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To OMW-from Nesh
November 13, 2005
1:13 am
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Neshema
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OMW- you here? I have to tell you something. Nesh

November 13, 2005
1:19 am
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on my way
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lucky you, i just popped in, what's up?

November 13, 2005
1:27 am
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Neshema
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i am in the night crew...can you come in there or you want to talk here. I spoke with my brother today. It was his birthday.

November 13, 2005
1:28 am
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on my way
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did you call him to say happy birthday?

November 13, 2005
1:32 am
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Neshema
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yes, and we talked about our childhood and us

November 13, 2005
1:44 am
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on my way
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nesh, where is the best place for you to talk about this on Sat crew, so you can get more feedback? if so, then go ahead and move it over. it's up to you. hopefully it was a positive conversation about your childhood. frankly, i think it's great that your relationships seem to be opening up like this...your mother, etc. you seem to be gaining some control back in your family and work life.

November 13, 2005
1:53 am
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Neshema
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either way. I guess this is sort of out thing, yours and mine. I think I have a better understanding of why he was so messed up. I don't excuse it, but at least he is on meds now. No one ever intervened and taught him how to treat me. He makes sure his own kids don't beat on each other. I admire him for it. He learned to break the cycle. So, I forgave him a long time ago, but he didn't know that I remembered everything that went on. He felt resentful and discounted that I always thought we grew up in the perfect home. IN fact, it was good in many ways, but my parents did play favorites, and made mistakes, and my mom cried a lot and yelled. I forgot it all, repressed the memories. So, I know now. He was aggressive, and I hid in my room, and he and I never really were taught how to relate to each other, but I understand it all now. I don't know if he was born aggressive or he reacted to something. I think he was born that way, because his EEGs were abnormal as a kid, and I know even at a very young age, he terrorized my parents and me. So, who knows how, why or what caused it. I just know that at least I remember it all, and I can use it now to set boundaries and understand my current issues with verbally abusive people. I think I became immune to all of it over the years and thought it was normal for people to treat me this way.

November 13, 2005
2:05 am
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on my way
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wow. well it certainly makes more sense now doesn't it? so he broke the cycle which means he knew he had a problem. maybe he never apologized though because he thought everyone was ok? do you remember him ever being kind to you at all?

i remember one time when my boys got into a fight when they were little, and the oldest beat the crud out of the younger one, but my ex said to let them fight it out. my youngest has NEVER forgotten that. he has forgiven but he remembers feeling abandoned by his dad, hated by his brother, and totally powerless and unloved. i felt so bad for him. so i can unsderstand the horrible feelings from that. but you are smart you are not letting this old stuff define who you are, you are moving forward, learning, and you seem to realize how special you are.

November 13, 2005
2:18 am
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Neshema
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yes, he has been kind sometimes as we were older. We are closer than I am to my younger brother, who is just strange. We get each other better, but I learned to stay away. He is better now that he is on meds. I forgave him a long time ago, because I thought something was wrong with him and he helped himself by getting on meds and staying on them. What I didn't get over was the fact that my parents never intervened, even though I love them very much. I also did not realize how much my brother's abuse of me has affected my adult relationships. So, I really had to study this in more detail. Just forgiving him is not enough....it is about understanding how we learn to respond to abuse when growing up with it. Certainly the abuse I suffered is nothing compared to what others here describe. I was just tormented, abandoned, demeaned, and afraid. I was very lonely and hid for years. So, just making peace with the family is not enough...it helps, but we have to find new ways of responding to what we lived with for years.

November 13, 2005
2:19 pm
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Nesh,
sorry , just had to step off last night.

This is all good news, and I think as long as you keep applying what you learn, sharing your hurts and emotions here or with a friend, that it all will come together. One step at a time, "one day at a time...taking each hardship as a pathway to peace.."

omw

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