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To Puggy
March 7, 2000
9:28 pm
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janes
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I read your post on cannot continue...you need to have this for yourself so you can keep all the ideas straight without mixing them up with notes about other people.

If you need more from this person and he can't give it...you need to seek it with in your self. You cannot be fulfilled through someone else's love for you. He will never be able to give you what you need. Only you can give you that...peace, understanding, love, healthyness.
If you have been sexually abused you have more issues than just needing someone to love you "more".
I'd say...back off. You will only drive him away with your need. These needs may be part of you that are broken and need to be fixed and the fixing can only come from within you.

Tell us more

March 8, 2000
2:09 pm
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loner
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Thank you for your reply. I suppose i am not the best person to give advise but please feel free to tell me more and lets try and help each other.

March 9, 2000
10:37 pm
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PUGGY
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I KNOW THAT I NEED TO START WITH MYSELF FIRST. I AM GOING TO SEE SOMEONE TO START DEALING WITH MY ISSUES AND I HAVE ASKED HIM TO EVENTUALLY JOIN IN ON THE SESSIONS. I WANT TO WORK ON ME THEN US!! I HAVE NEVER HAD SOMEONE SUPPORT ME AS MUCH AS HE DOES, BUT I NEED TO KNOW AND I NEED FOR HIM TO KNOW THAT I CAN DO THINGS ON MY OWN. I WANT TO BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND MY FEELINGS. I KNOW THAT UNTIL I FULLY COMES TO TERM WITH THINGS IN MY LIFE I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO HONESTLY SHARE MYSELF WITH ANYONE!! IT HARD SOMETIMES WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE SO MUCH YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

March 10, 2000
7:10 pm
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janes
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Actually it sounds like you already know what you need to do. And that is really really important. You are right to belieive that you need to work on yourself first. Unless you are whole complete and healed no relationship will be truly helpful.

I belieive that if this relationship is to work it needs to be the one God wants you in...God may have someone else who is some where else ...getting ready for you. You need to love and respect yourslef first and foremost and the relationship stuff will take care of it self in time.

don't listen to the media....take the time yo need to be the you that you are truly compfortable with.

good luck

March 11, 2000
5:20 pm
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PUGGY
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Do you think including him in on my session in a good idea? I want him to understand the way things were and are going to be need to change. He is a very important person to me even if we are not going to be lovers. I want to be able to communicate with him. He has been very patient with me. He almost understands without me telling him. We have been together for a while and that is why I don't understand sometimes why he doesn't want to take it to the next level. I want things to be right.

March 11, 2000
6:47 pm
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janes
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Go by yourself for awhile first...then if the therp\apist thinks its a good idea to include him ...go for it.

Ask him after you talk to the therapist about it.

For him there may not BE a "next level".
You have to respect the individual involved.

Good luck

March 12, 2000
8:03 am
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Jaytong
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Dear puggy,
I didn't read your post from other thread, but what you posted here sounds so familar to me!!!
yes, "it's hard when you love someone so much and you just don't know what to do"........my ex was important to me too, i thought. 'coz i am a very concealing person, I cover myself a lot....but I felt so safe in his arms, and I can honestly share everything with him.........I can handle things alone, no problem, but I never gain so much support from someone like him, it was so good to be supported, right?!.....so it was REALLY hard when problem arises and we got to separate........I can understand this but take janes' advice: "have to respect the individual involved".
I am not a good adviser, I am still learning too, I'm just writing, 'coz your two posts here elicit a lot of thoughts for me................wish you luck!!!!!!!!!
jt

March 12, 2000
8:04 pm
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PUGGY
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This is a reply for Jaytong, Tell me a little more about your situation. How long had you too been together, how deep were you involved with one another? I want this relationship to work. Tell me about your experience and how you handled things? Are you too still together? If not how did it end?

March 13, 2000
1:00 am
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Jaytong
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Dear Puggy,

you are exactly like the "me" ....only thing in mind is to keep the relationship work....yes, I want it to work too, but I can't control how things go......all I know is, for the time being, it won't work, I dont' know about the future, maybe it will work later on, but what Janes/broc said is right....if nothing changes, nothing changess...so.........if you go to the thread "should I give up?", you'll see the story.

the second part is in "Mad as Heck"......
tell me what do you think????

all the best

JT

March 13, 2000
5:02 am
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Jaytong
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well,, at least, you can still see you bf........not for me. I haven't seen him for more than a month now. i miss him very much.

March 13, 2000
7:57 am
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janes
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JT...I am every where... have you said those gazillion good things about yourself yet? I am going to work and I will check on you from there...get going!!!

March 13, 2000
6:49 pm
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PUGGY
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JAYTONG,

I FEEL YOU!! WHEN I READ YOU STORY I FEEL LIKE I AM READING MY OWN STORY!!
I FEEL YOU WHEN YOU WERE SAYING HOW WHEN YOU FEEL WEAK HE HAS BEEN THEIR FOR YOU!! I JUST KNOW THAT THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE BETWEEN US!! I WANT THINGS TO BE BETTER!! I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR A COUNSELOR BUT I AM NOT SURE HOW TO GO ABOUT CHOOSING ONE!! I ALSO HAVE A PROBLEM EXPRESSING MYSELF!! I KNOW HOW I FEEL BUT I JUST CAN'T EXPALIN IT!! MY MIND TELLS ME YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON, YOU ARE A STRONG FEMALE!! BUT WHEN IT COMES TIME TO PUT THAT INTO PLAY I GET WEAK, AFRAID!! I DON'T WANT A WEAK PERSON AND I DON'T WANT TO BE WEAK!!

March 13, 2000
6:56 pm
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PUGGY
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I WOULD LIKE TO TALK TO YOU SOME MORE, I FIND IT EASIER TO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO CAN REALTE TO ME. SOME WHO WON'T JUDGE ME!! BUT BE HONEST BECAUSE THEY HAVE TRULY EXPERIENCE MY PAIN!! NOT TELL ME WHAT THEY WOULD DO BUT WHAT THEY HAVE DONE!! I WASN'T RAISED TO COMMUNICATE VERBALLY, I WASN'T TAUGHT TO EXPRESS MYSELF. I HONESTLY HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCE OR WITNESS OPEN COMMUNICATION WITHIN MY FAMILY. THIS MAKES IT VERY DIFFICULT TO KNOW WHAT TO DO!! WHERE DO YOU START WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW!! I FEEL SO LOST SOMETIMES, LIKE WHY IS THIS SO HARD ( THEY ARE JUST WORD) ALTHOUGH I KNOW ITS NOT THAT SIMPLE. WHERE DO YOU BEGIN. WHEN YOU HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS INSIDE AND YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START!! HELP!!

March 14, 2000
8:01 am
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Jaytong
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Janes, thanks for your concern, but read this first. will write to you in other thread.

Dear Puggy,

Thank you. You're shouting as if you're my inner voice. Sure. I'd like to share with you. Hm...yes. I always think I'm a strong girl. But I don't know it'll feel so bad when I desparate for support and the support is no longer available. I guess one of the reason is his caring love render me psychologically dependent on him.....it was good. I never need to struggle hard for being loved, unlike in other circumstances, where we got to struggle, making you exhausted. Being in love with him calms me a whole lot.

Life at that time was wonderful and peaceful. That's why I started/dare to face my family problems. I think, he's by my side and I feel supported. Yes, I know all those problems needed to be solved ON MY OWN eventually; but like what you've said, Puggy, "when it comes time to put that into play, I get weak, afraid"; don't know why, just scared!!!! So, what I need is SUPPORT! I thought he's giving to me, but no. He told me another even bigger problem to me at a time I felt so weak, so weak that I failed (almost) to handle/face him. However, I still took the action and asked him a question that I never want to question about ...don't you love me?...it's heartbreaking. I don't want to hear the answer. Never want to haer someone telling me "I don't love you" before I hear someone saying "I love you".

It was hard to ask him that question too. When he first told me that somehow, his ex was still in his heart, that's a SHOCK to me. well, I knew he had a girlfriend before, but I didn't think about this before. I thought as he's approaching me, then he's ready to start a new relationship, what I should do is to work in hands with him to create OUR future. You know what. He brought me to see almost all of his friends, and he asked me when do I have time to have dinner with his parents. Would you question his ability to commit? I didn't. That's why I was shock. But I was glad that he return. We agreed to give him time. I thought time is necessarily for him to recover. But as I want him to understand why I panic, I told him once that I felt scared because of this. Still don't know if this act is right / wrong. But, clearly, after this, he start to pull away, fluctuating, distant....then gone.

At the time he started to pull away. I felt bad. I panic, because I don't know why. I thought it was my problem, because we've come into terms to give him time, so it shouldn't be his fault. He criticized me a lot during that period. I tried to meet his criteria. I was lost at that time. All I want is to make this relationship work, so it's frustrating that he doesn't feel good even if I changed. feel like "I'm not good enough"; so then I pushed myself to be better, and thus worsen the situation. Now, he doesn't even want to see me at all. When he told me on the phone that he doesn't feel me anymore, I felt as if I'm a glass bottle being thrown into trash can ---- fragmentated, broken, and abandoned ---- This is real bad, huh?!

So, like you, I want to talk, talk and talk, thinking that could help to ease, and then I'll be fine. But that doesn't work. The pain just can't go, because the root has not been stemed. Like you, I know (faintly) that there's a problem. I fail to tackle it systematically. I want to tell others so as to get "REAL" help, but I don't know how to express it. So, like you, I keep asking myself: Where do I begin when I have tonnes of feelings all come up suddenly and I don't know where the hell to get start!!!

Puggy, my friend. Glad to meet you here. 'coz I don't know how to communicate within my family too. I thought, with my bf's support, I will eventually cope with this problem too. but.....he's gone now. In fact, he has his own worries, and troubles about family, friends, future, career.....too. Can't rely on him totally and be his burden, right?! I'm not good enough to teach you. I'm still learning to tackle problems on my own. Though you said you don't know where to start, actually, you've already started....here! Let's work and try to heal ourselves! YOu don't mind telling me your story? I feel way much better after I pour out everything here. I think this site helps me to reason out......that's very important to me.

Alright, it's getting too long. Thks for sharing. tell me what do you think?

Regards, jt.

March 14, 2000
8:32 am
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Jaytong
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Janes.....don't know what to say....but I want someone to share what I have just posted. maybe I should tell my counselor all this, but I fail to express verbally.....Janes/lost soul...this is hard.....

March 14, 2000
8:55 pm
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PUGGY
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JAYTONG,

WHILE SITTING HERE READING YOUR RESPONSE, I STARTED TO CRY!! I WANT TO STRONG, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO COMES TO TERMS WITH THIS SO MY LIFE CAN GO ON, WITH/WITHOUT HIM?!?!? I WANT TO START TO SEE A COUNSELOR BUT I AM NOT SURE HOW TO DECIDE WHERE TO GO? HAVE YOU HAD ANY COUNSELING? TALKING TO YOU HAS GIVEN ME A CHANCE TO TRY AND PUT THINGS IN FRONT OF ME INSTEAD OF HIDING THEM LIKE I HAVE BEEN DOING.
I KNOW THAT I NEED TO CONFRONT MY FEELINGS, IF I DON'T I'LL JUST CARRY THEM INTO THE NEXT REALTIONSHIP THAT I HAVE. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS ON PICKING A COUNSELOR LET ME KNOW.
TALK YOU YOU SOON. HOW ARE THINGS GOING FOR YOU NOW? HAVE YOU SEEN OR TALK TO YOUR FRIEND? WHERE DO YOU GUYS STAND? WAS HE YOUR FIRST SERIOUS REALTIONSHIP? I'VE NEVER HAD FEELINGS THAT I HAVE FOR MY BOYFRIEND TOWARDS ANYONE ELSE. I REALLY DON'T THINK THAT I EVER WILL AGAIN? IS THAT GOOD/BAD? TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU NOW?

March 15, 2000
8:08 am
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Jaytong
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OOOOH..........Did I make you cry? I don't know my story could cause such a resonance. Well, recognition of our problem is the first step, but recognition is one thing, tackling the problem is another. I started counseling, for I think my problem actually lies in "face-to-face human communication". I can't park myself forever in front of the computer as a means to vent. I treat talking to counselor as a practice to put things into words. As well, I don't want to carry them to my next relationship. Well, I don't have criteria for picking a counselor, just go into the University counseling service and ask for help, 'coz I think the counselor there would understand more my life in a U. You student? Working? Any counseling service available in your community?

As for me at the moment, I've stopped talking to friends about my ex already since I don't want to be a nuisance for them. Although I'm not completely OK, I still want to talk a lot about it. However, I'll take all the thing and try to sort out independently as the me in the past. That's all my problems after all. But, in the first few weeks, I can't help talking, just can't calm down.

Yes, he's my first guy. Never thought of being involved in anyone before him. In the past, I used to think it's better to be alone. dating and all that stuffare just a mess. For a while, all my best friends just suffer from their bad experience adn they hurt badly. I was always the one hearing them, felt really sorry and cried for them in heart. So, don't want to get involved. But as time goes by, maybe people matures, the picture looks brighter. My ex is a mature guy. I don't know the exact reason why I'd change and let him approach me. All I know is : my feeling towards him is unique and distinct from any other guys who approached me before (Oh, well, of course, or else I'd have chosen others instead) He's different, he's reliable, trustworthy; so can't help plunge into the relationship with him. Therefore, it's not the time being with him that matters' it's how deep we're into it.....Hm....like you, I don't think that I'll ever do it again to other people. but god knows. my friends said everyone thought so when they broke up and I'll quit this thinking when I meet someone else.....but, question: will there be "someone"? ....time will show.

Oh, about my friends. Some are optimistic, saying there's hope between us. He's just got stuck with his past, by the time he wake up, he'll return. But, some are just the opposite.....will our relationship work?..I don't know. I don't know......but I think our lives will go on with/without him, only if we decide to go on. My friends are at different stages of their "love road", may/may not be able to completely comprehend / feel what I feel. Therefore, we should sort out our own. Actually, I feel bad in the meantime, because I tend to withdraw myself from the group, I'm feeling upset and is unable to give support as a friend......some of my friends are also not happy, but I fail to support them like usual.....this is bad, bad, bad...they are concerning about me while i'm upset, but I am unable to give them a hand now.....too weak at the moment, used to struggle hard to stand up and re-build myself too.

Janes/lost soul mentioned that I'm co-dependent. I;m not sure about this co-dep thing, I;ll be working towards this direction.....still not very clear, as if I'm still in fog. Oh, I flood you with my stuff.....How about you? Share with us!

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