jenni,
Thank you too, you are consistently kind and supportive and i appreciate your posting to me.
bonni

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